I have been dating my boyfriend for 7 months now. I am 42 and he is 47.
Although I feel that he really likes me, he has never said that he loves me.
We are not in our 20s I know but I feel I am falling for him plus he has never done anything that makes me uncomfortable and he is a real gentleman.
Should I be concern?
Thanks,

Some people have difficulty moving on with love. I believe from experience that it is possible to move on from a person, but not from an emotion. If he has had a significant relationship in the past, it is entirely possible that he did once believe that the person he was with was 'the one' and told that person many times that he loved them. To get over that relationship probably took a long time, and he probably never believed he could love anyone again. We all know however, that you can.

My advice would be to give him time. He no doubt has feelings for you given that you've been together longer than a casual fling would last, so enjoy it for the moment and if in another 8 months or so he has still not said the words you want to hear, cross that bridge when you come to it.

Hope that helps.

Judytal whatever the reason is he isn't saying he loves you, don't worry about. It's different when your in your 40's people tend to take things a little slower. Enjoy the relationship right now. There are probably many reasons he is afraid to say those three words, when the times comes and it's the right moment , he will say it. I know myself I am in my 50's and as we get older, its not like when we are in our 20's you tend to look more for companionship. I know I do, I have been hurt plenty of times, and it wouldn't be that easy for me today to spill out those words. Good luck and enjoy each other.

My boyfriend was not one to say "I love you". He said he never said it to his ex girlfriend that he dated for 1.5 years. He said that he's not going to say it if he doesn't mean it.
Lucky for me, he started saying it within the first month, so now I know he means it. It's been two years and he's still saying it.

Slow down some will you?

7 months barely is enough time to scratch the surface of knowing how you feel, let alone know how he feels, so give this time before you start getting so in love, you miss the whole point of dating, to have fun getting to know each other, and can this go further?

Let it develop, don't force it, as neither of you is that old.

Too much, to fast, crash and burn!!

Some people never say they love you
But actions speak louder than words

I don't think you should be concerned. You should be, however, enjoying yourself, enjoy this time of the relationship. Love takes time to grow and develop.

If your relationship is exclusive and a sexual one, it is difficult to not speak the words and to not hear them... just from my experience.

Well, I am back. (I had this question before https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/he-never-said-he-loved-me-373783-new.html )

It has been a year now. I listened to your advice and didn't push anything and tried to enjoy the beautiful thing that I had (and still have) with him. He is still sweet and caring and kind yet not saying anything about love.

Yesterday, I asked him how he feels about me and he said that he is fond of me. I said, that means you don't love me but you don't want to say that and he said this is nothing that cheers you up.

Well, we talked about it. He said he likes me and I am special to him but he doesn't feel all of the sparkles and excitement of being in love. He said I feel that I have been married to you for 10 years already and maybe we are too compatible. He also said he has never had to change anything in his life for me and he has never had a challenge and we got along so easy and so well and maybe that is the reason he hasn't feel the spark. I asked him if he has ever felt that way about any woman and he said no.

I told him that it is very important to me to be in a relation with someone who loves me and I will never stay in a relation if I know that person wouldn't love me back but that is not something we ( I) can force to happen. He said he cares about me and I am close to perfect and he knows I am all he needs and maybe if he feels he is losing me that makes him realize what he has and what he will miss if I am not there.

He said maybe if we don't talk everyday or if we stop seeing each other for a while, maybe that helps
But when he was leaving me he said, anyway, I will call you tomorrow.

Ok, I think you know the rest... it is pretty typical.

I asked him to make a list of all he wants and see if he can find them in me. Also I asked him to talk to someone (which I think would be his friend. I don't think he would seek a professional help) and I will do all I can to help him to find his true answer.

My question is what should I do? I know you might say give him some space but what if he calls every night as he did in the past year. All of my friends believe that he loves me because all he does is perfect. All of his friends and family also like me and we seem to be just lucky to be together.

Is it possible that he just don't know what he wants or I am scared and trying to deny he doesn't love me.
Not doing anything and let him find himself is also a way but again he said I have never forced him to do anything and maybe that is the reason he felt that way.

I am lost again.

Please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread so that we can follow your story

Sounds like it's becoming a one-way relationship.

You're willing to put in the effort to make it work, but he's drifting away. Giving him time and space would confirm that he rather not work on the relationship with you, but rather go do this own thing.

If your feelings for one another is not on the same page after 1 year, then maybe you're better off going your separate ways and finding someone else that feels the same way about you.

I think he cares a lot, but maybe your so available he is taking you being there for granted.

Back up, and make surer your life is balanced, with a lot more things than him, and his needs.

He shouldn't be the only thing you have going for you that makes you happy. And he should maybe miss you some, and show he cares by chasing you.

Mind you I didn't say cut all contact, and see what he does, but miss a few calls, or not respond right away, or have something else to do besides his laundry, small things like that.

That gives you both time to evaluate your feelings for one another, without ultimatums.

Your boyfriend seems like a very honest and caring person. I'm sure it wasn't easy for him to tell you how he feels, but he respected your feelings enough to do it.

I think that time away from each other will give you a better perspective.

