Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    Cracking10's Avatar
    Cracking10 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Feb 28, 2010, 05:25 AM
    How can I deal with a jealous, emotionally abusive mother of my partner?
    I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year now and I thought things with his mother were getting a lot better. I am 17, almost 18 and he is the same age and yet his mother still, somehow, has complete control over him. When I first started seeing her son she hated me from the moment she met me, there was no rational reason to hate me, she just did. Her hate was intense she banned him from seeing me based on a meeting of 2 minutes where I perfectly polite and charming, I had done no wrong. Now I can understand that she may have thought I would be distraction to her son seeing as he is an elite swimmer with the olympics in his sights, but I was accepting of this dream and was so proud of him for having such amazing aspirations. Her hate was unjustified however. She banned him from seeing me, speaking to me on the phone, talking to me via internet or even getting other people to relay messages to me. It confused me so much because I still don't understand how she had such control over him. I mean if my mother ever tried to do something like that I would just laugh. The rest of his family have no problem with me, his dad likes me and his little brother adores me. Up until about 6 months into the relationship this continued and it damaged me to the point I would cry myself to sleep every night and I was breaking out in tears randomly at school. My principal even asked me to see a counsellor because she thought I might had depression. It just hurt me so much that I cared so much about this boy and yet I couldn't do anything to help the situation. I had tried to talking to her, that didn't work. I tried to get him to talk to her, that didn't work. I even tried to get my mother to talk to her, and she took that as me 'attacking' her. Slowly she seemed to realise I wasn't going anywhere and I guess I wasn't as big of a threat as she thought I was and eventually she began to warm up to. I thought things were going well up until now, I mean she had even asked me to go shopping with her to help pick out clothes because she liked my style and has asked me for help for various other reasons. I was getting excited because I thought soon I would be accepted, but tonight everything went downhill and I don't even know why. My boyfriend and his mother had an giant fight about his life goals and stuff as such and somehow I was brought into the conversation and was consequently banned from ever going to his house AGAIN (although she also banned any of his friends from going). I just don't know how to deal with her anymore. Not only does she emotionally hurt me, she hurts her own son. He has told me he thinks he needs to see a psychiatrist or get help from a professional because he needs to break away from his mother but he doesn't know how to on his own. She is totally irrational and goes beserk at the slightest thing. Is there anything at all I can do to at least calm the situation?
    redhed35's Avatar
    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
    Ultra Member
     
    #2

    Feb 28, 2010, 05:36 AM

    I'm afraid no girl may ever be good enough for her son,no matter what you do.

    He can't break away,he loves her,regardless of what she says or does,perhaps in years to come he will break away somewhat,or rebel against her,but she will always be apart of his life.

    For you,you can jump through all the hoops she puts out for you,I doubt it will be enough.

    The best I can offer you,is continue being yourself,be his girlfriend,don't worry about his mother or what she says,be the bigger person and realise she probably thinks that she is right and is not going to budge.

    You both love him,offer support and have fun together,don't let other peoples opinion impinge on your personal success,or the relationship success.
    dynocompe's Avatar
    dynocompe Posts: 331, Reputation: 56
    Full Member
     
    #3

    Feb 28, 2010, 05:42 AM

    His mother is a control freak, she needs help. Everything has to be her way, and she wants to be number one. She wants her son to always depend on her, and wants her son to need her. That's my opinion. On how to fix it? Her son has to man up!! Stop listening to her, move out, send her a strong message.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #4

    Feb 28, 2010, 10:35 PM
    At your age, I was dating a guy who was on the Canadian National Ski Team, also with olympic aspirations. The driving force behind him, was his mother. What she saw in me was an obsticle to his success, and did everything to make my life miserable. I'll spare you the detail, but it eventually broke us up, because he had to choose between me, and his ski career. It turned out not to be so much about his mother, because he saw what she was like with me (and others, as you too are finding out), but more about his goals.

    Until their goals are reached, they don't have a 'real life'. There is no socializing, or time for just hanging out. Everything revolves around training, travelling the world, and staying focused on winning.

    My guess is that if he were to decide not to swim, his mother would be a different person.

    I hate to say it, but the problem here probably isn't his mother, it's him. He has to make the choice to swim or not, and if he does, it will leave you in the sidelines. If he chooses not to swim, things might get back to normal. Just try to be prepared for the former, rather than the latter.
    Space Dreamer's Avatar
    Space Dreamer Posts: 4, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #5

    Feb 28, 2010, 10:51 PM

    I would kiss the mother's butt lol. If you make the mother the enemy, which is a bad thing to do because it will probably end your relationship. I would try to do some nice gestures for his mother. Maybe like buying her a gift or lunch and making sure you never say anything bad about his mother around him or anyone else. Try to like his mother because she isn't going anywhere.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,178, Reputation: 10852
    Expert
     
    #6

    Mar 2, 2010, 08:52 AM

    Stay away from his mom, and trust he can deal with her himself. He is the one to do what it takes, not you.
    Cracking10's Avatar
    Cracking10 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #7

    Mar 3, 2010, 04:17 AM
    Am I justified in being angry?
    Threads merge

    Okay, I want to know am I justified in being angry if my boyfriend never calls me anymore now that he has an Xbox? And when I call him he can never talk for longer than 30 seconds because he is in the middle of a game of Halo? Am I entitled to be angry when he bails on me when he says he is going to do something with me because he is playing Halo? And am I right in being angry with him for never having a conversation that does not start with "Today when I was playing lone wolves" or "Today when I was on social slayer"?

    I get so frustrated with him because I never get a sensible word out of him about anything other than Halo and it seems he would rather glue himself to the xbox than spend any time at all with me. We have been dating for a year and this is seriously making me re-assess him. He tells me I am being stupid and that it's only a game. Isn't that the point though? It's just a game? I am a real, tangible human, one he says he is in love with. Shouldn't I demand a little more attention that a silly video game?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,178, Reputation: 10852
    Expert
     
    #8

    Mar 3, 2010, 06:22 AM

    Why demand more attention from someone who is too busy playing games to pay attention in the first place? Let him play his games, while you have other things to do with your time.

    He is having his fun, you go have yours, in the real world, without him. That's his loss.
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
    Uber Member
     
    #9

    Mar 3, 2010, 06:44 AM

    I think its time you left him to his swimming practice,his X-boy and his doting mum.

    This guy sounds too immature to be in a relationship.

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search

Add your answer here.


Check out some similar questions!

My adult daughter is verbally and emotionally abusive to me [ 8 Answers ]

I brought my adult daughter home when she needed back surgery. This was 16 months ago. She is still living with me. I provide food , shelter and little by little, she is demanding more and more of my financies - e.g. for cigarettes, taxi cabs, special food, etc, and when she does not get what she...

Husband is 20 yrs older & is emotionally abusive [ 4 Answers ]

I married my husband 3 yrs ago in the US after months of courtship from the Phils. He is 2o yrs my senior, a widower, with 2 married sons from his deceased wife. I loved my husband so much but could not take his verbal & emotional abuses to me anymore. He keeps on complaining that I do not...

Toxic and/or abusive(mentally/emotionally) family members [ 1 Answers ]

The question basically is how do you handle having 2 toxic and abusive direct family members who you love very much? It's hard to talk to and be around them sometimes as it is just as difficult to be away or removed from them.

Disfunctional emotionally abusive husband [ 2 Answers ]

I have previously posted on "I walked in on my husband masturbating" and need more follow up. My husband is "functionally sick". What exactly does that mean? I agree with the advice I have been given so far. Obviously after all these years I am at a road block and need more information. It seems...


View more questions Search