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    chuff's Avatar
    chuff Posts: 3,397, Reputation: 1235
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    #1

    Jan 24, 2007, 09:40 PM
    How come single men fall for emtional games from single women but not married ones?
    Okay this was brought up in another post by Wildcat. I didnít want to take away from the original poster but this has been on my mind all day and I just want to get some other feedback on it. The OP was a mistress and as WC points out weíve been seeing a lot of that here lately. Hereís what WC said..

    Quote Originally Posted by Wildcat21
    How do so many women get mixed up wit hmarried men????

    Not many guys get mixed up with married women - AND if they do they know it's just for sex.

    I HAVEN'T READ ONE POST here about a guy who is mixed up mentally, confused because he is dating a MARRIED women.
    EXACTLY! Wildcat is dead on correct. But my question is why? It almost seems like it should be the other way around.

    I donít think itís any secret that women are better at reading, using, and applying emotions then men are. Women are emotional and use that to their advantage over men. This board is field with men who get caught up being played by women and there emotional games. I know I myself have been caught more than once. I am also a highly sensitive male.

    Yet I would never get involved with a married woman. Even for me and some of the situations Iíve been in where I was thinking emotionally and not rationally I realize there is a limit. Marriage is a limit.

    So I guess my question is how can such a large number of women who should be more emotionally aware of a married manís intentions because of their higher acuteness to emotional games and situations get caught up in this problem?

    Then on the flip side, why do men, quite honestly like myself very emotional, and some of the other posters here who are just not as emotional as me but still men. In other words they have no advantage over reading a woman emotionally like a woman can read a man. Why are men not caught up in this situation where the women is cheating and he is blinded so much he canít see whatís going on. Because if you look at our male posters, many of them are blinded by a womanís emotional games and even know sheís having relations with other guys but they act like the mistresses do. The only difference is their isnít a marriage involved.

    God I hope this makes some kind of sense. In my brain it makes perfect sense, or at least my question does but Iím not sure Iím translating it here well.

    In short my question is why isnít this the other way around, why do emotionally ďscarceĒ men not fall for this and emotionally ďintelligentĒ women do on such a great number?
    Bluerose's Avatar
    Bluerose Posts: 1,521, Reputation: 310
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    #2

    Jan 26, 2007, 09:43 AM
    Not sure I understand what you are getting at. But after my divorce in 1991, I went out with a married man for five years, he was separated from his wife. Then one day out of the blue he turned around and said they were getting back together! I didn't feel much of anything except a fool. I was so mad at him and at myself that I skipped the emotional woe-me stuff. I just accepted it, he was hers. I never got involved with another married man!

    If you make your question clearer I might have a better answer. Lol
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
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    #3

    Jan 26, 2007, 09:57 AM
    I think the reasons are far more subtle. I believe the men are far more connected to how wrong it is, partly because they know THEY are wrong. And like it or not, I think men are much better geared at avoiding being responsible for things that are wrong in a relationship. LOL They would not open themselves to the criticism as the women almost blindly do. Women are used to being criticised, we do it to each other as a normal part of daily discourse. Also, it may very well be that married women simply don't solicit affairs in the same fashion as married men do, as predominantly an ego boost and source for sex while holding out the lure of a real relationship to their lover. And to compound it, I don't think men and women view marriage the same as a general rule. The single man is not geared to plead for the married woman to leave her rotten spouse and marry him. Just typing it out here sounds strange, does it not? The statistics support those theories more than anything when you really look at it. I know when I was in a troubled marriage, the last thing I wanted was another complication and it was an open marriage too.

    Good question Chuff! I look forward to what others may add too. Thanks.
    NeedKarma's Avatar
    NeedKarma Posts: 10,635, Reputation: 1706
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    #4

    Jan 26, 2007, 10:16 AM
    I think it may be simpler that all that: women are looking for that knight in shining armour and men are looking for some sexual variety.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #5

    Jan 26, 2007, 10:21 AM
    Actually... I think it's because guys aren't as catty and backstabbing as women are. If a girl belongs to another guy, he's just not going to bother, since there are other fish in the sea.

