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    Unfeigned18's Avatar
    Unfeigned18 Posts: 18, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Apr 14, 2019, 02:05 PM
    How do I leave home without my dads approval, but still maintain our relationship?
    I am 18 years old. I graduated high school with honors at the end of January 2019. I have been working for almost three months now and am ready to leave home. I have the support and approval of my mother, but not my dad's. I respect and honor my dad and I have been obedient to the rules of his household, but I am own person now and I am ready to move to a new stage of my life.

    I have done a lot of research on moving and the ins and outs and ups and downs, and am fully equipped. I am intelligent, mature, and more than capable.

    For the longest time I blamed myself for the past and present predicaments that is my life, and then I realized hey this isn't all my fault and I started blaming my family, and that wasn't right either. People aren't perfect and I can't fix them or life in general. I have learned that all I can do is accept them for them, and love them anyway, and the only thing/person I can truly change is myself and how I see the world. Of course saying this. I am 18 and I do not have to keep myself in a bad situation anymore.

    Moving out should just be a part of life. Yes parents miss their children but leaving home is part of growing up, and my dad refuses to see that and refuses to let me leave. He says I am forbidden to move out.

    My main concern is how will he react to my leaving?
    Will he still want a relationship with me? Will he still love me?
    Will he put his control over my siblings now that I won't be there?
    Will he hurt my mom for supporting me? Will he blame her?
    Will my dad go into a state of depression d hurt himself or my family?
    Will my dad destroy the house or any belongings of mine still there?
    Will my dad ever be able to forgive me?
    Will ever be welcomed back into my home town and child home with open arms and unconditional love?

    I want my dads approval and I know I won't get it. I want my dad to accept and love me, but he has made it clear that unless my thoughts, feelings, opinions, and beliefs, line up with his then I am wrong. I love him and my family with all my heart, and even the thought of moving away breaks my heart, but it is something that I have to do, and it is not like I am doing it alone.

    I refuse to move and do this behind my dads back. I am going to tell him my plans and everything once they are finalized and he can't ruin anything for me. I want him to be happy for me, but I just can't see that happening. How can I grow and become my own person, but still have a relationship with my dad. There are no boundaries and I do not even know how to begin to implicate one. I have always hated confrontation and would just always agree with him and do whatever my dad wanted to appease him, but in the mean time I lost myself, didn't stand up for myself, and I got hurt, and lost my voice.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,756, Reputation: 5426
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    #2

    Apr 14, 2019, 02:14 PM
    Many young people your age go off to college as the first separation from home. Maybe run you plan past us here, and we will tell you possible glitches and pitfalls.

    Is your father from a culture where the male parent rules the home, or, if not, why is he this way?
    Unfeigned18's Avatar
    Unfeigned18 Posts: 18, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Apr 14, 2019, 03:04 PM
    Am I being emotionally abused and controlled?
    I have never been one to blame others, but I am trying to figure out why I get so frustrated with me dad and why I never feel good about myself after I hang out with him.

    I had a really hard time in high school. I did not have any friends because I refused to conform to the other students expectations, I refused to be anyone other than myself, and I could not pretend to be interested in things that were really of no interest to me. I grew up getting bullied and picked on in school and was always the weird girl. I believe all of these things were huge contributing factors to the anxiety and depression that is now trying to wiggle its way into my life. As the years went on and I got into the higher grades of high school I could not even walk onto the school grounds without having a panic attack, or just burst out crying for no real reason. I found school becoming more stressful and I began to hate going to school. I found myself wanting to quit, but I am no quitter, so I looked for others ways of not needing to go to school, but do my work from home. I came up with the solution of online schooling, but my dad did not see it as real school, or normal school, and refused to believe that I could complete school online, and seemed to think that I would not get my diploma. It was my second to last year of school and I just needed to be done, but there was no way I was going to go through life without my diploma.

    My dad said I could trust him with anything, that he would listen to me, but he really didn't. My mom tried backing me up with online schooling, but caved under my dad's pressure. I ended up staying in school, but I only took the classes I really needed to graduate and took the easiest of all the classes to lower stress levels. I was on the verge of a mental breakdown, but I managed to graduate high school and with honors. But the only reason I was able to graduate early was because I took those easy classes and took online courses as well. When my dad had started to see how good I was doing in online school he wanted me to take more and more classes. He kept pressuring me to take more even though school was already more than I could handle. I refused to take more than I could take mentally and this really made him mad and I know I disappointed him, he made it very clear.

