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    j2237806's Avatar
    j2237806 Posts: 36, Reputation: 2
    Junior Member
     
    #1

    Jan 9, 2017, 01:57 AM
    I need help and advice. What do I do?
    Hi there. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 11 months now. He's 31 and I'm 21. He has 3 kids with a woman he was with and takes care of his kids. He also thinks he may have a kid with a woman he was with but he doesn't know for sure. While he does take care of the last 3 kids, he hasn't worked for 11 months now and hasn't been able to pay his child support. He got here to the states when he was 20. He doesn't know how to speak English and never went to school. He has worked as a waiter, busser, and as a stock boy. He says he wants to do something to change his life but I don't know and I don't think that'll happen. He's not much of an ambitious person or one that likes to prosper. Meanwhile, I'm only 21 and already have a bachelor's in chemistry and am attending dental school (in my first year). My parents have never met him because they don't accept him because they say he's good for nothing and that I'm so much better and that I've had to pay for his stuff since he hasn't worked for 11 months. Since the beginning, we've had a good relationships but we've had a minor problems because I'm very social yet jealous and he's not social. I've had to change the way I am to make the relationship work. In my school, I can never attend events because he won't let me ago alone and he won't come because he doesn't fit there (he doesn't even speak English). When I had to move away for dental school, he came and we lived together for 4 months. He didn't work (he promised he would) but did help me a lot with the house chores and would give me support sometimes. Sometimes he did like to get me all frustrated and angry. I've been the only girlfriend he's had that have met his kid's. I met them 1 month into our relationship. While we moved away, I even paid some of his child support and even gave his mom money because she's poor but she does work way too much. Idk what kind of future we have because I don't know if he's the man I would want to marry nor do I know if he would be a good dad to my children because to me it's very important my kids become professionals and he probably won't seminate that idea. It's just we see life differently. We went back to our home city and were there for 2 weeks. Then I came back and he was supposed to come the 11th but that changed a lot. Now he's supposedly coming for the 19th. So these last 3 weeks, we've had MANY problems and we almost broke up. The other thing is I've been really liking this guy at school for like 2 weeks now and I believe he may have something for me even though we've never spoken. I want to go out and party (responsibly and when I have time) and enjoy my youth. I can't do that because he doesn't like my friends so we never do anything fun with other people. I'm not sure how I feel about him, but I know I care about him and he's a good guy because he helps me out at home and doesn't have any vices. What should I do? I'm so confused. What do you think? Do I throw away these last 11 months to see what I can find and maybe this guy likes me? I'm scared of never finding anyone ever again that's compatible with me.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
    Ultra Member
     
    #2

    Jan 9, 2017, 04:34 AM
    "Idk what kind of future we have..."

    I disagree. He has shown you what future you can expect. His pattern of behavior is poor choices and lack of motivation. When you see the pattern you can't expect much better than what you have seen. Don't settle for someone that doesn't add to the relationship or you. Move on...
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,321, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #3

    Jan 9, 2017, 06:48 AM
    Walk away clean from the previous 11 months, and make the next 11 BETTER! Enjoy your youth!

    Questions?
    ma0641's Avatar
    ma0641 Posts: 15,681, Reputation: 1012
    Uber Member
     
    #4

    Jan 9, 2017, 08:08 AM
    I see NO future. If you are 21 and worry about never finding someone again, I would say you are a bit immature for 21 and a Chemistry degree. This person has a tremendous financial burden, little motivation and uses you. You see yourself as his saving grace. Get out and meet new people.
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
    Adult Sexuality Expert
     
    #5

    Jan 9, 2017, 08:29 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by j2237806 View Post
    Hi there. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 11 months now. He's 31 and I'm 21. He has 3 kids with a woman he was with and takes care of his kids. He also thinks he may have a kid with a woman he was with but he doesn't know for sure. While he does take care of the last 3 kids, he hasn't worked for 11 months now and hasn't been able to pay his child support. He got here to the states when he was 20. He doesn't know how to speak English and never went to school. He has worked as a waiter, busser, and as a stock boy. He says he wants to do something to change his life but I don't know and I don't think that'll happen. He's not much of an ambitious person or one that likes to prosper. Meanwhile, I'm only 21 and already have a bachelor's in chemistry and am attending dental school (in my first year). My parents have never met him because they don't accept him because they say he's good for nothing and that I'm so much better and that I've had to pay for his stuff since he hasn't worked for 11 months. Since the beginning, we've had a good relationships but we've had a minor problems because I'm very social yet jealous and he's not social. I've had to change the way I am to make the relationship work. In my school, I can never attend events because he won't let me ago alone and he won't come because he doesn't fit there (he doesn't even speak English). When I had to move away for dental school, he came and we lived together for 4 months. He didn't work (he promised he would) but did help me a lot with the house chores and would give me support sometimes. Sometimes he did like to get me all frustrated and angry. I've been the only girlfriend he's had that have met his kid's. I met them 1 month into our relationship. While we moved away, I even paid some of his child support and even gave his mom money because she's poor but she does work way too much. Idk what kind of future we have because I don't know if he's the man I would want to marry nor do I know if he would be a good dad to my children because to me it's very important my kids become professionals and he probably won't seminate that idea. It's just we see life differently. We went back to our home city and were there for 2 weeks. Then I came back and he was supposed to come the 11th but that changed a lot. Now he's supposedly coming for the 19th. So these last 3 weeks, we've had MANY problems and we almost broke up. The other thing is I've been really liking this guy at school for like 2 weeks now and I believe he may have something for me even though we've never spoken. I want to go out and party (responsibly and when I have time) and enjoy my youth. I can't do that because he doesn't like my friends so we never do anything fun with other people. I'm not sure how I feel about him, but I know I care about him and he's a good guy because he helps me out at home and doesn't have any vices. What should I do? I'm so confused. What do you think? Do I throw away these last 11 months to see what I can find and maybe this guy likes me? I'm scared of never finding anyone ever again that's compatible with me.
    Hi,

