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I'm engaged, I love him but I'm only 19. When he proposed I hesitated but it was in front of his parents so it wasn't really in the cards for me to explain to him that I'm not ready. I did tell him that I wanted a long engagement and by long I mean like 6 years. I'm always so confused but I know I love him so much, but now that we are so serious I always question if we should even get married or not. I know that if he would have waited a few years and maybe asked me when I was 24 I probably would have said yes, but I'm not sure if its because I'm so young that I'm so confused or if it is because of some underlying thoughts I may have without realizing them. How do I know he is the right one? :confused:

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a long engagement.

Just enjoy your relationship.

If you have already told him you want to wait then pick a date 6 years out and see how it goes. 18 months before the date then you can start planning. Until then you will have plenty of time to save and plan and see if the relationship is right.

I agree completely. Just because you are smart enough to know you are young, doesn't mean you have to second guess the whole relationship. If you are meant to marry him, it will happen when YOU are ready.

And if it turns out that you don't want to, it is a lot cheaper to break off a long engagement than to file for divorce.

Lol, what a good solution to a hard problem, a long engagement. You should enjoy getting to him until your sure of what you want.

You have done very well giving yourself time, to figure it out for yourself.

I think your smart enough to know your not sure. That's great for someone your age not to be blinded by the bling on your finger. Just remember its never to late to change your mind. You can start walking down that aisle and change your mind. It's the "I do" that ties you. Just go with the engagement and keep loving him. In time you will know how you feel and which direction to go.

I'm in love with someone, I don't know if I want to marry him. We are engaged, but I told him I didn't want to be. Life is so hard, tears fill my eyes when I think of him and how he must feel about me right now, but if I'm not 100000% sure about it I don't want to marry anyone, and it breaks my heart to let him go, but I think in the end someday he will be happy I did. We haven't broken up yet, I just want things to be the way they were but I'm guessing they will never be like they were in the beginning because the excitement will never be the same and neither of you have broken trust at that point and its so mysterious... if this is what I want, why does it hurt so bad? :confused:

I'm not sure what kind of response I want from this, just maybe some supportive past experiances or something. Maybe you could tell me what exactly I'm thinking? Maybe the men could tell me how they felt if its ever happened to them, because he genuinely loves me and takes care of me and is good to me, and I just can't figure out why I don't want to marry him.

Thanks

Yup, this is happening to me now.

I'm engaged to a girl who does not really want to ever get married, but she loves me and doesn't want to be without me, but she knows this is the only way, so she said she will just do it, marry me, but she has so many problems with it and its just so hard for her.

She breaks up with me on a weekly basis and comes back to me in a few days saying she is sorry and she still wants to try, and since I love her, I let her back in, only to have the same thing happen to me again next week.

If you man is anything like me, he is very hurt by this, but he loves you. He proposed to you and wants to spend his life with out, but he heels a little worthless right now, that the girl he loves doesn't want to marry him.

As much as you tell us its not us, it's the fact that you don't want to get married, we just don't seem to understand that. We are that in love with you, and are hurt that you don't seem to love us enough to marry us.

I guess there is nothing much I say say here, because I'm feeling very bad about my situation and hearing what you said lets me know that I'm not alone. Basically, you man loves you and he is hurting because you won't marry him. He doesn't know how to feel right now, and feels there is something wrong with him.

The best thing you could do right now is be there for him, try to explain to him why you don't want to get married and hope for the best, maybe he will understand, maybe he won't. I'm Sorry

I'm going to offer a slightly different perspective. I believe that we should be honest with ourselves and with others and that it's incumbent on us to share our feelings with our 'important' others about things that may affect them.

You're feeling uncertain about commitment to marriage. This is fair enough, and I don't envy you this dilemma. If you're uncertain then you must communicate this with your partner, so that they can make a decision about how to respond.

I'm not saying this will be easy, however your partner needs to know what you're thinking and feeling because it concerns them. Yes, it may well hurt them and you will feel dreadful knowing that you're the architect of that hurt, but in the end they will respect you for telling the truth.

Well I think for sure you should talk it out. I mean with the divorce rate what it is today and reading some of these threads in here don't get married unless you are that sure. If you walk down that aisle and your not sure you will always wonder what "might have been" which will only lead to trouble in your marriage I am guessing. Its better to not be sure and wait then to not be sure and marry then divorce when you realize it shouldn't have been.

