Hi,

I am getting mixed signals from a girl I'm friends with. We came from the same high school and are currently the only one's from our graduating class who have started at a particular university this year. We were good friends before, although not especially close (we only really saw each other at school). But since we only really knew each other at the start of the year, we have been spending a lot of time together hanging out.

We had a discussion about relationships a number of months ago. Although I like her, and find her good-looking, I had really only seen her as a friend up until that point, and had not made any advances on her. She brought up the conversation, as she noticed we'd been hanging out a lot more than before. Anyway, she said that she wasn't looking to be in a relationship, and wanted to stay just as friends. However, the conversation seemed strange, as I didn't feel like I was being put in the "friend zone"; I forget her exact words, but it seemed like she was avoiding saying something (and no, I don't think she was holding back to avoid hurting my feelings). Also, instead of letting me part ways after talking about that, she wanted to hang out for another hour or so, which I think is unusual for someone who brings up such a conversation.

Anyway, things got weird after that. We hung out a few times after that day, but she didn't want to meet as often as before. Then there was a period where she seemed to be limiting her contact with me - for example,she did things like block and unfriend me on Facebook without warning (I still don't know why she did that). Despite this, she would always answer my texts, and although they were less friendly than before. And whenever I asked if she wanted to do something, she always had an excuse. It didn't seem like she was just trying to get away from me though; as flimsy as some of her excuses were, a few times she would say things like "I'm not making this up", as if she didn't want me to just give up on her. (By the way, I am aware that she might have actually had things going on that can keep her life busy, but I do know that there were times she had nothing going on; she even did this during the fall reading week, when there weren't even any classes, and I knew she hadn't made plans).

Finally, I tried to ask her what was going on. I couldn't even convince her to meet in person, so we ended up talking by phone. This lead to a very tense discussion, with her saying things like she was busy, that she didn't think we had anything in common besides going to the same school, etc. Basically making up reasons for pushing me away on the spot, and getting really upset and defensive. I'd had enough, and didn't want to get into a huge argument, so I told her fine, that I wouldn't bother her any more. When I did that though, it was like she had turned 180 degrees; she still sounded upset, but she told me she still wanted me to talk to her, and didn't want to cut her out of my life. I managed to end the call after calming her down a bit.

In the days following the phone call, it was like she had changed completely, being even more friendly than back at the start of the year. I didn't push any more to find out what went on to cause the rift in our friendship (not wanting a repeat of before), but it seemed to have been mended, and then some. My friend invited me back onto Facebook, she seemed happy to get my texts again, and although it wasn't very often (exams had started by this point, and we both needed to study), she agreed to meet up a few times, and in a very good mood too. Plus, she started texting me again, putting in more emoticons than before, and adding extra letters to words (like "heeyyy", or "awweee"), which she had never done.

At one point after this change, when it felt things had stabilized for sure, I told her I had tickets to a concert for a band I knew she liked. She was really excited. But after a while, she changed her mind about going. Later on, she sent me a long message saying that she didn't want to go because she thought she doing so give the impression that she only wanted to spend time with me to take advantage of the tickets, and that she isn't that kind of person. I ended up giving the tickets to other friends - I had gotten them for free anyway, and the band wasn't really my favourite, so I didn't mind. However, from the complexity of the message, it was clear that she was very concerned about what I thought about her.

More recently, the day before I was set to leave to visit distant relatives during the Christmas break, and be gone for several weeks, she asked ME if I wanted to hang out; something she had not done for a very long time. We ended up spending pretty much half the day together, with her showing me around her neighbourhood, then hanging out at her house, places I'd never been before. I even met her family, and stayed long enough to have dinner there! When I finally went to leave, she insisted on walking me to the bus stop, even though I said I was fine. Before I got on, she asked me for a hug, which I was not expecting at all! (She had hugged me earlier in the day, but that was after I had given her a Starbucks card as a Christmas gift. Even then, it seemed out of place for her).
Finally, she sent me a series of texts checking to see if my trip had been safe and everything a couple of days later. She also seemed especially glad when I texted her on Christmas day, and we talked over Skype a few times.

So yeah, I'm sorry this has been so long, but I just want to know how to figure out some of my friend's behaviour. I'm not too much of an idiot to know that she obviously likes me, but is there any way to tell if it's as a friend or as something more? I mean, I don't want to just ask her (I know her well enough to know she would just say nothing has we discussed it at the start of the year), but between avoiding me earlier and then suddenly becoming friendly again, I don't know what she thinks of me, especially the hugs, which seemed out of place for her.

