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    Ash123 Posts: 1,793, Reputation: 305
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    Jul 27, 2007, 07:51 PM
    How to Break-up and survive 101 (use it as you wish
    After a time on this site and some significant personal relationships, I've compiled a short list of essentials for those suffering in the throes of a break-up. I hope this can provide a guide for the pain we all have had to endure (and can even benefit from).

    1) Be cool.

    If you are the breakee (and most people on this site are) and you realize you are being cut loose... let the white heat and noise in your body and soul stay inside. The breakee is likely anticipating the worst and unless you have caught them cheating, hold your tongue and listen. You see, if you want to get back with this person, the impression you leave at a dramatic moment counts a lot. The breaker will feel guilt and doubt following the break up. They will not be sure if they have done the right thing. Let them stew.

    2. Leave them thinking.

    As you listen and suffer in the sudden pain of rejection, think of a golden moment in your relationship. Something that you both considered a high point. If your relationship is not totally dysfunctional, that time may have only been one rough patch away. Is it worth mentioning casually? If so, just make it the last thought they have.

    3. Give.

    It is human nature to go back to what makes us feel good and what we know. If you can give love at this moment - even if just in a touch or a smile - it is powerful. Why are they letting this go?? They wonder.

    4. Survival Mode.

    Now begins the well-known No Contact period. No texts, no calls, no letters, no emails, no stop-bys... This is for you. And for them. For you it is protection and stops the cycle of waiting and wondering. For them, it shows them that they must live with their choice. And the LESS you do, the MORE power you have.

    5. Silence is golden.

    If you maintain silence then you put all the pressure on your Ex. No easy let downs. By doing less, you do so much more. And it lets them think about what they lost. Every break in silence before your Ex reaches you lowers your value. The work you did was IN your relationship. Whatever you did will now pay (or not pay) dividends. It is what will fill their head as they go through their day. (Note: If your EX left you for someone else, then you must go silent right away. Skip 1-3. This relationship is likely over and should be unless well, your EX has... well, an incredible explanation.)

    6. "How long do I go silent?"

    Forever. What this means is that unless your Ex contacts you, you should stay silent.
    Many EX's circle back. And when they do, wait! Wait and think.
    Ask yourself: Do I even WANT to get back with this person? Is it a relationship I want? Was there willingness to part a natural human response to learning about themselves and you, or was it callous and thoughtless? The period of silence before a "circle back" could be 2 days or GULP (2 years). If your Ex re-establishes contact and your relationship had a lot of good communication to begin with - you might find that friendship can be an Ok alternative and downpayment on a later more-serious time for you - as long as it is on your terms and time schedule - maybe even after you have another person in your life.

    7. When do I panic?

    Never. Every break you do this way makes you a better lover and closer to getting Mr. or Mrs. Right... If you chase or plea or beg you may get him/her back but in the long run it is a fissure that will always be there. Many of the happiest people I know had at least one "test-break" and then got serious. They spoke after a break at some appropriate point and had no agendas, just a realization that humans need to process things and that they were ready. The Breaker does have the responsibility to prove they are more committed - and again, the breakee has less pressure in this dynamic... so enjoy the role of entitlement for a while - but don't be mean.

    8. If I re-unite with my Ex, how do I do it?

    Don't hold a grudge. If you are going to go "another round" don't sabotage yourself by going back with revenge or bitterness... Instead, communicate. A lot.
    Make it clear what hurt and what you want to work on. If this person has real potential
    they will be excited about finding out what makes you tick and what makes you happy.
    And you should do the same.

    9. If I feel like I want to die, how do I survive 1-8?

    Time. Time is a powerful thing. Get a calendar. 90 days is your goal.
    Cross the days off... and better yet, write the emotions of the day in the box as you desire... write what you feel about your EX when you wish. You will see the adjectives change over time and you may be surprised to see that over time the intensity changes.
    If you were married or in a relationship for a long time (5 years+)... you may need an entire calendar. Factor about 2 months per year. If you need more than one calendar, or cannot sleep or eat predictably for more than 3 months, I heartily suggest a good therapist. (Note: A General practitioner M.D. can suggest one if a friend cannot).

