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    hpallister's Avatar
    hpallister Posts: 39, Reputation: 5
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    #1

    Sep 12, 2007, 09:26 AM
    I've made a mistake and lost the love of my life
    I have been been with my boyfriend for a liitle over two years and have been living with him for a year, and when we first moved in together I went out a lot, mainly in an effort to retain my own identity. I did daft things like not invite him out, meet up with male friends, get drunk and then expect him to pick me up late at night. I was insensitive and inconsiderate basically. He also had worries about the fact I had a myspace, and so I got rid of it. Over the last 6 months or so I have not been out nearly as much, and have made a real effort to consider him and make him part of my social life. We were solid, had a great time together and were planning our futures. It was a real bond. I however was having a rough time with work and got a Facebook as a distraction, to email old (female) schoolfriends. He found out and this has greatly upset him, because of my secrecy and the fact that I did something when I knew might hurt him. He no longer trusts me, and is seeing the whole relationship in a negative light.

    About a month ago he split up with me because of this, saying it was too late for apologies and that the face book thing had made him question what he was getting out of the relationship and why he put up with those inconsiderate actions. I shoud stress that he is a very sensitive, considerate and kind person and isn't controlling, he just rightly believes in 'do as you would be done by'.

    I don't know how to win back his trust? How can I bring back his positive associations with the relationship? I love him and want to change my patterns of behaviour for the better, and I don't want my stupid mistake to take away two years of wonderful relationship. Please help, I really love this man.
    Chery's Avatar
    Chery Posts: 3,666, Reputation: 698
    Gone, But Not Forgotten
     
    #2

    Sep 12, 2007, 09:37 AM
    Dear hpallister..

    Sorry you messed up something by just being you, but we all make our mistakes and learn from them.

    If he has not contacted you since the break-up and is leading his own life, let him be. He has put up with a lot - and you admitt this - and is not ready to continue with this and I don't think you should expect him to.

    The only way you can get him to understand your regret and accept that you are willing to change is by your attitude and actions. No amount of reassuring words will convince him.

    Again, actions speak louder than words, so you could make it evident by your behaviour. However, don't be surprised if he is no longer interested.

    Take what you've learned from this and go on with your life as best as you can.

    Good Luck.

    hpallister's Avatar
    hpallister Posts: 39, Reputation: 5
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    #3

    Sep 12, 2007, 09:44 AM
    Thanks Chery, I appreciate you taking the time to reply.
    He does still ask to see me occasionally, and keeps in contact, but seems very confused - I suggested couple's counselling and he said he'd think about it.

    I just don't really know how my actions can tell him much at the moment - as we're not in a relationship, I can't prove that I won't be inconsiderate, if you know what I mean?
    Chery's Avatar
    Chery Posts: 3,666, Reputation: 698
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    #4

    Sep 12, 2007, 10:12 AM
    Sure do..

    But I see something positve in this, he said he'd think about the couples therapy.. if this happens, you will be able to show him the changes you are going through, and might be able to grasp a lot more.

    I think it would benefit the both of you. But if he does not go for it, then try it out yourself - it certainly can't hurt. When he knows you are doing all you can he just might consider another go at the relationship.

    It will take work and time, but it might just give you the reward you seek.

    Jiser's Avatar
    Jiser Posts: 1,266, Reputation: 281
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    #5

    Sep 12, 2007, 10:43 AM
    Actions do speak louder than words, I can't emphasise this enough! If you want him back do the action bit. ;]

    In the mean time I would give him some space for a number of months and concentrate on improving you and what you want from life. Don't rush into anything new either without thinking it over.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #6

    Sep 12, 2007, 04:33 PM
    I hope you have learned from the experience. I doubt if he will take another chance on your improvements though, and why should he? Fact is you should have done the change thing when you first moved in, and now it's a little late. No reason not to change for the better though as you never know what the future holds, with him or some one else.
    Ash123's Avatar
    Ash123 Posts: 1,793, Reputation: 305
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    #7

    Sep 12, 2007, 06:48 PM
    I think you could get him back.
    But I am not sure you wouldn't hurt him again.

