Hello I'm a gay guy in his late 20's and I'm in love with a guy called Danny Miller who stars in Emmerdale. I've been in love with him for 8 years and I just can't stop thinking about him. I can't wait to go to sleep every night so I can fantasize and dream about us being together. I have over 300,000 followers on twitter and I tweet/dm him all the time he follows me and sometimes replies and I feel like we have a connection but I know deep down we don't. I find myself messaging him anything just to try to get a response but I don't want to get to a point where he blocks me. My bedroom is full of his posters. I have mouse pads, picture folders, dvd's of his scenes etc and I know I sound crazy, pathetic and sad but I can't help it. He gave me the courage to come out to my family and even though my family knows I love him but they don't know I'm at a point where I feel physically sick when I think of him and I cry near enough every day because I can't be with him. He's straight and I'm gay but I keep thinking maybe if we met (which we have once and he gave me a kiss on the cheek) he would like me and we'd fall in love ahhhh I know that sounds crazy. I want to know what I could do. I'm 29, living with my mum and I've never had a boyfriend maybe that's a part of it? It's getting harder and harder each day. Thank you

I'm straight but the same rules apply...

#1. Get real about expectations... He's a celebrity, you aren't. 99.9999% of the time that alone screams. Forget it.

#2. Open you eyes wider to the people around you... you aren't going to find them if you aren't seriously open to finding them.

And with your fixation on the unachievable. Even if he WAS gay... the fact he's not even pushes it further out of reach, so there is no possible way you could see an available person right in front of you waving a sign saying so.

Liking a celebrity a lot... fine... not unusual or abnormal, but the minute you start obsessing then a line was crossed.

He's straight and I'm gay but I keep thinking maybe if we met (which we have once and he gave me a kiss on the cheek) he would like me and we'd fall in love ahhhh I know that sounds crazy.---Yes you are correct


I'm 29, living with my mum and--- you need to get a real life, not fantasy.

I'm sure there are plenty of gay clubs right around you.

You need a jolt of therapy, maybe 3 sessions, unless there's something deep in your childhood. In fact I'd guess it's not so deep, unless there was death in your immediate family, or your mother didn't handle other losses well.
Your mother has turned you into the man about the house, even if she isn't aware of it. And you, as a result, look for Unattainable Love, so that you can keep her happy.
Now that has a bit of online pop psychology to it, especially because I don't know you at all, and you spent most of your time writing about HIM instead of YOU, but I'll bet there's some truth to it. Do you disagree?

My solution would be to get a job if you don't have one, and start now looking for one or 2 roommates to share an apartment in 6 months. Concentrate on what the finances would look like, as well as a list of little rules for people to get along. When you sleep, what music, how clean or messy you are, no lover guests, smoking cigarettes, on and on.

A crush should have gone away on it's own 7 years ago... you need to identify why it didn't, and then replace it. You can even ask him for help. The strength is knowing that it's the mature thing to do, and that you will conquer a big fear (giving up an impossible situation).

Thank you for the reply joypulv my dad actually died 5 years before (when I was 16) I ever saw the actor and my sister was killed 5 years later (the same sort of time I started having these feelings for him) but I didn't think anything like that because I had those feelings as soon as I saw the actor. It's just me and my mum. My 2 older sisters have moved away. I defo do want to get independence and move out and get a life on my own. I do know that what I want isn't going to happen. I just want him more than anything. I know that sounds really pathetic lol

I'm very sorry about your dad AND your sister! It makes a lot of sense that you hang onto a crush. It's safe. It can't be ruined (unless he dies). You can daydream about him in your room, and not abandon your mother. It would be tempting to blame her for hanging on to you, but she's suffering too. It would be nice if you each could have a little therapy. It's possible to handle this yourself, but it's going to be work.
Try not to think of yourself as pathetic. You are practicing a kind of survival. It's like people who have been through trauma when younger than you start having multiple personalities - they protect them, in a way. Your crush protects you from hurt. The only trouble is, that that works only a short time, and you have gone waaay over the usual time.

I wouldn't go to gay bars just yet. See if you can find a bereavement group. Talking about the two deaths will be the beginning of moving past the crush. Be sure to talk about all of it. It all goes together. Does the big picture make sense to you?

Oh, and you don't mention a job, so what do you do all day? Being busy (out in the world, not in your room) is absolutely vital to solving this.

This is past good, past normal. This is obsession and you should consider professional help.

Seriously guy, get some help for your very unhealthy obsession.

1. thanks joypulv i can start to understand maybe but in a weird way i don't wanna try to get over the guy cos atm he's the only thing that's keeping me happy. jobwise after i finished uni 2 years ago I've been unemployed and i'm waiting to seek hospital treatment right now as the last 4 months I've been suffering with back pain and i can't stand for very long so I've not been leaving the house that much. Maybe i feel like this cos i have a lot of free time. when i was at uni and at my part time jobs i still thought about him all the time but not so emotionally and bad as when i'm not doing anything.

