In my first year of college I met an amazing guy. He was six years older and was doing a gap year in Japan after graduating college in the United States. We took a class together and we became friends through that class. We studied together and hung out a few times, but nothing really ever progressed romantically. I admitted to myself that I had a slight crush on him, but I didn't think much of him after he returned to the United States. Later I found out that he had a girlfriend back home at that time and didn't want to be tempted by anyone else.

A year later he returned to Japan to visit some friends and family and get some business done. By that time he had broken up with his ex, and he messaged me asking if I would like to hang out with him. Thinking that he wanted nothing more than to catch up over a cup of coffee, I accepted. What happened in the next three weeks was that we ended up falling for each other. Even after his vacation was over and he returned to the United States, we talked to each other everyday over skype and Facebook. It was through the Internet that our relationship really blossomed. That was October of last year when I was 19 and he was 25.

For eight months we talked, but nothing was ever really established. I barely had any experience in relationships and I was afraid of bringing up the issue of what to call us because I was afraid of what he had to say and rejection. The topic was actually something taboo between us. The one time that I decided to breach the topic was 3 or 4 months after we started talking. He told me that he was just enjoying himself and letting things go as they progressed and told me to do the same. He also told me that he was afraid of getting hurt. Finally, he referred to our relationship as "the situation." To this day, I have no idea what this situation was. Did it refer to the long distance or the fact that we fell for each other through Skype and Facebook chats? Feeling like nothing was resolved, I agreed and things went on.

He was a great guy. He was the first male I opened up to fully about the abuse I faced from my father when I was younger, and he helped me get on the track to feeling more confident about myself. However, we did have one or two spats. They had to do with him getting jealous over a guy. The first time was an old creep that I shared a lot of mutual friends with that I had no interest in. I was starting to get suspicious about the old guy, and I wanted a friend's opinion on him, so I turned to the guy who liked me (I'll refer to him as G from now on), not realizing that he would get upset about it. G flipped out and told me that he felt less special knowing that I was showing attention to other men. Of course, he apologized shortly after saying that. The second time was over a male friend who had told me that I was welcome to stay with him and his family if I ever visited him in Canada. G told me that his jealously had to do with a past relationship that he never really opened up to me about.

In April I was sick of this limbo that G and I were in. I talked to a friend who told me that I needed to talk to G to make sure that we were on the same page. I did just that, and G and I established that we were in an open relationship. He told me that he didn't want to hold me back, that I should go out and enjoy my youth and college life, and that I shouldn't feel pressured by him to not see and date other men. During that time several guys at school started showing interest in me, so I started hanging out with some of them.

G and I grew closer the next few months. However, the issue of the state of our relationship arose again because he told me that he felt that "I was so unattainable." I asked him what I could do to make him not feel this way. He wouldn't answer me straight out, so I decided to bring up the state of our relationship and how I wanted more. I brought up the idea of us being exclusive, which he agreed to. I also brought up the idea of us being girlfriend and boyfriend. This he agreed to with a lot of reluctance I sensed. The next day he told me that he changed his mind and said that his heart wasn't ready for a relationship and that he didn't want the label of boyfriend just yet. I was hurt inside hearing this, but I agreed to give him the time he needed.

3 or 4 days later he messaged me on skype telling me that he realized that he wanted to be with me and that he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I was shocked by the sudden change of mind, but I was too happy to dwell on it. I agreed to be his girlfriend. This happened 2 or 3 weeks before I cheated on him. During these two or three weeks, he told me that he felt as if I wasn't honest and that I was lying by omission. I decided to be honest with him and admitted that there were two or three guys interested in me, but I only liked them as friends and was afraid of hurting them. However, I never told the guys about my relationship with G. In fact, our relationship was a secret from the majority of our friends on both sides. However, I realize now how wrong it was of me to lead on those guys and keep them around. I should have made it clear that I wasn't interested romantically.

One day we had a conversation where the other men were brought up. G told me that he was seeing two other girls to "protect himself" just as I was doing with the other two guys. He also told me that as long as I was keeping those guys around, he would keep those girls around. He then told me, "Hey, I don't think you're ready for a relationship." I was hurt and upset by what he said, but I told him that I understood and that I would do something about the other guys.

The next day I stayed on campus until 9 P.M. One of the guys who happened to like me was also there. After school closed we decided to get dinner and drinks. I ended up getting drunk and agreed to stay the night at his place since my place was too far away. It was at his place that he seduced me. I had sobered enough to realize what was going on and I even kissed him back and fooled around with him all night, but I couldn't have actual intercourse with him. The entire experience felt bad, and I realized that I didn't want my first time to be with a guy that I didn't have strong feelings for. I'm still trying to come to terms about why I cheated. Was it because I was unsatisfied by the lack of physical contact in my long distance relationship? Or did it have to do with the fact that G was holding back on me? The next morning I apologized to that guy and told him about my relationship with G. I messaged G and told him that we needed to talk about something important. The guilt was too much, and I knew that I wouldn't be able to live with it and keep it a secret from him.

That night I got online and told G that I cheated on him. Of course, he flipped out and got angry. He told me hurtful things such as "You have daddy issues" and "You know what? You turn into a total slut when you get drunk." I took in everything he said and apologized and begged him to take me back. We ended the conversation and I gave him 3 weeks of space. We only talked twice. Once was when he told me that he forgave me and didn't want me to feel guilty anymore. The second time was an argument in which he told me that I was selfish.

After that we talked again. As hard as it was, I apologized and told him that I did what I did because I was insecure and didn't love myself and that in order for me to love other people I needed to learn how to love myself. I then broke off the relationship, and we decided to keep in contact and remain friends. Later we broke off all contact.

That was last month. I've tried to crush any hope of ever getting back with him. I'm trying to focus more on my life. I'm going out and meeting people and also making a bigger effort in my counseling sessions.

Right now I feel so undateable. In other words, I feel so guilty about what I had done that I feel as if I don't deserve to be in another relationship again. If I was to enter a relationship I want it to be with a man who I can tell anything to. That would mean that I would have to tell him about the fact that I cheated on a past boyfriend. What kind of guy would want to date a girl who did that? Society looks down on cheating, and people constantly say, "Once a cheater, always a cheater."

What should I do? How can I overcome this guilt and be able to move on to another relationship in the future? Would a guy ever want me? Will I be able to find a guy that was as amazing, if not more amazing, than G?

This story is too long, sorry. We aren't there and it's better if you can summarize. The crux of the matter is the long distance, I think. It isn't easy to define a typical relationship when you are the only two people who know about it and when you rarely see each other. I think you are overdoing the guilt. AND I see no reason to blurt out your history to the next man you fall for in some sort of sweeping confessional of youthful mistakes. You didn't kill anyone, commit bigamy, leave a baby on a doorstep - leave it out! What you did that night is in a gray area of cheating anyway. Even the abuse you mention as a child (sexual?) should be held back until pretty deep into a relationship.

As for 'keeping other guys around' that is natural at 19 when you are involved with someone far away. It is all part of learning about people and life and relationships.

Will you be able to find a guy as amazing? Of course. He doesn't even sound that amazing, calling your relationship a 'situation,' ugh. No wonder you were confused.

Thanks for replying. The childhood abuse wasn't sexual at all. It was more physical and verbal, but for years after that I was uncomfortable around men. The ex was actually the first guy I was able to let my guard down around.

OK, now let your guard down around yourself. You are being too hard on yourself.

Spend more time here. You will see people who really have dysfunctional lives and a lot to feel guilty about.