If anyone could help me interpret some of these mixed signals, I'd owe you a big one. I mean, if she's just coming on strong as a friend, or if she turns out to be interested in being closer than just friends, I'd like to figure it out (especially for the latter, so I can be prepared and figure out what my own feelings are for her). Plus it would be nice to know what her withdrawing from me earlier could have been (I'm pretty sure I was giving her space and everything... ). Yes, I'm aware I'll have to ask her to be certain, but I'd like to be a little more sure of what these signs could mean before I ask her to have another awkward talk.

Thanks for reading this ridiculously long and confusing post,

Bill

Hey, I've been going through some similar things, albeit with two different girls (one who had the "lets be friends talk" but whose real feelings I'm uncertain about, and one who almost shut the whole world away because of school pressure earlier). Can't say that I've found a way to figure my problems out - that's why I'm still on here, and how I found your question- but maybe when you come back to your school, you should try purposely giving some mixed messages of your own, ask her out for things that are ambiguous as to whether they are dates or friendly outings, that kind of thing. I'm clueless with girls, but maybe her reaction will give you more information if she's interested in taking things past being friends. I think she'll play along, as it does seem she likes you a lot as a friend at least (I wish I had signs as clear as that from the girl I'm confused over... ).

We can guess, but you can guess better because you know her. If she is really a good friend or wants anything, then you can actually talk with her about it. If you can not talk to her about it, it really does not matter since there is no close friendship

Why can't you just take a females words for it and just be friends without all the mind games fellas? Most times the mixed signals you are getting is because of your own confusion. You make mountains out of molehills and get confused by simple things you look to deeply into. Part of it is inexperience, but most of it is not having other things, people, places and things you enjoy without this one female.

Your confusion in the so called mixed signals isn't fro her, BUT YOU!! Acknowledge you like the attention, then acknowledge you need it because its all you got. There is no balance in your life. If there was you would accept the friendship as being what it is and have a life that you enjoy without them, and wouldn't be so dependent on their attention.

She doesn't seem to have much of a life either, or she does, but you don't know it. She doesn't want romance with you and that's for sure. You have trouble being a friend without drama or dependence.

Talaniman, this has nothing to do with the balance of my life or dependence (I have gradually found other things to do and others to hang out since classes started, even before she pushed me away). In fact, as I said, I was ready to walk away at one point. My problem is that I'm watching my friend act in a weird way that is inconsistent with what she said before. I mean, unless I'm really, really clueless, the way she had been avoiding me earlier and the way she's acting very close now don't really fit into "just being friends", right? There are a lot of things in her behaviour that could be dismissed as nothing, but it's obvious that her behaviour HAS changed.

Sure, I'm confused, but who wouldn't be? That's why I'm asking in the first place! I plan on asking her what's up eventually, but like I said, I want to be prepared first. Sorry if I seem to be dismissing your answer, but I want to make it clear that I'm not just making up the mixed signals; besides the little things (of which there are too many to list), she went from having little to do with me to wanting me as a friend again. And I don't like this drama, that's why I'm trying to get a proper perspective on the situation, so I can figure out a way to stay friends without feeling so much weird tension.

If you don't understand the actions of a friend, then ask them about it directly. That's what friends do. The problem with being confused and assuming is the mind games you play on yourself. Likely she has to be more friendly because that's what you seem to need to be her friend, but ask her directly.

She wants her cake, and eat it too.

She likes the idea of having a familiar person in her life that she can count on, without worrying about having to be more involved than she wants to- as in boyfriend/girlfriend.

My opinion is that she is using you. She sees you when it suits her, she says enough to keep you confused and guessing about her intentions, and keeps you hanging on. That is not a friendship.

I don't think she is good friend material, let alone anything more.

I think it even sounds emotionally abusive. Millions may disagree, but how do you explain a person who wants what she wants, no matter what the emotional expense, and moves forward, moves backward, doesn't move at all, then wonders why you don't get it.

If I were you, I would limit contact, and not be so available. She isn't interested except only to have a safe place to fall back to (you), which could mean simply growing up and learning how to live on her own.

Who needs the drama.

I am going to reverse the perspective. I keep reading about how you want to interpret what's going on in her mind that I am unclear what is actually going on in your mind.

