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    fireniz's Avatar
    fireniz Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Jul 17, 2010, 09:19 AM
    Help me figure this out
    I have been in a physical relation with this guy and we're great together.. the chemistry and everything... we lived together (with other friends around) for about 7 months and then he had to leave to another place and since then we video chat and talk on phone everyday.. hes coming over to visit me next month.. all this looks good... but the problem is whenever I ask him - I need to know where this is going.. he says he's got no clue.. says he doesn't believe in commitment.. and one day he said we have to stop if you're expecting stuff because he doesn't want to hurt me.. and then again we never spoke about it.. and things are the usual ( great going actually!)... I really really like this guy.. and he does too, I can tell.. but what's with this commitment thingy? BTW this guy is a player.. but hasn't had any flings after he met me..
    martinizing2's Avatar
    martinizing2 Posts: 1,868, Reputation: 819
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    #2

    Jul 17, 2010, 09:33 AM

    At least be happy he is being honest with you and not building your hopes so they can come crashing down on you.

    It seems he doesn't want a commitment. If you can live with a relationship like this sometimes they work well.

    But if he is a player like you say, expect flings and other women to come into the picture.

    I think you should give it a lot of thought to see if you can go on like this. It can be OK but usually is too much to deal with in the long run.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,314, Reputation: 10854
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    #3

    Jul 17, 2010, 09:46 AM

    I don't understand why you would be in a PHYSICAL relationship with a guy you think is a player? My dear, YOU are the fling, and how do you know he is faithful to you?

    Having said all that, what do you expect from him after only 7 months, lived together, and now separated by space? I can bet he is visiting for a good time and more of that PHYSICAL, you both so much enjoy.

    For sure he doesn't have to commit to you, so how did you think being PHYSICAL, would lead too a commitment in the first place.

    Don't you think the commitment should have come before the PHYSICAL? Maybe that's all he wants is the physical.
    and one day he said we have to stop if you're expecting stuff because he doesn't want to hurt me
    If its commitment you want, he ain't the one to give it to you. Better enjoy the PHYSICAL because that's all he has for you.
    Oddboots's Avatar
    Oddboots Posts: 57, Reputation: 8
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    #4

    Jul 17, 2010, 09:41 PM
    Listen to what he's saying. He doesn't want a commitment.

    That's where it's going.
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
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    #5

    Jul 17, 2010, 09:47 PM

    You're asking to be hurt. He has been honest with you. Back off and leave him alone if you are expecting anthing else.
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #6

    Jul 17, 2010, 10:00 PM
    First of all, the guy isn't a player because he isn't interested in long term commitment.

    What? Every person who ever had sex with someone who wasn't The One is a player?

    Bzzzz.

    He is right and so are you. You just aren't right together.

    Its fine to say "im not ready for a long term committment"... hell... as mentioned, its even refreshingly healthy, even if its not what you want.

    If the guys a player, he tells you what you want to hear. This guy said "this is it... this is what im ready to give"...

    ... and...

    That doesn't mean it has to be right with you. You clearly are too deep in for this... you Like him a little too much for your own good... he has the power. You are a little off balance.

    So... I've had one really great love when it was Really Bad Timing. We were great together. Sex was awesome. We had great fun outside the bedroom. We talked and engaged and we seemed to really connect easily. Just no work needed.

    But it was lousy timing, on her side. She was about 6 years younger than me, at 20, and wasn't ready to settle down. Our "not ready to settle down" relationship lasted two years exclusive. But ultimately, she had to bail. Wasn't ready for anything long term and needed some room to wander.

    Hurt like hell at the time. I made the hard cut. But it was time... I was done with being in limbo. Now... today... I don't regret that one bit... don't regret the time spent, the heartache, or walking away when I was too "off balance"...

    It was nice. Easy. Fun. Often fantastic. But bad timing. She at least had her head about her and was willing to say "i can only do this much"...

    Your boy might be all that and a bag o' chips, but he has pretty clearly said this isn't long term... so... if you stay, its on you. Not him. He isn't playing you... he is telling you where he is at...

    And, as odd as it might seem, a person can be in a comfortable place and be willing to step into the unknown... that's where he is... content to be with you, willing to lose you.

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