Hi,

This summer I started a relationship with a guy in my home country, 2000km away from where I currently live. Although he was sometimes difficult to deal with (he would expect me to read his mind instead of just telling me things or he would very rarely truly open up to me), we fell madly in love with each other and our relationship was overall very beautiful, which made my departure heartbreaking to both of us.

We decided that we would break up (since we didn’t think a long distance relationship would be realistic), but that he would visit me this Christmas holiday. We haven’t been communicating much (he is very busy and not a big fan of texting/emailing) and I’ve been trying hard to keep things alive between us.

One day though, I made a very big mistake in my attempt to convince him to finally buy his plane tickets to come and visit me. I told him that he should come, otherwise I’ll go on holiday with some other guy who invited me. It was meant as a joke, since I would never consider being with anyone else at the moment, as I am still crazy about him and believe will be for quite some time. I guess that subconsciously I also thought that I would make him a bit jealous and that would help hurry his decision to visit me – very childish, I know!

He didn’t really say anything about it for a few days, but last night he confessed that it really upset him and that he thought there was more between us than that, that I made him feel like I don’t mind whether I spend my holiday with him or some other random guy (which is completely untrue). I tried my hardest to explain that it was a joke and that all I want is to be with him and no one else. He seemed very reluctant to believe me and when I asked him whether I’ve now lost him, he said that I kind of have.

Apparently he was just about to buy his tickets when I told him the thing about the other guy and afterwards he even mentioned to his mother why he doesn’t really want to see me anymore. I apologised for my bad joke and insisted that it was nothing more than that. He said that he will think about it, but I really fear that he will not think I am worth it anymore – why should he come visit me, get all crazy about me again, then leave, just so I could go on seeing other guys? That is of course untrue, but how do I prove that to him?

How do I make him believe me that he is the only one for me and that I intend to stay true to him?
I am so worked up about this, I can barely think of anything else and it’s impacting my university work. Any advice from someone impartial to all this would be so appreciated! Please help!

You made a serious, very serious error,
1. you never threaten to leave unless you plan on leaving
2. you never say there is another guy unless there is on.

Telling him there is another guy is not a way to get him to come 1/2 way around the world to be with you.

It is the best way to lose him completely, since he will just feel you have not been faithful and that it would be a waste of his time.

I honestly doubt you can save this, telling him the truth that you lied to him, but that is not much better.

I'd write him another email or letter or whatever. And just repeat what you told him. His insecurity sounds like it is going to be a problem if he does end up visiting you anyway. Maybe he just needs some time to mature emotionally.

I believe you when you say it was a joke, and I am a complete stranger to you. If he can't come to believe you after claiming to be in love with you well... maybe he needs to look at himself a bit more.

I've taken jokes a bit too seriously myself at some point, and looking back I look as if I was still a bratty child.