My girlfriend broke up with me 5 weeks ago. The relationship lasted 3 years, at various stages she needed her space and said she felt claustrophobic. I duly gave her space and we got back together each time, usually after a couple of days I have often felt unloved at various times in the relationship, I could feel her pushing me away due to this claustrophobic feeling that built up in her.

We knew each other before we met up, here is the complicated bit! We were both married, her ex husband and my ex wife had a child together. I had separated from my wife and her husband left her with 3 children. After about 4 months of her husband leaving her we got together. There was no infidelity here, nor are we related, honest! 

During the 3 years we both went through divorce, her's much more amicable than mine, I went to court on many occasions over finance and finally for a court order for regular access to my son. We always supported each other throughout and very rarely argued.

We never lived together fully, I would stay 3-4 nights at her house sleeping over and most other nights there but not sleep over so it would not affect her benefits from the government..
So to the fateful Day 5 weeks ago where she tells me that she needs a proper break, obviously I am gutted but accept her wishes. She says she loves me but enough to commit to me and that it wasn't fair what she was doing to me. I have been through many emotions over the last 5 weeks, the loss of what I saw as a family, my son and hers were best friends and have known each other all of there lives, and generally the loss of what I saw as my life.

Now I can get over her I know I can and that takes time, however she doesn't seem to be able to let go of me properly. I have been round on say 5 or 6 occasions to her to see her children as I miss them very much, I take my son there so that he can see her children. I got to a point where I could only see it causing hurt to everybody, she would cry, I would leave feeling like crap and her children would want me to stay longer. I told her that I couldn't do it anymore and that I wanted it to stop for the reasons just outlined. She continued to text and I relented convincing myself I would be OK with in time and that it was best that my son could continue to see his best friend.

We have flights booked to all go on holiday in July, we haven't decided if we should go yet, I do have the option (which she is unaware of) to change the names and go with members of my family instead. I asked her the other day on the phone if she was dating anybody else, she said that she had been asked to go out for a drink and that she was considering it, she said she liked the attention and felt flattered by it. I was calm and said if that is what you want to do that is fine. She then texted the next day saying that she wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone, so I assume she declined the offer.

She still texts but seems to love the control of dropping the conversation and leaving it until the next day. I have asked her why she texts and her answer was because she cannot let go of me fully and that she worries for me and the children. So basically I get very mixed signals, or perhaps I just read it that way!

My problem is that I can get over her and move on with time but I will feel guilty with NC because of the children. Any comments and help would be appreciated. Thanks and sorry for the long post.

Could you arrange days when you could drop the kids off and pick them up without seeing her?

She could do the same. Drop the children off at your place and pick them up without having to see you.

Kikat22

Thank you for your reply. Unfortunately that would always mean some form of contact, i.e. texting to arrange etc. We both haveother comittments with out children and time so it could never be a fixed time on a fixed day really.

As a side issue, I assume from my initial post that she keeps me hanging on as a backup plan, in case she decides she made a mistake and later regrets her decision.

Don't let her do that to you. Maybe it would be better to have a liaison to handle the children visiting. If it doesn't work as sad as it is you may have to give up seeing those poor children. Your child will be hurt also but in time maybe you'll see it's the best way.

If there is no future with this woman... then eventually you'll move on and your child and hers will also have to move on. It is a terrible thing for children to lose someone they love, but if you can find someone who will arrange the visitation for both of you.. then try it. You won't have to see her or talk to her and vice versa. Good Luck

I think that maybe for my sanity that I should just cut ties completely, but at this time I do not feel strong enough to do it. As you say it is hard for the children but after all they are not my children, although I treated them all like my own.

I know that she is unhappy and not sleeping and also drinking quite a lot and has said that at times she has resented the children since our split. She is also undertaking a counselling and psychotherapy course which I believe messes with her head. She is confused and says that she is lost but at no point has said she was wrong in her decision. She just texted me again... after leaving texts for 24 hours, am I OK? I think I know what I need to do but also find it hard to let go too.

I'm curious, how old are the kids?

4, 7, 9

My son is 9

What makes you so curious?

