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    how to deal with a X boyffriend that WON'T let go

    Asked Aug 26, 2009, 02:46 PM 29 Answers
    When I became a member of AHMD in October 2008 I had broken up with my X BF just a few weeks prior and I had pretty much the same problem as I have now.

    1. he refuses to let go
    2. he refuses to respect my decision (i.e. I don't want him in my life)
    3. he refuses to listen when I tell him to stop contacting me

    So last year I did a number of things to make sure that he would stop calling, text, mailing, and showing up outside my apartment and it worked, eventually...

    I changed my phone number, I blocked him on Facebook, my mail account, and prior to doing all this I told him that he had to stop doing the things he did cause it was upsetting and creepy.

    In April he started to hang out with my brother (not my brothers idea!) he just started showing up places and when ever he saw my brother and his friends he would just tag along. My brother talked to me about it and told me that he felt that my x was doing this because he wanted to get closer to me. Also in April my Bro had a party and when I showed up my bro apologised to me about him being there and he asked my x to go.

    This summer there was a music festival in my hometown and I saw my x there. I didn't really think it was going to be a problem and that I could avoid him. But every time we saw each other he tried to stop me and talk, especially if I was alone and now he has started to send me me texts. Sometimes when he's drunk at 4.30 in the morning or even in the middle of the day.

    The worst thing about this is that he was really crule towards me and I really can't have him around. I really cant' and in all honesty... him contacting me is torment!

    I got a text today, and one early in the morning about 2.5 weeks ago. I honestly don't know if I should answer him and tell him to quit... or just ignore... I didn't answer the last text, so today he sent me one about meaningless stuff.

    I have considered to ask my phone company if I can block his number. I know they do that in some cases, I honestly don't feel that I should let him bother me to the extent that I change my phone number yet again...

    Thank you for reading this. Lol I know it's a bit long... :p

    Last edited by roxypox; Aug 26, 2009 at 03:31 PM.
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    29 Answers
    Justwantfair's Avatar
    Justwantfair Posts: 3,422, Reputation: 944
    Ultra Member

    Aug 26, 2009, 02:50 PM
    File an Order of Protection from harassment.
    I think he would understand that message.
    That is what I would do.
    roxypox's Avatar
    roxypox Posts: 1,028, Reputation: 328
    Ultra Member

    Aug 26, 2009, 03:02 PM

    Thank you Justwantfair! I'm starting to think that this is the only way to get him of my back! Because I really don't need him hanging over me! Or trying to be apart of my life this way.

    I feel seriously disrespected!
    chuff's Avatar
    chuff Posts: 3,397, Reputation: 1235
    Ultra Member

    Aug 26, 2009, 07:57 PM

    How did he get your new number?

    Does he know you've been dating other people?

    Going along with Justy's idea, you might text him back one time, "every text you send I'm keeping for the police report."

    I know I've had a hard time letting go before but after all these months for him to still be trying with no success to me means there is something else going on that is not all right in his head.
    Helpful (1)
    Gemini54's Avatar
    Gemini54 Posts: 2,871, Reputation: 1116
    Ultra Member

    Aug 26, 2009, 09:39 PM
    I think that blocking the number is a great idea. Essentially he's stalking you and the only way to get rid of stalkers is to IGNORE them.

    Any response - positive or negative feeds their fantasy (whatever it is). Don't enage with him at all, act as if he doesn't exist. Any reaction on your part could be interpreted as 'interest', so cultivate a poker face.

    Let your friends know that he's stalking you and ask their assistance in getting him out of your way. Let your family and workplace also know so that they can keep an eye out for you.

    Try not to be out and about on your own if he's going to be around.

    File a report with the police so that it's on record that he's harassing you, even if it's not technically 'serious' at the moment.

    A definition from the web:

    The Rejected Suitor: Sometimes a partner rejected by their spouse or lover may vacillate between overtures of reconciliation and revenge. They have a narcissistic sense of entitlement and belief this is the only relationship they are going to have. More than 80% of rejected stalkers in a recent study had personality disorders. Therapeutic treatment of the rejected stalker involves helping him or her come to terms with the end of the relationship.
    Helpful (1)
    asking's Avatar
    asking Posts: 2,673, Reputation: 660
    Ultra Member

    Aug 26, 2009, 10:04 PM

    He is stalking you, and stalking is a crime in every state in the U.S.

    Stalking - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

    I would file a report and request a restraining order against him.

    I would take this seriously. I would assume you are risk of violence from this man. Why give him the benefit of the doubt? You owe this guy nothing and you are entitled to protect your body and your mind from this unceasing and possibly escalating harassment.