If you're not feeling 100% about marriage, then don't do it. Marriage is a life long commitment or at least should be, it's not a trial period for a relationship. You also don't go into marriage with problems on your plate. You need to take some time and think about what is best FOR YOU, not him. Decide what you would like to do and then stick to it

Having been in his shoes, I can only tell you that for all the misery, and pain of a break up, being honest with him will be greatly respected years down the road, when he finds his own happiness, and has good memories of you, for being honest with him.

Having been in this situation recently (and thus my opinion is jaded by the particulars of my situation), don't drag this out. Nothing good is going to come from your uncertainty. I think you should be honest, direct, and end it as amicably as possible.

My boyfriend and I just broke up, he initiated the conversation. His intuition or something was obviously telling him that something was wrong, which it had been for the past 2 months. I hadn't been feeling the same way I did the previous 2 years, I was so in love with him, way more than he loved me but I didn't care, until I started falling out of love then I realized how much he did love me but it just happened, I think its because I'm young and changing. We have different goals and everything, and because I didn't see myself marrying him one day he brought it up and confronted me about it and we ended up breaking it off. He was extremely upset, but didn't try and convince me to stay with him he took it like a man, and took the truth. The thing that hurts is that I still love him so much, but I'm not in love with him. And he said it was 2 years down the drain if we didn't end up getting married, but for me those were two of the greatest years of my short life so far, he showed me what love really really was, and how I should be treated and what I should expect, and not to be jealous and to trust and I wouldn't be who I am right now with out him, so my question is this I suppose: when will he be OK? What can I do so he doesn't hate me in the future? I definitely want to be friends with him again someday, he is one of the most amazing people I've ever met and its sad for me that its over, but I know it's the right thing.

Sorry to break it to you but don't contact him if you want him to get better. If you contact him or you want to stay friend, it will only hurt him in the long run and I doubt this is what you want. You broke up with him and it rarely ever works the ex-girlfriend staying friend (I'm also talking about own experience). You cannot change the way he will feel about you (anger or hate) and that is his right.

You are also in shock and sad, I suggest you take this time to concentrate on yourself and not get into a rebound as it may be damaging. Good luck.

He will be fine in his own time. The best thing for you to do is to remain friendly toward him, even if/when he turns sour about you. People often need to justify their breakup by disqualifying their ex in some way, getting angry, inventing reasons, etc. Don't take it personally if he does. It's not really about you. It's common human nature. But don't go out of your way to interact with him. Let him be.

He is wrong about it being 2 years down the drain if it didn't end up in marriage. A relationship isn't an investment that's supposed to pay off at the "end." The payoff is every day; you grow together and want to continue. Knowing that you would not marry him, you did the right thing, and so did he.

You have a better perspective. You both grew to your next step. Be grateful.

Tao

Wow, well... you are young and yes it is good to shop around but this guy sounds like he could be Mr. Right. And it is perfectly OK to never marry and or ever committ to a relationship or ever have children. But if you intend to remain single and never intend on having children it is important to put that out there in the beginning of your relationships so that the men in your life don't have to feel as though the time they spend with you is time down the drain.

You might not ever find a guy that will love you the way you describe this guy who you have fallen out of love with, but still love so much. But one thing you will find out for sure is that intense IN love doesn't last over time with anyone. IN love changes to a deeper level of love *which feels not as intense, that endures the test of time and the trials and tribulations of life.

Staying in a (love) relationship takes work no matter what stage you are in.

You are in luck. Time is a good healer of the heart. He will find a lucky lady and before you can remember that you fell out of love, he will be gone.

My dad told me not to hold back on my dreams or take a chance because I'm scared of losing someone or something. I gained so much by having known him and I want to get married and have kids but not for another 8 years or more, he wanted it now. I figured there was a better match for him out there that wanted the same things. I know I will always love him, and I think he will always love me. Thanks for everyone's input

He will be fine if you leave him alone and let him heal his way. As far as how long before you can be friends, and keep him in your life? Sorry there is no answer to that, and when you decide to break up, you risk losing a friend too. May not seem fair, but it works out in the end. He gets to move on with his life in a healthy way, and so can you.

Your dad is 100% right. The only relationship you will have for life is the one with yourself. People will come and people will go, but you will have to answer to the person in the mirror forever. If you have a goal then do and don't worry about losing anything but rather gaining the goal.

I have to say you are very mature about break ups. What a great attitude to have towards an ex.

Your dad is right. My advice to my own children was to make sure they were well on their chosen path before committing to a relationship. A person you are in a relationship with can interfere with what you would choose for yourself if you were otherwise responsible only to yourself. You might not attain your dream if you become involved in a relationship before your dream even begins...