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    I KNOW my girlfriend is lying, how to confront her and/or catch her in the lie.

    Asked Feb 4, 2008, 01:51 AM — 17 Answers
    Sorry this is so long, please help me and read:

    I have been dating this girl since October. We moved in together a month ago. We did not move in because we are taking our relationship to the next level but because we both needed roommates. Several weeks before we moved in she donated her eggs and had complications. One of her ovaries was cut and had to have emergency surgery to fix it. We haven't had sex for almost 2 months because before she was way too fertile, even with a condom on and now because she says she needs to get back on the pill to readjust her hormones, restart her menstrual cycle, and to get the OK from the doctor to have sex. So our sex life has totally died. I can understand all of this stuff she is saying, but part of me made me wonder if something was up and she might be making it up. She doesn't even want to mess around or anything. She is one of those girls who had a lot of guy friends and almost no girl friends. That has taken me some time to get used to but I'm doing it. I'm really not a jealous person, and only become one when I feel like I have a reason to be. Plus she has acted less affectionately as she used to. She just acts different than she used to act. She doesn't kiss as much and whatnot. She says not a super clingy person or super affectionate and that is fine. I just have noticed a change. Maybe she's out of the puppy love phase of the relationship? I don't know. So I become wary of how she acts now and how she doesn't want to mess around at all. I understand she may not want to because her body is out of whack. But part of me can't help wonder if that is actually the case. So I start to spy on her pretty hard core. I had never done anything like this before. I feel bad that I did this. I'm not justifying her privacy invasion, but I felt like I had no choice. I didn't want to be the sucker boyfriend who has no idea what's going on behind my back. I had to look around to know for sure. She started talking to an old high school friend who she never really knew. This guy flagged my attention. They would hang out and such. I did feel uncomfortable about it but wasn't going fuss over it. I didn't want to be that guy who would freak over her hanging out with other guys than me.

    One day I was reading through her IM's on her computer and saw a conversation they were having about how they had hooked up and how it happened too fast. I believe that she went to a show with him and might have stayed the night with him. The same night the show was happening she went to a club with some friends. So when I read this chat, I couldn't believe it. I printed it out and met up for lunch with her. I asked her if she had slept with him and she said no. I asked her repeatedly. I showed her the IM's and she was shocked that I had been spying, which is natural. But how could I make an accusation without any kind of proof. She said how the way I've been acting was pushing her away, I'm smothering her, and I don't act laid back like I used to and this guy does. She said didn't sleep with him but they did kiss. She says the hooking up meant the kiss. And says she didn't go to show with him. She says she didn't sleep with him and I think I believe her because of her operation. But at the same time I don't know if maybe she is better but keeping that from me. So we have the talk and I say I will chill out. Normally this would have ended very differently but we are both on the lease for a year. I mean I do like this girl, but I'm stuck with her in our place for a year. I want to work this out since I'm stuck with her. So I still feel uneasy about it, and she still acts the same. I didn't ask her not to see him anymore because it was “just a kiss”.

    So I have a webcam set up in my living room, and I come home and he is there and they are watching to TV. I'm all sketched out and I go into my room to look at the videos from the webcam. I'm blown away when I see video of him going in for a kiss and they hold a kiss for several seconds. Oh man, I barely held myself back from beating the &%$# out of him. He leaves and I'm thinking how I'm going to do this. I couldn't just sit on this and not say anything. So I ask her to come in my room and I show it to her. It's basically the same conversation we had at lunch, but more serious because it's a repeated offense. She says she's sorry but also says she was mad at me because I had been creeping. I don't know if that's a real excuse. At this point I say I don't want her hanging out with him anymore. I feel like I have the damn right to say that. She says OK. I can't control if she talks to him, but I think I have the right now to be mad if they hang out. I see messages to him about how she can't really see him because it's not right, yada yada yada. I'm bending over backwards at this point. I want to just walk away from this but I can't. I live with her! It's one big circle. She acted like this because I have acted like that, and because she is acting like that makes me want to check on what she is doing behind her back. We have betrayed each other's trust. I have stopped being in all her business. I'm trying hard to rebuild my trust with her. It's not like it's going to come back in two seconds.

    So I get home tonight from work and she isn't home, so I randomly check to see if she has talked to him. And they have…she says that since he is going to be near her parents house, he should come see part of the game. He says if he comes, it's not going to be till half time. I can only assume they are doing something now when they hang out. I don't know for fact if they hung out or not, but just the fact that she initiated it. How do I call her out now? I can't say that I'm in her business again. She comes home a little later and I kind of hide that I'm pissed. I ask if she had talked to him lately or seen him lately. She says no. I ask her would she lie to me about it. She says no.

