Threads UNmerged


My "significant other" (I can't call him my boyfriend because even though we used to be together, we broke up and we are just starting to reconnect) has a very sick sense of humour. Most of the time I enjoy it because I also have a very twisted sense of humour so we pretty much tease each other and laugh a lot all the time at things most people would cringe at. Having said that, sometimes he crosses the line, and that's what happened last night.
We were talking on MSN and I told him I had guests for dinner that night. When I said that he said "ok, go get laid then". I was appalled by that comment and really didn't know what to tell him at that moment other than "whatever", besides he had just told me he had to go (I don't think I am the only one who sorts of black out when people say something that shocks you a bit). After about 5 minutes he came back online, I said in a very "polite" way (trying to keep my composture) that even though he said he was leaving I was wondering if he had a minute for me to tell him something. He said he didn't have time and left.
A few pointers:
1. I know he didn't mean to be disrespectful, yet not meaning to do something doesn't make it instantly OK. Knowing him as I do, I even think he didn't make anything of his comment, he just said it as a joke (a friggin' bad one)
2. He has a very low tolerance to criticism and most of our arguments go sour when he feels threatened by me telling him he might have done something wrong as well.
3. It's important to me to have some "aid" to address the situation. I do have a short fuse and I tried my best last night not to burst out on him and tell him to go XXXX himself. One of the reason we broke up in the first place was that he doesn't know how to handle conflicts so he tends to put blame on others (me), when he did that I would fight back and get emotional or angry so whatever point I was trying to make sort of fell apart right at that moment because of me not being able to be articulate enough to make it come across. That's what I am trying to revert now.
4. Last week, he told me he thought I was being "nosey" by a question I asked him. I apologized about it (I actually agree I crossed a boundary) and then we let it go. I was thinking of using that as an example of how me telling on what he did is not for him to get angry or to start a fight, but to improve comunication and not get caught in misunderstandings in the future.
Help please! I really felt bad about what he said and disrespected and I am afraid that if I don't say anything I will make it OK for him to say disrespectful things to me in the future and that is a BIG no-no

Thanks
Xx

Is this the same person: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ge-466145.html

My first impression, even before reading the other thread, is that if you can't feel comfortable talking to him and discussing when he crosses a personal boundary line, maybe this isn't the right relationship for you.

Does he know that type of 'humor' crosses a boundary line with you? If it were a healthy relationship, I would say let him know he crossed the line and leave it at that. He should be old enough or mature enough to say, 'Oops, sorry. I'll try not to make that mistake again.' However, I am not certain it was meant in humor and wasn't a verbal jab at you and your plans for the evening. How was his mood up until that point?

I know you feel closer to this person because like Kate said on Lost last night... It's meaningful when two people can stumble together, as opposed to "flying" together. You feel like the two of you are "twisted" in the same ways... But maybe you don't necessarily need somebody that's twisted like you. Maybe you just need somebody that understands you and loves you for who you are. If he is either of those things, and mature enough to act like it, then he'll understand where you're coming from and he'll probably apologize.

There's no reason why you shouldn't be able to tell him when your feelings are hurt. That's no good for either of you.

Yes, it is the same person. I ended up talking about it with him just now after all and he took it surprisingly well, we even agreed about how we were all mature about it.
About his sense of humor, he probably didn't know it crossed a boundary because one of the issues of our relationship in the past was that I was too afraid of speaking my mind to avoid arguments. When I told him now that he crossed the line he said he thought I knew he was joking. I told him that even though he was joking, it came across as disrespectful and that I would apreciate if he didn't do it again. He took that very well too. I doubt it was meant as a comment on my plans for the rest of the day considering he is not the type of person who has issues with me spending time with other people (friends in this case).
"If you can't feel comfortable talking to him and discussing when he crosses a personal boundary line, maybe this isn't the right relationship for you". Intresting point, though in this particular situation, me not being comfortable about discussing the subject is a character flaw of mine I am trying to overcome. It's something that has been an issue for me since I can remember, it could've been my S/O, mother, brother, co-worker, you name it. I jut can't have a discussion with people without getting teary eyed and my voice cracking.
To the second poster:
I don't feel we are "twisted" in the same way, as you say (or Kate... haven't seen the last episode *sigh*). Each of us have our own flaws and I'm trying to overcome mine (getting emotional over arguments, not being able to get my point across).
I am not looking for reassurance about whether or not I should get back together or stay with him or not, lots of things have happened since the question I posted at the beginning of April and I think the question was pretty clear: Should I address the particular issue or not. Maybe I should've been more clear since I already had decided to address it and rephrase it as "what is the best way to address the situation" considering what happened.
I do think it is an interesting subject to discuss, because there are a lot of people like me out there who don't know how to articulate or control themselves during arguments because they get overly emotional or angry and, after the outburst, they feel they are losing the affection of the other person, so they tend to hold back, like I was doing before. It is an irrational thought, but I know many people struggle with it as well and it is a big issue, specially in relationships, because you become a people pleaser and people disrespect you.
On the other hand, I know there are many people like my S/O who feel personally attacked when you point out their mistakes and tend to over-react and point fingers at others. I don't believe that my "old strategy" of holding back (only to later snap at the littlest thing) is the way to go, but I also know there are ways of addressing conflicts or discussions that could be useful, instead of saying "Nah, it's too much work to do, just quit on that person".