    With women... if she's not our friend, sister, mother, daughter, or grandmother--we don't give a damn about her. She's *competition*! And obviously, (see the sarcasm dripping here?) since she couldn't hold her man, she doesn't deserve him.

    Seriously... guys see it as poaching and women see it as if he's fair game if the other woman can't hold his attention, even if the other woman is his wife.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #6

    Jan 26, 2007, 10:22 AM
    Women get caught in their feelings - they can't help it. Attraction isn't a choice.

    People Want What They Can't Have - especially women. Many women LOVE the unavaiable man. Love it!!

    Challenge.

    Mysterious.

    Sexy, forbidden love.

    Sneaking around is not boring.

    She wants to believe his lies... romance novel stuff.

    He gives of the air of very confident, because HE knows it's just a game - he's married so if the gal doesn't fall for it - who cares - no importance into it.

    IT'S ALSO VERY, VERY, VERY, UNHEALTHY FOR A WOMAN TO FALL FOR THIS!!
    NeedKarma's Avatar
    NeedKarma Posts: 10,635, Reputation: 1706
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    #7

    Jan 26, 2007, 10:28 AM
    Hey I want sexy forbidden love too, and I'm a guy!
    :)
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
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    #8

    Jan 26, 2007, 10:37 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Synnen
    Actually...I think it's because guys aren't as catty and backstabbing as women are. If a girl belongs to another guy, he's just not going to bother, since there are other fish in the sea.

    With women...if she's not our friend, sister, mother, daughter, or grandmother--we don't give a damn about her. She's *competition*! And obviously, (see the sarcasm dripping here?) since she couldn't hold her man, she doesn't deserve him.

    Seriously...guys see it as poaching and women see it as if he's fair game if the other woman can't hold his attention, even if the other woman is his wife.
    You may be on to something here, Synnen. It also may be that men inherently fear the retaliation of another man more than women do with women?

    One thing to bear in mind with this topic is the stats say that an almost equal percentage of each gender cheats on their marriage partner...
    Allheart's Avatar
    Allheart Posts: 1,639, Reputation: 436
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    #9

    Jan 26, 2007, 11:26 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Synnen
    Actually...I think it's because guys aren't as catty and backstabbing as women are. If a girl belongs to another guy, he's just not going to bother, since there are other fish in the sea.

    With women...if she's not our friend, sister, mother, daughter, or grandmother--we don't give a damn about her. She's *competition*! And obviously, (see the sarcasm dripping here?) since she couldn't hold her man, she doesn't deserve him.

    Seriously...guys see it as poaching and women see it as if he's fair game if the other woman can't hold his attention, even if the other woman is his wife.

    Synn, grrrrr had to spread it. But yes, all of which you are saying... Sad, but true.
    Bluerose's Avatar
    Bluerose Posts: 1,521, Reputation: 310
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    #10

    Jan 26, 2007, 02:42 PM
    Seriously, I put it all into perspective when someone said to meÖ.. ďIf he can cheat on his wife, the mother of his children, what chance do you have?Ē For me that hit the nail on the head. Women will fall for it and men never say No. It takes something shocking and real to make us 'see' what we are doing to ourselves.
    Nosnosna's Avatar
    Nosnosna Posts: 434, Reputation: 103
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    #11

    Jan 26, 2007, 03:14 PM
    The first thing I notice when meeting a woman is her ring finger. What is or isn't there colors the entire relationship, and a large part of the difference in how the relationship progresses (whether it's something common like being coworkers or something more complicated like a friendship) is the perception of emotional availability. Accurate or not, the first impression defines in my mind how much emotion can be appropriately invested in the relationship, and no matter what, that initial amount is always there (although that is more of a guideline than a rule) somewhere in my mind. And for the most part, this limit in me is based on some perceived limit in the woman, which, again, may or may not even be accurate.