    We are going to lunch tomorrow. I want to bring it up again, but casually. Like ask if he ever met her parents, and ask more questions if they have had interactions. I want to catch her in a lie. I want to just tell her straight up, but I CAN NOT mention that I'm on her computer again. Should I just let this go? I think she might be pretending to keep things going is because she things to be civil in the house, maybe not? I don't know. I know they still casually talk, but that's harmless. Why would she be trying to hang out with him again! I haven't done anything to make her wander. Do I put everything on the table and say I know? How do I approach this? I'm trying to make the smartest decision. I may be over reacting. Should I be giving her crap for wanting to hang out with him? It would be so much work for me to leave. I would have to find a new place and I don't have the money right now to get a new place right away. Please help. I have lunch with her at noon (EST). I need some tips before then! Thank you!

    Last edited by AeriesIII; Feb 4, 2008 at 01:57 AM.
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    17 Answers
    duck22's Avatar
    duck22 Posts: 115, Reputation: 31
    Junior Member

    Feb 4, 2008, 06:29 AM
    Your not going to like what I have to say but I think you should leave her. I understand its hard because you share a place but one of you has to go. She is messing around behind your back with another man. She lies to you about it and all you can do is stalk her. Right there shows me its unhealthy, sticking in longer will just drag on the inevitable and make it worse on you. You said that you both betrayed each others trust, except she does not feel guilty, only guilty because she got caught.

    I say this because I have just recently been through a similar situation in 4 year relationship. She told me she loved me and I was her best friend and everything was great (at least I thought it was), until she left me out of the blue to be with this other guy. The same person that she promised me that it was "nothing more then friends." I believed and trusted her, she played me for a fool and I went with it. Your situation may be different, but I thought Id throw out my experience.
    Helpful (2)
    JBeaucaire's Avatar
    JBeaucaire Posts: 5,426, Reputation: 997
    Software Expert

    Feb 4, 2008, 07:20 AM
    HER - guy friends only, sleeps with you in first month of relationship, moves in with you "just because", donates eggs (VERY risky procedure but helpful to others), in a relationship with you and cheating

    = Not a safe person for you to date right now

    YOU - sleeps with a girl too soon and moves her into your place in early months a relationship, jealous, sneaky, techno-spy, stalking

    = Not a safe person for HER to date now

    You two clearly make unbelievably drama-filled life choices. I predict no change in the immediate future for either one of you, you are courting the drama with each choice you make.

    Whether she moves out or not, roomie, break it off. Maybe you can make a go of it as rommmates where sexual trust is less relavant.

    I hope she's paying her half of the rent. If not, well, more drama of course, but you may be screwed in that department, too.

    And please don't put this all on her. You got on this bus with her and have been riding the whole time by choice. You've chosen this. Cut it out.
    TrueFaith's Avatar
    TrueFaith Posts: 1,202, Reputation: 313
    Ultra Member

    Feb 4, 2008, 09:40 AM
    Dude you gotten yourself in the middle of a rock and a very very HARD place!

    First off you total feel for the wrong typ of girl. And you shouldn't have moved in with her.

    Don't let this go man she is ceating on you. If it's a kiss that's the same as sex. She is lies and then gets upset when you find out. There's no point in wasited your energy on this scum

    I can understand you not wanting to be the guy that's left in the dark and then have it all blow up in your face. Snooping isn't cool but I can understand it man. And good on you for calling her on this.

    Its time for you to leave her man. If you do she is one of the girls that will probable go out with another guy in front of you. Which is the worst typ of person.

    Your living together right. I think you should either move out for the year or wait it out with her. I wouldn't recommended it

    You need to get this person out of your life as soon as possible! Before you keep seeing and hearing stuff that's just going to really really hurt.

    She doesn't let you have sex or kiss you yet she lets this other guy do it. Man you know she is cheating on you.

    Get rid of this person and get your life back on track!

    She brings out the worst in you man and its not good for both of you.
    I can't say this enough leave her she isn't someone you can trust
    And if she makes you act like this then its just awful

    Good luck
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,926, Reputation: 2443

    Feb 4, 2008, 09:48 AM

    Wow... if I were her, I'd totally leave YOU over all of this.

    Creepy, sneaky... you DO realize that in trying to catch her in a lie without being caught in the lie of "not snooping" yourself that you're being a hypcrite, right?

