Hi there,

My girlfriend and I have been together for around 3.5 years. We've largely spent that time living and working together around the world. For the last two years we've lived and worked at the same institution and see each other every day.

Sex has always been a weird issue with us. Unfortunately at the start of our relationship I broke her trust by sleeping with an ex. This almost destroyed everything. We stayed together, but I feel that trust has been an issue that has strained things at time. For a long while I wouldn't be able to hang out with a girl, or spend much time out at night, without her questioning my motives. This gradually got better, and now I feel like we are honest and trust each other completely.

And yet it almost feels that the closer we get emotionally, the more infrequent sex becomes. Currently we have it almost once every couple of months. We've talked about this a bunch of times, but nothing ever seems to come out of it.

This brings me to the title of this question. My girlfriend approached me last week and told me that she wasn't happy. She said that she wanted a non-monogomous relationship. She wanted to feel free, and told me that if she could sleep with whoever she wanted this might make her want sex with me more. She reiterated that she loves me very much, and really wanted to continue what we have.

Well, I took it pretty hard- I didn't really like the idea. After a day or two of serious, heart-breaking discussion, filled with tears and nose-blowing, we came to a decision. Non-monogomy is probably some kind of crutch that we would use to prop up a relationship that is clearly damaged. We would break up.

Except we didn't. I changed my mind. An hour or so after we made this decision I came back and told her I wanted to give it a try. We went ahead with it. Two days later she's slept with one of the guys from work.

Now, I don't believe necessarily that non-monogomy is a bad thing. We have friends who practice this kind of relationship, and they're all very happy. This is part of the reason I actually changed my mind. But the thing I'm worried about is precisely the thing that we talked about. Is this just a crutch for a broken relationship>

So, there's my situation. Does anyone have an opinion? Is non-monogomy any kind of solution for our lack of sex? Or should I just face the fact that it's time to break up?

In theory, I could possibly accept the idea for some couples. But she wanted it and then a mere TWO DAYS later slept with someone else. That just rubs me the wrong way, because it was her specific wish/plan to sleep with him all along, rather than a general idea. I'd ditch her in a heartbeat for being phony and for withholding the truth. In fact I would start wondering if your sex once every two months was because she was already sleeping with him. Maybe not, but they had to have had a LOT of interaction going on before those 2 days.
And I would be wondering what his situation is - is he married, or otherwise unavailable? Would she have ditched you in a heartbeat if he were available?
This is just too much of a Pandora's box.

It sounds like the 'arrangement' with you, was only justification by her, to cheat. You agreed to a reason for her to find sex elsewhere. The agreement included all the angst that goes along with permission to cheat- the feelings of betrayal, jealousy, loss, etc.

Two days after warming you up to the idea, she slept with another man.

That has nothing to do with healing a relationship, it only makes it worse.

She chose to forgive, and stay with you, after you cheated with your ex. As far as I'm concerned, that is a non-issue, and does not justify her actions. Nor should you justify her actions because of a past mistake that was forgiven.

I think it is impossible to have a serious relationship, while at the same time, take the bits and pieces out that you don't like, or that aren't working, no matter what those issues are.

I think that you need to find out if the sex outside the relationship is merely being justified by calling it non monogamous. My guess is, she wants her cake and eat it too.

If she wants a friendship or companionship with you, while having relationships with others; a custom definition that meets her needs, you have some decisions to make.

If she would agree to be faithful, and perhaps work on her relationship with you, maybe get into couples counseling to figure this all out, that's one thing.

But for you to agree to her cheating, and her feeling quite confident that you'll be there for her when she jumps out of another man's bed, and come home to you, well- it's up to you.