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    expat41's Avatar
    expat41 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Jul 5, 2014, 03:14 AM
    How to continue
    Seem to have gotten into a.love triangle. Was with a girl and her child for 5 years, we split as I had financial troubles and lost everything. Went through bankruptcy, met her again 7 months later and feelings were there.. both sides.
    She is 39, I am 40 and she has a 64 year old boyfriend, her former tennis trainer. We met, she cried said she missed me, still loved me. Met her child and the relationship was like it always had bybeen. The kid wouldn't let me.go when it was.time.to.go.and cried for me.to.come home. She has a very dominant mother and father who live in an apartment next to hers, they're best friends with the old tennis teacher and they hate me which I understand. The financial.situation was a burden for all and they're wealthy.
    We kept up daily contact but in January, she left their home and moved in with her 64 year old. Two months later she is living with me for 4 happy months. The relationship between the old man and her kid wasn't good.. She wanted a family life. Now she goes dancing with the old guy every weekend and spends the night at his while I have her kid. The jealousy is killing me, people are.asking me what's going on all the time. Sometimes she goes to.school with him and the kid, other days I bring the kid.
    I asked her to stop hurting me and she said I have a choice l, accept it that he is her fun and I am her family or throw it away.
    I love her kid, she calls me.dad. Not saying she is at fault, just not sure what to.do. Don't think I could handle.seeing her kid after the relationship which she said I could. She says the.other guy is happy now with just social life and I am.trying to lock her in and take.her freedom. Just no idea where I am or.what to.do.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #2

    Jul 5, 2014, 03:47 AM
    You 'continue' by accepting that you can't change her, and deciding whether to keep a painful relationship or suffer the pain of loss. I would take the loss. I wouldn't want someone who goes out gallavanting each weekend with an 'old guy' of 64 (I'm 67) and wants her cake and her cupcake too. And it isn't fair to the child! I'd spend more time telling the child that you will always care about her.

    Telling her to stop hurting you shows that you don't get the fundamental concept that we don't 'do' things to other people; we do them to ourselves. She was spot on in her response. She's not even begging you to accept her. She's saying accept or leave. So leave.
    expat41's Avatar
    expat41 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #3

    Jul 5, 2014, 04:01 AM
    Yea, seems as though I have to.choose.pain a or pain b. Thank you and sorry about the old bit, not my intention to insult anyone... other.than him. It just gets under my skin that he looks so much older than 64 and she looks much younger than 39 and this.is my family. He is only interested in the young woman, not the rest. People really did think he was her dad at the start and I have been the brunt of a few jokes about my masculinity and why she decided to.go.out with an.older man as you can imagine in a small town. Still love her though :)
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,103, Reputation: 10852
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    #4

    Jul 5, 2014, 07:03 AM
    Dude you are a free babysitter, either raise your rates or get out of her life and get your own. Too bad you cannot separate your feeling for her, and love the child, but have your own life. She has a life of her own that doesn't include you so the issue is how YOU deal with your own feelings.

    You definitely need a life that you enjoy without her, even if it means leaving her kid alone.
    derwon25's Avatar
    derwon25 Posts: 33, Reputation: 1
    Junior Member
     
    #5

    Jul 5, 2014, 09:28 AM
    To be honest and precise moving on seems the only wise options that I see to the problem because no real relationship can survive with just one partner making all the adjustments and sacrifices, it has got to be a two way process otherwise eventually down the line someday you WILL feel cheated as after all the emotional investment you have made in this relationship you won't get anything in return, its like being robbed off. And this is a fact that we get into a relationship when we seek SOMETHING from the other end, that something might be anything like love,care or understanding which in your face isin't getting sufficed as I can feel so for how long will you pull it just on your shoulder? She is already taking out the best of you and you are not getting anything more but becoming more and more closer to a kind of not-forever thing that is going to hurt you later if you become addicted. Living alone with dignity is a much better choice anyday that being with someone who doesn't care more so the sooner you move out the better, cause your attachment with the baby will only grow day by day and vice versa and that is not permanent in perspective. So stay strong and move on.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #6

    Jul 5, 2014, 10:05 AM
    While the adults in this mess are trying to figure out 'who's on first', the most important factor of all is entirely missed.

    What about the child??

    She is with you, she's not with you, she's with her new daddy, she's not with her new daddy, she's been put through HELL, and you are wondering what to do?

    I realize this child is not yours, but you have raised her for five years, and I assume those were the most formative years. I assume she is around 8 or so? She is old enough to accept some sort of answer as to your role in her life.

    Time to put your big boy pants on and make some judgment calls that are good for this little girl once and for all.

    Stop immediately seeing the mother, at this child's expense. Every time you spend time with her, she is hanging by a thread that there will be a next time, and she's already aware that a 'next time' may never come, as has happened in the past.

    What is best for this child, is the only thing that matters. Her being a ping pong ball between several grown adults, is NOT good for her development, self esteem or confidence. Stop using her, to keep ties with the mother, and the mother needs to put her daughter first, and not use you, at the expense of her daughter.

    Get out, and stay out. If you have an opportunity, please let that child know that you won't be around to take her to school, or to babysit any longer, and that those arrangements have to be made by her mother. Harsh? It's awful! To say those words to a kid is heartbreaking. But what's worse- keeping her wondering who's going to stick around?

    Do not let yourself be drawn back into any sort of obligation or relationship to your ex. That part of your life is over. No contact, no texts, no Facebook, no email, no phone calls- nothing.

    The kindest thing you can do in my opinion, as you have no legal options that I'm aware of, is to back away gently, and get on with your life.

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