    So what happens with the emotional games? Well, getting involved with a single woman puts no limits on the emotion allowed to be invested... there's nothing sitting in the back of my mind telling me that I'm too deeply involved. On the other hand, with the married woman, there's always that nagging feeling that maybe this is going too far, and I should be careful. In effect, I've created a limit on how far I could go with her, and that keeps me from getting sucked in.

    As for the gender differences, I believe that women are more likely to develop an emotional attachment quickly than men are, and that they tend to have a more idealistic view of emotional attachments. Women are more likely to get caught up in something immediately, thinking that emotion is a pure thing that can't be wrong... men are more cynical and guarded, so we don't jump in as quickly. When we do, however, we're just as thoroughly invested as women are, and we have less experience dealing with the backlash from misplaced emotion because we get to that point in fewer relationships.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #12

    Jan 26, 2007, 03:25 PM
    You know... I was discussing this with a friend, and I think I've come to a better conclusion.

    Women end up with married men more often than men end up with married women simply because men are more likely to take off their wedding ring.

    Women can't make that initial judgement that Nosnosna was talking about, because so many men don't wear rings.
    Nosnosna's Avatar
    Nosnosna Posts: 434, Reputation: 103
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    #13

    Jan 26, 2007, 03:32 PM
    Maybe so. But even when a woman isn't wearing a ring, the guy is much less likely to invest himself emotionally right off than a woman in the same situation... it's just not the way most of us are. Adultery happens both ways roughly equally... the difference in ring-based tomfoolery tells me that men are more likely to be fine with being the (hmm, what's the masculine form of mistress in this context? It's not master... ) than women.

    Besides, that test was marking the difference between a guy with a single woman and a guy with a married woman, not between a guy with an adulterous woman and a woman with an adulterous man. The latter is a totally different issue.
    Bluerose's Avatar
    Bluerose Posts: 1,521, Reputation: 310
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    #14

    Jan 26, 2007, 03:53 PM
    Artist: Kitty Wells Lyrics

    Song: It Wasn't God Who Made Honky Tonk Angels Lyrics

    As I sit here tonight the jukebox playin'
    The tune about the wild side of life
    As I listen to the words you are sayin'
    It brings memories when I was a trusting wife

    It wasn't God who made Honky Tonk angels
    As you said in the words of your song
    Too many times married men think they're still single
    That has caused many a good girl to go wrong

    It's a shame that all the blame is on us women
    It's not true that only you men feel the same
    From the start most every heart that's ever broken
    Was because there always was a man to blame

    It wasn't God who made Honky Tonk angels
    As you said in the words of your song
    Too many times married men think they're still single
    That has caused many a good girl to go wrong
    chuff's Avatar
    chuff Posts: 3,397, Reputation: 1235
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    #15

    Jan 26, 2007, 05:13 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by bluerose
    Not sure I understand what you are getting at. But after my divorce in 1991, I went out with a married man for five years, he was separated from his wife. Then one day out of the blue he turned around and said they were getting back together! I didn't feel much of anything except a fool. I was so mad at him and at myself that I skipped the emotional woe-me stuff. I just accepted it, he was hers. I never got involved with another married man!

    If you make your question clearer I might have a better answer. lol
    I guess what I'm saying is when it comes to emotions women are better at using them and understanding them then men are. Time and again we see men here on this site and even in life around us that get fixated on a girl and can't let it go. She can dump him and go out with another person and he'd still take her back in a heartbeat. She'd repeat the pattern and keep him always hanging on. Yet most of the time the woman is single.

    However if that situation is reversed and the guy keeps the woman hanging on, many times the guy is married. In other words a woman won't necessarily let marriage stop her from getting involved or really what I mean is EMOTIONALLY wrapped up into him.

