Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    AA2008's Avatar
    AA2008 Posts: 17, Reputation: 1
    -
     
    #1

    Jun 28, 2008, 11:29 AM
    Im a dumb man who wants her back
    Hello, I love the honesty given on the site so I thought id post up my problem. My girlfriend and I have been together for the best part of 3 years and of course I took her for granted. She warns me a few times that the relationship is all about me but I don't see where she's coming from (until now that is) She broke up with me about 2 months ago. Things came to a head when I kissed another girl when I was at a party, she finds out and boom she's gone! I chase her as I'm deverstated (I know selfish right?) I explain myself and my appalling actions 10x over, she's not having any of it. I keep spilling my heart out to this girl, but she's just so cold. Whenever I tried to fix things she said it was over. I finally find some pride and back off (a week or so passes) she calls.. she doesn't sound happy, she says that she's heard I'm heading of to this party weekend event (me and my friends do this every couple of months) and that a girl (who my ex has always thought likes me) is coming along, I confirm this. She goes completely PHYSCO on me telling me if she ever sees her she's going to rip her hair out etc at this point I'm dumbfounded. She tells me that if I go along to the event she'll never get back with me, I tell her I thought it was over? She then gives me the choice of going to the event or waiting for her. Of course I choose her. Things just don't seem to be going anywhere since. I contact her every 3 or 4 days and her anger doesn't seem to be taking a back sit. The other day I told her to tell me that she didn't love me anymore and that id leave her alone if she said it.. she couldn't say it and just got mad and then hung up. Im going on holiday tomorrow for 2 weeks and I just feel so guilty.. I love this girl and I guess its taken all of this for me to realise what she actually means to me. What can I do?
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,825, Reputation: 2035
    Uber Member
     
    #2

    Jun 28, 2008, 11:39 AM
    Sounds like she is testing you to see if you really do not go to the party.
    I would skip the party IF you really want her back.
    IF she still doesn't seem like things are going anywhere and she is still angry and holding it against you then tell her forget her if she can't get over it and make an honest effort to make it work.
    victoria_mitchell's Avatar
    victoria_mitchell Posts: 242, Reputation: 32
    Full Member
     
    #3

    Jun 28, 2008, 01:40 PM
    She probably loves you very much still but she is torn inside because of your inappropriate acts when you were together. You obviously aren't totally in love with her anyway because you are calling her PHYSCO<---- let me tell you that she is far from it. If my guy did that to me there would be no "I'll do this or that to that girl." I would use every sorce I had to hunt her down and make her pay. That's not PHYSCO that's love that's protecting what's your and making a stand against what you know was/is wrong.

    Honestly I think that you are doomed to get back with her. Only time will tell and until that time comes sadly you are left to ride in the back seat but you did do something to deserve that.
    AA2008's Avatar
    AA2008 Posts: 17, Reputation: 1
    -
     
    #4

    Jun 28, 2008, 01:49 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by victoria_mitchell
    You obviously aren't totally in love with her anyway because you are calling her PHYSCO
    I was calling her behaviour psychotic. She's not an aggressive person.. well not until all of this kicked off.


    Honestly I think that you are doomed to get back with her. Only time will tell and until that time comes sadly you are left to ride in the back seat but you did do something to deserve that.
    Yes I'm fully aware that I deserve this. Whatever happens it'll be on her terms.. I just want to make things right.
    victoria_mitchell's Avatar
    victoria_mitchell Posts: 242, Reputation: 32
    Full Member
     
    #5

    Jun 28, 2008, 01:58 PM
    You an't ever make things right unless you can go back in time all you can "make right" is how you respond to her now which should be with care. Tell her that you don't want to wait around for her but that you love her and your seorry and you understand and commend her if she decides to move on
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,863, Reputation: 10852
    Expert
     
    #6

    Jun 28, 2008, 02:12 PM
    You acted an arse a pizzed her off, and you want her back, then do what it takes to get her, and keep her.
    AA2008's Avatar
    AA2008 Posts: 17, Reputation: 1
    -
     
    #7

    Jun 28, 2008, 02:16 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman
    then do what it takes to get her, and keep her.
    If only I knew how to.
    SingingNun's Avatar
    SingingNun Posts: 32, Reputation: 3
    Junior Member
     
    #8

    Jun 28, 2008, 02:33 PM
    Sometimes what we think we want really isn't what we want or need.

    What it sounds like is that you have some distinct soul searching to do. Do you love her? Not just physically, or that you like to be around her, or that you've been together so long that you don't know what to do without her. But honestly and truly love her.

    Because of your actions it sounds like you don't. You kissed another woman which is an expressly physical and intimate act. You somehow forgot about her or just didn't care at that time. Love doesn't forget and it can't exist without trust.

    Personally, and this is only from hearing one side of the account she may have a totally different story, she is almost controlling at this strange. Which is in itself a natural tendency. She lost control somewhere along the line, she lost you and what she thought was part of her life, and she is trying to overcome that now. She has her own decisions to make and she also needs to decide whether she loves you and to let you go. She's also hurt and betrayed which will take a long time to be healed if you do get back together.

