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    kc1967's Avatar
    kc1967 Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Nov 9, 2006, 08:33 AM
    How could true love like this want a break
    Well here goes. My girlfriend of 3 years has recently decided that she wants to take a break. She is 22 years old now and me 24 and we have been on and off with each other since she was 15 and I 17. We didnít make the relationship a real thing until these last 3 years and it was good for a while.

    The long and the short of it was that I am the only guy she has ever been with and she had been desperately in love with me holding onto a relationship in which I reciprocated no affection. I was boring at times and enjoyed spending time with my friends more than I did her. Up until last week I would have told you that no matter what I did she would never have left me. I kidded myself into believing that she wouldnít leave me and that I didnít want her as she was head over heels in love with me. Now that she has decided to take a break my feelings have done exactly what I thought they were incapable of doing. They have shown themselves to me allowing me to feel the reality of my feelings for her.

    I know that if I were given another chance that I wouldnít dare keep it the way it was. I am inspired at the thought of being this new guy for her but at the same time saddened not knowing if I will have the chance of showing her. She knows I'm capable as she saw it for a while. She got tired of it not being there anymore after time and me treating her as if I was with her for convenience. I told her how I truly feel a few days after we decided to take a break. She was impressed but she still said that she didnít want to be in a relationship right now. I donít know how after all those years she couldnít breathe without me now she decides my crap was enough. She always told me that she just wanted me to be affectionate and gentle with her and that she would never want anyone else but me. But when I tell her that it can be that way now and will be different she just doesnít think she wants it right now.

    She has also said that she isnít interested in dating anyone else and sheís not the wild type to go out and just pick up another guy in the least. She is going out a bunch now having fun with new friends. I donít know what sheís asking for but I feel she resents all the times I pushed her away and told her to give me space and possibly have her see other people to which she was never interested in doing. Now all of a sudden she wants to be single for a while. Iím devastated and believe that we could get back together for sure but am afraid if being too long. I have plenty of girls that I can date and have no problems finding new ones but I just am not interested. I want to win her back and make this right as I know I can be the right guy she needs.

    Below is what she wrote me in our last round of contact about a week ago. Please anyone able to shed some light on this situation?

    "Thank you for that email, being with you again is something i would
    always looks at as a possibility. I dont know why i feel the way i do
    right now. I just feel like i dont want to be in a relatioship and it
    has nothing to do with my feelings towards you. I've cared about you
    since I was 15 and nothing will change that. I just feel like its not
    the right time to be in a relationship. I never wanted to hurt your
    feelings and i am sorry if i did. I remember when you called me up 6
    years ago to tell me we weren't gonna see each other anymore...you told
    me that it woudn't mean forever and that is something i want you to
    hear as well...I know that you are someone i want to always have in my
    life and at the right time possibly be with again..
    -morgan xoxo"
    SnakeDoctor's Avatar
    SnakeDoctor Posts: 13, Reputation: 3
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    #2

    Nov 9, 2006, 08:59 AM
    You've grown accustom to her being in love with you for so long and now that it suddenly stops you are pretty much stuck in a hole you dug yourself. Like the old saying goes "you never know what you got til it's gone".

    Now it's possible you are only feeling this newly discovered affection for her all the wrong reasons and if she were to give it another try you may find yourself feeling exactly the same once the initial buzz wears off.

    It sounds like she finally reached her limit, if she was constantly knocking on your door but kept getting turned away by you then it's no surprise she's lost interest. You've tried to give her what she wants but it looks real bad on your end by doing this all of a sudden now. A likely reason as to why she is refusing you now is because you've given her the impression that you really don't know what you want leading her to start second guessing her feelings for you and your true intentions.

    It's best you respect her space right now and don't pressure her about anything regarding the both of you. If she feels she can trust you then she may come around but that's all on her and it may take any amount of time for her to figure that out. You should reflect on how you would feel if things were reversed but don't beat yourself up over it. What's done is done and you should just respect her decision and who knows perhaps later on you'll work things out.

    Also she's at the age where a lot of people go into the "finding yourself" phase which usually lead to a lot of "breaks" for relationships.
    gansada's Avatar
    gansada Posts: 48, Reputation: 2
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    #3

    Nov 9, 2006, 09:10 AM
    I agrre with da sanke doc.

    She is tierd of being turn down, when she comes knockn' on your door.

    You now realize that you have feelings for her.

    And maybe she doesn't for you.

    But hey come on, i mean she might just need time to think about how long she can go with you.

    Think bout it!?!

