Hello everybody I have this really bad habit of lying and its time for me to stop and I need help. My lies haven't really hurt anyone but I know that is no excuse for lying. I did not cheat or anything like that but I know it doesn't make the situation any better.

But here is the situation. For a while now I find myself, not being able to stop lying. I make up things about my life to make myself seem more interesting to other people so I don't feel so lonely and there is actually things to talk about.

I know that I should be myself but for someone reason I start making up interesting things about myself in order to make myself look "cool" or whatever and I am tired of it. Its not getting me anywhere. I am not getting any more of a social life but instead I just don't feel like myself.

I just hope that there would be somewhere out there who would like me for who I am. But before all of my lies started, it doesn't seem like anyone likes me. I just feel so lonely, barely any friends, no girlfriends. And I only started lying cause I felt lonely but all the lies aren't really helping (not like it should because it's a bad thing) But anyway I just don't know what to do anymore. Any advice?

If I was in this situation I mean obviously I'd quit lying. But, sit down with anyone who you care enough about and explain to them things you've made up to make yourself "cool". If they care about you enough they will understand where your coming from. Be sure to say that you are telling them this because you want to build an honest relationship. On the otherhand you may have dug yourself a hole, I can't really say because I don't know the extent of your lies. But really, just don't be afraid to be yourself. If you can't think of anything to talk about and are looking to build honest relationships with people it's a good idea to sit down and gradually get deep. Talk about life in general, don't tell too much and leave room for them to find an interest in your personality. Simple questions such as how was your day can lead to very large conversations. Ask questions forcing them to elaborate and eventually it will lead to larger topics. Just keep it cool and don't act uncomfortable. The more comfortable you feel with yourself the more comfortable people around you will feel and it should lead to strong relationships.

A lot of guys and gals in the early stages of a relationship, will lie, or hide their negative, or "uninteresting" characteristics. This isn't an unusual thing. It's also why a lot of people feel uncomfortable in a relationship, and why a lot of relationships in ruins have at least one person saying, "he/she isn't who I had that first date with!" When you make up things about yourself, you are a stranger to the people you lie to- they do not know who you are, and because of it, you become a stranger to yourself. Instead of just trying to stop your lying addiction cold turkey, which may be difficult, why not try to find out who you REALLY are?
No matter who you are, there is bound to be a woman out there who would compliment you nicely. Just because you don't like your qualities, doesn't mean that someone else won't.
You owe it to people to be honest- and vice versa. A woman can't respect a man who doesn't respect himself. Start by finding out who you are, and start being true to yourself. Once you are true to yourself, it will be easy to be true to others as well.
(Why don't you hold off on dating until you find yourself as an individual and break that lying habit for good? Like I said, I'm sure there is a girl out there who would LOVE the real you.)

I was going to say something along the lines of that but forgot... Lay low and get to know yourself.

I can speak from experience. I used to be a major pot head and never could really hold strong relationships. Then one day decided to put it all behind me. I stopped hanging out with everyone I knew and isolated myself at my house for like 6 months. In those 6 months, I found out who my true friends were and surprisingly I had few. But ever since then I've gotten to know myself and learned to be more honest with everyone I meet from the get-go. I don't make friends on a daily basis or even a monthly basis, but the friends I'm making now are a lot more trustworthy, likeable, and I can count on all of them a lot more. With the additional trust I've built with them we have grown a lot closer than my past friends. It's all about quality not quantity...

Your lying, I think comes from a lack of confidence, and self esteem, that can be overcome by setting, and accomplishing small goals for yourself. Learning to bowl, or play darts maybe for example, or just whatever your friends are doing, and pay attention to those around you. They may seem happy, and outgoing, but they have their problems and insecurities too.

Don't be afraid to admit you don't know, or ask questions to find out. That's a start to getting facts, and learning, especially about yourself. Speaking of self, having things you like to do such as hobbies. Or activities you enjoy, not only boost confidence, but will make you happy with who you are, and the life you lead.

Happy people are not only attractive, they bring positive vibes to share with others. That's the whole key to interacting with anyone, is being able to share something good. So start making good experiences for yourself to share with others.

Lying isn't good. If a girl you were dating found out you were lying, then she wouldn't trust you in any matter. Without trust and mutual respect you would end up with nothing.

If you can't stop lying, don't hesitate to talk to a counselor. Sounds like you are lying to cover your lack of self confidence and self esteem.

Hi No Place,
I would agree that what you have is a lying addiction. Here's some information to help you understand what that means.

LYING IS AN ADDICTION NOT A MORAL ISSUE

Before I go any further, I need to differentiate between “PATHOLOGICAL LYING” and “COMPULSIVE LYING”.