First of all, straight up question for you, do you want to be more than friends with her or do you just want a friendship? Or are you still stuck in the middle.

If you want more than a friendship (i.e. a romantic relationship), then be clear and up front about it. If she wants it too, then you can be together. If she doesn't, then you can both move on and be normal friendship instead of guessing what's on each other's mind.

If you only want to be friends, then I also suggest that you clear the air with her. Tell her straight up that you hope that she doesn't get the wrong idea because you only want to be friends with her and then start treating her like a normal friend and make sure she's clear about where you stand so that she doesn't have to keep guessing what's on your mind.

If you're still unclear between friendship or relationship, then sort it out in your mind first before you worry about what's on her mind. There's no point trying to guess what's on her mind when you're not even clear yourself. Once you sorted out what's on your mind, then refer back to the latter two paragraphs.

I think you're both old enough to have a mature conversation instead of playing all these minds games with each other. If you don't know what's on each other's mind, it's cause you never actually talked about it because neither of you are willing to be honest with each other. At some point, you both need to be honest to clear the air.

Clue 1: "Anyway, she said that she wasn't looking to be in a relationship, and wanted to stay just as friends"
"I forget her exact words, " You wouldn't forget the exact words if they actually were encouraging a romantic relationship.
"(and no, I don't think she was holding back to avoid hurting my feelings). " That's what you want to think.
Clue 2: " but she didn't want to meet as often as before."
Clue 3: "and unfriend me on Facebook without warning " That was to avoid the appearance of a romantic relationship to others.
Clue 4: "she would always answer my texts, and although they were less friendly than before" She realized that you had been getting wrong impression.
"It didn't seem like she was just trying to get away from me though; as flimsy as some of her excuses were..." Contradictory thoughts.
Clue 5: " but I do know that there were times she had nothing going on"
Clue 6: "and I knew she hadn't made plans"
"I couldn't even convince her to meet in person, so we ended up talking by phone" Not ended up on phone-You were already on the phone trying to convince her to meet--???
Clue 7: "that she didn't think we had anything in common besides going to the same school,"
"so I told her fine, that I wouldn't bother her any more" She thought that you finally understood what she had been trying to say!
She thought that it had been settled that this was a platonic friendship and assumed she could resume a normal friendship and tried to do so.
"but is there any way to tell if it's as a friend or as something more?"
Yes. Read your post the way we read it-objectively.
It is very clear to me that she wants a friend (link to her secure past) from the old group but nothing else as regards you.
I was in your position once or twice (long ago) and I remember some very unusual, irrational things I did and said because I was seeing what I wanted to see and convinced that I could turn things around if I just made one more try. Only after I had weaned myself off of the illogical path I had been on, could I see that it wasn't meant to be.
I don't think that you can be just a close friend with her (I know that I couldn't have in my situations). Go in a different direction. Don't snub her, but cross paths only by chance-never contrived, and find someone who is as interested in you as you are in her. Continuing on with your present lose-lose situation will affect your education, your financial future, and maybe even your health.
She is immature, maybe homesick, knows how you feel about her, knows it will go nowhere romantically, knows continuing to see you will hurt you, but caring only about her own need for a close friend and a connection to her secure former life. Good Luck.
Note: You will come back I bet and try to refute these clues, contradictions, and oxymoronic reasonings of yours, unless you wake up and smell the coffee.

Well...

Based on the answers I'm getting, it looks like I should simply stick with my original plan of just asking her to clear the air if she continues acting weird when I return to the university.

I should say that although I appreciate the responses I've been given, some of the answers here are seem a bit judgemental about certain things, either towards me or my friend, and that's probably my fault. I have left out many details, simply because I felt I couldn't explain them properly, or that it would take forever to list them. I'll add some more here, but I think that I'm only going to find out the truth by asking her why she's been acting strange around me.

-I'm not going to dismiss any romantic feelings I suspect she might have or say I couldn't feel that way at all, given time. However, to be clear, I just feel like trying my best to maintain the friendship right now. In fact, I told her I was fine with it when she said she just wanted to stay as friends.

-This girl is kind of indecisive at times (Please don't say anything mean or tell me to dismiss her as a flake). I've seen her say something and then do something completely different several times before. And although I'd never seen her do that before in regards to keeping friends, it's part of why I suspected something was up when she went from saying "let's keep things the way they are, and just hang out" to avoiding any face to face contact with me in just a matter of weeks.