    Give her some space. Girls like to think what thier next move is.

    Hoped i helped!

    Peace!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,304, Reputation: 10854
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    #4

    Nov 9, 2006, 01:56 PM
    She ask for space ,give it to her and leave her alone. Let her find herself with no pressure from you.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #5

    Nov 9, 2006, 02:33 PM
    You took her for granted. Not good. Stale.

    + at 20 - she needs to date other people.

    This really wasn't true love if she wanted out.

    You messed up - STOPPED paying attention to her - of course she left.

    Please for the love of god - do not contact her for at least 2 months - nothing! Leave her alone. Maybe by then she has a change of hear - but I doubt it.

    I would work on me right now. Improve yourself - make yourself better!!
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #6

    Nov 9, 2006, 02:34 PM
    Yep no pressure from you - leave her alone - not contact - no e-mails - no text.
    chuff's Avatar
    chuff Posts: 3,397, Reputation: 1235
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    #7

    Nov 9, 2006, 02:56 PM
    Hey Wildcat, I've actually got a question about this situation if you don't mind.

    In theory KC did everything right by not paying too much attention to her. Unlike most people, including myself, where they come on so hard that it's needy he apparently was the opposite of that. So I guess my question is why did it not work in this situation? Was it the age? Her desire to see other people before settling down? I think I'm missing something because it appears he made her work for it and he came up short.

    For KC, for the record I agree with everyone else, you must give her the space and make her miss you. I'm not disputing what you must do now, just wondering exactly what you did wrong to get to this spot.
    Skell's Avatar
    Skell Posts: 1,863, Reputation: 514
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    #8

    Nov 9, 2006, 02:57 PM
    Sounds like a similar situation to the one I found myself in about 7 months ago.

    And I have to be blunt here and tell you the truth. For all intents and purposes it is over and she most probably won't be coming back.

    You have to try and move on now. You have to completely cut contact wit her and begin to work on yourself.

    It is good that you have recognised your faults and how you contributed to the downfall of this relationship. GOOD!

    Im glad you can identify that and I really hope you have learnt your lesson. It is a hard lesson to learn isn't it? A very painful one, but one you needed none the less. You will look back one day and be glad she did this to you as you will be such a changed person.

    Read my thread. Very similar situation.

    She needs to be young. She needs to go and have fun.

    You can't stop it and you can't control it.

    All you can do is control your actions. And here is what I advise your actions be. It will be the best for you and for her.

    Completely cut all contact. It will be hard but you must do it. Crying, pleading, begging, emails, letters etc will NOT bring her back. I know! Please don't contact her.

    You need to find other things to do now. Hang with buddies (you say you like to anyway), workout at the gym, run, work hard at your job, improve yourself. Do anything possible to take your mind off her.

    But you must accept that it is over and begin your healing process. It begins with grieving. So grieve. Cry do whatever. But not to her. Your friends and family can help you there.

    So NO CONTACT from now on. Work on you.

    Give her some space and what she wants and perhaps she will miss you but I don't think so. It is over and time to move on.

    Good luck and keep us posted!
    Skell's Avatar
    Skell Posts: 1,863, Reputation: 514
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    #9

    Nov 9, 2006, 03:01 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by chuff
    Hey Wildcat, I've actually got a question about this situation if you don't mind.

    In theory KC did everything right by not paying to much attention to her. Unlike most people, including myself, where they come on so hard that it's needy he apparently was the opposite of that. So I guess my question is why did it not work in this situation? Was it the age? Her desire to see other people before settling down? I think I'm missing something because it appears he made her work for it and he came up short.

    For KC, for the record I agree with everyone else, you must give her the space and make her miss you. I'm not disputing what you must do now, just wondering exactly what you did wrong to get to this spot.
    Wildcat will correct me if I'm wrong but it is about finding the BALANCE between too much attention and none at all.

    You can't be a completely selfish ar$e who doesn't give her anything. No one will put up with that forever. But alternatively you can't be clingy and over attentive.

    Balance is the key!

    And yes, her age comes into it. She is young and women for some reason don't seem to like being ties down throughout there entire youth. They seem to think they are missing something. At least my ex did. She needed to have a wildgirl stage. And she is I think. She is hanging with 19 year old. Going out dancing and partying. Something that never really interested her. Her interest was me.

    Age does come into it for sure.

    But sometimes people just want out and no matter what you do or did won't change it. It is just a sad fact of relationships and something we all have to accept and learn from.