    10. So, what is the goal of all this work?

    The right person for you is the one that makes your life better and whom you wish to make their life better. The right person is one that HAS YOUR BACK! If they do not, and/or you do not have theirs, then you are chasing pain, and preparing for your future offspring to live in pain.
    That's pathetic. Look at your friends? Are they loyal and hardworking and care about who you are and what you feel - and are there for you - especially in a crisis? If so, you are emphasizing character and laying a life foundation. And your partner can be all that and MORE!

    Breaks CAN actually heal us for the better, as long as we fight to get the best of them. That's the challenge of life. How do we handle adversity?? If you handle it well, you are a rare person and are guaranteed great things. It's NOT EASY. I hope the 1-10 will make it a little easier. If you have to rush right to #4 it's OK. Just get yourself to as sane a place as you can handle ASAP.

    (If any of this ends up being useful for you let me know... )

    You now have the advantage! ;)

    It's been a while since I have been on here. But I have done some field research I wanted to share for those who are hurting over a lost love.

    First off I would start with my Break-up Guide. It is a practical step-by-step for what to do after a break-up. And it gives you a framework for saving yourself, your ex and your sanity, as you make sense of it all.

    Break-UP Guide:

    Next, follow these steps. Remember it's not about manipulating them so much as it is about restoring YOU.

    1.) Say all you have to say the day of the break.

    2.) No texting
    3.) No calling
    4.) No emailing
    5.) No writing
    6) No IM'ing
    7.) No "accidental" run-ins
    8.) No drop-bys
    9.) No contacting friends or family of your ex
    10.) Go silent
    11.) Write down what you are feeling and keep it in a journal, or send it to a friend who will not share it, but bury it, or send it to yourself.
    Watch funny movies. Go to the gym. Block their IM/email. You need to make your head ex-free.
    12.) Note, if you break down and violate 1-11 then start from scratch again. But silence is key.
    13.) If your ex left you for another, or is exploring another "possibility" the sight or sound of you does not make them want the other less.
    Your absence does. Especially if it's a respectful absence.
    14.) OK, here's the controversial part. You can break the silence if you wish one time. But if you really were silent after the break 100% they should contact you first. But if you have to try once -After 3 months, send the most casual message you can. No agenda.
    "(A short FYI about the weather or an activity)...and.....Hope you are doing well." Just something helpful to them...
    15.) Whatever they say in response, just casually agree: Yes, no problem... Super... You bet. And go silent again.
    16.) If they wish to talk more they will. If not, leave it.
    17.) No more work required. That's it.
    Make them work. If they do not. Ignore. I once did not talk to a girl for a year. She came back with calls and emails. I was seeing someone else. Sometimes if they come back you will realize it was never right anyway. And you will have the clarity.
    18.) if you know deep down that the girl (or guy) is a b----, then going silent gives your brain time to process this and move on. B---y people thrive on negative power, and can make you want to be negative. Don't do it. They have to rise to your level.
    19.) If your ex comes back, calls, emails, etc. WAIT. THINK. Do you REALLY want them back. Life is short. Our egos make us want what we can't have, but our brains will punish us in the end by being turned off and you will be faking it! Ewww.
    20.) If you DO want them back... WAIT. When you respond be honest.
    Don't put pressure on them, but indicate you do not want to repeat the past... Go slow. Discuss these things in a casual way if your first meeting goes OK.
    21.) If you leave fast when someone breaks up it's the best way to get them to say more and have time to think about what they want to say. If you pressure them they will never have time to miss you or think about the good times. If you wish to bring up something helpful - there's a concert coming, or a sale on shoes I saw, just give it unconditionally as you can. Most relationships break for a reason and are not meant to be. But we fight for them rather than moving on. So, if you go back, make sure it's because you are really addressing what was WRONG to you or to them.
    22.) The right person for you, makes your life better and you make their life better. If not, you are both fooling yourself and living unhealthy lives.