I define “Pathological Lying” as “the actions of someone who deliberately and intentionally lies for financial, material or some other gain with no care or consideration to how their lies will affect or harm others.”

I define “Compulsive Lying” as “the compulsive need to lie as a normal and reflexive way of responding to life.”

However, as “compulsive liars” often premeditate their lies as well as lie when driven by the compulsion to do so, I do not feel the term “compulsive liars” adequately covers the condition of lying as a reflexive way of life.

“ADDICTION” on the other hand is defined as “The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.”

So, “LYING ADDICTION” is therefore hereby defined, for the first time, as “The condition of being addicted to lying as a normal and reflexive way of responding to
life where the intention is not to cause harm to others.”

The “lying addict”, therefore, is not someone who, say, is cheating on a loved one and lying all the time about it (although lying addicts could do this of course – like anyone could). A lying addict is somebody who is addicted to lying in order to live.

THE SCIENCE OF LYING ADDICTION IN SIMPLE TERMS

Constance Holden, writing in 2001 in “Science” magazine - the worlds leading journal of original scientific research wrote “Scientists have traditionally confined their use of the term “addiction” to substances that clearly foster physical dependence. That's changing, however. New knowledge suggests that, as far as the brain is concerned, a reward's a reward, regardless of whether it comes from a chemical or an experience. And where there's a reward - as in gambling, eating, sex, or shopping - there's the risk of getting trapped in a compulsion.”

Lying as a behavioural addiction is “rewarding” for the lying addict (as we shall soon see) and, therefore, just like any other behavioural addiction, causes physiological changes in the brain and body just as any other drug addiction does. Today, brain scans of addicts (including behavioural addicts) reveal defects in the brain’s pleasure centre that processes the “pleasure chemical” dopamine.

Whether these defects happen as a result of the addiction itself or are there at birth is irrelevant. What is important however is that the more a person feeds their addiction, the more extensive the defect in the brain’s pleasure centre is over time. And in addition, over time, a person - including a lying addict - will need to do more of the drug or activity or engage in riskier and riskier behaviours to get the same “fix” or “high”.

Science also shows us that not only do certain drugs affect neurotransmitters in the brain but behaviours associated with doing that behaviour do too. For example, just seeing a syringe can stimulate a rise in dopamine levels in the brain of heroin addicts because of the learned association between syringes and their drug addiction. In the same vein then, just the thought of lying in lying addiction can cause a rise in dopamine levels too.

THE IMPORTANCE OF SEEING ADDICTION AS A DISEASE

Seeing addiction as a disease is essential to understanding addiction and, as a society
And world, to do something about eradicating it. Addiction has been scientifically proven to be a disease through many brain studies and therefore by default this fact conclusively bypasses all moral questions.

Not that you would know this listening to the mainstream voice on addiction which – unless you are a celebrity – treats addicts like scum of the earth. The mainstream voice is bullying to addicts – pure and simple. The mainstream has zero interest in helping our collective addiction problem. Instead it hinders it with it’s holier than thou judgemental poison.

But whether the mainstream voice accepts it or not, addicts do have a disease and

Should be treated as such. Whereas someone with cancer or diabetes gets sympathy, flowers and chocolates, addicts get hatred, are ostracized and are ridiculed. But none more so than someone who lies all the time. They are probably the most hated of all people with an addiction. This is very wrong. Non-pathological lying, as defined above, is an addiction like any other.

It is not a moral issue and should never be treated as such.

ARE YOU A LYING ADDICT?

If you suspect you are a lying addict, the following self assessment questions will help you determine whether you are or not…

1. Is your life out of control because of your lying?
2. Is your mind obsessed with your lies or lying?
3. Do you lie every day?
4. Do you fail to do what is important and normally expected of you because of your lying?
5. Do you risk aspects of your personal safety and the safety of your loved ones in order to lie?
6. Are you in danger of losing loved ones because of your lying?
7. Does your body crave the experience associated with lying so strongly that you feel you have to lie?
8. Have you ever decided to stop lying and lasted only a couple of days?
9. Do you ever wish people would mind their own business about your lying and stop telling you what to do?
10. Have you had problems in the last year because of your lying?
11. Has your lying caused you problems at home?
12. Will you lose your support system if you tell people about the lies you have told them?
13. Do you tell yourself you can stop lying any time you want even though you keep lying when you don’t mean to?
14. Have you ever felt like your life would be better if you didn’t lie?

A “yes” response to any of these questions suggests you may be a lying addict. Also, the more “yes” responses the more likely it is that you are a lying addict. However, only you can define yourself as a lying addict. That is nobody’s job but yours.

Copyright © 2012 Billi Caine

Big Hug,
Billi Caine
Lying Addiction Home Mediation Kit