    And my point is that despite what popular culture and many women might say about men, we do have feelings and we do get emotional and in reality we have a difficult time letting go or getting out of relationships. But those are primarily with single women. Married women don't give us the same emotional hangups that single women do. However, single women do get caught up by the married man. And since women are "emotionally smarter" then men, to me it would seem that they should not fall for a married mans lies and emotional games like guys would and indeed do with single women. Just not married women.
    Bluerose's Avatar
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    #16

    Jan 26, 2007, 05:26 PM
    "Time and again we see men here on this site and even in life around us that get fixated on a girl and can't let it go. She can dump him and go out with another person and he'd still take her back in a heartbeat."

    I think women do that too though. We all invest too much too soon and then wonder what the hell went wrong - or worse we wonder what we did wrong.
    chuff's Avatar
    chuff Posts: 3,397, Reputation: 1235
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    #17

    Jan 26, 2007, 05:29 PM
    Welcome back. Itís good to have you back here.

    Quote Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow
    I think the reasons are far more subtle. I believe the men are far more connected to how wrong it is, partly because they know THEY are wrong. And like it or not, I think men are much better geared at avoiding being responsible for things that are wrong in a relationship. LOL They would not open themselves to the criticism as the women almost blindly do.
    I think your on to something there. I know this sounds funny as an adult but as a teenager, guys learn ďguy codeĒ which amongst other things teaches us that we never go after another manís woman. ďbros before hoísĒ is something I still hear and have heard for probably 15 years. Itís ingrained into my head.

    Of course not all guys follow guy code but I think a lot more do than donít and when Iíve had girlfriends who were being hit on by guys in the past, and she would introduce me, men are very apologetic and even offer to buy you a round of drinks to make up for it. But if the situation is reversed that girl hits on the guy and he points out his girlfriend, some women make faces and cop an attitude immediately. Thatís just at the meeting stage, not even in a relationship stage of knowing someone.

    So I think your right when you say men are connected to how wrong it is, because we learn it from each other at a developing stage in life.

    Quote Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow
    Women are used to being criticised, we do it to each other as a normal part of daily discourse. Also, it may very well be that married women simply don't solicit affairs in the same fashion as married men do, as predominantly an ego boost and source for sex while holding out the lure of a real relationship to their lover. And to compound it, I don't think men and women view marriage the same as a general rule. The single man is not geared to plead for the married woman to leave her rotten spouse and marry him. Just typing it out here sounds strange, does it not?
    It does sound strange. But I think the single man sees her as a good time but without the headaches that she has at home. Where the single woman seeking a relationship with a married man is perhaps not seeking the headache but the drama that will come with breaking up a marriage.

    Quote Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow
    The statistics support those theories more than anything when you really look at it. I know when I was in a troubled marriage, the last thing I wanted was another complication and it was an open marriage too.

    Good question Chuff! I look forward to what others may add too. Thanks.
    Thank you. I was thinking about it all day. After I saw it posted I thought a lot about it, because it just seemed strange to me that more emotional guys or guys in general donít get caught up in this. Especially since we fall for emotional situations more than women do because they can judge emotions better.

    Quote Originally Posted by Synnen
    Actually...I think it's because guys aren't as catty and backstabbing as women are. If a girl belongs to another guy, he's just not going to bother, since there are other fish in the sea.
    I like this answer. I think this very true. Guys follow "guy code" and women follow... actually women don't any code. Guys are taught through their peers from an early age about "bros before ho's" and women are not taught through other women to stick together. In fact as you point out women are catty and backstabbing and actually enjoy it. It feeds a need for them.

    Quote Originally Posted by Synnen
    With women...if she's not our friend, sister, mother, daughter, or grandmother--we don't give a damn about her. She's *competition*! And obviously, (see the sarcasm dripping here?) since she couldn't hold her man, she doesn't deserve him.
    Sometimes she'll be catty and backstabbing if she is your friend or sister. I've never seen it with the mother or grandmother though. Thank God. But I've seen women turn on friends and sisters or put them down behind there backs. Guys don't do that. Even if I don't like another guy I just don't bring him up. I don't put hiim down, I just don't talk about him. But women will talk negatively about other women given the proper platform to do so.