    Cheers and keep your heart and mind healthy and watch out for spending too much time on damaged people. They can run out your valuable time focusing on themselves too much. Remember this: IF they did things you did not like with you, the odds are they will do it with someone else! :cool:
    Ash123's Avatar
    Ash123 Posts: 1,793, Reputation: 305
    Ultra Member

    Aug 5, 2007, 05:28 PM
    Well Desire03,

    Consider this - I will put this up on it's own for folks as a thread too.
    We are often a "Breakee board" for the most part, but looking at the other side
    May help both sides... :

    How to Break up 101 (FOR THE BREAKER)
    (An organized guide for an imperfect world)

    Psychological Note:
    To Break is to feel guilt, regret and anxiety - and ultimately (we hope) relief
    To be the breakee is to feel pain, self-doubt and wanting - - and ultimately (we hope) relief
    (Pick your poison.)

    How to Break Up

    1. Talk first.

    Address the issues that are bothering you.

    2. Listen.

    See if the other party has something to say about your concerns. See if you have been listening at all... Sometimes we assume people can read our minds.

    3. Decide.

    If you are with someone that you do not think you can spend a lifetime with - then at some point you will separate. And if you do decide to be joined in holy matrimony the odds are 50/50 you will break-up then (sorry). So, do your homework and be true to yourself. If you came from a dysfunctional background it is more likely that you are headed for the broken 50% if you seek companionship with those that will not enhance your life.

    SO, once you have decided you are not mentally, sexually, philosophically the same... It is time to deliver the news. The SOONER the BETTER.

    4. Time is of the essence.

    (1-3 were your opportunity to go back. Now is the next step if you wish to take it)

    Don't fool yourself into thinking there is such a thing as a "good time to break up". Waiting hurts you and them, ultimately.

    *(ONE EXCEPTION: If we know our partner is moving away, we can last a few extra months and let the move and the geography allow for a motive for a break.)

    It will inevitably fall on or near a: birthday, anniversary, holiday or planned event. It's the karmic way of the world. Why not delay? Well, there are couples that stay married for decades and divorce after they: have kids, kids go to college, one gets a career, one has an affair - even though they were not compatible from day 1 or day.....101. WHY? As the song goes: "Breaking up is hard to do..." It changes our lives and our mindset. So, we wait for a good time.....And well, there is no such thing.

    Please note: If you are married with kids, start opening up the lines of communication. ASAP. Seek marriage counseling. Take time for couples time/weekends/dinners, frank talks, and carve out breathers in the speeding train of life and kids growing older. You may salvage your relationship. If you've tried honest talk and voiced all concerns you are being true to your significant other and you can feel better about your relationship. An affair to save your kids from divorce or your spouse from changing will not solve a problem - but just displace it and it will come back in a new way most likely.

    5. Where do you deliver the news?

    Where? In person. Preferably not in a public place. Your home, or if that is too awkward, their home. And if that is too awkward. A place where you can have a long talk and a hug. A park, a large gathering place...
    If you anticipate yelling and violence - then the phone is OK. But it is not classy otherwise. And an email or a text mssg. Is pretty low end... But hey, whatever gets you to #6.

    6. What to say

    This cannot be scripted, but being too personal in most cases is not be necessary. And know that no words will ever be 100% well received.

    Still, if you have are confident and communicate well with your partner, trying to be honest and forthright is important... as you may help both of you should you ever get back together and even more - help your new-ex for a future relationship by telling them some things that might help them: For example: "Throwing firecrackers in my parakeet's cage is not a turn on...etc." Note: Honesty is good, but be sensitive to your lover's feelings and do not deliver more than they can take - if at all.