    When trying to do online classes though we took him to the teacher at my school who does online teaching to reassure him that I would still get my diploma and in return he was rude to the distance learning teacher. Really rude. He refused to listen and just sat there with scowl on his face and his arms crossed across his chest.

    We then went to see the school counsellor right after meeting with the distance learning teacher and he behaved the same way. When we went to leave he went back into the counsellors office without my mom and I sand spoke to the counsellor. I have no idea what he said, but he had the counsellor on his side now.

    I have been graduated and working for 3 months now and I found only a few a days ago that my dad still thinks I was trying to do online schooling so that I could quit. He still doesn't think online schooling is real school even with the proof put right under his nose.

    I wanted to get a job right after I graduated, because I was bored with nothing to do at home all day and I wanted to save money to move out on my own. I started to realize that a really big part of the depression was a critiquing father. I have been on anti-depressants and am in my control of my life than before, but that is not saying much considering how controlling he still is of me.

    I got a job cleaning apartments, the same apartments that he does maintenance for. I thought this was a good idea at the time but boy was I wrong. Now he stresses me out at work and home. He phones me at least once or twice a work day just to know exactly where I am. When I am trying to do my job he comes in tells me how to do it even though he is not my boss. My dad has become harsh not only with me, but my co worker, and keeps pushing me to be unkind to my coworker and take charge even though she technically has seniority over me and was put in charge of me by the manager. My dad is rough and not very compassionate.

    When I didn't have any friends, he told me to pretend to be interested in their interests. My dad didn't care that I had friends or not, he wanted me to be popular more than anything, because he was popular in high school. He told me I should be popular, because he was and I take after him.

    In the 8th grade I left for school early because I stopped by at the corner store to spend the $60 I had in my dresser on food for the poverty stricken and I knew if he knew I was going to spend my money there on someone other than myself he would not let me go. So I left early without explanation and he accused me of going out to meet a boy. Feeding the homeless and meeting a boy, yes those are two very similar things. Of course my dad didn't know that I was feeding the homeless, but he raised me better than to be off sneaking around with boys. He didn't trust me or even know me well enough to know that that is not something I would do.

    I care very much about people and I only want to help and be a blessing to those around me. Sometimes this means giving away money, or something that belongs to me. Sometimes it means me seeing someone in need and being brought to tears, but either way my gentleness and giving nature had gotten nothing but judgement from my dad. He says I am soft and too sensitive.

    My dad sometimes says mean things about my character, and when I say that was mean, I didn't like that he says I just need to learn to take a joke.

    I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to mend the relationship, but he doesn't want to admit there is anything to mend, and the other part of me just wants to cut him out of my life, but I really can't do that because I love him. I don't even know why I titled all of this, it is obvious that he does damage to my confidence, mental health, and overall being.
    I guess I just need to know that this is not all in my head, because whenever I try to have a real conversation with my dad he just turns everything I say around, points out all my faults, and at the end of him yelling at me, has me in complete tears and utter turmoil apologizing over and over again to him, and hating myself. This is not healthy and I have to leave. I just don't know how I can leave, I feel like it is up to me to protect my mom and my siblings.

    Please tell me am I really paranoid? Is this all just in my head?
    Unfeigned18's Avatar
    Unfeigned18 Posts: 18, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Apr 14, 2019, 03:14 PM
    My dad is not a different culture, my family is Canadian.
    I grew up in a supposedly Christian home, but my dad sees the Bible as a book of rules and regulations to follow, and he uses it to get what he wants.

    As for college, I just plan on working until I figure out what I want to do. I don't want to go to college until I have an idea of what to do.

    Right now I just want to focus on getting out if this house so that I won't feel the need to validate his abnormal behavior towards me and have the need to fix the problems in my dysfunctional family. If I stay I will end up like my mom, and she knows this and it is part of why she wants me to get out of this house and town to. My mom sleeps all day, she is always depressed, she cant leave the house without my dad keeping tabs on her, and nowadays she struggles to even do something as simple as walk down the street and visit my Nana and Grandpa.

    I have some ideas as to why my dad is the way he is, but the only people who really know who is, is God and himself. My dad doesn't talk to us about anything, he sees sharing your feelings and have feelings as a weakness.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,756, Reputation: 5426
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    #5

    Apr 14, 2019, 03:21 PM
    The in-thing nowadays is to take a gap year or two between h.s. and college. Get a job and figure out the next step such as what you want to do next, what career path to pursue. Would your dad accept that thinking?
    Unfeigned18's Avatar
    Unfeigned18 Posts: 18, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Apr 14, 2019, 03:46 PM
    Sure my dad would agree with that. But that isn't my problem.
    I have a job and I have money saved and I want to leave home, but I don't want to ruin my relationship with my dad over something as silly as me growing up and moving out into the world. I understand that people usually say just wait until you go to college or wait until you have finished high school. But I completed high school and don't plan on going to college anytime soon. So I don't understand what you are trying to unviel by asking these questions.

