I have really been unexperienced when it comes to intamacy - I have no idea why - I always had a low-self esteem thing going. My friends say that I'm not a bad looking guy, so I really am not sure why I struggled in this department, but the oppurtunity never arrised or I never took enough risks.
Anyway, eventually this woman came along, I knew that we were not compatible, and I wasn't really attracted to her, she really seemed keen on me, so I took what I could get - and now I'm married to her. I knew this was a mistake, but she has been the only woman I have ever kissed in my whole life, but yet cause of my attraction problems with her - I have never been able to enjoy the passion because some part of me is holding back.
I kind of accecpted my fate and buried my feeling, the world seemed like a cruel place. Everwhere I was reminded of people enjoying their passionate moments, getting intimate, its on TV, its in the shopping centres. I feel like I am starving, dying of hunger, but instead of being in a desert where there is no food, I'm in a restaurant watching everybody else eat, while I'm dying of hunger. Why can't I find her attractive.
5 years into the marriage now, and I thought these insecurities would die away, the unattraction for my wife would disappear, and things would get better, but they haven't.
I finally overcame my embarrassment and told her that she's the only woman I have ever kissed, and felt like a big loser; but could not tell her that I am not attracted to her, and all I want is to kiss somebody I find attractive so I can feel passion for once in my life.
Just as I was realising that I will never find passion as long as I'm with her, and the best thing for us both is for me to leave her, she has fallen pregnant...
Now I have a responsibility to be with her, and I feel like I will never know what feeling intimate with a person that I'm attracted to will feel like.
I'm happy that I'm going to be a dad, but I feel dead inside, and have serious worries of what a good father I will be.
I do not want these feeling of kissing another woman, but it seems to be the only way to fulfill my curiosity - how do I turn these feelings off or make them go away?
Howcome some woman will kiss some woman just for experimentation, but I somehow fell through the cracks and seemed to get absolutely nothing.

Hi,
I am sorry to read this, but you haven't mention one important aspect here. Have you gone to seek Professional help? About your feelings and attitudes?
Since you married the only woman you had ever kissed, it does show that you didn't do any "experimenting" with women before; maybe because of "shyness", insecurity, or whatever.
I do suggest you see a Psychologist or even a Psychiatrist, and get help with understanding why you have always felt this way. Five years of marriage can't really be any fun, under your circumstances. I am 64, married 29 yrs now, after being divorced the first time after 7 yrs.
Even talking your wife into going to a Marriage Counselor with you would be better than nothing.
I do wish you the best, and good luck.

I hear you saying you were dishonest (you implied an attraction when it wasn't really there) in order to get what you thought you wanted and now that you can't make it work, you are finding the lie harder and harder to live with. It is good that you are no longer in denial about what you did but it still remains bad that you were not fully honest and someone else's heart is involved. (Denial = telling yourself lies and believing them)

I also hear you about your longing to be with someone you actually desire and to a large extent this is the anatomy of an affair in the making. Please don't do it. If you do, I would guess that you will eventually find someone to replace your wife with and it will all come to a bad end that way. Many of those relationships don't work out too, by the way.

I would agree with the suggestion about seeking professional help. I suspect that in the long run you will need to become more honest to make anything work. That may cost your marriage but what sort of marriage is founded on dishonesty? It will seem like a big enough betrayal to your wife without adding infidelity too.

I hope that helps. The lesson about "to thine own self be true" is very often a very hard one. Man, this thread ought to be required reading for everyone who is rushing into a relationship and calling it love!

First you have to explain how a kiss becomes a five year marriage. And if they're were truly no attraction then one of you has been lying and been very deceitful in the course of years. So you have built a relationship on dishonesty lies and deceit, and not only do you show no remorse over this behavior you put forth the excuse that your inexperience and now regret over lack of passion has you miserable. One question-How about the woman who believed your lies and has built a life based on those lies?? Please get professional help for yourself so you can See the damage you have caused to the lives around you who have trusted and relied on your "honesty". You must accept whatever comes because of your deceit and in my opinion you owe much because of your actions!

Wow. Too much going oh here. How did this end in marriage? You had to agree to it.

It sounds like you have a lot of unresolved issues here. YOU MUST GO TO A COUNSELOUR formarriage WITH HER!! NOW!! + you must go see a therapist.

Ughhhhhhhhhhh - please go seek professiona ltherapy - please!!

Hey there, I have not mentioned professional help yet for 2 reasons.
1) My post was already too long - lol.
2) I wanted too see other peoples opinion before saying what proffessional help told me.

Yeah, I have gone too see a psychologist by myself, and we have gone together; basically I must come to the realization that , yes, this isn't my ideal relationship, but I'm OK at where I am.
I have gone through an exercise of imagining my ideal relationship, then going through a catalog of feelings to describe what I feel, and doing the same for my current relationship, and finding common feelings between both. The idea is to work through the common feelings and get to a place where I'm all right feeling the feelings that are in my ideal relationship and not in the current.
This is obviously a process that takes time, but at the moment I feel overwhelmed.

Your right, there was a lot of dishonesty on my side - and I should have been more honest with her, but she has a lot of issues of her own (also seeing a psychologist) - she can be very manipulating. (heehee, sounds like a real soapie). But its not really her fault that she's in this situation.
But things have been done that cannot be undone. I do not want to have an affair and will never have an affair, I also do not want these feelings of what passion might feel like - but people are curious by nature, and that is what worries me.
I wish I could just press a button to switch off these feelings and the curiosities.

What happens if some girl decides to kiss me, will I rely on me telling myself I will never have an affair, or will my curiosity take over; that is what is very scary for me - I'm pretty sure I would pick the former, but it still scares me.

Thanks for all your comments and suggestions, I hope I can help you guys out 1 day.

WOW! This belongs in Relationships 101..

This phrase sounds like a repeat but - You are not alone - Unfortunately.

Some women that marry for money have the same attitude toward life - always something missing.

Some men marry because they felt at the time that 'this woman' was the only one that would accept him and not ask many questions and life will go on..

But the strange thing about us humans is that we DON'T stop thinking and feeling - and where there was no feeling has to be worked on or it will eat you up inside.

It's good that you are receiving therapy and that you know that you can't expect miraculous cures, but that you can change yourself and your relationship by working together on this. The first step is honesty and trust.

If you trust your wife (you called it current relationship- which is kind of strange) you might both think of working on this by pretending you just met and try to start over. Even though she's pregnant - this should be no problem. You might also want to try to write down some 'fantasies' that you both have had and live them.

If all of your attempts and resources of imagination are used up and you still feel that same way, do yourself and her the favor and be truthful. Perhaps she's missed out on something too - you never know. The key here is to be honest from now on and willing to experiment and discover each other anew.

Good luck, and keep us posted..

Get involved in the whole pregnancy, the stages, and try to support her all the way - she does not need stress during this time.

Thanks Chery

I used the word "currently" incorrectly I guess; what I meant is the ideal relationship vs. the what-is-now relationship - not to be misinterpreted as "maybe-there-will-be-a-new-relationship" in the future.

I am happy that I'm going to be a father, and have been there for the pregnancy - going to scans with her - being a support - so you don't need to worry about that.

Glad your getting help and I wish you luck