    Quote Originally Posted by Synnen
    Seriously...guys see it as poaching and women see it as if he's fair game if the other woman can't hold his attention, even if the other woman is his wife.
    Wow. I've never looked at it like that but that's exactly what it is.

    Quote Originally Posted by NeedKarma
    I think it may be simpler that all that: women are looking for that knight in shining armour and men are looking for some sexual variety.
    But that same theory doesn't hold true of single men that don't want to and stuggle to let go of a woman who is seeing other guys. Many times a guy will be strung along for years by a woman who toys with his emotions.

    Quote Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow
    You may be on to something here, Synnen. It also may be that men inherently fear the retaliation of another man more than women do with women?
    It's funny I think some woman actually would like the retaliation of another woman. Brings her drama level up and gives her something to talk about.

    Quote Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow
    One thing to bear in mind with this topic is the stats say that an almost equal percentage of each gender cheats on their marriage partner....
    I should have included this in my original post.

    Equal percentage of gender cheat but un unequal percentage of gender outside the marriage believes the lies coming from the married party.

    And again, given the woman's abiltiy to read and manipulate emotions, and the man's abiltiy to fall for it you'd think the number would be flip flopped.

    Quote Originally Posted by bluerose
    Seriously, I put it all into perspective when someone said to meÖ.. ďIf he can cheat on his wife, the mother of his children, what chance do you have?Ē For me that hit the nail on the head. Women will fall for it and men never say No. It takes something shocking and real to make us Ďseeí what we are doing to ourselves.
    But that happens to men too.

    Just the man is involved with a single woman. A man will put up with a non married woman sleeping with other guys and stringing along, some times for years. But a man would never put up with that same situation with a married woman.

    Yet women will put up with that from a married man. And women are emotionally more aware then men are, so they should be, in theory, the ones who don't fall for the emotional games of a married man.
    chippers's Avatar
    chippers Posts: 440, Reputation: 88
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    #18

    Jan 26, 2007, 05:52 PM
    Okay my cherubs, her's my thoughts on the topic of the day.
    I agree with syn on the point that men are more likely to remove their wedding bands. (if any single girl is reading this my advice is to always look for a suntan where a wedding band ould be.) by the time they find out their lovebug is m arried, they are emotionally involved already. They find themselves in conflict with their heart and their head which is telling them to dump the knave.
    There are women who go into relationships with married men. To them its physical attachment and sex. They thrive for the thrill of it. Then their conflict begins when they realize they love the guy. He's married, she wants to be with him and everyone knows he will not leave his wife.
    Some see an affair with a married man/ woman as safe because they can count on them being discrete. And usually far away where there's very little chance they'll run into their extra curicular activity not get caught.
    Women as a rule are more emotional where men can( I didn't say all men or "do") become emotionall detached. They stray because they aren't happy at home or want more than the wife can give. I honestly wonder why these men that stray feel they are the only ones not being satisfied.
    That's what I think. Thank you for reading it.
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    Bluerose Posts: 1,521, Reputation: 310
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    #19

    Jan 26, 2007, 06:14 PM
    It's all swings and roundabouts. Some people, men and women, deliberately choose married people for whatever reason. Some get tricked, discovering later that the person is married. Some care and walk, and some don't care.

    I think it says more about marriage than it does about the people involved. Marriage is dead.

    The average marriage today is expected to last about ten years. Those married longer than that expect some kind of medal.
    drop's Avatar
    drop Posts: 10, Reputation: 3
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    #20

    Jan 26, 2007, 06:18 PM
    I think part of why guys don't fall so hard for married women is that a guy KNOWS he's crossing a line when he goes after her. So, immediately, a part of his guard is up and may well protect him from getting in too deep.

    On the other hand, if the woman is unmarried, there's no line to be crossed and no reason to put his guard up. So, if things go badly, he's may well be DOA since there's no barriers put in up front.

    Or, maybe we just fear getting our a**es kicked - that'll work too.

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