-This girl was a bit of a loner at our high school. She told me once or twice that she hasn't really been interested in keeping touch with people from the past, and I'm pretty much the only person she talks to regularly (she doesn't even hang out with any of her new friends at university very much except between classes). Simply put, she's a quiet, introverted person who doesn't rely too much on others. This might explain her time spent pushing me away, but I find it odd that we were able to hold onto our high school friendship in the first place, and that she's been acting friendlier again recently. I know enough about her to say she couldn't care less about me being a secure link to the past.

-She's been acting closer, to the point where she's trusted me with some personal things and discussed problems she's never told anyone else.

-I'll admit it could just be her way of being extra friendly to make up for avoiding me earlier, but she seems to be acting flirty with me lately. She's been laughing at more of the things I say, she was VERY eager to show me around her neighbourbood before I left over the holidays ("I want to show you this place, you can't leave before seeing it"), and been very concerned about my welfare and comfort ("I'm walking with you to the bus stop when you leave, you don't know my neighbourhood and I don't want you to get lost in the dark" - the stop was just across the street from her family's building, and I was more than capable of remembering the way back from when we arrived, even at night).
Also, the one time we talked on skype last week, the conversation shifted to gifts we had each received for Christmas. She told me that the shirt she was wearing was a gift, and suddenly moved her webcam to show me the design on the front, and took a few seconds before putting it back on her face. I know my mind is probably playing tricks on me over this, but I can't help but think she she was purposely adjusting her webcam and sitting in a way so I could see more of her chest... (and I still wonder about why it was so important for me to see something as insignificant as a shirt at that exact moment... )

All these things (among many others) have been contrasting with her "friendzoning" me, and so I'm left confused. I'll ask her what her feelings really are soon - when she said we should just remain friends, she didn't explicitly say she didn't have any feelings... Again, my memory is unreliable, but I suspect she was trying to be careful and not bring up her feelings at all - only mine were discussed, and I said I was happy to be friends. I guess she's the only who can really explain her actions...

Oh yeah, I should mention that one of the personal things she told me was that although she doesn't ask for it (being a quiet, introverted person), she likes the attention her looks get from guys around her. Even though she said this not too long after "friendzoning" me, I thought I should mention that it considering I appear to be the only guy who she regularly hangs out with...

You may be the only friend she hangs with, or even her most trusted one, but romance is a LOOOOOOOOOONG way off and she is in no hurry, but for you, your feelings may NOT make you an objectionable judge of her actions and words, or your own reactions.

We are often more obsessed with wanting what we know we can't have or want right now, and that's what a healthy balance in your own life helps you achieve. An better perspective, based on facts, and not just driven by just feelings, or the false hope YOU can change her mind about a romance with you.

Well,

It isn't clear yet whether it's just friends doing something fun together or if it's a date, but I seem to have gotten this girl to agree to go out (yes, I changed my mind from before, but personal stuff besides her acting weird has happened in the last little while to make me rethink my life... ). Her birthday was a little while ago, and as a gift, I bought tickets so the both of us could see a new aquarium that recently opened in the city. The tickets were kind of pricy, but it's something that I know she will enjoy, and that I want to see for myself. When she figured out how much I had paid, she kept making comments about being too nice and generous... which she has continued to work into almost every conversation we've had since. Because she isn't rejecting the tickets (read what I wrote about the concert tickets earlier), I'm taking this as a good sign. Plus, she has a nickname which I've started to use occasionally to see her reaction - she sent me a text saying it makes her smile when I do that, followed by :').

When I gave the tickets to her, and she noticed there were two, she said "you'll come with me, right?" before I mentioned that I had bought them with the intention of going with her. When I said yes, she insisted on a close hug from me, and told me she wants to go as soon as her first wave of tests and assignments from this term is over. She's also been taking more interest in some of the things I've said to her lately, and using emoticons in almost every text she sends. Lastly, when she discovered I had switched into a course she's taking (albeit in a different section), she assertively told me she was going to lend me her textbook so I could make photocopies and save me money if I didn't have it yet (this was before she knew how expensive the tickets were).

I'm mentioning all this stuff not to brag, but rather to see if anyone here thinks I'm misinterpreting her still. However, the signals I'm getting seem so strong lately that I doubt it. I'll ask her how she feels about me as soon as a good moment arrives. It's been hard trying to figure my friend out, as she's quiet, shy, and often very busy with school, but I think that I'm almost there. Thank you for those who answered me, especially those who encouraged me to ask her. Haven't done that exactly yet, but I think going out with her is a good way to set that up.

