... it's only been 30 days...

... I've been doing really well with not going on Facebook or Twitter, but I have this bad habit of signing onto AIM just to see if she's online, knowing I can't talk to her.

I guess I shouldn't be doing this either.

Nope, you shouldn't.

No you shouldn't-so long as you do that you're still not doing proper no contact.
You will eventually get to a point where you can't be bothered trying to find out whether she is on aim or any of the social networking sites.

Hm. I didn't see it at first. But you're right, I'm not 100% NC if I'm checking AIM.

Did they change the way AIM works? You used to be online (and visible) to see who was online. So unless it changed, she can still see you online as well. Plus, it doesn't even matter. The question is, when are you going to delete her?

You are allowed to be "invisible" on AIM; but I've been making it a habit to be visible online when she's online, hoping she'd IM me. But I'm mobile enabled so I'm always available to receive IMs... it's hard to let go of false hope.

I've deleted random girls in the past, and I know it's liberating, it gives a sense of Power and Control. But... I'm not over her yet... I'm still upset over what happened. I think she's mad at something else; I think she saw my texts to other girls and that changed how she felt about me.

I'm saying I just want closure on that thought, but we know it's just an excuse to break NC.

... I keep thinking, if it were the texts, and if I gave her my explanation, things could be better.

But what is Better?

No matter what happens, in her eyes, I'll always be the guy she screwed to get back at her ex; and to add, I'm the guy she used, and maybe I'm still the guy she blames for everything.

Better is when you make a firm decision that you are going to do 100% nc and then work your way through the pain,the hurt and the anger so that you can emerge on the other side of this,having gained a relationship experience and, eventually be ready to meet and be happy with someone else.

Closure is something you must find within yourself,nobody else can give that to you.

Yes,she probably used you,but you need to realise that whatever her motives,feelings and actions,they are not important now.

You are,your healing and your future happiness.

Thank you.

... it has only been two months since my initial post.

I was just reminded of how cruel life can be some times.

Nothing bad in specific happened. I'm just thinking about the day I say goodbye to this cruel world.

Even though I realize there are other people out there who face horrible circumstances and live unfortunate lives, at the end of the day, I am selfish, and I care about myself.

It shows when I say, I don't want to be like this, I don't want to live like this; we don't always get what we want.

I am like this, and I am living like this.

I'm cruel to myself.

Thoughts are flooding my mind, and I'm drowning again; I want to stop myself, but I can't.

I get scared when I think of how I can stop myself.

And I'm just about ready to say goodbye.

You sound depressed.
Do you have people to talk to?

Make an appointment to see your doctor .

You need help,please get it.

Time to get back to the doctor guy, and get the meds adjusted.

You don't have to sit and suffer you know, and this is an easy, simple fix.

Just call the doctor now!

... I'm sorry for being Me.

I just don't want to be Me right now.

If it's any help,most of us feel that way from ttime to time.

I still say go see your doctor.

Don't apologize for being you, just do good things for yourself, like seeing that doctor.

... so I dug through my backup hard drive and came across my AIM Logs folder. Out of curiosity I found the chat history between my ex and I when we started talking.

I didn't know this file existed; I thought I forgot to enable chat history back then, but apparently I did.

I read through more than half of our conversations; we started chatting March 2010. I almost contacted her last night just to let her know I found this file; she knows I was looking for it because I told her about how it's weird I would disable logging; I back up all my SMS messages to my Gmail, keep old letters, pictures, etc. how could I forget to log our AIM chats?

I haven't finished reading all of our conversations yet. It's hard to read them because I just want to ask her why why why why why. I want to know what was she thinking; I want to know how she's doing now...

Okay, so now you are digging deep to torture yourself.

Call your therapist. She needs to know just how self-destructive you are being.

I know you want to read those logs and re feel all the pain all over again full force. DON'T, delete them without reading them!!

Seen your doctor yet??

You really don't want to be doing that-why create more pain for yourself?

The choice is yours,but what's so attractive about inflicting more set backs on yourself?

How's the therapy going?

... most of the time, when I see my therapist, I'm in a weird mood; it's like an hour drive, and driving can serve to reduce stress. So I'm all relaxed when I arrive, and end up not wanting to talk about "problems." Plus, a part of me really wants to feel better, and understands that all this is getting "old."

But that's the problem, I'm like half way there; I'm constantly drifting from feeling OK, to feeling like crap; one moment I'm distracted by good things, one moment I'm distracted by bad memories.

I'm still mad at myself; I still blame myself; I still feel rejected...

I'm still screaming, it's not fair, it's not fair, but at the same time... it is, whatever it is.

I admit, I have a self destructive personality, but the chat log isn't all bad... ok, I'm lying, it reminds me of how blind I was...

... she Cared. She cared to chat with me, even if it were to distract herself, or to get back at her ex, or whatever, at one point she cared.

That's attractive, to me at least. I mean, that's why I keep coming back to this forum, for support, thinking you all care; so thank you.

I visit or revisit the past because I feel lost; a part of me thinks I'm going crazy, insane.

The stuff I talked about in the past which was the future is now the present. Reading what I just wrote is crazy.

I need to know that everything is going to be OK even though it's not. I can't tell myself that, not for long at least.

I was talking to this guy at a bar last night, he's older, probably in his 40s; he was telling me about how he traveled the world, well to me it seems like the world; all over Europe, places in Canada, all the States, what an adventure right? He said he cashed out his retirement plan at like 28. I don't know where I'm going with this, but he said that's how he met his girlfriend, traveling. He said he met a lot of friendly people while traveling and had all sorts of experiences.

I'm not ready to travel; I don't know where to go, I don't even know where I am right now. I feel, if I'm lonely now, like this, what would it be like being lonely elsewhere? Plus, money is an issue... which I'm fine with considering because I used to focus on how to make money because my life was all about Time and Money; I had little of both.

Now I have lots of Time, and some Money. But if I had more Money? It won't change the past. That's the sad part. Give me a million dollars, it won't change how I feel about this girl, how I feel about my friend.

So if Money won't change me... then Time? People say Time will heal... yeah... but it takes time... and I'm impatient.

I was thinking about my parents last night, about how they're divorced, about how my Dad changed and my Mom changed and how it probably affected me.

It's not fair.

It will be okay guy, if you put as much positive actions into the next 3 months and a week, as you have thinking feeling and wandering clueless as you have for the last 3 months and a week.

It will be okay if you develop a plan that makes you happy, that is both realistic, and practical. Then do it!!

Then everything will be okay!!