Hello,

So about 7 months ago I started dating this guy. From the beginning I really liked him because he had all the qualities I'd been hoping for in a guy... smart, attractive, funny, etc. However, I was admittedly guarded because I knew I liked him a lot and I didn't want to get my hopes too high and then be terribly disappointed. After we'd dated a month (about 2 to 3 dates a week), he called me and said that he wasn't feeling what he thought he should be for me and also something along the lines of that I was really quiet and that he kept trying to pull something out of me that he couldn't (in reference to my being so reserved).

I explained to him that I was being so reserved because I liked him so much and that I was just protecting myself, which he said he understood, so we should try a few more dates. The next date we had was very awkward with him being very distant, then we didn't talk again. 3 months later, he texts me asking how I've been. We end up meeting for lunch and discuss things. He says that while we were dating he felt that he was the one to always initiate things and that I was so reserved that he couldn't get through. He did say he still liked me. I once again explain that I was trying to avoid getting hurt, and why hadn't he mentioned that he felt he was initiating everything. He thought he had (but he hadn't), and when I pointed that out he felt bad because we could've talked about it.

Anyway, that conversation ended with him saying "let's start over, with both of us initiating." So we started hanging out again and my feelings started to grow, but something didn't feel right so I called him and told him my feelings and asked his, because we were getting more comfortable with each other and learning more about each other than when we were originally dating. He said that he really liked how we were getting to know each other, but we should continue on that track as friends. He then said how he wasn't sure how he felt about me and he didn't want to enter into a relationship not being sure, then he said that it takes him a really long time to fully warm up to someone (it took him a year to call his last boyfriend his boyfriend), he didn't think he could have a relationship even if he wanted one... basically everything and the kitchen sink.

I agreed to be friends and we've been hanging out very consistently for 4 months now. We see each other at least 1-2 times a week, I can feel us developing a great rapport and becoming very comfortable with each other (since we are both admittedly slow to warm up), and it just seems to me that he likes me based on his behavior... hugs that go for a bit too long, the fact that he wants to see me so often, he seems to want me to be a fairly permanent part of his life... I often hang out with him and his roommate, I'm often invited to his apartment, I spend time around his dog (weird point, but he looooves this dog)... all things that he doesn't allow with a lot of people. So, I believe he genuinely has feelings for me, but I'm wondering if he really does just need time, because from what he has told me about his past dating experience, he often needs more time to decide his feelings than those he has dated would like, or if we've entered into a territory where we're becoming such good friends that that's all we will be.

I just imagine him finding someone else and me not being able to be friends with him after that. I've tried to suppress my feelings for him beyond friendship... seek out other dates, tell myself that he's not the only guy in the world... but it's not easy finding quality dates. Finally, he's become one of my closest friends in that we share a ton of the same interests, same sense of humor, demeanor, and finally he's very dependable as a friend. He's a good friend, but I can't shake the feeling of wanting more than that, so should I just see how things go or what?

So just talk to him. Ask him where he thinks the relationship is going.

You guys may be good friend material but nothing else. Both of you need to stop being so reserved and just talk to each other. Communication! It's important.

Hi,
Thanks for the quick reply. My fear in bringing it up is that I will ruin the good thing we do have which is a good friendship. I've come to rely on him to be there as a friend, and I don't want to make things awkward by bringing it up. Also, I don't know for sure what I'd gain from asking. After all, he said he just wanted to be friends (although he didn't know if the would change in the future), but if it had changed, he would've likely said something since he knew that I was interested in a relationship with him.

Then you need to ask yourself if you are willing to settle for friendship knowing how you really feel about him.
What you would gain by asking is knowing one way or the other. Knowing whether you want to waste your time hoping for something from him or get a life with someone else.
I'm sure you are going to want to have a romantic relationship at some point in time

Hello,

I dated a guy for about a month and then he said that he wasn't feeling what he thought he should be and things ended. I still had strong feelings for him, but over the few months following, I worked to get over him. After 3 months, he texts me and we have lunch, and he says he still likes me and let's start over. However, I soon found out that he wanted to be friends. I always felt there were mixed feelings though and sometimes mixed signals, so 4 months into us being friends, I ask for clarification if he has any interest in us being together as more than friends. He says he still doesn't want more than friendship at this point, but he doesn't have many close friends (at which point he starts crying), and he hopes we can stay friends. I was touched by how important us being friends was to him, and in any case I went into the conversation saying I still wanted to be his friend. He ended up saying that if either of us ended up dating another guy, he would like us to be able to talk about it. I have very few close friends and we do have a good connection, so I do want to keep the friendship, but I also have some anger. I get angry when I think of him dating someone else, and how if that happens, he gets the pleasure of my company and the pleasure of that and more with someone else on top of it. Can we really be friends? Can I get past these feelings or am I just deluding myself? Should I just face the issue of him dating someone else when it happens? I know that part of getting over him will be reaching out to other people (as dates and friends), but what do I do in the meantime?