    But as I said they are hard and painful lessons to learn.
    Skell's Avatar
    Skell Posts: 1,863, Reputation: 514
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    #10

    Nov 9, 2006, 03:04 PM
    You just need to have a life outside them but when you are with them treat them right.

    BALANCE is such a great word. I love it when talking about relationships. It is just so imperative.

    Think about all the questions we get here and over 50% would come from people who are struggling in their relationship because they have been described as clingy or their partner is clingy.

    They are always questions about people rushing into things. Not having another life.

    They nearly all relate back to not having balance in the relationship.
    ordinaryguy's Avatar
    ordinaryguy Posts: 1,790, Reputation: 596
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    #11

    Nov 9, 2006, 03:39 PM
    "I feel she resents all the times I pushed her away and told her to give me space and possibly have her see other people"

    Well, duh! Now that the shoe is on the other foot, you see how it feels. You've been together since you were children and you've treated each other in childish ways. You may yet work it out, but not without a lot of growing up by both of you. Give her the space to do her growing up and use the time to do yours.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,304, Reputation: 10854
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    #12

    Nov 9, 2006, 05:17 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ordinaryguy
    "I feel she resents all the times I pushed her away and told her to give me space and possibly have her see other people"

    Well, duh! Now that the shoe is on the other foot, you see how it feels. You've been together since you were children and you've treated each other in childish ways. You may yet work it out, but not without a lot of growing up by both of you. Give her the space to do her growing up and use the time to do yours.
    This is a great answer to a lot of questions. When teenagers go from puberty to young adults they change and if any one has noticed this is an age for self discovery at the expense of those very young relationship. No matter how mature they may think they are, or how much in love, the need to explore and find what's in the world has love on the back burner, especially if one is going to college or to different colleges. The problem comes when the one partner is left behind and has invested so much of themselves that they get lost in the shuffle and have not grown and have no clue who they are. Just my take on things.
    Skell's Avatar
    Skell Posts: 1,863, Reputation: 514
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    #13

    Nov 9, 2006, 05:21 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman
    This is a great answer to a lot of questions. When teenagers go from puberty to young adults they change and if any one has noticed this is an age for self discovery at the expense of those very young relationship. No matter how mature they may think they are, or how much in love, the need to explore and find whats in the world has love on the back burner, especially if one is going to college or to different colleges. The problem comes when the one partner is left behind and has invested so much of themselves that they get lost in the shuffle and have not grown and have no clue who they are. Just my take on things.
    This was me. My life. My relationship. Me.

    So scary!!

    But I don't think you can ever really avoid this. It happens. Unless you go through young adulthood refusing to follow your emotions then this will happen. I was never clingy. In fact maybe a little like this poster. Selfish and oblivious. It is what you learn from it and take to the next phase of your life that is most important!

    So don't let this learning opportunity pass or it would have been a complete waste!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,304, Reputation: 10854
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    #14

    Nov 9, 2006, 06:35 PM
    I think as Skell has pointed out Balance is a very important thing to have.
    gansada's Avatar
    gansada Posts: 48, Reputation: 2
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    #15

    Nov 9, 2006, 07:33 PM
    Man! It is all bout the truth between you guys.

    Simple!

    Hoped i helped!

    Peace!
    kay13's Avatar
    kay13 Posts: 103, Reputation: 22
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    #16

    Nov 10, 2006, 04:16 AM
    I know how your girlfriend feels, I've been there. Everyone has their limits. You pushed her to her limit. You as good as said 'I can treat her how I want, she'll still love me' How arrogant. I hope you learn.
    Geoffersonairplane's Avatar
    Geoffersonairplane Posts: 1,195, Reputation: 286
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    #17

    Nov 10, 2006, 05:42 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Skell
    And yes, her age comes into it. she is young and women for some reason dont seem to like being ties down throughout there entire youth. they seem to think they are missing something. at least my ex did. She needed to have a wildgirl stage. And she is i think. she is hanging with 19 year old. going out dancing and partying. something that never really interested her. Her interest was me.

    Age does come into it for sure.

    But sometimes people just want out and no matter what you do or did wont change it. It is just a sad fact of relationships and something we all have to accept and learn from.

    But as i said they are hard and painful lessons to learn.
    For sure, my ex is 20 and she decided to breakup with me, I am 26. Age is a factor, my ex never had the chance to do the wildgirl thing and she is very outgoing and the party time.. Too young for a serious relationship, she even said she was too young to be tied down.. She missed out on something I did not, so I can kind of understand. There were other factors though but this is an important one not to be ignored.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #18

    Nov 10, 2006, 10:25 AM
    Chuff - I think he stopped paying attention completely - A gal will get very annoyed if he keeps going gout with his friends. I was to selfish it sounds like.

