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shewolf1985 · Dec 20, 2009, 08:32 PM

I am close friends with several of the guys that I work with. We joke around, give each other a hard time, and jokingly insult each other constantly. I have never been offended by this or gotten my feelings hurt. Recently (the past two months) I started dating one of my friends from work. Everything seems to be going well so far. The problem is that now when my new boyfriend jokes with me like we always have, (teasing, play fighting, giving each other a hard time, pretending to be mad/lecturing) it hurts my feelings. I don't understand why all of a sudden I have become more sensitive about this as it did not bother me at all, and I always laughed and did the same thing back to him when we were only friends. I think that this is because I dated a guy in the past that didn't treat me very well. He would say critical things to me and then after the fact say "I'm just joking" or talk to me harshly and blame me for everything. How can I not let this affect my new relationship?

talaniman · Dec 20, 2009, 08:46 PM

There is a difference between a friend, and a partner in a relationship, and I suspect you have some baggage from the past to unpack.

If you can't let go of the past, you are not ready for the future, and will be miserable in the present.

Those are old feelings you have, they just need to be dealt with. One way is don't take it personally, nor let feelings make you over react. Think before you act, or speak, and maybe a word to your new guy, that you have this issue, but are working through it. Then he can understand, and support you.

friend4u178 · Dec 20, 2009, 08:47 PM

It's called communication!!

Talk to him and discuss how it makes you feel , only the 2 of you can work it out. Then you decide whether you can put up with the outcome.

bidingmytime · Dec 20, 2009, 08:49 PM

I think the best thing to do in this situation is just to tell him how you feel about it. If the relationship is going anywhere you two need to talk. I bet he just doesn't know you feel that way. If you talk to him and he still continues to treat you in a way that makes you feel bad, it might be better to just go back to being friends. If you don't talk to him at all about it, it's just going to build up inside you and make you unhappy.

ohsohappy · Dec 20, 2009, 08:50 PM

It's you.

emopunk7 · Dec 20, 2009, 08:52 PM

TMan's advice is spot on. Let the past be the past and don't let fear take over. This a new guy. Keep having fun and don't get too serious. Let him know to take the playing down a notch but don't make a big deal. Good luck with the two of you!!

ohsohappy · Dec 20, 2009, 10:08 PM

emopunk7 disagrees: What is this? She needs advice not blame.

REALLY?

This was the question...

is it my issues or him?

This was my answer.

It's you.

Pretty sure I wasn't blaming her for anything, just answering straight and to the point.
You can say a lot by what you don't say too.

If I were to give reddies every time someone had an answer I didn't understand or agree with something, you wouldn't like me very much. Be careful how you distribute those, it won't make you popular.

emopunk7 · Dec 20, 2009, 11:13 PM

You are right ohsohappy... That is my fault. Sorry about that. I guess I am still learning. I was still bitter towards you for telling me a while ago that you wouldn't date me either for the way I acted. Aghhhh!

amicon · Dec 21, 2009, 01:37 AM

Dealing with your past issues and having a straightforward honest communication with your boyfriend should sort it out.

ohsohappy · Dec 21, 2009, 08:50 AM

Originally Posted by emopunk7

You are right ohsohappy...That is my fault. Sorry about that. I guess I am still learning. I was still bitter towards you for telling me a while ago that you wouldn't date me either for the way I acted. Aghhhh!

That may be true, but you don't use that s a reason to keep it going either.. .

slapshot_oi · Dec 21, 2009, 09:08 AM

I would guess that he doesn't know how else to kid around with you because teasing is how he hooked you in the first place, and by doing that you gave him the green light to continue. It can be kind of hard to switch your game from the funny jerk to a sincere boyfriend, you know? It's easier for some guys than others.

Obviously, tell him how you feel and give it time to see how he deals with it.