Do YOU love him? Are you 'in love' with him? Have you expressed your feelings to him? or have you just asked about his feelings...

Sometimes later in life, people just get LAZY.:rolleyes: and comfortable thinking it's always going to be there.

It's still less than a year, maybe he's slow:D;)

May I take a slightly divergent approach to this question?

Perhaps you both have different ideas of what love means. He has, by his own admission, never been 'in love'. He clearly feels comfortable with you, you're compatible and he cares about you a great deal.

Your concept of love is something more visceral, passionate, romantic even, and I think it's getting in the way of you having a good relationship.

Nowhere in your post do you say whether you love him or not, and yet the relationship hinges on his declaration of love for you.

Do you feel the 'sparkles and excitement' of being in love with him? It may be that you don't and so the feeling isn't reciprocated.

This sounds like a dream relationship to me - he's kind, considerate and everyone thinks you're good together. I don't think that you should force him to do anything, but I do think that you might create some sparkle between you.

Don't be available on a daily basis, flirt with him a little when you see him, make your outings special, text him romantic notes (occasionally) - begin to create the energy of excitement and who knows, the dynamic may begin to change.

Don't be passive and don't throw away a great relationship simply because he isn't saying the words that you want. His actions speak for themselves.

Thanks everybody,
You have no idea how helpful you are to people like me that are a bit perfectionist and are worry about everything. I was almost immobilized in the past 2 days.
I do love him. I have been only with 3 other man in my life and he is totally me. I told him several times that I feel he is a male version of me. Things that we do, things that we say are very much like each other. We share great deal of our values which is very important to me. At the early stage of our relation, I stopped telling him my opinion because I was thinking he speaks my word just to please me but it was not that. He thinks a lot like me. And this is what he is also referring.
I told him that I love him 2 days ago when he said he does not. It was between my cries and I told him, I am sorry to tell you this now and I hoped it was a better day to say that. I was actually waiting for him to say it first because I didn't want to force him to do anything. I was thinking if I say that I love him, he might get scared about what I expect him to do after that (which I also told him the same day).
I have started thinking about not being available (in a sweet and not angry way) and also thinking about asking him to do some stuff “for me” because it makes me happy.
I also am looking for some fun and sexy gift for him for Christmas like some games or a couple massage.
He called me last night and asked me 3 times in 15 sec conversation “how are you?” I told him that I am talking to my dad and have to hang on on him.
I do see sparkle with him that to me translates to “peace”. I told him couple of weeks ago that I just remembered it has been a long time that I haven't cry. He said “what? Time for a good cry? ” and I said “no, you don't make me cry and you always protect me and I am thankful and lucky to have you.”
I also told him 2 days ago that I will do whatever I can think of to work this out because this is the meaning of being in a committed relationship to me. I am committed to make this relation work.
I have to be more creative. I will.
He just sent me this message: “Hey. Good morning. I understand if I'm not high on your list of people to talk to, but I'm here if you need. “

It sounds like your boyfriend really cares about you, but does not love you the way that would make you happy.

It sounds like a one-way relationship if you are the one saying you will do whatever you can think of to work "this" out.

This sounds like one of those relationships that could benefit from you spending more time on yourself. I don't really recommend "not making yourself available" as a strategy, because if you're doing it to make him more interested, then it's still the same problem--all your focus is on him. I've been in those relationships where a woman was "too available." What would have really made me happy would not have been her pretending to be hard to get, but if instead she had a passion or interest of her own that resulted in her having some independence. Perhaps playing hard to get can trigger the same result, but in my opinion it will be forced and is much more difficult to maintain, as it will be a front. Once you start to feel comfortable again, you'll probably revert back to an old pattern. But if you genuinely develop something in your life that holds your interest, you won't have to pretend at it later on. And I'd bet he'd become more interested in you. As it stands right now, it sounds like all of your energy is on trying to make him like you more, which is impossible, when my guess is it would be better served spent on things that make you like yourself more. Once you have that going on, you'll find you're less worried about whether he "loves" you, because you'll know that if he doesn't, there's someone else out there who will.

Having said all that, I also wonder about the man. Your descriptions of his responses sound like someone who cares but doesn't know how or isn't willing to play the role required to be your partner. Relationships require equal effort, and that sometimes means doing things we're not dying to do or say in order to maintain them. Sounds like you're already doing that too much, and he's not doing it enough. Do it less. Give him space to do it a little. See what happens.

Hello all,

It was one of “those” days. I cried almost all the time. I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't go to sleep till morning. I went to my Yoga dance class but cried (all secretly) over each move. Went to my dentist and picked the wrong DVD to watch (Traveling to Italy) and cried over all the scene with a boat in it (he is really into boat and we had a plan to buy one), passed our brunch place and cried, went to Home Depot and felt him there and cried, came back home and gosh, it is hard. It hurts too hard, too deep

He called me last night (he always does ever night) and we talked for an hour about some workout routine and our day at work and then he said he talked with his friend about this issue. He just said that he has to go and read a bit about friendship, love and fluctuation. I told him it is good hat you have your friend to talk to specially because he is not a type of person that just says “yes, you are right”.