This seems to be an on going problem with you two. When he says something that bothers you tell him about it, or when you get mad take some time to cool off before you react, or take a long vacation from each other.

I am really not OK with the threads merging, this (today's question) was a very specific question about character flaws and how to deal with a particular situation that circumstancially involved this other person in particular. The question was: How to tell someone (in this case, a significant other) who doesn't deal well with criticism about them hurting your feelings, when you have trouble dealing with conflict in the first place. Yes, the person is the same person I asked ANOTHER thing about 2 months ago, but they are different questions that in my case apply to pretty much all the relationships I have with people in my life, including this time my S/O. NOT looking for dating advice, whether or not I should be with him or not or how to deal with us broken up.

>UNmerged<
After PM with OP.

My husband has what he calls a "dark" sense of humor and would have responded slightly differently:

"I had guests for dinner tonight."
"Did you marinate them?"

If you know this is his kind of humor, just keep moving forward. But consider: you might not want to hear a lifetime of zingers from this man.

I think Cat gave excellent advice.
Can't give another greeny though.

What he said wasn't funny, but it was offensive.
He can call it a joke if he likes. But that doesn't make it a joke.

I recommend you try some similar jokes on him and see if he thinks they are funny. Women are generally more sensitive about remarks that make them sound promiscuous (as this 'joke' did). Straight men tend to be ultrasensitive about any implication that they are gay (or cowardly). Try telling him, in some "funny" way, that he is going to spend the evening sleeping with men and see if he laughs at your joke. It has to be totally unexpected, so don't tell him you are going to do this. :)

Wondergirl is right too. A lifetime of these hit and run zingers? How dreary. Twisted humor should be fun, not a thinly disguised cover for unimaginative insults.

I think the best way to get a point across it to confront it.
When he says something that bothers you, nip it in the bud. Tell him right then. He'll get the message and maybe learn to think before he speaks.

Thanks everyone. Asking is spot on when he/she (sorry dear, don't know) says how us women tend to resent comments that imply promiscuity. I know I do, and that's exactly what bothered me in the first place.
As I said later, I found a way to control myself and getting my point across without getting overly sensitive about it. I'm thinking of sharing how I did in case it can help someone else in a similar situation (this I just did today so I can't guarantee results)
Anyway, back to the subject. Today, I asked him if he had a minute (had to bite my tongue not to get sarcastic and bring up the "as opposed of last night" comment I was dying to make). He said he did so it went sort of like this:
"You know how the other day you told me you thought I was being nosey? I think it was a good thing to do so that way now I know I said something that crossed a line and I can avoid doing it again in the future. Anyways, what I have to tell you it's more or like the same"
After he agreed with that, he asked me what happened. I said that I felt bad when he said what he said and that I would apreciate if he didn't do it again. He got a little bit defensive, told me he thought I knew he was joking. I told him that I knew he was, but regardless of that his joke came across as disrespectful and made me feel bad. He aknowledged that, said he didn't mean it seriously and I replied that in the same way he didn't mean it, I didn't mean to be nosey, but I was anyway. He also aknowledged that, I told him I wasn't telling him this to fight, but only to improve our comunication and that I really didn't like being afraid of telling him things because it may or may not turn into a fight so this way, by talking things through, we were able to prevent that.
He agreed (I think he was a bit shocked) and then we changed the subject.
The good thing is that I feel relieved and it is great not to have the grudgeful feeling you normally get when you hold back. I do think one must be careful on how to say things. It's one thing to be honest but another one to be painfully honest.

Both of you have the same sense of humour as you said.

