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    metalfan101's Avatar
    metalfan101 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Mar 1, 2018, 09:42 PM
    How to stop fighting with my mom?
    Unlike my dad, me and my mom fight from quit a bit. Whenever my mom gets mad or frustrated with me about something she resorts to insults and calling me names whenever we argued. Today, I was talking to my boyfriend over Skype and my voice can be pretty loud. My mom has told me to go to the basement to talk, but the basement is the coldest part of the house and especially hard to be there for long periods especially in the winter. So my mom starts yelling, and says something like "if you were normal, you would get my message." or "don't look at me (she's still yelling at me still) go to the basement and talk there." "If you do this again our relationship is over." Our fights are like this a lot. I do something wrong, or something that's not a big deal and she starts calling me names like stupid, or lazy etc. The other time my mom got upset was when I came back from a trip to NYC with a friend and my mom saw that I brought one skirt from a lolita shop in NYC, and got upset that I brought one article of clothing. (She saw my bag yesterday and didn't say anything). It was only the next day did my mom have an issue that I brought an article of clothing. Then she started bringing up how I did nothing since I graduated community college. I've looked for colleges to transfer to, try to find a new job, get my transcript issue sorted out from a college which took a long time to get settled. When I started telling her all the things I did she goes to my dad and says she's so stupid. Once my mom was calm she said I should have known not to buy more clothing since I brought a lot with my debit card, and it should have been implied when I deposited money from my debit card not to buy clothing. She told me I should have watched how much I was spending (which I did), only buy a few books or maybe one article of clothing with my money (which I did), use it for mostly food (which I did) and to not spend a lot since I was still in search for a job. Even my dad is aware how mean my mom is when she's angry and telling my mom not to insult when she's angry doesn't work. My dad has pretty much gotten nothing out of her, instead she say "I'm frustrated" as if that excuses her behavior. Whenever she starts calling me names my anxiety acts up and I try not to cry. My friends are convinced if I say something she would listen but it doesn't work either. My boyfriend thinks it's because she's in her mid 60's she's getting more agitated but she's done this when I was younger too. Lately when we argue I bring up the things she says and tell her not to call me those names out of frustration she says "I'm frustrated, you made me say these things." Nothing is working, and it frustrates me. She's so quick to point out the things I need to improve on while she barely does it with herself. She's the one who taught me to admit when I'm wrong and don't be stubborn while my mom does the same. She can insult me when she's angry and not apologize.
    When my mom left for a month to go visit her sister in Japan I was so happy partly because I would have the house to myself when my dad goes to work but also so I wouldn't have to deal with any fighting. And throughout the time with my dad we didn't yell at each other for a month. I really like my mom, I know she loves me, when she's not fighting with me she's great, but when she's angry I dislike her. She just blames me for our strained relationship without realizing she's also to blame.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855

    Mar 2, 2018, 11:02 AM
    You can keep doing what you're doing, and keep the conflict going, or you can be the mature one and NOT contribute or emulate her nutty behavior. I know it may be asking a lot for a teen/child to not let your mom push your buttons, or retrain from emotional responses to her impulsive rantings, but I see no other way for you to survive your teen years with your mom, and that's really the bottom line isn't it?

    She is 60? I doubt she changes, but YOU can change yourself right now, and be better. Your mom and dad no doubt suffer, but he has found a way to deal with his crazy wife, and you must find a way to deal with your crazy mom, so she doesn't drive you nuts like she is.

    Doesn't seem fair, but life is not fair but you still have to deal with it. It's a huge challenge in your young life, and I hope you step in the right direction to rise above it. Not just for your mom, but mostly for you. The practice of disciplined restraint, and non confrontation with a sick person that rants and raves is a life skill, that will always serve you well in any situation in the future, so practice it now, and get good at it.

    The good news is this will be behind you soon enough, but sadly without the proper help, your mom will continue to live in this hell her whole life. Know she is suffering, but you don't have to. Accepting that you and your mom will and have had good days and bad days together should help you get beyond this negative reaction when she is having a bad day.

    What do you think of my suggestion to stop taking her bad days, and the behavior that comes with it, not so personally? Is it a doable plan?
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert

    Mar 3, 2018, 06:17 AM
    To be very blunt, you should be GONE out of the house by now, and she, in her 60s, should be allowed to sit back and RELAX from over 20 years of being a parent.
    My mother was a lot like yours, and I was a lot like you, except in one respect: I left right after high school. I even dropped out of college and ruined a full scholarship, just so that I wouldn't be beholden to her in any way, especially financial. You don't seem to mind spending your parents' money.
    Every parent has the right to say ''I love my child. That doesn't mean I have to continue to support him.''
    The fact that your question involves so much petty stuff like stories about buying an article of clothing from a certain shop indicates that you don't have a good grasp of the bigger picture. Most of what you wrote is irrelevant. What IS relevant:
    Your age
    When you finished community college
    What you do with your days
    How close you are to a 4 year college or a JOB and an apartment with a friend.

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