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    Sweedypie's Avatar
    Sweedypie Posts: 15, Reputation: 2
    New Member

    Nov 16, 2010, 03:22 AM
    Please help - I need advice what to do!
    If you and your boyfriend is going out for almost 3 years now and he send his first lover a Facebook message to ask how she's doing. Should I worry about it? She does not live in the same place as us and the hardle ever talk he just sometimes ask her how she is doing. It was his first lover , And its like 6 years ago!

    I am a really jealous women and I don't like that he sms her, because they are history and it feels like he is still missing her. I have told him once that I don't like it - and he said he just asked hoe she's doing - nothing more! I get so mad!! I feel like second best and if his not over her! But I do know he loves me!!

    What can I do - please help! Im not going to tell him again that I don't like it.. I want to do something that makes him worry( maybe being quite and just doing my own thing) Or what??
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
    Uber Member

    Nov 16, 2010, 04:42 AM

    Step back and look at the big picture. You said they hardly ever talk and he just sometimes asks how she is doing.

    Have you never wondered how people in your past are doing today? You may not be in contact with them, but if they contacted you, would you ignore them or would you ask how they were doing? It wouldn't mean you were interested in dating them again, or even in continuing a conversation with them... neither of which your boyfriend is doing.

    He is not talking to her all the time, or even quite a bit. He is not hiding the fact that he asks her on occasion how she is doing.
    IF he were actually interested in her, don't you think he would be finding ways to connect with her all the time? That he would be hiding this communication from you?

    Some people let passed relationships go completely, rarely giving them another thought, other than maybe to be thankful they ended it or to take away a learning experience from it. Others wonder on occasion how someone might be doing, maybe the split was amicable. It doesn't mean they would see that person again.

    I understand this sort of brings your radar to attention, but try not to make more out of it then there is. Be careful that you don't allow your imagination to go into overdrive.

    Do not get into a game of trying to come up with something to make him worry.

    Unless you have good reason not to trust that he is being honest with you, do your best to let it go.
    Sweedypie's Avatar
    Sweedypie Posts: 15, Reputation: 2
    New Member

    Nov 16, 2010, 04:57 AM
    He did not tell me about there conversation.. he didn't say anything..

    I Have his password to his Facebook and I saw this morning that he sended her a private message and she replyed! The thing is he wasn't over this girl for a very longtime and I don't know what he is still feeling for her, but I honestly think he still feel something and that he would takr her back anytime if she will let him! I don't kmow.. I don't feel good enough for him I feel like she is the only thing his ever going to love or whatever. Since we started dating his to scared to commit in our relationship because of her.. he' s to scared he gets hurt again and I won't do that to him! What can I do to give him a wake up call?

    Ag I'm just mad and does not like the fact that he talks to her! Because I know a man only makes contact if he misses someone! The first time he did it and I confronted him he first said its not true and that I don't know what I'm talking about!!

    He doesn't want me to know.. and I cannot confront him about it because then he will change his password!

    There must be something I can do,so that he can see something is bugging me??
    Devorameira's Avatar
    Devorameira Posts: 2,461, Reputation: 981
    Ultra Member

    Nov 16, 2010, 06:23 AM

    I'm sure that you are upset that he contacted her at all. Try to calm down. Just asking how someone is doesn't mean that he wants to get back with her. You are way too jealous for your own good and just may end up running him off.

    There's really nothing you can do without telling him that you read the message. If you do tell him, he should (out of respect for you) quit.
    mmresd's Avatar
    mmresd Posts: 2,002, Reputation: 553
    Ultra Member

    Nov 16, 2010, 10:39 AM
    You are being paranoid. That's it. He is saying something to someone that he has known for several years, and all he is saying how are things going... a common question you ask to anyone who you know for a long time but haven't had contact in a while if you ask me. Don't do anything because you THINK something is going to happen because of the irrational fear that you are experiencing. Because if you do, and it comes out, and trust me, when you do spiteful things they come out, and he didn't do anything you just betrayed him. If you don't like something he is doing, if it is nothing wrong, then you are going to have to look the other way, stop looking at his Facebook or take him off your news feed. Don't use the "jealous woman" excuse that so many girls do... FIX IT! Jealousy is a sickness that rises from insecurities and faulty confidence... this is your issue so you fix it yourself, it takes work, trust me I used to be REALLY jealous, but it is something that you have to fix on your own, not something that he should be involved at. If you are sure he loves you, then you are going to have to learn to trust him, since clearly you don't already, let me warn you this type of actions from you not might, but WILL end your relationship it is a clicking time bomb if you don't learn to control yourself, so start working on it ASAP!! Because without trust there is impossible to have a successful relationship (I have learned the hard way, please don't do the same).

    If you tell him you read it, it will accomplish two things, 1) you will be showing him how much you DON'T trust him. And 2) that you are willing to disrespect his privacy at a moments notice without any hesitation at all.
    If you don't want to be in this position again, STOP LOOKING!! Because when you do, you go in there with a negative state of mind, and let me tell you, a message saying "Hi" to any girl will bother you, so stop before you cause yourself any more internal damage, and specially before you make the damage spread to him as well.

    Give him a wake up call? Are you crazy? He has done NOTHING!! He said hi to an old friend and you are not even supposed to know, if he didn't want you to know is probably the same reason of why I am writing this to you. You are over reacting and need to have some self control, and if you can't then you probably shouldn't be in a relationship in the first place. If he had something to hide, you wouldn't find it anyway, so stop looking. If you think your small detective work will ever pay off let me warn you now that the only thing it will do is end your relationship (and future relationships), and make you emotionally exhausted, please stop, I have been in your shoes more than once and trust me when I say that it can get pretty ugly... So, just enjoy him as your boyfriend, and chill out about all the stories that pop up to your mind, it takes work, but if you love him, which is what you should be doing since he loves you, then just enjoy time with him instead of creating havoc in your mind every time you see something "strange". Your own personal and relational aspects of your life will be much happier that way, so fight to achieve it. It is all in your mind.

    Good Luck,


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