This friend and I have never met. He said his friend told him that he has to stop pretending and pleasing other people all the time and start being more of himself. (I crashed there... he was pretending all the time? Is it a chronic issue? How can someone pretend to be that close, that sweet, that good... and well, I didn't say anything).

I told him about this website but didn't say any detail (he didn't ask too). He said, he has to think and study and find what he wants because “as you said, this is not fair to you”. (Now, I am thinking, this pain is not fair too. This pretending was not fair too.) I asked him “do you think there is a possibility that we can't work this out” and he said there is always a possibility and if I can't then it is not fair to you. You are special. Then immediately said “am I sending double messages?” And I said yes. He said he is sorry although I am special and it is very good that we can communicate like that.

It was about 11 pm and he said we will talk about this more tomorrow, do you want me to call you tomorrow? I said “do you want to call? You have to stop pleasing me and look what you want. Call me if you want and I will talk to you if I feel I'd like to talk.”

He send me an IM today wishing my teeth does not hurt. (I didn't said my heart is in pain, my veins are in pain and I can't believe myself like this. I also am having my PMS and I know this is a big part of it as well.)

I was thinking I should tell him not to talk about this at least till end of the week because I am too emotional to think straight. I feel more energetic in the mornings (that is the time I get angry at him why he pretend and in the afternoon I am so down that can think, I should ask him to just stop this here, pretend we didn't have this conversation and we will back in 2 months.

Maximilian4073: I think I do have other interests that a normal woman at my age has (excluding shopping and eating chocolate!). I do work full time (I am an IT manager in a public company), do exercise regularly, go to dance class, make cards (scrapbooking), do photography (not professional), go to art galleries and read books, I do have my circle of friends and am really an active person. I follow the world news and love cooking. However, I do work 9-5 and usually don't go out every night (neither does he) that is the reason I am available at 10 pm when he calls every night.

We see each other every weekend, at my place or at his but since I live downtown, we usually stay here. And yes, I plan to be with him every weekend but if he is not around I do have stuff to do.
Is this what you mean by having a passion by my own.

But him being a priority in my life, that is correct. I have so much fun with him but I am sure he knows I do have a life for myself as I even had before him.

We met on-line maybe that is the reason. I still think he wants to feel that excitement and I didn't make it happen maybe because I was always there and maybe because he didn't win me ( It took me 8 months and 900 profile to pick him and I was the second person on he met on-line. I told him at that stage if he wants to wait to see if he finds someone else since I was the second woman he met but he said this is like lottery, it is not about number of try, it is about luck).

But on the other hand he also thinks as I said to him that if he does not “love” me it is not fair to me to be in this relation.

And one more thing, I thought about what I mean by “him being in love with me”. To me it means,
1)being happy to be with me,
2)picking to be with me over %75 of the other people,
3)not looking for another opportunity to have another woman in his life
4)and see me in his future.

I “think” he has 2,3 and 4 but I think number 1 is a bit of problem here. I am not looking for excitement, I am looking for peace but he is.

Having said that, I didn't share this list with him.

You are way to emotionally invested for an 8 month relationship. Not to be harsh, but you expect a lot from some one who is a stranger, still learning you, and your ways, and unless you get a better balance in your life, and more realistic view of where this relationship really is, then your setting yourself up for failure here.

Frankly speaking your way ahead of yourself, and really do need to stop the pressure, and have a lot more fun getting to know each other.

Stop pushing so hard with your passive aggressive approach. I think relaxing, and enjoying what you have, is much better than crying over what you want, but don't have.

What's your hurry any way?

Wow, you pushed hard for sure but I appreciate it.
I think the part of knowing myself better in this site is showing up.

I expect a lot, maybe. Now that I think twice, I see that I was shocked why he didn't love me. Maybe because I think everyone should love me. Maybe because I haven't failed almost anything in my life that involved only my presence and effort and I obviously failed some of those that involved other people around me.

Maybe because I thought if I love too much and too hard, there is no way for the other person not to love me back. Now that I think about the event 3 days ago, I see I was shocked why he didn't love me and immediately I started pushing and threatening him by saying I will leave if you don't love me.

What is my hurry anyway?
It maybe is cultural (I am from the other side of the world). It maybe is the feeling of not being complete if I am single.
It maybe is the feeling of being alone. Maybe I am not scared of losing him but scared of being alone.
Maybe because I think I am 42 and I should find a mate asap.
Maybe it is my mom who is living by her own for 22 years now and keep saying that I should find someone otherwise I will end up like her. My dad does it silently too.
It maybe is to prove that I am lovable.

Gosh, you really pushed it hard.

I couldn't see the passive aggressive part. Could you please show me that.
And I know this is probably irrelevant now but we have been to gather for more than a year.

It sounds like you are beginning to accept your situation. There is no way you can understand why your boyfriend doesn't say "I love you" because you are not him. So rather than worry over things you cannot change, just enjoy being with him.

I think airing out your baggage in here is the best solution. If your boyfriend has difficulty saying "I love you" then he has his own baggage to sort out. He definitely doesn't need your spillovers.