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jen.veve · Jan 6, 2006, 09:42 PM

My boyfriend who the first 2 years of our relationship treated me bad and lied to me however the last year and 1/2 we have been growing and he has been great however I have a hard time forgeting the past pain and am very overprotective always want to know where he is going... ect. And sometimes freak out more than I know I should about certain things. It's really difficult but, if I don't figure out how to let go of my mistrust we will have a really unhealthy relationship

jeffatl · Jan 6, 2006, 11:51 PM

Well, this guy has a lot of "trust-earning' to do. Don't feel bad for your feelings. It is totally possible for people to change, but you have to let them make that change. If you are serious about this guy, I would let him know what you are going through, if he cares he will respect that. When someone breaks your trust it is completely natural to be weary of them and their actions. I would just sit down with him, tell him how much you care about him, and tell him that you are trying to trust him again. For things to move foreword, you have to stop living in the past or you are just wasting time. Be honest with him, and yourself. 2nd chances are never expected, but most of the time appreciated. If he appreciates it, he will change and stop being a dummy. Good luck!

fredg · Jan 7, 2006, 05:50 AM

Hi,
Another gave a very good answer before mine!
If it has been a much better relationship in the last 1 1/2 years, then he is doing everything you want him to do... getting better.
As you said, not being able to forget the past is the problem. Many can't forget it, some can just put it away, and others can get it out of their mind to the point that they begin to trust someone again.
It's hard to say how do forget it, only time will tell if you can.
If you can't, then start looking for someone, meeting new people. You don't want this "hanging" over your head for the next many years.
I do wish you the best, and hope it all turns out OK.

PrettyLady · Jan 8, 2006, 10:45 PM

Jen.veve, you need to let go of the past and learn to trust your boyfriend. Your jealousy and overprotectiveness could really drive him away. What is important is that you start trusting him again, the longer you go with these questions in the back of your mind thinking what he might be up to the more destructive it will be. If your sure that things have been great now then you need to relax. There's a fine line between wanting to be with someone, and trying to control their every move. Go out and get some interests of your own to take your mind off your jealous thoughts.

nymphetamine · Jan 8, 2006, 11:26 PM

He must have really done something bad. I know how that is. I went for the longest time not being able to trust my ex husband ( I found I was right not to). He had admitted to cheating on me and thought all he had to do was say sorry. Well I felt like someone snatched a rug out from under my feet and crankies whole perfect world smacked her in the face. But he continued to hang out with the girl he slept with and didn't come home some nights and sometimes he "spent the night" at his ex girfriends house. SO of course I couldn't trust him. What I'm trying to say really I guess is unless he is giving you reason to believe he's still lying. You didn't exactly say what the lying was about. Two years of being lied to and mistreated can make it hard on you. If he is not working to get your trust back then you have good reason not to trust him but like you say things are better so give him a chance. I understand though cause it ate me up inside to constantly think something was going on.

nwsflash · Jan 9, 2006, 02:16 PM

I guess if you can answer YES that you love this guy as real love with all your heart and soul, and he loves you as real love then you need to lay the past to the past and move forwards together. You both need to be very strong for this and never look back.

But if you feel that there is no trust and your love is not the way it should be for him, then I'm sorry to say you have got to let him fly, and you need to fly away from him and move on with your life apart... If you can not get over what has gone on between you and him, then you are never going to have faith in him or him in you and all that will happen is that you will both end up getting hurt and things may even go back to the bad old days. Because you will both be hurting.

I always say "memorys don't live like people do, but they will always follow you, good or bad"!

Have you both looked into maybe seeking some help from support groups?

letmeno · Jan 9, 2006, 05:37 PM

Been where you are, and done it too. I agree, he does have some trust earning to do. But are you even allowing him to do it? Yes, he has done some awful things in the beginning of your relationship yet, you chose to stay with him in spite of his misdeeds. I suggest that you two need to have a deep heart to heart talk. Let him know about your insecurities, and exactly why it is that you are so insecure. Let him know that you are indeed in love with him and that you want to make it work. Trust me and believe me if you don't talk to him and let him know what is going on with you, and do your best to work on it and come to some type of agreement. You are going to run him off.

s_cianci · Jan 9, 2006, 07:33 PM

Evidently your trust was violated and it's now going to be very difficult to get it back. Do you now feel that he is worthy of your trust? Has he truly changed? If so, then the best thing for you to do is to make up your mind to forgive him for his past wrongdoings. If you can do this, you should find that you don't need to feel so jealous and possessive. If, however, you feel that you still can't trust him and always have to be checking up on him, then you may want to rethink this relationship before it goes any further.

hpink2006 · Feb 15, 2006, 06:06 PM

You need to think if he is really worth you being so hurt all the time... and if he is you need to sit down with him and tell him how you feel and get it all out there u have a right to be that way.

blueiman · Feb 16, 2006, 02:50 PM

So why did you stay with him when he was very bad. Why wait. Now he is nice. For how long. He already showed you his true colors. What has change that is so good? Sorry but you need more time alone. Take a break. And move on. Or take a chance and maybe all will be fine. I don't know and you don't either. So, its 50/50 chance so what are you going to do? Toss a dime? There are a lot! Of nice people out here... make the best decition you can right now. And stop worrying about the past and future. OK?