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Confused300 · Jul 31, 2012, 01:04 PM

Dear all

I am engaged to marry a man who I felt was perfect for me and I had every possible thing in common with.

We both have things about the other which we find irritating i.e. I am always running late and he cannot give compliments.

We attended a friends wedding 2 weeks ago. Complimented him several times whilst we were getting ready for the party hoping to get a similar comment back but he simply thanked me. I sulked for a bit and then told him that I would like for him to try saying nice things more as he easily gives critism so a balance would be nice. He explained that he was not used to receiving or giving compliments but that he would try.

Later at the wedding he complimented to other women quite easily and I got rather upset (I had explained that my insecurity in this regard stemmed from my mother always being criticising of me and that I was particularly sensitive and he agreed to try skittle more.

Anyway I sulked for most of the evening about this and I refused to speak with him for the most part. For one reason or another he thought that I wished to break our engagement and asked if I was breaking up with Hom and I didn't saying anything. He broke down and started crying and begging me to not leave him (?? ) at which point I was so surprised and I hastily assured him that this wasn't the case.

I thought that we had made up at that point. But he has since been very insecure. He lives in Germany and I in the uk. He has started plans to move the uk. Since this argument he cries all the time and says that he feels I can leave him at any point. I have assured him time and time again that this isn't true and that I would never do do. He says that my treatment of him was designed to torture him and that he doesn't know of he can love me in the same way again. He says that he still wants to get married and that he wants tO be together and that he wants me to promise that I will never leave him but that he is unable to make and promises to me anymore. He says that he still wants to find a flat together in the uk and still lives me and wants to be with me and without me he will die blah blah blah but at the same time he says that he has constant anxiety abused by a fear that he will stop loving me.

I'm really upset by all of this. Firstly I'm upset that he feels he can ask that I promise myself to him entirely and constantly reassure him that I will never leave him but offer me nothing back and just say that he may stop loving me.

Secondly that he is suddenly so insecure but without any substance behind the reasons He has given to become like this

And thirdly because he is saying he still wants to stay together, he wants a wedding he loves me but that he cannot promise that his love will not fade.

I feel in ways that he is genuine and that his insecurities are playing with him. His father died when he was young and his mother was extremely stern and unaffectionate. He claims to have never opened up to anyone before me and therefore he feels vulnerable with me that I can abuse and break him. I can understand that he needs reassurances.

However if this is true - how do I manage this behaviour? I am happy to help him but I can't be just with him all the time and not socialise, see my family and friends or go to the gym without him getting upset. I don't want to change the way I am to make him comfortable. How do I say no to such indirect requests without making him more insecure?

If on the other hand, he is trying to manipulate or punish me - how do I deal with that?

He is very successful in his career and is well liked by people. He is handsome and well built and well dressed and with a lovely personality when he is relaxed.

Why is he so different when this insecurity rears its head?

Sorry for the lengthy muddled story but it's the first time I've spoken to someone about it and I still feel confused

Thanks for any advice you can give

Kind regards

C

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