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sps5383 · Jul 24, 2007, 01:46 PM

My first true love and I dated from the time we were 16 until I ended the relationship when we were 21. We went to high school and college together and experienced every possible "first" together. I ended the relationship because I thought I needed to experience other relationships before settling on one person.

Fast forward 17 years. I'm married with 3 beautiful girls, but can't shake the feeling that I I made the wrong decision 17 years ago. I love my wife, but I don't feel the same profound emotional connection I felt with my ex. I've dealt with this off and on over the years, but I've managed to keep these feelings pretty well buried.

I saw my ex at our high school reunion a couple weeks ago and the feelings came to the surface with a vengeance. I was utterly drawn to her and really enjoyed catching up. She's now married with 2 kids of her own, but I could see the spark in her eyes as well. I wanted to tell her how I felt, but didn't get a chance. I don't want to let these things go unspoken any longer, so I've written her a letter expressing how I feel about her. That she is my true love, my one great love, that I regret not realizing it until it was too late, and that I'm sorry for breaking her heart. Should I send it? I'm hoping it will help me let go and move on. I'm not expecting anything in return.

Haplo · Jul 24, 2007, 01:50 PM

Will it truly be cathartic for you or are you secretly hoping for something more? To me, as a man, I read your situation as somewhat as a Pandora's Box. You seek closure but the actions you're taking have a large potential for some serious fallout. Are you willing to risk hurting and possibly alienating your wife and family?

What about if she does respond? What then?

sps5383 · Jul 24, 2007, 08:23 PM

Thanks for your response. If I were completely honest with myself I would admit that I harbour a fantasy that our destinies will ultimately bring us together again some day, but I am realistic enough to understand that this is an unlikely eventuality.

I would welcome a response from her and an opportunity to talk about this. Pandora's Box or not, these are legitimate feelings and emotions that I want to get to the bottom of. That being said, I haven't given the prospect of harm to my family much consideration. Any time you put something in writing it has a chance of coming back to bite you. Frankly, I just want to be able to put this behind me once and for all and live purely for the future. I'm not sure I can do that without sharing my feelings with my ex. Love's a 8itch, no?

mckenzie134 · Jul 24, 2007, 08:30 PM

Definitely send it you may only live once!!

In another 17 years you will wonder what if I had of sent that??

You are now wondering 17 years later are you going to make the same MISTAKE twice...

NEVER DIE WONDERING...

Please keep us informed. Send it today time waits for no one...

Skell · Jul 24, 2007, 08:55 PM

I guess the main question you have to ask yourself is whether it is worth losing a wife and family for.

The answer to that is entirely up to you and no one here can tell you whether the answer you come to is right or wrong.

Good luck!

touji-za-nai · Jul 24, 2007, 09:23 PM

... thats really sad man, really sad.. not pathetic, I mean I'm going to cry that's sad. It really sounds like you made a bad choice 17 years ago, you should have just held on and never let go.

Don't leave your family, you said yourself you have children and a home with your wife, but I can't help but feel bad for you.

(hows that for a mixed answer?)

Jiser · Jul 25, 2007, 01:28 AM

I did allot of reading around the subject of first loves. There is allot around on the net. In all honesty your first loves usually around 16-21 is a time of emotional, mental and physical upheaval. Your life, views, body changes a great deal. Your first love can be 'imprinted' on your brain. That 'magical' time never forgotten. Fact is it's the same 'reality' you have now as it was then. Seems like just a fantasy your holding onto. All those hormones created such an amazing experience... Leave it in the past or everything is really going to go tits up!

talaniman · Jul 25, 2007, 02:31 AM

Throw the letter away as you have too much to lose, and I think its selfish and unreasonable to expect that things haven't changed in 17 years. Why would you burden some one with your long held feelings after that long? Throw the letter away and let everyone have the peace they have now. Then you don't have to worry about getting bitten in the butt.

Haplo · Jul 25, 2007, 06:50 AM

Also, consider this: what about her family? What about her husband and her children? Bringing this conversation to light with them also places their relationships in jeopardy.

I understand how you feel about the legitamacy of the emotions, but also realize that what you're in love with happened 17 years ago and is, for all intents and purposes, a fantasy. Sure, you saw the spark when you met her, and you responded emotionally and such but consider the basis for your actions. She is not the woman in your head, as much as you may think she is.

Love is not selfish, it is selfless. Consider your family and her family. If you truly feel that this is a necessary course of action for you and that there is no hidden agenda, discuss it with your wife. Discuss with her that this is something from your past that you feel you need to do and get closure on. If you're not willing to involve her in it then your motives are questionable at best and bad things will ensue.

nicespringgirl · Jul 25, 2007, 07:28 AM

U've already hurt one person, so think carefully if you want to hurt your current wife!
A moving story, but when you were young you didn't know how to appreciate your ex, you thought u'd like to have more experience, you wanted more, now you have satisfied your desire. There is not a medcine called-regreting medicine if you know what I mean. You chose your way of your life, be responsible and appreciate your current family.