If you are good friends you tell him how you feel. Tell him it is difficult being just friends because you still have feeling for him. Maybe you just limit the amount of time you spend with him.
Is this guy gay?

Hello. Well, I dated this guy about 8 months ago and he ended things. I had strong feelings for him, so when he came back months later wanting to hang out I agreed, under the guise of friends. I realized I still had feelings for him, and told him, but he still doesn't want a relationship. There is this underlying tension between us where I know the feelings go beyond friendship, but clearly not to the romantic on his part, but I keep falling into this place of given enough time, he'll change his mind and realize how great I am. However, I don't want to wait around for something that may never come, so I'm wondering if it's a good idea to go on dates with other guys to see what's out there and perhaps bury the feelings I have for this guy. I'm get lonely a lot and really want the connection that comes with a relationship, but is dating other people really a feasible way to get over these other feelings?

You should try and date other people because there is no point waiting around for a guy who doesn't have feelings for you.

You go NC (no contact) with this guy, this will help you get over him, then you live your life. You are an option to this guy, his back up plan. You deserve better.

Hello,

About a year ago, I dated a guy for a month. After a month, he broke up with me saying that he kept trying to pull something from me, but he wasn't able to. Basically, he was saying that I wasn't opening up to him. At first, I wrote it off as being something with him, but thinking back on my past relationships and even friendships and work relationships, this same issue has come up where I've been perceived as not being open. It has in the past taken me years to reach that level with someone which is much too long. Now I've accepted that as something I need to work on if I hope to form the sorts of relationships I desire. Anyway, this guy a few months after we broke up contacted me. It turns out he wanted to be friends and we've been friends for the past 8 months. However, I still have very strong feelings for him and I've never found anyone more perfect for me I feel. Also, there does seem to be tension there that I feel is more than friendship. Since I've realized that I need to open up more to people, I'm trying to do so with him. My question is, considering he ended things with me because I wasn't open with him, is it a bad idea to hang out with him in the hopes that if I am finally open and comfortable that it will rekindle some interest? I know I haven't been open and he hasn't been able to see the person that I am with people I have opened up to. It's just tough because I can't seem to get over him in the current situation, but he's one of the best friends I've had... I don't have very many currently... and I don't want to lose that. I feel between a rock and a hard place. He knows I still have feelings for him... which I brought up to him a few months back... so talking to him about it I don't feel would do so much good.

You only dated him for a month, What kind of opening up was he expecting in a month?

Just open your mouth to tell him your feelings, that will make things easier.

Hello,

So I dated a guy for a month a little over a year ago, but after the month he said he wasn't feeling what he thought he should so we lost touch. We're both guys if that makes a difference. A few months later, he came back wanting to be friends, which I agreed to--although he wasn't initially clear that friends was all he wanted to be. So, when I revealed I still had feelings for him, he said he didn't want to pursue a relationship because he felt "ambivalent." However, I tried to get him to just shut me down completely and say I was missing something he was looking for no more how intangible, but he outright refused to say so... instead opting for things like he didn't know what the future held, it takes him a long time to decide things sometimes etc. etc. Only recently has he described what he means by ambivalent. He says that it means he feels strongly in both directions about the person... i.e. either a romantic relationship or friendship, and he gets confused about his feelings and goes toward friendship. However, he says he remains friends with most of his exes for this reason. I told him it makes sense for someone with ambivalent feelings to keep exes around as friends (but the part I didn't share was how it suggests some sort of commitment issue), to which he replied that he is friends with exes to varying degrees, but the he isn't as close to any of his other exes as he is to me. Meanwhile, I still feel the tension between us and I know feelings are there. However, he still goes on dates, and I wonder if the reason he is not with someone (me included) is that he is standing in his own way and needs to get past commitment issues, or it is instead the case that he will one day find someone he is not ambivalent about. I honestly think I'm in love with him, and I have told myself to step back or cut ties, but where I live it is hard to connect with people period on any deep level (nevermind finding another guy to date), and I don't want to lose that with him, even if it means just being friends. However, it's really painful sometimes to deal with. I'm not even completely sure of my question, but I truly don't see myself cutting ties with him, so I wish there was some way to satisfy myself with the friendship. There is still a part of me though that hopes for more. I guess I wonder if having a good friendship is worth the painful moments, since good friendships are so hard to come by.

You do what you know you should do and cut ties with him. You cannot make him feel something he doesn't but you can stop putting yourself in this position.
You are in control.

ALL threads have been merged together.

Just be friends, and waste no more time speculating about having more than friendship. At least you will stop this more than a year confusion and let other people places and things in your life. I mean he is having a great time and has many exes, and I bet you can't say the same because he is the only fun you know.

Expand your options and learn how to have a great time in many ways. You need more options rather than waiting for him to
Supply you with MORE. You sound like such GREAT friends and that's a valuable thing to have.