    A good break up would be a statement of fact about where you all in your respective lives today. A statement of fact about the need for you both to benefit by a mutually agreed upon change in some way. And saying you have no plans to seek out anyone else. You simply consider this to be what this relationship needs - a break (if you wish to try again at a set time) or an end (if you think you cannot be what they would most benefit from in the long term... ")

    7. What to do afterwards

    You will be the bad guy, so just accept it. You will also be an object of renewed affection,
    Or renewed anger... Your job is to focus on your life and not send mixed signals...
    You may receive calls, texts, IM's, E-mails, visits and flowers and well, worse. You can politely respond if you feel comfortable... But never be too personal and always be consistent and not too wordy and NEVER give the breakee the thought that there will be a future - unless you think there is a very good chance there will be.

    8. Breakers need to heal too

    While the breakee is usually sad, tired and depressed (and filling up threads on AskMeHelpDesk :-) the breaker needs to heal too. You have walked away from someone you care about - and have created tension you wish would go away.
    To begin healing do what breakees do: Go to the gym, start a routine, go on a trip, get good friends around - and think of the future. Do not jump to another relationship until you are ready. The new person in your life will get dropped faster than plutonium if you date too soon. And you will be back to #1 fast. Wait at least a month for every year you went out as a rough barometer - but basically, just date when you can do it with an open heart.

    Note: If you were in an abusive relationship please seek some session of professional counseling to ensure you heal properly and your next relationship will be more healthy. If you don't you may repeat the behavior without even realizing it.

    9. What if I regret my decision?

    If it's for more than just... sex. CALL THEM. If this is somewhat well received, offer to meet. But only if you are more committed and more ready to address the issues that brought you to a halt the first-time. Or you're being selfish and unfair... Otherwise, explain what you have been thinking and what you did wrong in judging the relationship. If they rebuff you (often for pride) just make it clear you are there, should they want to talk... wherever they wish. Whenever they want.

    10. What if I am just too scared to break up?

    Join the club. Great people take on adversity and go forward. That's what makes them great. Being mediocre is easy. But life is short, and living with regret is actually even worse than living in fear.

    Note: If you are afraid to break-up love someone and are not sure it is a good decision then TALK to THEM!
    b) TRUST
    c) RESPECT are the keys to human interaction and functional survival. If this is still possible work on it, if it is not possible, then well, you may need to head to#1.

    I hope you find real peace and good luck.
    Ash123's Avatar
    Ash123 Posts: 1,793, Reputation: 305
    Ultra Member

    Jul 20, 2008, 02:46 PM

    These posts remind me of the root of all this:
    All we want is to love and be loved....

    Amazing how difficult that can be sometimes.

    It takes work.

    To be in a relationship that is enhancing to our minds and souls requires steering clear of people that we are sometimes sexually drawn to, or our upbringing subconsciously makes us "turned on" by... but what we need is someone who has our BACK! And we have theirs... and sex is only one part of the equation - though it has a lot more power than that. Every couple that I see that works (and until age 23 or 24 it's all just practice mostly anyway) are not greedy about having more than they have - and BOTH genuinely enjoy making the other happy.

    I think most people that feel lost in a sinking relationship, know deep down that something is not right but don't want to admit it to themselves... why? We are biologically wired to fight for our partner - especially if they are rejecting us.

    Practice makes perfect. Every relationship that goes bad is a lesson... be careful not to repeat it!
    Often, Those from tough childhoods tend to repeat bad cycles because they think a dysfunctional / fractured relationship is OK, because it is what they know as love. Fight on for what's right - even if it means walking away from what you are drawn into accepting!

    Love takes work, but it DOES payoff.
    Ash123's Avatar
    Ash123 Posts: 1,793, Reputation: 305
    Ultra Member

    Jan 29, 2009, 08:19 AM

    I've done some field testing on my break-up list.

    I am happy to say that it still works.