LivingtheLifeinFLA · Jul 25, 2007, 03:10 PM

What, are you NUTs? Wait until your wife finds out about the note, she will. Your ex will probably brag to her husband, he will get jealous and call your wife, PARTY OVER!

Send a note and tell her it was nice catching up and you want to meet for lunch with some lame excuse. Then tell her in person with no evidence.

But really, the past is done, think of the kids.

ordinaryguy · Jul 25, 2007, 05:27 PM

Originally Posted by sps5383

I haven't given the prospect of harm to my family much consideration.

Well, you should probably do that, before you send the letter.

Any time you put something in writing it has a chance of coming back to bite you.

Well, duh!!

Frankly, I just want to be able to put this behind me once and for all and live purely for the future.

If this is really the truth, you'll tear that letter up and burn the pieces, and stop obsessing over her.

I'm not sure I can do that without sharing my feelings with my ex.

Oh, yes you can! Every thought and every word you devote to this gives it more reality and more momentum, and makes it that much harder to stop. Don't go there if you don't want to unleash a torrent of heartache on two families.

s_cianci · Jul 25, 2007, 05:31 PM

Don't send it. It could give her the wrong impression. You both have families of your own to whom you owe your love and loyalty. Remember, it ended for a reason. If it was really so great, it would have lasted and you'd now be married to each other 17 years with several kids. People change over the years. You and she are not the same people you were 17 years ago. And since you didn't stay together and grow and change together, chances are you're not even that compatible anymore.

Ash123 · Jul 25, 2007, 05:42 PM

You are not alone. The past is real. We are connected for...ever.

So, what to do?

Write the letter.
Hold on to the letter.
Keep it somewhere 100% SAFE and re-read it in 3 months.
See how you feel then. You WILL feel different.

Now, my guess is you are now obsessed with this woman and none of this may be stoppable. If so, great. Take a breath.
If not, then ask her to meet. Don't send a letter. That is dynamite ready to go off.
Meet her and see how she feels and then talk frankly. The odds are that the fantaasy of life has changed. A lot of things happen (health, financial, family, body) that differ from 17 - but still she was a part of your life and give this due process... the best thing: write it down to get it out - but realize that the past is the past and let it be that... But not everyone can do that. So let me know how it goes. Maybe you can just be friends and not hurt yourself or your families. Yes?

wall12 · Jul 26, 2007, 09:23 PM

It's funny. They say we only live once so we all should follow our hearts and make the best of it. But it's a lot easier said than done. What if you send her the letter? If you saw the spark during the reunion, then it will be no surprise if it starts back again after she realizes that the feelings are reciprocated. However, think of the relationships between your families. Do you think it's worth ending your marriage with your wife and the connection with your kids? Do you really want your kids to grow up viewing you as some sort of "betrayer" and your ex the villain? Also, what if your daughter was married and her husband walked out of the relationship to reconcile with his ex? How would you feel about it then?

On the other hand, what if you didn't send her the note? Do you really want to go on the rest of your life thinking about her and thinking of what could have happened? It's tricky, it's unfair, but it's life. Do whatever you think is best. Follow your heart, but make sure it's the wisest decision of all. One that satisfies your heart and those amongst you.

sps5383 · Jul 27, 2007, 08:40 AM

Thanks for all the great answers everyone. You've given me a lot to think about and consider before proceeding. I'm still struggling with this, but your advice has pushed me closer to a resolution.

The letter is written and stored securely on my hard drive at work. That is where it will stay for now. Not destroyed, but not delivered either. I'm going to give this some time before making a final decision on whether to send it. If nothing else this dilemma has given me better insight into myself. I'm just not sure that's exactly a good thing.

Ash123 · Jul 27, 2007, 10:36 AM

There is a WORLD of difference between thinking and acting.

(See also the U.S. legal system.) A model citizen CAN think of killing the guy that stole and wrecked his car. The criminal is the one that does it. Really. That's the only difference. You have done NOTHING wrong... yet. So, proceed and I applaud your candor and need to talk this out. You are only human. And being a human means thinking, suffering, loving, hating and yes, writing... a letter now and then. Think on this and talk to you soon.

talaniman · Jul 27, 2007, 11:22 AM

I think if you dedicated as much energy into your current relationship, there would be very little doubt whether to send a letter to another. Take it from someone who has many lost loves, and never look back. Live in the now.