    I would also consult with the police about whether your brother should also file a restraining order since he's being bothered as well. Either that, or your brother needs to stand up to this creepy ex and tell him he's not welcome to "tag along" everywhere he goes and show up at parties.
    asking's Avatar
    asking Posts: 2,673, Reputation: 660
    Ultra Member

    Aug 26, 2009, 10:10 PM

    According to the U.S. Bureau of Justice:

    Stalking is defined as a course of conduct directed at a specific person that
    Would cause a reasonable person to feel fear. The [2006] Supplemental
    Victimization Survey (SVS).. . Classified individuals as stalking victims if they
    Responded that they experienced at least one of these
    Behaviors on at least two separate occasions. In addition,
    The individuals must have feared for their safety or that of a
    Family member as a result of the course of conduct, or have
    Experienced additional threatening behaviors that would
    Cause a reasonable person to feel fear.

    The SVS measured the following stalking behaviors:
    making unwanted phone calls
    sending unsolicited or unwanted letters or e-mails
    following or spying on the victim
    showing up at places without a legitimate reason
    waiting at places for the victim
    leaving unwanted items, presents, or flowers
    posting information or spreading rumors about the victim
    On the internet, in a public place, or by word of mouth.
    Helpful (1)
    roxypox's Avatar
    roxypox Posts: 1,028, Reputation: 328
    Ultra Member

    Aug 27, 2009, 08:56 AM

    Thank you so much everyone! This is really helpful to me! I live in Norway and I don't know what the laws are here, but I'm going to call this number the police have (where you can ask questions, report minor incidents etc.)

    I don't think I'm risking violence, but I am risking a sense of mental terror. He sent the message yesterday because I didn't answer the last one he sent 2.5 weeks ago.

    Gemini: the definition you have given.. I really feel that's spot on. Whenever he has gotten a chance to see me this summer.. even just passing me on the street he tells me how I'm the one and how he sees this now... blah, blah blah.

    He has a mental disorder and I got the in depth story from his sister last year. In 2005 he had a serious breakdown. He was diagnosed with a psychotic break and was really sick for almost 2 years... all of 2005 and 2006. When I met him in the summer of 2007 he was fine, but in January 2008 I started notecing that he was acting starngly... talking to himself. He could be playing the piano and then suddenly stop: laugh, talk to himself and continue

    and he has admitted that he has huge difficulties in separating reality from fantasy... and I def see this as such a case.

    what I did yesterday (and trust me I'm not sure if this was a good idea or not... ) but I sent him a mail on Facebook and told him to leave me alone. I don't want to hear from him, I don't want him in my life and he needs to accept this. I told him to not text me and that I will take some serious measures if he doesn't stop this.

    I don't know how he got my number... I've had some problems with my old phonenumber still existing and I don't know, to be quite honest if I'm still unlisted...

    oh, I have told my x that I am seeing someone... still he won't back away! :(

    Thank you for your support and advice it really means a lot to me!
    roxypox's Avatar
    roxypox Posts: 1,028, Reputation: 328
    Ultra Member

    Aug 27, 2009, 09:02 AM
    I have to admit that I am scared that he will mess up my life, and that he is going to show up outside my apartment... or try to fit into my life some how... like how he strated hanging out with my brother... he even asked my brother if he wanted to come along one weekend in may to my x's cabin...

    and once he couldn't get a hold of my brother he called our mom and asked for him.
    kctiger's Avatar
    kctiger Posts: 3,653, Reputation: 1319
    Ultra Member

    Aug 27, 2009, 09:07 AM

    You have encountered a stage 2 clinger and need to vacate immediately! ;)

    Block his number, file a protection order and be done with it. Sucks to know he is making life this difficult for you. What a creepy dude. I actually feel bad for the guy.
    Helpful (1)
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
    Uber Member

    Aug 27, 2009, 09:11 AM
    Hej!with his history of mental health problems I d be careful-talk to the police asap.I had a stalker years ago when I was living in my native Sweden and it took me months to get rid of him.good luck.lycka till.
    Helpful (1)
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
    Family & People Expert

    Aug 27, 2009, 09:28 AM

    I hate to say it, but getting a restraining order is a first step. He needs to know that even the authorities are telling him to stay away from you and that there's going to be a police record of his behavior. That should prove to him that his behavior is unacceptable.

    As for you, it's a good idea to try to contact your phone company to block him number, but it might not stop him from showing up at your door and stalking you. So just continue to ignore him. I know that you're in a really tough situation and I really hope that you can get out. But you got to stay strong and can't give him any attention.

    If you give him any attention whatsover, it will give him the impression that he has hope and he will continue his behavior because he will think that he has made some progress.

    Hopefully this problem will get resolved soon.
    asking's Avatar
    asking Posts: 2,673, Reputation: 660
    Ultra Member

    Aug 27, 2009, 09:40 AM

    I agree.
    - Restraining order.
    - Report the stalking behavior/harassment to the police.
    - Otherwise do not communicate with him at all.

