Check out some similar questions!

veiled violet · May 6, 2008, 12:49 AM

I've been dating a guy for about a year and he absolutely hates a male co-worker of mine who I am good friends with. Admittedly I used to flirt a lot with this co-worker and even kissed him once before I was dating this new guy. Now we're just good friends (and we still do talk a lot) so my boyfriend has made it into the biggest issue. It affects him daily and we've gotten into huge fights about it that always end in crying on both sides. He was cheated on by his past girlfriend so he is terrified it will happen again. It just becomes a living hell for me because my boyfriend ordered me to not speak to this guy and not be his friend. I thought it was ridiculous which just caused more trouble. Now I feel guilty when I talk to my work friend. My boyfriend goes through my phone quite often checking on me. He even said he wanted to kill this other guy he hated him so much. Although I don't think he was really serious. He was hurt so bad by his last relationship I can understand his fear. But when is it too much? My boyfriend wants to move into my apartment and loves to talk about getting married and having kids. But I'm totally not ready. He understands but he gets mopey and sad about it. If I don't let him stay over for one night even he gets sad. He outright told me that when we're not together there's always a thought in the back of his mind that I'm with someone else.

MommyLeah · May 6, 2008, 03:20 AM

That is not normal. You should move on before he get so obsessed that he tries to hurt you for not "obeying" him. Have you watched any of those shows/movies that are based on true stories? I don't want to scare you but he sounds like those guys. Since I haven't met him it is hard to say but based off your description, he is far too possessive! If he was normal and really loved you he would trust you and not be concerned about this other guy. Yes his old relationship plays a role in his feelings but he sounds really extreme! Good luck with your decision!

talaniman · May 6, 2008, 09:01 AM

He was hurt badly before, and has not dealt with it very well, and will affect all aspects of his life. You already see the results, and its not normal, nor is it healthy. Giving in to this behavior makes it so much worse, and marriage, not on your life. Find someone who is healthy, or... you've only got A GLIMPSE OF YOUR FUTURE WITH HIM. He needs some help that you can't give him.

HistorianChick · May 6, 2008, 11:11 AM

Sweetie, a successful relationship is built upon two things, trust and communication. It doesn't sound like you're effectively capitalizing on either one...

I recommend sitting down, laying out your feelings of frustration and justified questioning of his motives, and tell him what this is doing to you in an attempt to "start fresh" on your relationship. This is a character problem for him.. yes, he's been hurt and he may be a little gun shy, but it doesn't give him the right to "order you not to talk to" your friend. He doesn't trust you.

Without trust, the success rate for a stable relationship is sadly low.

You deserve someone that trusts you completely - and vice versa.

JBeaucaire · May 6, 2008, 11:21 AM

Tal is right. You're empowering his dangerous and inappropriate behavior towards you. Stop the fights now. Your friendships, your phone, your personal life away from him are off-limits. He needs to return to "courting you" and deal with his own demons... or you will walk.

And you better be able to do it. Loving him is NO EXCUSE for you to ignore the clear message he's giving you about what you can expect from him in the future. Stop protecting him, he misbehaves and it costs him... he loses time with you. He keeps it up, he loses you permanently.

This is your only position with him on this, forever. You are in control, and you must nip in the bud the idea he has that he has any say over you in these areas.

ConfusedInAK · May 6, 2008, 01:25 PM

I agree with all of the posts above. The isolation usually begins with one person, but if/when your "boyfriend" decides you are spending too much time with any and all of your friends, and that they too are a threat to your "relationship", it will only get worse.

This type of posessiveness is not normal. So far he has only singled out one guy, but the fact that he checks up on you, checks your phone, etc. shows his immaturity. Not to mention the violent threats against your friend.

I am speaking from a point of experience.

I had a boyfriend that started this way about 10 years ago. Isolating me from friends, then checking up on everything I did, following me to work (my manager had to kick him out several times) as well as stalking me. He went so far as to unplug our phone and lock me in the house on occasion when I didn't have to work. He was always accusing me of cheating on him, even though I had no contact with people at all. This progressed in to a very physically abusive relationship that I was lucky to escape.

Now I'm not saying this is where your guy is headin' but if he doesn't get help from somewhere... he may be headin' down a very dangerous road.

cozyk · Sep 4, 2008, 06:34 AM

RUN, run as fast as you can!! He is unbalanced and has major issues.