    Hope it's a 2 bedroom apartment. This is going to blow up, and badly, and soon.
    Helpful (1)
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,257, Reputation: 10825

    Feb 4, 2008, 10:01 AM
    Forget the fact you BOTH moved way to fast, and got in way over your heads, with the year lease. Neither of you knows the other well enough, and neither of you is honest with yourselves or your partner, enough to even call this a relationship, its not. This is a very bad soap opera, and you two don't even work together well enough, to maintain an apartment, or a relationship. Either pay with cash to separate, or pay the emotional price of being with someone you don't love or trust. Sorry for your loss, you both share the blame though, and a very expensive lesson in life.
    Helpful (1)
    EuRa's Avatar
    EuRa Posts: 315, Reputation: 64
    Full Member

    Feb 4, 2008, 11:38 AM
    You guys moved in together too fast. Who has the name on the lease, you or her or both? If you, kick her out asap. Don't let her give you a sappy story or anything else. She is a con artist and you are easily manipulated.

    If her name is on it, then you get the hell out asap. If both your names are on it, then you need to talk to your landlord, and simply say you need to move out and just ask what to do. Don't get into details. Landlords only care about money, not lives.

    Short Answer: You lost. I'm sorry buddy, but if you're competing for this chick, or if you want to get her back or whatever, you can't. It can't be done.

    Long Story: She lied to you almost from the start. She probably used you early on, then used you again to get money or someone to live with. Then when she had what she needed from you to make up that story about not having sex. Perhaps she did donate an egg, but that's just an easy way to make up a story that would prevent her from having sex with you. I know a girl who gave a similar story, but it involved a yeast infection.

    Then she lied... and lied again... and lied again. She'll just continue on until you end it, or until she can move out.

    She's a liar, and will continue to lie right to you. She may have liked you once upon a time, but for one reason or another, she doesn't anymore. She doesn't even respect you. She can lie right to your face, and still do what she wants to do anyway. What kind of relationship is that?

    It's over. Get out as soon as you can. You need to move on. And I'm sorry. :<


    PS - Your original question "how to catch her?". You already did. She lied a few times, and you caught her. How much farther do you want to go with this? If you catch her even deeper than right now, what will that do for you? Validate it? Prove to her you know? I think you've already done both of those. She's seeing someone else, and you know about it. There's nothing more you can do. You've done it all! If you go any farther, you could get in big trouble.
    Helpful (2)
    EuRa's Avatar
    EuRa Posts: 315, Reputation: 64
    Full Member

    Feb 4, 2008, 11:42 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Synnen
    Wow...if I were her, I'd totally leave YOU over all of this.

    Creepy, DO realize that in trying to catch her in a lie without being caught in the lie of "not snooping" yourself that you're being a hypcrite, right?
    Umm... what? Do you realize what you said?

    If you were her, you should have "totally" not moved in to begin with. And you should have "totally" broke up with him before all this went down. To validate her sneaking around by blaming him for snooping doesn't make sense.
    TrueFaith's Avatar
    TrueFaith Posts: 1,202, Reputation: 313
    Ultra Member

    Feb 4, 2008, 11:46 AM
    I agree with EuRa There is no point in saying if I was this person id do this and that. Because if you was that type of person Synnen then your just as much to blame as he is. The one good thing he has done he has come for help and is trying to get out of it

    While this girl will just keep on making the same mistakes again and again.
    I'm glad he got her in the lies or he would have just been taken for a suckker for ages. At least he can leave feeling proude and say yeah I might have messt up but at least I stopped it when I found there was no way I could go on with the relationship
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,926, Reputation: 2443

    Feb 4, 2008, 11:47 AM

    Wow... one thing EuRa has wrong here is about the egg donation thing.

    I would think he'd KNOW if she was. The medication youhave to be on puts you in permanent PMS. And then to have a problem that involves SURGERY--I mean, she'd be in the hospital, and that's a little hard to fake.

    Hormone treatments DO mess with your libido.

    She may be a liar, but so is he. She may be messing around behind his back, but HE is treating her like his teenage daughter, not like his partner. He

    She violated his trust, he violated her trust.. blah blah blah.

    She may be wrong--but so is he.

    So... don't be spouting all this bad stuff about her without pointing out the bad things HE has admitted as well.
    Helpful (2)
    HistorianChick's Avatar
    HistorianChick Posts: 2,556, Reputation: 825
    Ultra Member

    Feb 4, 2008, 12:09 PM
    I'll admit. I formed an opinion before I even read your post... and I did read the post, copied and pasted "key phrases", started to address each one, and realized that my initial opinion hadn't changed... why take time to re-answer all the questions that everyone has answered already??

    My initial response: You "know your girlfriend is lying" therefore you do not trust her. Trust is the foundation of a relationship. Without trust, there is no relationship. Consequently, you are not able to be IN a relationship because there IS no relationship.

    Darlin, the question is not "how do I catch her in a lie" (because you obviously have IM conversations and webcam proof - don't get me started on that one), because you already did. The question is, what are you going to do about it?