So, how do you know when boundaries are crossed by either of you, unless you speak up. It's almost a competition in some ways. People will keep going until they make you stop by hitting a raw nerve (such as what happened to you). But, rules shouldn't apply just because you said so- it works both ways.

I find that sometimes what starts as funny, gets personal, and then it gets mean, and then it ends with one party or the other feeling hurt.

To live with someone who competes or has that edge about them that they have to always win with words or sarcasm in humour, can be wearing and needs to be addressed.

I would have had a retort like Wondergirls- and not taken the comment seriously. That's an example right there where the rules changed. He probably thought he was being funny, but it was taken as a hurtful, unnecessary comment that caused a big rift.

Maybe try to agree to some rules, and start with no putdowns, no personal insults or names, and stop the banter if it goes from a small flame into a burning inferno.

Mutual respect, and sensitivity to anything you say to another person, goes a long way.

I am confused as since this break up, what has happened to his other girlfriend, and if you're reconnecting, what expectations are you looking for? Forgive me if I missed those details.

An observation though, you seem to be establishing some sort of boundaries through honest, calm communications, than through impulsive words and actions and that in itself is a plus.

Jake2008: I completely agree, it should apply both ways, the sense of humour part and I think that's why it is needed to establish boundaries. We are both very dry and sarcastic, though I don't recall disrespecting him ever, and if I ever did, he would've said so.
I was afraid to draw a line, not because of the boudaries itself but because I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to get my point across, because of my past history and issues with conflict in general.
Talaniman: I will post an update on the other thread, because I don't want to discuss that issue in here, because they could merge the threads again and, as I said before, this is not a romantic-relationship question but a question about how to deal with conflict/boundaries between two people who have different issues regarding to that

I'm glad that you are going to try to tackle this.

It's weird isn't it, how different people communicate with each other. Some can only really communicate (or think they are communicating) after a bunch of beer, some when they are exploding with anger, some only when the communication level is so low that they are about to lose someone over it, and some through sarcasm where you are supposed to read between the lines.

When I mentioned the way your boyfriend communicates, he makes it a contest, and will keep going until he 'wins'. He confuses light hearted responses with comments that do not foster what he really wants to say- I miss you, I'm feeling lonely, I wish you were here, etc.

You are smart to address this, but keep in mind that for him to be a better communicator there has to be a lot more talking going on, and he needs to realize just how hurtful his behaviour can be.

Then maybe this would be better suited for the discussion forum, as its unclear why your even messing with this fellow, or to what end. That's why your questions were merged to avoid confusion, and keep the facts in one place as two open threads in the same place is very confusing to readers. Discussions are best in their own forums, since its opinions, and not advice you are seeking.

Please advise.

Jake2008:
Couldn't agree more, and that's what I am trying to do. It started with the conversation we had about it yesterday, though I know I have to be highly empathic and careful when addressing the issue with him, not because of how afraid I could be, but because he has issues with conflict himself.
If I push too hard, he will brush it off, act out and shut down, so I am trying to develop a way for him to stay open and listen, without feeling threatened. Trying to break the vicious cycle.
That was the purpose of the question/thread actually. I am not sure if how I addressed the issue was the best way, though I got a better response than I've had in the past. That's why all the ideas were (and are, because this is not over and there's no human relationship without conflict) welcome.

I think you are on the right track, and all positive efforts will be rewarded. I imgine that with his problems with conflict, it will take some time to get past that fear of opening up.

You are so right in my opinion to take it little steps at a time, plant a seed, and nurture it.

I also think you are a decent person who is going the extra mile, and while many would have bailed, you are doing your best to work it out.

He's lucky to have you.

Best of luck.

Pitufita,
It almost sounds like you are teaching yourself to communicate by practicing on him. Irrespective of whether this particular relationship works out, that's a great thing that you can carry with you into all others. It will make your life easier and happier.

It certainly has been a learning experience and it can be extrapolated (sp?) to different aspects of life. This is not a question about a relationship by itself and whether or not it will or not work. Every day you encounter conflicts, whether it is with the lady at the store or your husband, son, etc. and I believe that by improving the way you relate to the people in your life you are more close to (which are the ones you normally have more conflicts with because more emotion is involved), it will affect other areas in your life as well.
Besides, this issue in particular has to do with a character flaw that has been bothering me as long as I can remember and has affected very single relationship (romantic, friendly, work-related) I've ever been in. I want to change it and I also want to improve my comunication with this person, because of how much he means to me.