    I just want to be certain that I am not acting on a whim, or being crazy, and want advice on how to approach my dad about my decision on moving and protect my dad and my family from my dads angry and irrational outbursts.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,756, Reputation: 5426
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    #7

    Apr 14, 2019, 03:56 PM
    I thought you might still consider college in the future, thus my gap-year idea.

    You know your dad far, far better than I do. Is there a sibling you can strategize with, or maybe your mom? If he were my dad, I'd get my argument together, choose a time when he's most approachable, and present your case, carefully including how your doing this is for the family's benefit (one less to feed?) and is what young people your age do.

    If you stay home, what would he expect you to do? How long would he want you to live at home?
    Unfeigned18's Avatar
    Unfeigned18 Posts: 18, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Apr 14, 2019, 04:00 PM
    I guess if I stay home he'd expect me to continue to do what h always expects of me. He expects to agree with him. Go everwhere he goes. Make his decisions for him and do my chores. I don't have a problem with my chores it is everything else. Also the gap year idea is not bad it just does not apply to my current sitution right now.
    Unfeigned18's Avatar
    Unfeigned18 Posts: 18, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Apr 14, 2019, 04:21 PM
    Also to answer your question my dad doesn't ever want me to leave home, he doesn't ever want me to marry, and doesn't seem to ever want me to have children. He said I can leave home when I am 50
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,859, Reputation: 10852
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    #10

    Apr 14, 2019, 04:50 PM
    Take your time to find the courage to take the steps toward being who YOU want to be and what you want to do. Save your money make your plan, then do it. Succeed or fail, that's what life is about. We all go through that transition from child to adult, and we all decide when we are ready to be that adult who makes those decisions and lets the chips fall where they may and deal with them.

    I felt the same way your dad does, his baby girl should never leave but in the end I had to accept it was not my call, it was hers. Now he can be bitter, or he can accept it over time. That's HIS choice, not yours. Make your own choices and live by them. Are you perhaps the oldest?
    Unfeigned18's Avatar
    Unfeigned18 Posts: 18, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Apr 14, 2019, 07:24 PM
    Yes I am the oldest out of my siblings and I.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,756, Reputation: 5426
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    #12

    Apr 14, 2019, 07:48 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Unfeigned18 View Post
    Also to answer your question my dad doesn't ever want me to leave home, he doesn't ever want me to marry, and doesn't seem to ever want me to have children. He said I can leave home when I am 50
    Is this just him being oppositional, or does he know something about your health or whatever? I'm especially wondering about the no-marriage and no-kids thing. Does he says this about your siblings or just you?
    Unfeigned18's Avatar
    Unfeigned18 Posts: 18, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Apr 14, 2019, 08:28 PM
    Is this just him being oppositional, or does he know something about your health or whatever? I'm especially wondering about the no-marriage and no-kids thing. Does he says this about your siblings or just you?


    Physically I am healthy. I did have some mental health problems before, because high school was really hard for me and I did not feel same there because of past problems such as bullying and sexual harassment and so finishing high school had become a priority. In reality though my dad has always been abnormally harsh with me and I think that he hols some sort of subconscious resent towards me, but none of the past before my birth was my fault. My dad was married before my mom and h has two older sons both in the 20s. His ex wife was a really terrible person and he tried to stay connected to his boys, but at some point he had to choose between fighting for them or protecting me and my siblings that came after. Sometimes I wonder if deep down he has some hate towards me for making him have to choose. Now we see one of brothers around town here or there and every boxing day, but he is always aloof. My second eldest brother on the other hand actually disowned my dad, and I know that that has something to do with how he treats me. I think he has a fear of me disowning him too, but I would and could never. I love him so much, but I can't let his fear keep me from living. I understand his heart more than he knows though and I want to be gentle and make the move as smooth as possible on him, but he a tendency to become very aggressive and angry when things don't go his way.

    As for the no kids and marriage thing. I honestly just think that he and any dad alike does not want some man to take their daughter from them in any shape or form and having kids means that my husband and I had sex, and that would probably be a bummer to him, but that is life. As for my other siblings my 16 year old sister would like a boyfriend, but she doesn't go out anywhere like ever. She literally goes to school and then comes home and plops her butt down on the couch and watches youtube all day. Plus she never wants to have kids, because having children is painful. She is convinced that if she were to have children it would be through adoption. My 15 year old brother is intelligent but due to a brain injury does not tend to think the same way as the average 15 year old boy and doesn't seem to care about girls or babies. My brother still acts like girls have cooties. I am the most out-going out of three of us.

