So, I was deeply in love with my now EX boyfriend. In a nutshell- he began to be dishonest and he accidentally indicated that he has cheated on me. SHOCK, HORROR.
I split up with him about 4 days ago: I'm so sad. To bring you up to date- he recently began messaging a girl (through facebook) that he had met at a party. He suspects her of feeling his bum, she was flirting and they had pictures taken together (cheek to cheek). Messages exchanged included her saying "you should take me out- i want an attractive guy on my arm" and him replying that she's hot, and that he would take the compliment before she notices she sent the compliment to the wrong person (it was intended for him of course). Hes a student director of film, she's a student actress- they met up to talk about a short movie that he asserted it would be "great" if she was in (some time after the party). I asked if I could attend their meeting about the film, he strongly advised me not to because it's a "professional" meeting (the flirting messages I discovered later suggest otherwise). I found their messages from Facebook around a week ago and was distraught when I read them, I was very much aware that they were communicating through texting but I thought it was strictly on the topic of films and arrangements. I said to him that I would be upset if I found out that he was messaging her more through social networking sites- I asked him directly if he was prior to my new found knowledge and he said "no".
My ex had always had secret communications over the net with other girls (there are about 3 other occasions/girls). He would say that he could not tell me about these contacts because he was scared of how I would react to the fact that these new friends were female (he thinks I'm over the top and paranoid). When I eventually discover the secret exchanges he will say "its not like i lied to you, i just avoided telling you".
The icing on the cake though is another incident involving another female. We were chatting on msn the other day and he said that if we were to ever sort out our problems (before the split)- I had to forget about what "happened" with one of his other friends. Where as I did not know anything had "happened" with one of his friends! I certainly suspected it- he arrived late home one night, saying that he had stayed at his flat to have a shower and at the last minute he figured that his shoes were locked in the flat next door (where his mates live including the girl). He arrived at mine eventually- we were talking and he slipped up and said I "need a shower", I replied- "I thought you had one?". He had such a guilty look on his face. I preceded to question his story because it turned out to be false- and he said that by doing this I was suggesting that he had sex with his friend. He maintained that nothing went on between him and his friend- he insisted upon it for months.
Since the msn convoversation though I'm questioning is this accidential proof finally that he has cheated because of his use of terms? i.e. "happened" with his friend rather than describing the time he was late a i.e. mentioning the shower and trainers because to my knowledge it was simply that?

All I know is; this has caused me to feel so bad about myself. I had low self esteem before I met him and he promised to support me. I feel like I wasn't enough, and perhaps it was my fault...

Do you think I can finally be confident that he has cheated?

He has caused you to feel sadness and lonliness. Feeling bad about yourself was before you met him. I say that because...

Your low self esteem is not the same as the recent sadness and lonliness you are feeling because of the break up. All can be cured but you have to separate which emotions are which. The sadness and lonilness will go with time. The self esteem will come with time and working on it through retraining your brain to think better about yourself. The more work you put in that regard the less likely you will be to wind up with another guy like this.


I'm going to agree. You could never be enough for a cheater because a cheater can't trust themselves to make a good decision for a relationship so you shouldn't trust one. It's your fault in the sense that you recognize you have low self esteem and then let some guy control you in hopes that giving away yourself is going to make you whole. You can't find happiness in someone else if you can't find it in yourself first. It's not a curse you have to be stuck with either, it's just a brain conditioning you can change with exercises and time. Do that for yourself and you won't need a cheater to make you happy.

I think you should just be confident. Has he cheated? Probably. Is your destiny, life and overall confidence tied to what he does? Not at all. I think your problems are in many ways self created. Don't get me wrong, he's a low life. But you said you told him you had low self esteem and he would take care of you. Even if he had the best intentions to take care of you, he can't give you self esteem. You give that to yourself and you never have to give it to anyone. I know the hurt of the break up causes sadness but yourself esteem can ride that through. Pain is temporary. Self esteem issues need to be constantly worked on no matter who is in your life.