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    Peanutsdiamonds's Avatar
    Peanutsdiamonds Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Oct 5, 2008, 08:51 PM
    Life long love and friendship has been harmed
    Good evening,

    I am brand new to the site and have never sought help for anything in my personal life on the internet but sometimes a different perspective is needed and someone might see things from a different angle or from one's own personal experience. Here goes:

    Up front I must explain our (my friend) respective situations. We met when he was 19 and I was 15 - we are both from a small town in the Southern U.S. For me, it was love (albeit puppy love) at first sight. He was quiet, shy and very smart. We dated and had many good times, laughs and playful fun when we were young. The year was 1966.

    He left and went on to college, to become a senior pilot for a major airline and is now working as an engineer with a defense contracting company on the West Coast of the United States. He has been with a partner for over ten years. They are not married but live together and he supports her three children from a previous marriage.

    I am married, no children and have a very busy work life as I own my own business and have for over twenty five years.

    About five and a half years ago he contacted by email. Here in the U.S. we have an internet site called Classmates.com which allows you to find those you were in school with if you join the site. He joined the site, I had joined as well - he wrote to me and we have been writing and talking ever since. We have not seen each other since 1969.

    My marriage has been less than happy - not making excuses here - just stating a fact. There are many factors involved why we have not divorced - the business being the prime factor.

    During our writings and telephone calls we both admitted we had loved each other since we were young kids. We have grown to know each other - as best as we can - by phone and letters. We both made a decision that we would not leave a legacy of pain to our current partners and would not do anything to hurt them - so we have kept things very hands off so to speak.

    However, during our talks he had mentioned to me in passing that it had been many years (since his mom had passed away) that anyone had given him a wrapped gift for his birthday or Christmas. We both grew up in military families where those days were really a big deal - so for his birthday I started wrapping little silly things like magnets, gift cards, calendars etc. and sending them to him. He was always so touched and he did send me cards and always called on my birthday.

    Two years ago, he didn't send a card, didn't call - was silent. A few days later came an email with 1000 excuses why a card wasn't sent, why he didn't call - why he didn't email - I was deeply hurt and let him know that. He stopped calling, writing or communicating for nearly three months. I apologized in both an email and phone calls for over-reacting and was more saddened at the loss of our friendship. We came back together and things were fine until my birthday this year - and it happened again. Birthday passed and two days later I got an email with all the excuses - no Happy Birthday - nothing. I waited four days before sending him an email saying that I was very hurt and was going to let go of our friendship and relationship because I just get too hurt over things and he obviously doesn't care.

    Well, here I am a month later and he has done the same thing - no note, no call, no card = no nothing. I certainly didn't want to walk away from the friendship but I tend to do that when I get hurt - instead of blowing up and arguing I pull away and go into a shell (it is a survival thing). I am assuming that he just does not care - and didn't care two years ago when it first happened. I feel as though I have been really quite foolish in believing that care was there when it wasn't.

    I don't and haven't ever believed that there would be some great and grand romantic hook up made if our situations ever changed. I am more hurt over the friendship not being as bonded as I believed it to be. All my friends seem to have enough care within them to at least wish me a happy birthday or whatever - and I do the same with them. If I miss one of their days I do all I can to make the situation right.

    This all probably sounds quite foolish and senseless - but for me it is very sad. I miss his calls and letters but I also believe if he really did care about me as a friend he would have written or called by now - he knows where I am and he knows how hurt I am.

    Any insight would be much appreciated. And thank you in advance for not judging me too harshly.