    You don't trust her. She doesn't trust you. That is not a relationship. That's two people co-existing. I think you need to try and find some other living arrangements.
    Helpful (2)
    EuRa's Avatar
    EuRa Posts: 315, Reputation: 64
    Full Member

    Feb 4, 2008, 01:00 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Synnen thing EuRa has wrong here is about the egg donation thing.

    I would think he'd KNOW if she was. The medication youhave to be on puts you in permanent PMS. And then to have a problem that involves SURGERY--I mean, she'd be in the hospital, and that's a little hard to fake.

    Hormone treatments DO mess with your libido.
    That's fine, but I was never wrong because I never said any of this. All I said was that (true or not about her surgery) it was an easy excuse not to have sex or be close to him. Because, after all, she's obviously close to someone else. You're reading too much into it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Synnen
    So....don't be spouting all this bad stuff about her without pointing out the bad things HE has admitted as well.
    I already said that he should stop what he's doing. I thought that would imply I disagreed with his actions. I was just trying to be nice, encouraging him to move on. This guy has fragile emotions, he will not respond well to harsch criticism.

    All you did was bash HIM, and not one word about HER, which was my complaint. If you think he was in the wrong, then that's fine. But you made it sound like it's all his fault and he's the only guilty party, and I disagree. She's even more guilty than he is. Using him for rent, using him for sex or company, lying to him, sneaking around and bringing her male escort to their house. Perhaps more.

    Aren't you the same person that had the disagreement about paying rent on another topic? Haven't you learned from that? :P Can't we both just agree that he has to get out of that relationship as fast as possible and move on? I'll wave a white flag if I have to, holey crap.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,926, Reputation: 2443

    Feb 4, 2008, 04:58 PM

    I don't see where he's supporting her in his post.

    I see that they BOTH needed roommates and moved in together.

    So... she's supporting him as much as he's supporting her.

    Look--I've been the girl with a boyfriend that out of the blue doesn't trust me, basing it on snooping in my private conversations (via email, on the phone, whatever). The reason I didn't TELL the guy I was seeing a guy friend in the first place is because that was how I knew he'd react.

    Then he went overboard with the spying on me, accusing me of lying--it just got creepy, and I got out of that relationship. Luckily, I wasn't living with him. I did, however, have to change not only my passwords to everything, but my phone number and email addresses, too.

    Am I criticizing him? Absolutely. That doesn't make what SHE is doing right--but omg, his actions are very much like a stalker! No wonder the poor girl feels like she has to hide things!

    Does that justify her lying to him? Absolutely not.

    However--ya'll are painting her to be a gold-digging cheating whore, and ignoring his psychopathic stalking tendencies.

    They should BOTH move on--neither is EVER going to trust the other one again.
    Delow84's Avatar
    Delow84 Posts: 309, Reputation: 45
    Full Member

    Feb 4, 2008, 05:12 PM
    Id have to disagree somewhat synnen... you should never hide something from the person you care about, even if you know how they would react. Of course if you hide guy friends, or girl friends because you know they might get the wrong idea, and they find out, then well you just GAVE them the wrong idea. Snooping is creepy, been on both sides of it. But snooping isn't psychopathic. That's kind of harsh imo. When you feel like you need to snoop to find out the truth, that is a big bright signal telling you to just leave. Why bother snooping and sinking to their level?

    They just both need to go their separate ways, it will only get worse for each of them.
    aboleth's Avatar
    aboleth Posts: 60, Reputation: 8
    Junior Member

    Feb 4, 2008, 10:39 PM
    Step back, take a deep breath, and stop being jealous bro. She's not going to want that man. She want's a man who's exciting, challenging, and not putting her in akward places. You want her to cheat, keep up the jealousy... it's a self fufilling prophecy. If you think she is cheating and you can't trust her... I'd move on. You 2 need to forgive, forget, and move on without prejiduce if you want a happy relationship.

    Just my 2 cents.
    cerisa's Avatar
    cerisa Posts: 247, Reputation: 71
    Full Member

    Feb 6, 2008, 09:22 PM
    Wow, I agree that he is psycho, scary even, that was my first impression.
    She is a little nuts herself donating her eggs. Altruism is beautiful when you are in a position to do so. Doesn't sound like it here.
    Also he doesn't say he is supporting her. He says they were not ready to take their brief (only since October!) dating scene any further. They were going to be roommates. He has no business spying on his roommate -nor requiring of her to be available to him. She lied, bad, if they had a commitment, none of his business if they did not.
    dmanblue2's Avatar
    dmanblue2 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Jan 19, 2009, 06:22 PM
    Dude brake up with her or do the same thing its not right for her t do that to you.Theres always a hole lot more fishes in the sea
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,926, Reputation: 2443

    Jan 20, 2009, 06:49 AM

    Since the OP hasn't posted in a YEAR, I'm sure that he's either broken up with her or fixed it by now.

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