    Just a quick addition:
    - You're his sugar momma
    - He isn't going to change, and honestly he's seeing a sweet deal.
    - It is ONLY 11 months. A lot of people don't figure out compatibility until month 6 - 18.
    - He's tyring to control you by limiting your exposure to your friends and colleagues.
    - He's been in the country for 10 years, and doesn't know English, you said he isn't motivated. What does that say about the next 40+ years?

    What should you do?
    - Leave. Throwing away 11 months is better then throwing away several years with the bonus of MAYBE getting child support.

    There are a lot of people out there for you. Don't be afraid. Staying in a relationship because your afraid of being alone is the WORST reason, or one of the worst reasons, to stay in a relationship. You need something that you're both committed to, not just you. You will find someone else.
    AlanKinNA's Avatar
    AlanKinNA Posts: 14, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #6

    Jan 9, 2017, 09:40 AM
    Maybe this Internet forum is not the best place to ask.

    I don't know you, and your question is so personal, and so life-supporting (or not).

    How are you who you are? What makes you you? Why would you do so much to support another person who... lots of questions.

    You ask such a personal question which would, to answer it properly, require personal information that you may not wish to post to the internet.

    Have you thought to ask a real person, in-person?

    Do you have a real person you can see in-person?

    That's my thought on this very life-supporting (or not) question.
    ma0641's Avatar
    ma0641 Posts: 15,681, Reputation: 1012
    Uber Member
     
    #7

    Jan 9, 2017, 12:54 PM
    I revisited your post to see if there was something I was missing.

    "The other thing is I've been really liking this guy at school for like 2 weeks now and I believe he may have something for me even though we've never spoken." Dental ESP??


    "I want to go out and party (responsibly and when I have time) and enjoy my youth. I can't do that because he doesn't like my friends so we never do anything fun with other people.

    And you wonder why you are in this particular situation? Bit controlling wouldn't you say? As the old saying goes, "You need some MOXIE". Slang. The quality of mind enabling one to face danger or hardship resolutely:braveness, bravery, courage, courageousness, dauntlessness, doughtiness, fearlessness, fortitude, gallantry, gameness, heart, intrepidity, intrepidness, mettle, nerve, pluck, pluckiness, spirit, stoutheartedness, undauntedness, valiance, valiancy, valiantness, valor. Think you have it? Can you find it?
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #8

    Jan 9, 2017, 06:30 PM
    What I think has little to do with this guy or the possible new guy, or any old boyfriends you have mentioned in the last 2 years.
    What I think has to do with YOU.
    "Do I throw away these last 11 months to see what I can find and maybe this guy likes me? I'm scared of never finding anyone ever again that's compatible with me."

    You are suffering from the 'gotta have a man' complex that so many of us women suffer from - I did many years ago. Before you jump from this lovable loser (not in my book, but you seem to be torn), I suggest that you cool down and be social but very much single for a while. Break up and WAIT. Concentrate on school. You don't even know where your career will take you. Find someone after you have that first or second job. Age 21 is still very very very VERY young.
    cdad's Avatar
    cdad Posts: 12,701, Reputation: 1438
    Internet Research Expert
     
    #9

    Jan 9, 2017, 07:15 PM
    Joy's answer is a great one. You dont need someone to make you whole. You just need you. If I had a crystal ball to look into I would say that this guy is going to jail for non payment of child support. Also you treat his other questionable child as a throwaway. Your looking at your future and your not seeing it.

    Stay single until you have started to settle into life and get direction. This other interest you have is merely your reflection on the situation you have at the moment and an excuse to move on. That relationship should you go for it will soon turn toxic. Enjoy yourself and graduate with the honors you deserve. Then see what others have to offer.

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