    I mean - being busy - doing other things etc. - very important. But you also need to take them out. Call - a couple times a week - But, don't stay on the phone for an hour.

    You play too unavaialble and it will push them away as well.

    BALANCE - was on of our key words from a few months ago.

    You guys hit on the head about being too young.

    PLUS - these seeing someone thorughout your teens rarely seems to work these days when the GAL hits 20.

    I strongly believe someone should date a lot - and that doesn't mean sleeping around.
    Geoffersonairplane's Avatar
    Geoffersonairplane Posts: 1,195, Reputation: 286
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    #19

    Nov 10, 2006, 11:12 AM
    I don't think many people know what they want when they are young, specifically, age 16 - 22 and this should be a time about growing and learning about the self.

    I did all this when I was 17, I spent 5 years just exploring then I met my ex at 17, spent 3 years with her and she wanted a split because she missed out on what I did not. I am not a selfish person in general but I can see how selfish it would be if I could not understand that she wanted something that all young people should have at that age - - - FREEDOM!

    But now I am free as well, and so many of us who are left behind don't realise that the positive aspect of the breakup is that it gives us time to rediscover who we are again, work on ourselves...

    Call Time Out and forget her and focus on YOU!

    Easier said than done, I know and I am preaching what I find hard to poach myself!
    kc1967's Avatar
    kc1967 Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #20

    Nov 16, 2006, 10:40 AM
    Is there hope here?
    I posted here not to long ago talking about how I took my girlfriend of 3 years for granted for too long until she finally had enough and said farewell. My arrogance pushed her away and now I'm stuck with the bed I made. It has been a little over a month since we decided to take the time off from each other and have had minimal contact since.

    She was very clingy and very much in love with me and I selfishly did not reciprocate her feelings at all. So our final discussion consisted of her telling me that there was a good chance for us in the future (about 6 months) but she just didn't want to be in a relationship right now but didn't want to stop seeing me to which I said it would be better if we just didn't see each other at all because I didn't know that I could handle it. I later called her and told her I was speaking without thought and would keep my heart open to her as long as possible but still thought we shouldn't see each other and that was the last we spoke for a few weeks.

    She was very close to my family and my sister still sees her out and about every so often to whom she opens up too. Well my sister ran into her and her best friend last week. My sister told me that the conversation was light and optimistic. My sister asked my ex if she loved me and would like to be with me again someday to which she replied yes. My sister then proceeded to ask her why we didn't just lightly date each other for a little while to see where this could take us. My ex responded "because he won't do that". She also said to my sister that she wasn't seeing anyone nor is she interested too. She isn't a wild girl in the least. My ex later excused herself to the bathroom and her best friend told my sister how my ex won't stop talking about me. The friend also noted how much of an a-hole her friends and family thought I was to her but knew how much she cared for me.

    Everyone told me to do the no call thing as that would make her miss me or not in time giving me the opportunity to move on. Well due to the information I got from my sister I decided to call her and tell her I didn't want to remove her completely from my life and would be interested in taking her on some dates no strings attached. She said that she would like to as long as I didn't have any expectations for us to get back together at all or get angry if it wasn't soon enough, nonetheless she eagerly agreed to when we spoke Tuesday. She mentioned that she could take Friday off work but sounded hesitant to because she's taken it off so much recently. I told her not to worry about Friday and to let me know when would be best for her. I asked her if she wanted me to call her or she wanted to call me to tell me when we could go out. She said she would call me and let me know. Hopefully it should be in the next two or three days.

    My family knows how much she loved me and continues to tell me that if I do this right and do not pressure her in the least and show her who I can really be that she will be mine again. Not sure when but sure.

    I have made a list of the things that I did/did not do for her which caused her to leave in the first place. I didn't show her affection, I never told her how much I appreciated her; I never wanted to go out with her. All reasons I can understand why she left. I want to do these things with her now more than ever and can't understand how I didn't before.

    I'm thinking that on our date that I will address these things and tell her how these are the things I am already in the process of changing to make myself a better person, one that she could possibly want to be involved with again.

    What makes this whole thing sincere is I am going to be the guy she wanted. I want to be this guy. I want to show her the affection she so much desired. Whether I get back with her or not, no woman in my life will ever be treated as she was again.

    Does this sound like there is hope? Any advice on the situation at hand or for the first/all dates ectÖ.

    Thanks

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