    Also, here's a stalking resource center. They have a phone number you can call.
    Stalking Resource Center -- National Center for Victims of Crime - home

    They say that just ignoring the behavior will NOT make it go away. I would not recommend doing nothing. Many people are stalked for years and stalking tends to escalate over time. You don't want that!
    Helpful (1)
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,240, Reputation: 10824

    Aug 27, 2009, 10:10 AM
    Make sure your brother (and family) knows of this guys behavior, so they can watch your back!!

    That's all I can say, LEGALLY.
    roxypox's Avatar
    roxypox Posts: 1,028, Reputation: 328
    Ultra Member

    Aug 27, 2009, 11:07 AM

    I have talked to my mom, my aunt, my sister and 3 of my closest friends. I haven't talked to my brother yet.. cause there are only 2 possible outcomes. 1. he'll shrug it of cause he doesn't realize just how far out my x is... 2. he'll do something he'll regret.

    I talked to my phone company and asked about blocking his number, the man I talked to said that they were not able to block single numbers, they would make sure that my phone number is unlisted... they also advice that if it gets/is too bad at the moment I should go the police, also they could give me a new, unregistered number.

    I also asked my aunt for advice on this subject... and I haven't gotten o the police yet.

    I guess I'm just afraid they won't take me seriously... and when I looked over old mails that has been received and answered I kind of see that at one point I have been to soft...

    When he contacted me in May I didn't really think it was this serious or was going to continue, cause he had let me be since I saw him on December 26th (when I told him that I didn't want to talk to him, see him and I told him to get out of my face)... But it hasn't stopped and now I'm kind of scared that the police will be negative and say that I encourage this in some way...

    ASKING True, I don't think that ignoring it will make it go away either... I have ignored the last message... also when come to think of it I also think I got a message about 4-5 weeks ago that I didn't answer... and then the one 2.5 weeks ago that I didn't answer.
    roxypox's Avatar
    roxypox Posts: 1,028, Reputation: 328
    Ultra Member

    Aug 27, 2009, 11:09 AM
    but on the other hand my aunt told me that since I'm a woman, and he's an x with a history of mental illness that they'll more likely then not take it seriously! Which is comforting!
    Helpful (1)
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
    Family & People Expert

    Aug 27, 2009, 11:11 AM

    The police have the duty to take every call seriously. If you are scared that the police won't take you seriously, then approach them differently. Contact the police, explain them your situation and ask them what options you have. They might not be able to help you directly, but I'm sure they can provide you with some helpful advice. They should be able to present you with several options and you can decide how you want to proceed.

    Either way, make sure that you continue to ignore him. If he starts sending some abusive emails or text messages, then make sure you save them to show the police. That will be your proof.
    Helpful (1)
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,240, Reputation: 10824

    Aug 27, 2009, 11:22 AM

    If he shows up, call a cop, and stay behind locked doors.
    Helpful (1)
    roxypox's Avatar
    roxypox Posts: 1,028, Reputation: 328
    Ultra Member

    Aug 27, 2009, 11:45 AM
    The thing is, so far his texts haven't been abusive towards me, although I do find them intruding and over the line. In the oldest one I have saved on my phone from August the 13th he starts by writing; Hey, I just want to tell you that you are the hottest and most lovely person I've ever met. And that many things went wrong. A lot more then what your beauty and charm could have guessed or suggested and I have written so many letters that I have never sent to you about how much I want you and about how much I regret what I did... (blah, blah, on and on... )

    Okay so if this was the first time he said this.. well then I would not me offended... or angry or feel invaded.. I'd just ignore it and go on with my life. (I wouldn't be flattered either cause its still way to late to tell me that I'm the love of his life and he's sorry... )

    The problem is this message goes on and on and he just keeps repeating himself. ALSO this is the type of thing he has said to me in person every time he has gotten an opportunity to talk to me this summer (three occasions) he even managed to force himself passed my best friend and brother in April to tell me how beautiful I was, how sorry he was and how much he wanted to have a talk.

    Also the mails he has managed to send me... he just keeps repeating himself...

    LOl I'm sorry if I'm just going over the same stuff over and over... I think I'm just trying to comfort myself and to reassure myself that I have a good ground to react the way I do. And to go to the authorities...

    thank you all so much for your support, advice and for being here! I really appreciate it! :)
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
    Family & People Expert

    Aug 27, 2009, 11:49 AM

    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    If he shows up, call a cop, and stay behind locked doors.
    Had to spread rep.

    Good idea. Catch him in the act. Can't get any better evidence than that!

    Even if the texts aren't abusive, they are making you uncomfortable. That is enough. It's not 1 thing that will make the police believe you. It's an accumulation of things.

    Try your best not to think about him unless you absolutely have to. He's not worth your time.

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