Yeah, I made that post earlier about her mixed signals, and me making the fatal error saying some stuff which ended our friendship. Well, I've actually been reading a lot of posts on here, and I'm convinced me and her can work things out, and she wants to work it out... the problem lies in me.

I know this, because my ex before her was talking to me the other day, and she gave me a no bullsh*t answer on what my problem is. She told me exactly why she dumped me, and it sounded very similar to what my current ex ended everything because of.

To quote her text, and guys, please don't laugh haha, its not something I am proud of, but its something I want to change for myself so I don't keep making the same mistake over and over and over again.

"But when you write that, it makes you sound even more needy. The main reason why i broke up with you is because you are so emotional and needy, even more than most girls I know. And just the fact that you cried when I broke up with you, was even more of a turnoff for me. Girls dont need guys to act like girls, if we liked that we would be lesbians k? If ***** is anything like me, and I think she is, she is probably so annoyed with you because of your tendency to be girly when it comes to relationships. ***** is a ing intense chick who obviously likes manly men, from what i see, and you have the potential to be that person for her, but you're just not. But no offense, you seriously just come off as a whiny b*tch."

And then it was
"Alright i'm glad you realize it. Girls are confusing creatures :P We like the chase. The second you let her know that you need her, or you can't live without her, all that needy sh*t, then the game is over. I did that with Chris and now look at me, he talks to me maybe 3 times a week. At most. It's no longer fun for him. So next time you have a relationship, make her question things. Or if you want to repair this, then the only thing you can do is wait for her to come to you. If she doesn't, then she didn't "love" you. It really is that simple."


Harsh I know, but that was the slap in the face I needed to wake me up. See with me, why most girls fall for me, I am unemotional, I do manly things, and all of that. Girls love me... at first. My problem lies during the relationship itself, and a psychologist I was seeing (court ordered since I stabbed someone in a fight, oops) told me that because my mother was never in my life, I submit to women in relationships. That's why I get all needy and emotional and attached. I talked with the ex, and told her that I want to help myself. I emphasized the things that I know are wrong with me and that I will get help to fix it, not for her but for myself. She said we can be friends when I'm ready and get the help... she wants to give me another chance, but just can't deal with me when I get to the begging stage, and bringing all this drama into her life. Is there a chance me and her will get back together? Probably not, but it doesn't mean I can't learn this from the break up.

Now my question to you guys is how exactly do I go about in being less needy in a relationship? How do I make it so the girl is wondering about me, where I am more of a mystery? I show so much love in a relationship, it drives the women away, its happened in almost all of my relationships, and its killing me. My last ex is the one girl I actually fell for, and I messed that one up. Time to get over it, and still do NC, but I want to improve myself, love myself, and be more secure in myself so this doesn't happen again.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

My first suggestion would be to continue seeing a professional to help you get those deep rooted issues addressed if at all possible. They are better trained and equipped to help you get over the issue you mentioned before.

While I can give you some hints and tips on how to improve yourself and how you can appear less needy and insecure, these would only be small bandaids for your bigger problem.

Stop being a whiny insecure b*tch! How?

By balancing your life with other things besides these females. By being happy with yourself, and not relying on them to make you happy.

By not trying to make them happy all the time, and giving them space to do their thing

By not being so nice, and doing every little thing for them, let them ask, and not be available all the time as you should always have your own life and never put their needs in front of your own.

Work with them, not for them. That would be putting them on a higher pedestal than you put yourself on.

Don't let them get a way with anything, and tell them when you think they are full of crap.

That will get you started.

I used to be some what like.. maybe not to that extent.. but what I've learned from my experiences and like talaniman said you need to not be available. You'd be surprised how crazy girls get for you when you just don't care that much. I don't mean don't hang out with them and don't talk to them.. I just mean you need to play hard to get, but let up sometimes. Works for me. And keeps girls interested

Yeah, I really do need to work on it. I went 2 weeks without really talking to her, and this was after a big fight... she called me one night saying I miss you, and I love you... and all of that. Then all the hopes of a relationship came back, I went back to being needy, insecure me, and boom, she's pushed away again. She's trying to give me the chance, she flat out told me, get the help, stop being so needy and over reacting, and we will work... I just keep being insecure, and I hate it about myself. Its something I've always done, and I'm trying real hard to work on it. I just bought a bunch of self help books to read, and hopefully I can come up with some money to get some counsiling. I'm keeping the no contact with this girl, and I just want to get my life back in order now.

Work on yourself, without her influence, as your feelings for this female are nothing but a distraction from you focusing on YOU. Right now you don't need to even consider what she wants, says, or does, let alone what she may be thinking.

Yeah we aren't friends right now, no contact, none of that... She told me to come to her when I am ready, and I will. But in the mean time, I've got more important things to worry about, like Iraq, and improving myself. I still think about her a lot, but for some reason, I'm not sad about it, I'm not angry about it. In fact, I am happy it all happened. I love her to death, but without all this happening, I would have never realized I was one of those "too nice" kind of guys, you know, a doormat. Now its time to regain my manhood, grow a pair, be more confident, and learn from all this. If she comes back, fine. That would be best, but if she doesn't, that's also fine. I found a good girl like her, I can always find another.

There is nothing wrong with being sad, or mad for that matter. What counts is how you cope with those feelings, which seems to be the lesson in all this. You can just about deal with whatever life throws at you, if you can deal with your own feelings.

See that's where the problem lies. I can deal with just about anything. I've packed up and left all of my friends without contact for about 6 months before (I was in basic training and all of that)... and I was fine. I have no problem going overseas for a year and leaving everyone behind. I've also been in ty situations, like a knife fight I got into which led to me almost being charged with 3 felonies. Imagine facing that? Knowing your whole life as you know it will end if you are charged. I got through that with nothing more than needing to do 120 hours of community service because I showed them I learned my lesson. I've gotten through just about everything life has thrown at me with a grin, and taking it like a man. But, when it comes to relationships, I'm a friggin p*ssy and I get needy. That's what needs to stop. It needs to stop now because it's not who I really am, its not conducive to a healthy relationship, its not good for my own mental health. I've been in relationships where she was needy, and I left her... so why am I doing it myself? I know when I stop being needy and showing women how strong I really am, how confident I really am, and all of that, my relationships will be fine... I'm sure even my current ex would take me back because she said she would once she sees that I am the man she actually fell for, not this BS needy person I am being right now, but even if she doesn't at least my future relationships won't go down the sh*tter because I got too needy.

I agree you have to hold off on revealing this aspect of your personality for a bit while dating - just so that you can find the kind of woman who'll meet you emotional needs. And there is a line that you seem to be crossing but I wouldn't label yourself as clingy or needy. These women have some pretty stupid, superficial and cliché ideas of what guys are supposed to be like - which they're entitled to. Here's my take, yes work on yourself - your confidence and whatnot. Dig into why you feel as you do, what your triggers are. Recognize when you're crossing the line into crowding her space, possessiveness or simply not standing up for yourself in a relationship and stop that behaviour immediately. But I think you'll find that when you meet someone who does meet those emotional needs a lot of those habits and insecurities will ease up.

And don't be so quick to dismiss a woman who you've deemed "needy". Do some digging and find out what's causing it. A lot of the times, people need to feel heard and understood. When you or someone else is reaching out like that, the worst thing you could do is shut them down (or shut yourself down). When that sort of thing crops up in a relationship, it indicates that something needs to be healed and is being triggered. These girlfriends of yours aren't the right women for you.