    The only thing I would add is after the 90 days to make sure you begin dating - even if not with your dream person. Does not even need to be intimate.
    Your brain needs to deal with the complexities of a new relationship, even if it is not mr. or mrs. right.
    This gets not only the dopamine going, but creates paths for new patterns of relationships in your brain. The goal is to find the right person in life and you must force your brain (after a "detox" period) to refocus. A few casual dates would do you good... Then, take a break and try again after another month if you are no good at it. The goal is to have fun.

    You cannot feel guilty about your ex if you did all you could do and they still caused you pain... PAIN is not love. It's... pain. MOVE ON.
    I am amazed how often someone better is there if you are healthy and strong and available.
    Ash123's Avatar
    Ash123 Posts: 1,793, Reputation: 305
    Ultra Member

    May 20, 2010, 04:50 PM
    Relationship confusion? Guys/girls want what they cannot have. But don't panic.
    Relationship reminder: We all want what we can't have.

    Remember when you were growing up?

    You wanted those cookies on the shelf and your parent's said wait 'til after dinner?

    All you could think about was dessert. But you had to wait. And it made you want it more. Sometimes you snuck up on the counter and got the cookies or dug a spoon in the ice cream and helped yourself. You weren['t supposed to, but that made it all the better!

    When in High-School the girl or guy in the hall that was a grade ahead or made your heart skip a beat. The car you drove was nice, but what about the car your friend had?

    We are conditioned to want what we can't have, and it is a dynamic of dating. It is a good thing to understand as pursuer or pursued.

    Don't be a tease all the time, but don't be a sitting target.
    Live your life to the fullest.
    Strive for more than you thought you could do.
    Work hard.
    AND... Be true to yourself (very important)
    Then, voilą. You will attract someone for the right reasons.
    And/or you can pursue someone for the right reasons...

    What is this cookie jar phenomenon?
    A woman may want a guy who has confidence she does not have.
    A guy may want a girl who has energy he does not have.
    A woman may want a guy with strength she does not have.
    A guy may want a girl with legs he does not have... :-)

    There is always a chase. And some are slower chases and some are faster. But when caught, we, or our partners decide what they caught is not all they wanted. They want what they cannot have again... When it is "right" the chaser feels like what they caught is still not quite conquered or rather, still growing before them. And they stay. When they decide they want to move on, the pain of their partner is instant.

    So, what is the cure? We cannot always be forbidden fruit. We have to be caught sometime. It is called emotional maturity. It takes comfort with yourself and also faith in what you have pursued - and yes, even admitting it is not right EVEN if you do not want something else.

    Do not stop living your life when in a relationship. You need to have your own. But always be very open to sharing it - and your feelings. IF it fails, you know you did all you could. Maybe it was not right, or they are still that little kid who wants those cookies.

    Cookies are not always good for you. So, if we reach out for them over and over we will get sick. At some point a balanced meal is the goal. If your relationship is not a balanced meal, consider that it's time to let go.

    You must grow past that little kid who wants those cookies - but not 100%. We all want a little more. But we have to give a little more too to get it... Growing up means giving to get. If you can both give, you may just last. If not, keep going - and if you were left behind, let them keep looking... But you may have been what they wanted and they were not mature enough emotionally to get it... THEIR LOSS.

    If you are under 24, please accept that relationships will come and go. It's growing past the cookie jar... Maybe you will get lucky and find your
    School sweetheart a life partner, but don't be shocked if they want a little break... This is the time for emotional growth. It has to happen or they will be stuck and confused later without an identity.

    If you are over 25, try to find a person who wants more than just a quick snack.

    Heck, Hugh Hefner is nearly 90 and he still wants what he doesn't have. So, don't feel guilty. It's a lifestyle. But if you don't plan on having a mansion and a magazine, consider a balanced meal when looking for a partner. You will be happier. And if they want what they can't have? Let them go. They just want what's in that cookie jar and as we learned as kids, eventually you get sick or lose your appetite.

    Be well. Be happy.


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