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PureMaddness · Mar 10, 2010, 10:57 PM

My mom almost died a few years back from encephilitus, for those of you who don't know what that is its swelling of the brain. She isn't the same anymore, she's constantly angry, or bipolar, its so hard to talk to her. She goes to a specialty neurologist for it now, and she also has seizures in her brain. I'm the one that takes care of her, and I don't mind, I love my mom to death, she means the world to me.

But now I'm in love with a great guy who wants to be here for me, and spend his life with me, and the feelings are mutual, he also means the world to me. We've been together off and on for about five months, and he's been on the sidelines and I hate doing that to him, but my mom hates him. He messed up once, accidentally gave me a hickey which was easily covered by makeup. But I told her about it, I now regret telling her.

Since then she's dispised him. I love him, and I love her, they're tearing me every way. She says he's controlling, he says she is. Type thing. Which is true, my mom is controlling. But since she got sick she's never been the same. How do I be a good daughter and live my own life with this wonderful guy? Please, someone help me? I'm desperate.

talaniman · Mar 11, 2010, 07:14 PM

I don't think you have a lot of choice, but to hope the guy is man enough to understand your obligations, and support your actions through this hard time your going through. If he doesn't family comes before a 5 month relationship. It would help give you time if you were not the only care giver, but I think its smart to keep your social life, and your family life separate from each other.

It's a delicate balance I know, but sometimes we have to endure the rather harsh criticism of an ailing parent, and not take it personally, because its NOT aimed at you intentionally. That doesn't make it hurt less I know.

Larken85 · Mar 11, 2010, 07:27 PM

I disagree talaniman. While family is important to put first, I personally know about this. My sister has cp. (physical handicap only) She is completely dependent upon others including myself. I for a long time felt souly responsible for her but when I started to have a personal life again I noticed that if I didn't find a balance that I would surely never be happy myself. Self sacrifice is not a great thing. I suggest finding a way to keep both in your life yes, but first and fore most I suggest having your personal life up front. All of the personal life. Not just a 5 month relationship that seems to be on the fritz every so often (probably due to the conflict) but you have to have friends and time for yourself. You must have your own life and not devote it completely to another person even if that person is your own sick mother. Doesn't mean not to care for her, it just means that I suggest making sure not to let your personal life suffer greatly because of it. I don't mean to say that family is not as important as friends but it is most important to be happy with your life. Whatever you choose make sure it is the choice that you want and that you think will MAKE YOU HAPPY.

talaniman · Mar 11, 2010, 08:11 PM

How do I be a good daughter and live my own life with this wonderful guy?

Not suggesting she doesn't deserve her own space, but you still have to balance that with responsibility. Ideally some help, even a private nurse can help, I don't know the specifics, but do know options have to be explored, and also know that her decisions, and they way she handles this is what counts.

We can parse words, but I doubt she wants to stop her responsibilities, just for a guy that may not be as understanding as he could be.

I to have been through this, as the guy though, and know full well, she needs support from him, because as she stated the mom is not in full control and may not be cognizant of her actions.

Its really hard looking after an infirmed relative alone.