    Just to be clear though I am on a very low dosage of anti-depressants because I was more anxious than anything, and have not had any major episodes since high school. To be honest the high school was a major trigger and unsafe environment to me.

    Another thing is that people before have told me to just wait until I am 19 or older to move out, but my dad being my dad would act the same way. It is not like I am doing anything wrong by moving out. I am not doing it to hurt him or my family, and I am not doing to go and live like some sort of party girl or something. I brought up in Christian household, where I was taught to never have boys in my room, unless they were family and even then to keep the door open. I was raised very well. I was raised to be respectful of adults and authority figures. I was taught to not say anything unkind about someone. I was taught to forgive if I was wronged. I was taught many valuable lessons in life, and a lot of my morals and beliefs are reflections of my upbringing. I never swear, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I don't party, I don't have pre-marital sex, I don't date without the intent of marriage, I don't go around kissing boys, I stay out of drama the best I can, and I dress modestly. Not many 18 year olds can say that.


    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,756, Reputation: 5426
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    #14

    Apr 14, 2019, 08:47 PM
    Thank you for sharing all that. I suspect he's worried he'll lose you like he lost his sons. I get the feeling he loves you very much, his first daughter, to the point he's hurting you AND himself. Does he show his affection, or is he pretty tightly wound (afraid to)?
    Unfeigned18's Avatar
    Unfeigned18 Posts: 18, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Apr 14, 2019, 09:19 PM
    He is definitely tightly wound. He doesn't like to share his feelings and I have noticed that the only time he seems to tell me he loves me is when he says something or does something that hurts me. To be a honest a major part of his affection seems to come from fear of rejection rather than genuine love, which I can understand, but it still hurts my heart. My dad won't cry in front of anyone the only time I ever saw him cry was when he had kidney stones, but even then he saw crying as a sign of weakness, which is just so untrue. In my opinion if a guy can cry in front of women and other men then that means they are confident, human, are in touch with themselves, are sensitive, open, and makes them appear stronger than them walking away and acting irrationally, because they don't want to be seen as weak.


    I know that my dad loves me very much, and I really love him, but he is suffocating me to the point where I am getting beyond frustrated and am starting to resent him, and I don't want that. There are times in the past when I was much younger and even in the past recent months where he would mutter under his breath that he would just wish that I would leave. That really hurt and with all the other things said to me by both my parent in the past that really just breaks my heart, and I keep trying to put the past beyond me, and every time I forgive, he does or says things that are the same or similar to past hurts, and it is just too much. I want to work things out, but it is really difficult working things out with someone who won't even admit there is something wrong.


    I had held onto all of this for like the past nine years which I know to be one of the main contributing factors to the depression, anxiety, and high levels of stress that had almost consumed me. I do not blame them, but I also do not want to blame myself. After all we are human and we make mistakes, it just all a learning curve.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,859, Reputation: 10852
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    #16

    Apr 15, 2019, 08:48 AM
    Time to let go of past events and resentments and plot a course of growth and fulfillment. You cannot control anyone's actions but your own, and you never know what will happen tomorrow. So don't get stuck because of the unknown. Build a life that you enjoy, you deserve that opportunity.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,756, Reputation: 5426
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    #17

    Apr 15, 2019, 09:50 AM
    I wonder if losing his sons has made him this way, especially if he used to enjoy his life and wasn't bitter. I agree with what Tal has said. When you leave, it would be good if you stay in touch with your dad (and family) by mail and phone, let him know how your life is going, and always be sure to tell him you love him.
    Unfeigned18's Avatar
    Unfeigned18 Posts: 18, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Apr 15, 2019, 10:43 PM
    Thank you all of these answers are very helpful.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,756, Reputation: 5426
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    #19

    Apr 16, 2019, 08:34 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Unfeigned18 View Post
    Thank you all of these answers are very helpful.
    We wish you the best! Please let us know how you (and Dad) are doing.
    waltero's Avatar
    waltero Posts: 68, Reputation: 5
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    #20

    Apr 16, 2019, 09:33 AM
    How do I leave home without my dads approval
    You can Run with that. Chances, you will alienate yourself in the process.
    Don't move out simply for the sake of moving out. Put yourself in a position where it doesn't look like your just running away.




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