    It sounds like deep down inside you feel you are a bit too young to settle on one person and you love him as a friend but want your freedom. So, you might want to let him go to save him heartbreak... Can you live without Facebook and as fun of a social life as you'd like?
    hpallister's Avatar
    hpallister Posts: 39, Reputation: 5
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    #8

    Sep 13, 2007, 05:11 AM
    Thank you so much for your thoughts...

    I definitely can live without Facebook - it was only an innocent way of emailing friends, and I'm off it now anyway. As for my social life - I think I want my idependence but also want to include him more and be more considerate. I was young and foolish before I guess.

    I'm more than ready to settle down with him, would do anything to make that possible - he really is great. He just seems so generally confused and unhappy with life at the mo - he's had a tough year job-wise and lacks a social life of his own I guess.

    I am having counselling and I'm working through things gradually.

    I guess to leave him to think is best but I'm worried he might feel I'm again not letting him be a part of my life... as he stated this was the problem? You're right, actions do speak louder than words, but I don't know whether to be a friend, or let him be alone with all this?
    Chery's Avatar
    Chery Posts: 3,666, Reputation: 698
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    #9

    Sep 13, 2007, 05:49 AM
    He might have had a rough year but he overcame that. He might not have a social life yet, but I'm sure he can work on that all by himself. He might at some point approach you again with friendship or more on his mind... but you have to leave that up to him. Don't force yourself in his face, give him space and let him make his own choices. If and when he does approach you, be friendly, casual and don't bring up the past.. it's too early.

    Give your therapy sessions time, yourself time, and him time to digest what is happening to his life.


    Ash123's Avatar
    Ash123 Posts: 1,793, Reputation: 305
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    #10

    Sep 13, 2007, 07:42 AM
    How old are you?
    hpallister's Avatar
    hpallister Posts: 39, Reputation: 5
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    #11

    Sep 13, 2007, 07:48 AM
    24, nearly 25. He is 26.
    Ash123's Avatar
    Ash123 Posts: 1,793, Reputation: 305
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    #12

    Sep 13, 2007, 09:02 AM
    I would give it a little time. If you are sure... try again.

    But make it clear how you have changed and be honest with yourself...
    Do you really want him and what he likes... or just a friend and less compromise.
    If a friend, that can happen LATER... Not now.
    If more than a friend, then ask him to lunch to discuss things.
    hpallister's Avatar
    hpallister Posts: 39, Reputation: 5
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    #13

    Sep 13, 2007, 09:21 AM
    Oh definitely more than a friend, we have (or had, maybe) a really deep love for each other and he's a gorgeous person. He just is so insecure and used to get quite jealous unnecessarily, mainly out of fear rather than possesiveness. Living together was amazing, despite my stupid mistakes and his insecurities.

    He loved me so totally and genuinely and only a couple of months ago we were planning our lives together... can he have fallen out of love with me that quickly?
    Ash123's Avatar
    Ash123 Posts: 1,793, Reputation: 305
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    #14

    Sep 13, 2007, 09:41 AM
    It's about you... not him. If you get back together you have to want to compromise -
    And he will have to as well.

    Can you REALLLY spend a life with his insecurities??

    Can you? Do you want to? Were they valid or not?
    Or was it just his attention to you that you miss?

    Do you want to date other people?
    Chery's Avatar
    Chery Posts: 3,666, Reputation: 698
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    #15

    Sep 13, 2007, 10:52 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by hpallister
    and when we first moved in together
    I went out a lot, mainly in an effort to retain my own identity.
    I did daft things like not invite him out,
    meet up with male friends,
    get drunk and then expect him to pick me up late at night.
    I was insensitive and inconsiderate basically.

    I however was having a rough time with work and got a Facebook as a distraction, to email old (female) schoolfriends. He found out and this has greatly upset him, because of my secrecy and the fact that I went ahead and did something when I knew might hurt him. He no longer trusts me, and is seeing the whole relationship in a negative light.
    Just a little reminder of all his insecurities.. when did you have the time to be 'amazing' together?

    Let's face it, it was all about you then, and probably still is now. So, take the time you have to yourself and work on a few things. If you want someone in your life, you must be willing to reach out and share.