    Peanuts and Diamonds
    AmExp's Avatar
    AmExp Posts: 330, Reputation: 11
    Full Member
     
    #2

    Oct 5, 2008, 09:26 PM

    Your situation doesn't sound too different from mine in the sense of the guy knows how you feel and where you are but chooses to do nothing about it. Lately I have been thinking, "Do I really want to put up with he excuses, lies, stories, whatever?" When someone truly cares would they treat your feelings as nothing? Were you looking to leave your husband if things were to sudden catch on??
    TrueFaith's Avatar
    TrueFaith Posts: 1,202, Reputation: 313
    Ultra Member
     
    #3

    Oct 5, 2008, 11:08 PM

    I think you are just going down a road of pain with him
    As you are married and he is with someone

    Why bother even feeling like that way about someone. Who has someone else

    I think you looked to him for a new a spark because the one that use to light your life is gone

    It's a shame really. You say you don't want a romantic thing with him yet you get so hurt just because he does not sned you a gift? I have many friends and if I forget there birthday its not really a huge deal
    So there is something more there.
    And your feelings for him are stronger than you let on.

    I say let go of him and work on your own life and your partner try and get the spark back with him. Not with someone that you have not seen in 30 years


    Live your life, and stop hurting yourself

    All the best
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,881, Reputation: 10852
    Expert
     
    #4

    Oct 6, 2008, 06:58 AM

    Have you noticed that when something happens with our friends, the first thing we wonder is do they care?

    Leave it alone, and hope all is well with him, as you never know what he is going through. Don't let all the feelings that come with missing your friend, have you thinking too much.

    Friends come, and go through out our lives. This is no different than when you were younger, and lost touch, only to find each other years later.

    You'll just have to find another outlet for that hole in your soul, that our friends leave, as they live there own lives without us.
    Peanutsdiamonds's Avatar
    Peanutsdiamonds Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #5

    Oct 6, 2008, 12:09 PM

    Hi all - thank you so much for all the wise advise.

    AmExp - I never thought that I would leave my husband for this person. That wasn't ever going to happen. I just wanted to hold onto a long bonded friendship. But you are very right - why take things from someone that just doesn't care about feelings of others? Tears shouldn't fall for someone who isn't worth it. And someone who is worth it would never make us cry right? Old saying but true.

    True Faith - thank you for your insight. I think what I am feeling deeper than anything right now is an ego bruise. None of us wants to think we can be ignored or dismissed so quickly. And you are right - letting go is the only option - which is what I wrote to him nearly a month ago.

    Talaniman - you absolutely nailed my feelings - a hole in my soul. Maybe saying goodbye to a much cherished memory that was so sweet and so innocent - now tainted with hurt that should never have been. And you are right - I don't know what he is going through - he is a very non-confrontational person and does get silence when challenged. I will just let things alone and take the old addage "Silence is Golden" as my mantra.

    Thanks everyone. All the words were so appreciated.
    Dragonfly1234's Avatar
    Dragonfly1234 Posts: 161, Reputation: 49
    Junior Member
     
    #6

    Oct 6, 2008, 12:36 PM

    I don't mean to be harsh but I believe you are fooling yourself if you honestly think that what you have with this man is friendship. Just becaused you are not physically cheating on your husband does not mean that you are not cheating at all. You have an emotional bond with him, one that is personal only to a husband. You are in essence emotionally cheating on your husband.

    Some people facing this kind of end to an emotional bond compare it to being heart broken. You say that you didn't have the belief that anything would come out of this beyond friendship, I don't believe that for a second. You have very high expectations of a simple friendship. I believe you are this upset because you have romantic feelings for this man.

    You're at a point where you need to 1-Face the truth and 2-Decide the best coarse of action for your well being.

    A lot of times when people start to work on what isn't going so well in their marriage, the connection they had with the 'friend' starts fading. If you decide that the best coarse of action for you is the invest in making your marriage work because a relationship with the other man is simply not feasible (or for whatever reason you come up with), you need to cut all contact with this man. No phone calls, no emails, nothing. In time and in working on your marriage, you will one day forget all about him.

    If you decide that your marriage is not something that can be salvaged, I suggest working towards a way to end it. You are wasting your time and the time of your husband by staying in this relationship. I understand that there are reasons you need to stay but I would suggest working towards one day ending it so that both of you can start over with someone you will be happy with.

    I hope it gets better for you and that you keep seeking advice, this type of situation often times clouds one's judgement and reasoning.

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