I do understand why you cling to your fantasy. I also understand your mixed feelings about wanting to stop. You did start here with 'I want to know what I could do. I'm 29, living with my mum and I've never had a boyfriend maybe that's a part of it? It's getting harder and harder each day.'

What exactly do you mean by 'waiting to seek' treatment? Waiting because you were seen, and told you have to wait, or waiting because you just can't get motivated to get out?

You have far too much going on to handle yourself. What country are you in? England? Do you have access to short term therapy?

There are support groups everywhere. Call around. Mental health clinics, churches, community centers. Look online locally and call too.
A group might be for young gays. I still think a bereavement group would be first, but maybe both. There are no rules.

I looked up Danny Miller, unknown to us in the US. A handsome man in a gay soap. I notice he keeps his personal life VERY much off the internet. I hesitate to comment about him at all, because I'll bet you'd love to keep talking about him. You need to talk about yourself.

And yes, never having had a boyfriend is part of this. It's just that you might not be able to handle having a boyfriend yet. A male gay FRIEND, yes, would help a lot! Find that group!

"he's the only thing that's keeping me happy."

That is not a good statement on so many levels. First off, it's a fantasy that isn't real, will never become real, and it's not healthy. You need to find things in your life that make you happy and they need to be real. Indulging in a fantasy world leaves you dissatisfied with your real life, which is what you have created.

I totally agree with Joy in that a male gay friend or support group would allow you to start making friends with people just like you.

You also sound like you have way too much time on your hands. At 29 you should be focused on your career, friends, family, love interests, continuing education, anything that keeps your mind on whatever real goals you should want for yourself.

1. joypulv

I'm waiting to go for a scan on the 9th of March from the hospital. Yes I'm from England. He's the most handsome man in the world and Yes I could talk about him all day lol. My life really isn't interesting to be honest esp lately. I've looked up a local counselling service which deals with bereavement and issues like that. I'll think about giving them a call and the thing about not having a boyfriend. The thing is whenever I've kissed someone (which hasn't been since I left uni) I just think of him and when I look at guys who I think are good looking I just think of Danny and think that they don't compare to him.

That's why I said friend, not boyfriend...
Keep working on getting out of the house. I have chronic back pain but I'm 70. My best friend is usually a heating pad, sad to say.

I wonder something... a loaded question, perhaps, but I'm going to ask it anyway... do you ever have guilt about your father's death, anything to do with how you acted as a teen, anything to do with being gay? Do you wonder what he would have said and done? Most of us carry some amount of guilt about death. It just means you care and love. What I'm getting at is what the basis of your obsession with Danny Miller is. He's straight. He's unavailable every which way from Sunday. You know on every level but one that you are never going to be in a relationship with him. Your mother has replaced her husband with you, her son. Why not replace your father with Danny? No, not warped or twisted or sick at all, even if your fantasies are as lovers. We all do everything we do for weird reasons. Maybe just more pop psych, because analysis isn't what you need. Behavioral changes are. Get out there. Find that FRIEND. Heck, I had a gay teenager help me work on my dad's house 7 years ago, and he was always stopping by with female friends. I never saw him with a male friend. Girls LOVE gay guys, of course - they are safe. The friend or friends you make don't need to be just male or female, or just gay or straight.

1. joypulv weird that you say that about my dad. we didn't have any kind of relationship. we never did anything together at all. he was the kind of guy that i don't think would have been ok with it and my family said they knew about my sexuality all the time but never mentioned if my dad knew. this is getting a bit deep now but over the last 3 - 4 years stuff about my childhood keeps on coming back to me and there were times when i THINK he sexually abused me, when my mum was at work at night. This is the first time I've ever mentioned it as nothing can be done now.

How did he die? How did your sister die?
No nothing can be done, but it's affecting your ability to live.

1. joypulv

My dad died of a brain tumour when I was 16 and when I was 22 my sister was strangled by her husband and then killed himself

It all sounds like a soap opera. Ordinarily I might squint at it and wonder if it's true. But I have a gut feeling it is.
You may be screwed up, but you basically have a solid base. You don't need mental illness counseling, but I think you need mental health counseling. You need help helping yourself, sorting it all out, getting on a path that has a future. That's why I thought of 3 sessions. And 1 or 2 groups, self-help groups even, or groups run by an unlicensed facilitator. Many of the best ones aren't licensed. That for insurance purposes.

Let us know how the steps go today, tomorrow, over the next weeks, OK?
(BTW congratulations for keeping a lid on talking about HIM, LOL. This is about YOU for now.)

1. joypulv

I promise, it's all true. I would never lie about anything as serious as this. Hopefully coming on here is the first step and as I know that what I want more then anything will never actually come true is a sign I'm not a lost cause, well hopefully. Yeah I'll update on here. It's just scary because 50% of me doesn't want to let these feelings go but I know if I want any kind of life I have to. Thanks for all the advice. I've talked more about this is 24 hours then the last 8 years.

Good! I don't get out much. But I've been around the block a time or two. Talk away all you want. Did you have a best friend when you were younger?

Yeah his name was phillip but after school we kind of went our separate ways, just like all my school mates. When I went to college I always had mates but it never progressed outside .