    Right now, back off. Don't be overwhelming, demanding an answer or expecting you have the right to receive one. You messed up so it's not in your court anymore.

    Instead, do kind things for her, just because. Bring her things, write her a note, call her up just to say hi. When you go on vacation make it a point to contact her and talk to her everyday, so that she knows you are thinking about her. Better yet, when you go on vacation make arrangements to have flowers sent to her during the middle of it so she knows you are thinking of her. Before and after your vacation find things to do for her to make her life easier and less stressful.

    Don't tell her things like "I'm miserable without you" or keep rehashing what happened. You can't take that back now. Instead focus on the now and the future. If she tries to bring up what happened talk civilly about it and admit your fault but don't let either one of you dwell on it for longer then 5 minutes.

    Talk to her and treat her like she is your best friend, above all others. This is what she should be already. It shouldn't be just that you lost a girlfriend or that you lost a great lover, but your closest friend. And you need to be that for her, so that she can learn to trust you again - which is what needs to happen.

    Don't feel guilty about going on vacation. Everyone needs a vacation and it may help you to gain some perspective on the whole situation now. It also sounds like your worst side comes out at parties - it may be best to avoid them. Especially if you think you can't control yourself.

    The one good thing is that you are thinking about her and trying to figure out what to do. You know you have been a complete and you are trying to find out how to rectify this. One important note on the difference between men and women: Women tend to try and heal and sort things out for themselves before continuing. Men jump into new relationships as a way to forget pain. Both go on shopping sprees and can behave recklessly with money (just different items, women may buy clothes and men buy an air compressor on a whim but it's still the same behavior). Watch your actions and engage in self control and make sure to exclude self destructive behaviors of any type including spending money on a whim for some sort of expensive item.

    Also take great care if you decide to start a new relationship and not go back to her. Make sure the woman you are with is someone you care about and want to explore life together with. Not someone who you are using to avoid the pain of what has happened.

    These things take time. You have deeply betrayed her and I would guess that she is trying to figure out if she loves you, what she sees in her, if you love her, if you are going to just hurt her again, if you are still self-centered and if she wants to return to a relationship that may have been painful for her for a long time. Take this last one into consideration. It probably just wasn't this one event but many events that lead up to this point. We learn from our mistakes so look over your past behavior and identify what you did wrong so you won't do it again.

    Good luck to you

    SN
    AA2008's Avatar
    AA2008 Posts: 17, Reputation: 1
    -
     
    #9

    Jun 29, 2008, 10:56 AM
    She's gone from accepting my calls, replying to my texts to just out right ignoring my attempts at communication... it might be useful to add that before I was kind of resentful towards her for walking away and this was met by her complete anger towards me. But this past week I have been seeing things from her side and have been nothing but supportive and nice however now she is just silent.

    Any thoughts?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,863, Reputation: 10852
    Expert
     
    #10

    Jun 29, 2008, 12:25 PM
    She wants to be left alone, then that's what you do, as its time for you to back up, and regroup, and let the emotions. And anger settle down.

    Looks like your on your own for a while buddy, so try and get your act together, for you, not her, because she is gone and your not.
    AA2008's Avatar
    AA2008 Posts: 17, Reputation: 1
    -
     
    #11

    Jun 29, 2008, 01:13 PM
    I was getting on with things nicely.. and then she hits me with that jealous/ crazy episode.
    Sort of feels like I'm stuck in limbo, if I try and move on again I'm sure she'll get her claws back into me somehow... but on the other hand I can't stay like this for much longer - I'm just not this person. It just feels as though she's watching my behaviour and that I can't step a foot wrong in case I upset her again.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,863, Reputation: 10852
    Expert
     
    #12

    Jun 29, 2008, 01:22 PM
    So stop with the guilt tripping, and forgive yourself, and move on. Don't even try walking around on egg shells, for fear of making someone mad. That never works, because if they want to be mad, they will be, whether you give them a reason or not.

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search


Check out some similar questions!

This may seem dumb, but. [ 13 Answers ]

I really feel kind of stupid posting a question like this, but here goes... you don't know me, so who cares right? Lol Well, I've always enjoyed drawing- but I've been doing a lot since I started doing phone work a few years ago. Started just doodling, then got more and more complex- it's...

Dumb while sick [ 6 Answers ]

Why do we feel dumber when we're sick? Maybe it's just me.

Help me I'm dumb [ 1 Answers ]

What are some common uses for calcium carbonate?

I'm dumb... [ 7 Answers ]

Hi there does anyone know the difference between GB and MB when it comes to disk space?

Dumb about men [ 1 Answers ]

What do you think of a first date with a man and both like the date & each other a lot. He calls right away about liked date & wants to go out again. He calls, again but never gets around to when 2nd date? Talks about where to go etc. Confused. Still likes me, etc. Should I give up or what? Should...


View more questions Search