I think she is desperate for a friend and fun, but romance not so much. What's telling is the lengths she goes to keep a friend who gives her attention knowing you want more. That probably is why every hug or attention she does gives just makes you keep hoping for more.

That's exactly one of the reasons I think she DOES have feelings - I know her well enough to say that she doesn't actively seek attention from anyone including friends (and in some cases even avoids it, especially with guys). As we became friends in the first place, she never acted like this around anyone, and now her behaviour is so out of character. Plus, it does seem to be just on me - for example, many people wished her happy birthday on her Facebook page. She responded to most people with a either a quick thanks or a like. However, aside from some family, I was the only one to whom she gave a more personal reply to (complete with an "Awee" at the beginning, several exclamation marks, and a smiley emoticon), plus a like.

Although she might be playing games with me because she's shy (I am too), she isn't a manipulative person otherwise - in fact, she usually goes out of her way to avoid difficult situations rather than take control. However, even if she was coming on this strong just to keep me as a friend, then wouldn't things start going back to normal by now after what happened in the fall? Although I'm putting a lot of stuff on here, I've made a conscious effort to stop acting needy around her, so there's no reason why she should feel any pressure from me to still act this way to stay as friends. In fact, I was standing around talking with another girl between classes earlier, and my friend came and interrupted our conversation just long enough to say hi, then continue on her way. I hadn't even noticed her approach, and in fact had been so deep in conversation that most people would probably have just walked by, let alone try to catch my attention and make sure I specifically noticed them...

So yeah, I don't know. Maybe you are right talaniman... I just notice all of these things that seem so out of place though, even before I spend time overanalyzing them. I'm hoping to find out very soon.

While life may call for many thoughtful strategic decisions, relationships are more go with the flow with reasonable expectations because what's on the mind of another human is not quite that cut and dried, and subject to changes, for reasons that may not be logical to you. You don't know what her normal is, or how she may be evolving as her own person.

Just when you think you know someone, you usually find you don't. Most people barely know themselves beyond what they want NOW.

I agree. This whole thing feels like I'm playing by ear, and I suppose lately it has been sounding a lot better, to continue the analogy. I guess I can try as hard as I can to get people's opinions on the specific things I mention, but I'm probably only going to get vague advice until I actually bring it up with her, as nobody else can live my life for me. (Sorry if this sounds like I'm bitterly resigning myself to your answer; I don't mean it that way at all, and appreciate the time you take to respond).

Changing the discussion a bit, does anyone have any advice when and how to ask her if she has any feelings now? Again, I know I can only go with when I feel the time is right, but any input would helpful. I was so far planning to wait until after I take her out and use those tickets so I could see how well that goes, but I'm open to ideas.

She probably doesn't know what her feelings are. What if she is just trying to overcome her own shyness with the only friend she has outside her own family? You may want to change the subject but you keep asking the same things with different words, how does she feel about YOU.

You seem obsessed with the thought of having more than a friendship, and a friend with a selfish agenda is no friend in the long run.

Before, you said I should I accept the relationship for what it is. Not to be defensive, but, that is what I want to do - however, regardless of whatever agenda I may have, things have kept changing, so I'm not certain what "it" is, though it definitely isn't nothing, if that makes any sense. If something isn't there for sure, then I will be happy to have my friend back. If it is there, then I feel I should find out before I act as if there is anything.

Also, I didn't mean to imply she had no other friends earlier, just that she doesn't keep her circles large. What's odd though is that when I gave her the aquarium tickets and she unexpectedly hugged me, she was with a couple of friends - who I politely said hi to, but she all of a sudden ignored when we were talking.

(I'm not writing all these responses out of obsession by the way; I just have the day off and have little else to do, so I figure I might as well add whatever details might be important. Sorry if I seem to be nitpicking all your answers to win some kind of argument talaniman, lol!)

I don't take it that way my friend quite the opposite. I ain't shy, nor conflicted about blunt conversations to clear the air and deal with the aftermath of it. Lots of rejections and adjustments that way.

I asked her if she wanted to hang out and do something after her last class on the 14th. She's bad at remembering plans, so she made a point to tell me to ask her again closer to that date. However, as I ran the idea by her, she put a huge smile on her face - and it didn't go away when I casually reminded her that the 14th is Valentine's day. In fact, I think it got bigger and slightly goofier. :)