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Mjhill · May 20, 2013, 01:38 PM

Me and my girlfriend have been going out 3 years plus. We live together and Recently she said she needs a break as she feels suffocated. She is also extremely clean and says that the fact that I am not up to her standards made her not want to be around the mess, (in which she was sleeping over at her best friends house who is a guy btw). We finally talked I brought up how I don't think that friend dynamic is appropriate. She assured me that he is not taking my place but is just a friend, and realized what she did wrong. She has also stopped such behaviors She brought up my shortcomings etc. And I have worked on being immaculately clean.

I have realized she wants space to think things over about our relationship. We have established that in 2 months when our lease expires we will live separately and she will see how things go. And the thought is still there for a reconciliation, which I hope occurs.

What is the easiest way togive her space, but let her know I still want her and, not to lose her. Especially when we are still living together. Please advise.

>Threads merged to keep the advice in one place<

Homegirl 50 · May 20, 2013, 04:30 PM

How are you giving her space if she is still living there? If she wants space, she needs to leave. What was her explanation for living with another guy? How long were you living together before she decides she can't deal with your messiness. Did you two argue about this or was is sudden? This sounds pretty fishy to me.

Jake2008 · May 21, 2013, 05:26 AM

If she loved you, she would have been better able to communicate and work toward solving problems, instead of using the problems, to justify 'needing space'.

No couples are without their differences. Her being extremely tidy and you not being up to her clean standards, seems rather flimsy to me as an excuse to separate in two months.

Either you are soft shoeing the real problems here, or there is not a lot of substance to the relationship.

Is there more to the story?

Mjhill · May 21, 2013, 07:24 AM

Appreciate the response. That's my problem. I know she won't leave early because she has no where to live/go. And told me that we should be on a break until the lease is over and then live separately and see if we come close again. She stayed over there maybe 4-5 times. Her explanation was she was studying with the friend for finals till late and did not want to be around the "mess" in the house. She did admit for what its worth that what she did was totally wrong and nothing happened. She also stopped such behavior evennthough we are on a break. We have been living together for almost a year. She always knew I was not as neat as her. I have tried and continue to try but in her eyes can't get as clean as her. She has brought it up before. Yet says she is no longer willing to compromise about it Even though I have accepted many of her shortcomings. Did you two argue about this or was is sudden?

Homegirl 50 · May 21, 2013, 07:33 AM

Still sounds like a flimsy excuse to me. She wants space, let her leave and I would not sit around waiting for her to make up her mind.

Mjhill · May 21, 2013, 07:41 AM

Appreciate the answer jake 2008. That's exactly what I thought. I have grown to compromise with her certain shortcomings. I know she has told me before, but honestly I don't know how anyone can be as clean as her. I have tried so many times. In no way do I live in unhabitable conditions and I bet it is cleaner than most. There are also other reasons. She says she feels suffocated because I don't spend as much time with my friends that she does. I would rather run or do other things solo most of the time and its just me, I have always been that way. I tell her she can do what she wants with her friends but she says she always thinks of me alone at home doing nothing. Also in terms of employment I am doing what I love and know what I dream of doinf and am trying to get there but she thinks I should be doing more.

She has shortcomings as well which I have made known. And she seems to be working on them. And changing the dynamic between her and that one friend.

I don't see any of us moving in the 2 months before our lease expires. But we will be living separately afterwards. And in living together I find it hard to give her the space she desires. We are civil and she still asks me for rides and to use my car on weekends to go to the store, and she will do my laundry if she sees it while I am at work etc. We don't text or call each other during the day.

Hope that helps. Thanks.

Mjhill · May 21, 2013, 07:43 AM

Thanks! Guess for the next couple months it will just be a waiting game. Seems like although she wants space because she feels suffocated. She is fine where She is and doesn't want to move and have to pay extra rent.

Homegirl 50 · May 21, 2013, 07:50 AM

She would have to go. You don't tell someone you needs space but "oh can you give me a ride" or borrow your car.

Mjhill · May 21, 2013, 08:54 AM

I did Realize that, I guess I am just afraid to lose her if I try and cut out all communications and/or she will revert to old ways.

Wondergirl · May 21, 2013, 09:00 AM

Originally Posted by Mjhill

I did Realize that, I guess i am just afraid to lose her if I try and cut out all communications and/or she will revert to old ways.

It sounds like you have lost her already. She has all the power in this "relationship."

Homegirl 50 · May 21, 2013, 09:25 AM

I agree with Wondergirl. Does not sound like you have her to me either

Mjhill · May 21, 2013, 12:46 PM

How may I get her back then?

Wondergirl · May 21, 2013, 12:49 PM

Originally Posted by Mjhill

How may I get her back then?

You can't.

Mjhill · May 24, 2013, 11:52 AM

I appreciate the advice. Another question. So obviously Like I had stated we are still under one roof. She still depends a lot on me and figures I will be willing to drive her to school everyday and that she can just ask me to use my car on weekends etc. Also doing her dishes. I don't really get anything in return. I feel like saving my dignity and just telling her that a break should establish she doesn't depend on me fir such things anymore. Is that out of left field to think that way?

Wondergirl · May 24, 2013, 11:57 AM

It's a bit dicey to be on a break from each other while still living together. How about if you two decide that she will stop it with the complaints and you continue to drive her or lend her your car until the lease is up, and then all bets are off and the break officially begins with NO contact.

odinn7 · May 24, 2013, 12:01 PM

Originally Posted by Mjhill

I appreciate the advice. Another question. So obviously Like i had stated we are still under one roof. She still depends alot on me and figures i will be willing to drive her to school everyday and that she can just ask me to use my car on weekends etc. Also doing her dishes. I dont really get anything in return. I feel like saving my dignity and just telling her that a break should establish she doesnt depend on me fir such things anymore. Is that out of left field to think that way?

While you are still under one roof, you want to try to keep the peace a bit so the car thing is probably OK right now but as Wondergirl said, once you're out then forget it... that's when you tell her that a break means a break.

Mjhill · May 24, 2013, 12:45 PM

Okay. Agreed. I made it known to her I don't appreciate her assuming I will always be willing to lend it to her. If she asks or if I bring it up, its fair game. But she can't assume I will always lend it to her when she says "hey i am going to need your car this weekend." she can't take advantage. She wanted the break so she has to live with what she wants.

Wondergirl · May 24, 2013, 01:10 PM

break = no car

Homegirl 50 · May 24, 2013, 01:51 PM

I say if she wants a break she gets one. You two share the rent only. No car. The only thing you share are chores. She asked for this, she should be prepared to be on her own or leave.

Mjhill · May 26, 2013, 01:19 PM

To end the discussion. I found out through discovery of my own that all during the break she has been talking to another guy (2000+ back and forth on fb) and gotten to a point about talking about sex/hooking up etc. In August. Also discovered pictures of her and a guy whose house she had stayed over at both during our relationship towards the break and during the break with some questionable photos. My decision has been made. I am out at the earliest possible convenience. Thanks for all the help.