    When you were stressed, you should have shared this with him and given him the opportunity to comfort you, instead of seeking comfort elsewhere.

    It's time to stop seeking distractions and start learning about the real you.

    Good luck, and keep us updated on your therapy.

    hpallister's Avatar
    hpallister Posts: 39, Reputation: 5
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    #16

    Sep 14, 2007, 01:11 AM
    I know what you mean, you both make really valid points. I guess I am only looking at it from my perspective, although day by day I see more from his. The amazing times were when we'd laugh, we went away together to lots of great places and always had loads of fun, we were just at peace with each other if you know what I mean. His insecurities always seemed to come at a time when he was doubting himself, i.e. with jobs etc. He has had a hell of a lot of upheaval this year. I guess now I need to be a friend to him and understand where he's coming from, without any hidden agenda or selfish wants. I just hope for the best.
    hpallister's Avatar
    hpallister Posts: 39, Reputation: 5
    Junior Member
     
    #17

    Sep 16, 2007, 07:05 AM
    How do I handle my next conversation with my ex?
    Hi, hope someone can help me, below is a quote from a previous post I made about a week ago...
    [QUOTE=hpallister]I have been been with my boyfriend for a little over two years and have been living with him for a year, and when we first moved in together I went out a lot, mainly in an effort to retain my own identity. On a few occasions I did daft things like not invite him out, meet up with male friends, get drunk and then expect him to pick me up late at night. I was insensitive and inconsiderate basically. He also had worries about the fact I had a myspace, and so I got rid of it. Over the last 6 months or so I have not been out nearly as much, and have made a real effort to consider him and make him part of my social life. We were solid, had a great time together and were planning our futures. It was a real bond. I however was having a rough time with work and got a Facebook as a distraction, to email old (female) schoolfriends. He found out and this has greatly upset him, because of my secrecy and the fact that I did something when I knew might hurt him. He no longer trusts me, and is seeing the whole relationship in a negative light.
    About a month ago he split up with me because of this, saying that the face book thing had made him question what he was 'getting out of the relationship' and why he put up with those inconsiderate actions. I shoud stress that he is a very sensitive, considerate and kind person and isn't controlling, he just rightly believes in 'do as you would be done by'.

    Today he texted me saying he would be moving his stuff out of our flat, where he's been staying in the month since our breakup, this week (which he had said he would do last week) and would I like to meet on Friday to sort everything (rent, etc I presume) out. Things is, I'm not sure how to behave- should I leave the subject of the relationship completely alone or should I address the issues I'm currently talking through with my therapist? He seems to be trying to ween himself off me- I sometimes feel as though he's putting the good side of our relationship out of his mind on purpose if you know what I mean? :confused: He very much seems on the defensive. I don't really know how to handle this for the best? Any advice would be gratefully received...
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
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    #18

    Sep 16, 2007, 07:41 AM
    It sounds like he's pretty much made up his mind that it's over. I'd just let him come, get his belongings and tend to business. Don't mention the relationship or discuss any personal business. Let sleeping dogs lie, as they say.
    Dennis777's Avatar
    Dennis777 Posts: 478, Reputation: 124
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    #19

    Sep 16, 2007, 07:54 AM
    Hello.

    Be nice to him but don't be overly nice. In other words no SEX... If there is a chance for a new start with him it will have to be after you both have time to relax and work through all the past problems. This is the time to show him your strong and will make it without him in your life. You will feel much better about yourself if you do. Remember he is going to be scared also so don't be surprised if he acts like a jerk because that might be the way he is hiding his feelings. If he is nice then be nice back, if he is a jerk then show him the door but don't fight with him, your better then that.

    Dennis777
    hpallister's Avatar
    hpallister Posts: 39, Reputation: 5
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    #20

    Sep 17, 2007, 02:12 AM
    There's this massive part of me though that wants to put my side of the story across, hoping that he can see the reason's why I did things from my perspective. I know that's kind of selfish but I feel he's being a bit single minded - i.e. he's not looking at the bigger picture... Would this be stupid at this point in time?

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