Well, if they're old enough to use the phone, they could call and talk to each other just the same way friends do. When I was younger my friends and I would call each other and ask if the other person would like to play. Then it was up to us to ask the parents if that was OK. You know what I mean? It wouldn't be the end of the world if the kids didn't see each other anymore, although it would be hard for them. Kids always make new friends, but if you're concerned about them being able to spend time together, you shouldn't have to talk to your ex. Let the kids put in the effort.

Thank you for your response ZoeMarie

Well as my son doesn't live with me and also there respective ages, I do not think it would be practical and we would always end up getting involved.

I just replied to her latest text asking if I was OK, by simply saying I am fine thanks, and her reply was I may as well have just said F*** Off! 1st ever crossed words since our split.

Wow. Yeah, maybe it's best just to cut all ties.

Are the ex's still involved with each other (besides being parents)? If so that takes care of the children aspect of the relationship.

You don't owe her anything including updates on how you are doing. Cut all ties with her and her children. Give yourself time to heal and then, when you are ready, to find someone who doesn't have any ties to your past.

Well it was a bit naughty of me, I would usually at least ask how she was as well! I guess if you push someone away then she should expect to get pushed back a little herself from time to time. Yes I know it was a little childish, but a drop in the ocean to the feeling of loss I feel.

Not quite sure what you mean re: ex's involved with each other? Her ex husband still see's her 3 children. My ex wife has custody of my son.

You are prob right that I don't owe her anything, My problem is I am too soft and that is something I have to sort out for the future. I guess I put myself in this weak position time and time again.

Ah maybe I know what you mean. The ex's are not involved with each other, they had a child together who is now 19 years old, so a long time ago.

I was confused on the timeline.

It's tough, but I think you would be better off to go NC and try to move on without her.

Healing from a breakup is hard enough, but when you continue texting and calling it just makes it almost impossible to completely break away from.

Cat1864

No worries I get confused myself with who's who to who!

Devorameira

So I should just accept it's over, get out of denial, forget the children's friendships and my own bonds with them and go NC. I guess the chances of her in reality coming back and all of a sudden saying she loves me to bits, can commit to me and actually being the case are quite minimal.

It's obvious that you know the relationship is really over.

It's always tough when there are children involved. If you could have someone do the arranging, then maybe you could have someone pick up her kids and bring them to your house to visit occasionally. At least that way you'd avoid the contact.

When a relationship comes to an end, it doesn't necessarily mean that each party handles the emotions and aftermath in the same way.

Perhaps she really is concerned about you, just as a human being, and she too does not want to see the friendships between the children come to an end, and I agree with that. Why should the kids pay.

It is easy to see mixed emotions come from all angles, and all the people involved. Maybe it is time to simplify things and put a few boundaries in place, so that everyone is comfortble.

When you have visitation with your son, arrange a play date, either at your home, or her home, for a specific amount of hours. Switch each time, and other than saying hello and goodbye, I see no reason why you have to stick around. Tell the other children when they want you to stay, that you have errands to run.

It may take her longer than you to cut ties emotionally, but I get the impression that she thinks the relationship is also over. So let that part be, and let it go. Try not to wonder if what she says means more than just a friendly hello.

If the goal is for the sake of the children, concentrate on that, and don't stick around while her emotions are so close to the surface.

As to the trip, be straight up about that, and suggest it might be a good idea for you to substitute family members. Don't wait for her to decide what to do, and should she decide to go, that puts everyone in a position of compromising- most likely beyond their comfort levels.

Be cordial and polite, but be careful not to get back into thinking there may be a future here. Consider it over, except for the children's sake.

Devorameira & Jake2008

Thank you for your advice. It has taken me some time and a lot of pain to realise that things are more than likely over between us. For me things in relationships are very black and white, either I want to be with someone or I don't. Whilst she has made it clear that she does not want a relationship with me, she should just leave me alone at least enough time for me heal my wounds and then consider the children. It would appear she see's me as an emotional crutch, telling me of her poor state of mind, her general problems, whilst at the same time more than likely texting the replacement! I find it quite sad and selfish that someone can act in this way. I will sort out the holiday issue with her, I know she will become very upset, as will she with the no contact/boundaries.

With regards to the children I cannot really see it working out long term anyway, she will meet someone new as will I, I very much doubt that any new partner would take to the situation very well, seeing as there are no blood lines involved here.