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cassi1421 · Dec 15, 2007, 12:35 AM

In August I broke up with the person I had been dating for four years. While we had a very rocky relationship we did have a good one. We had issues just like everyone else except I cried a lot and he got angry a lot and was super controlling. When I entered college this past year I decided that I needed to break things off because he couldn't handle me having other friends that were guys. I know that many guys are like this and that they can't handle seeing there girlfriends with other guys but it's because they worry about cheating. I have never cheated nor had I ever given him a reason to believe that I had cheated. So I thought that he was being way to controlling. It is now December and I miss him so much. I am dating someone now who is really amazing and is a great person but I miss my ex so much and I compare my new boyfriend to my ex all the time and I don't think it is fair. I can't bring myself to stop thinking of my ex and I have tried. I don't know what to do and there is so much more but I don't know where to go or where to turn or anything. I'm in a bind that's tearing me apart emotinally, spiritually, and mentally.

enjay22 · Dec 15, 2007, 01:26 AM

Basically, I think you just said.. you're not ready for a relationsip.
If you are still comparing your ex, then your not being completely truthful to this new guy.
Call your ex, meet up with him.. && see maybe you really have moved on, or maybe, he's been feeling the same way about you.
Call him..

Bluerose · Dec 15, 2007, 05:18 AM

I agree. This sounds like unfinished business. Call him and put this to bed once and for all. You don't want to spend the rest of your life wondering what if..

One way or another you will be able to move on. Do it now or you will look back in ten or twenty years and wonder where your life went. :)

allswell · Dec 15, 2007, 08:13 AM

Originally Posted by cassi1421

In August I broke up with the person I had been dating for four years. While we had a very rocky relationship we did have a good one. We had issues just like everyone else exept I cried alot and he got angry alot and was super controlling. When I entered college this past year I decided that I needed to break things off becasue he couldnt handle me having other friends that were guys. I know that many guys are like this and that they can't handle seeing there girlfriends with other guys but it's because they worry about cheating. I have never cheated nor had I ever given him a reason to believe that I had cheated. so I thought that he was being way to controlling. It is now December and I miss him so much. I am dating someone now who is really amazing and is a great person but I miss my ex so much and I compare my new boyfriend to my ex all the time and I don't think it is fair. I can't bring myself to stop thinking of my ex and I have tried. I don't know what to do and there is so much more but I don't know where to go or where to turn or anything. I'm in a bind thats tearing me apart emotinally, spiritually, and mentally.

Hi.
It sounds like you need to give yourself some TLC and time to really reconcile with the breakup with your ex. You are young, and a 4-year relationship at your age can be very emotional, monumental and tumultuous. Do yourself and your new guy a favor by giving yourself some space from dating. Bluerose is right--you don't want to waste your life and prevent yourself from finding someone else who can make you happy. I am living proof of this right now--my BF left me for his ex whom he had dated in college, 8 years ago. We had a great relationship and he just took off. Not only was he in a vacuum for all those years, but he just broke my heart into a million little pieces, and cheated us both of a life of happiness. So, this is another perspective--from the guy you are seeing now. You should think of you first and foremost, but there are other people's feelings to take into consideration.
Hang in there.

s_cianci · Dec 15, 2007, 08:41 AM

What's the trouble? It sounds like you've gotten out of a bad situation and into a good one. You describe your previous relationship as "rocky" but "good." Isn't that an oxymoron? You describe him as "angry" and "super controlling" but you miss him so much? I say good riddance.

talaniman · Dec 15, 2007, 08:53 AM

I don't think you gave yourself the time you really needed, to fully heal from a 4 year relationship, and that's not fair to you, or the one your dating now. Your moving to fast, from bad to something else, so slow down, way down, and start being more honest with yourself, as this new interest will become a rebound, and the ex will haunt you for a long time to come. I disagree with the ones saying to act on the feeling for the ex, and call him. I feel that's absolutely a move that will further retard your healing. Better to back off this new guy, and do the healing the right way. Backing off doesn't mean ending it, it does mean slow down, so as to not hurt him and give yourself a chance to get over the ex, and be happy.

Jiser · Dec 15, 2007, 11:28 AM

August that was hardly long ago. Yes you need more time to move on. You sound needy, that's unhealthy. You don't 'need' anyone to be happy, and you don't need to be dating.

I still think about my ex and it was nearly a year ago that we broke up, I could quite happily be with someone now as I have my own life back now but it took a long time and I am OK ish wheer I am now.

Take some time out of dating and re evaluate for your sake and your bf's sake.

cassi1421 · Dec 17, 2007, 02:07 AM

Thank you guys for all your insight. A couple of days ago I really felt down and depressed. I feel maybe because it is christmas and that was my ex and I's favorite holiday. I spoke to the person I am dting now and he took it beyond what I thought he would. He told me that if I needed room and I needed a break that it was OK he wouldn't be bothered by it because he knows that sometimes it's hard. He told me that he would wait because I meant that much to me. The night we talked about it I left and thought for a long time I spent a lot of much needed time crying and then talked to my ex. I truly think in my eyes I seen another side of love that I hadn't. There is a saying that says "be willing to let the things you love go" and the person I am dating showed that he is willing to elt me go but always be there. I don't know really what I am going to do yet though it's something that is still causing me problems because I was always the one to say never call your new partner by your ex's name and I never did till this past weekend and I have done it I think four times so I'm not really sure what that means. Of course my boyfriend didn't take any mind to it but ignored ut I just don't know. I think maybe I need a break

Bluerose · Dec 22, 2007, 05:07 AM

cassi1421,

I think you're right. Take things slow and just let them unfold. Enjoy Christmas and then plan to have a good long talk with yourself about what you really want. If you don't rush into anything there is less chance of being badly hurt. There's nothing wrong with being on your own for a while. You can still accept invites and go out and enjoy yourself without having to commit to anyone until you are ready. I hope the new year finds you more settled and sure about what you want for yourself and your life. Take care.