Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
    JoeSwede's Avatar
    JoeSwede Posts: 18, Reputation: 3
    New Member

    Dec 3, 2010, 06:51 AM
    Have been doing NC for a while now, found out she has a new guy
    Hey everybody,
    Have been reading so many comments and discussions on this site which have really helped me get on with my life.
    I really love this place.

    So here's my story:

    I'm 25 years old and she is 26.
    I started dating my ex over 5 yrs ago now while she actually was in a relationship. I eventually got her as a girlfriend a few months later and until the end of July this year we had been together (4.5 yrs). We've also lived together for 4 yrs. Probably was a bad idea to get together with someone who wasn't available but she said that she was unhappy with him. We've stuck together really well and me being a great guy got along with her parents. I'm not boasting here with claiming to be a nice/great guy but just so that you get the picture. Problems which I have been doing, which I didn't realize 'til afterwards is that I gave her everything she asked for. But she rarely did anything for me.

    Just some info:
    Despite being a nice guy I have earlier had mood swings and have had other similar problems. Turns out it's because of something called Hyperthyreosis meaning that I have a really high metabolism. When you're hungry you're not easily in a good mood. I just got the diagnos a few weeks ago and am now being treated for it, but that's a different story.

    This summer we went over to London together on our first real trip together. Yes a really long time delayed one as we were in our 4th year together. We had done other trips of course, but they were always together with some other mutual friends. But after that she went 3(!) other times with her friend to London over weekends. I am not the jealous type so I suspected nothing and still don't think anything happened.
    When leaving on her 1st trip she had left a note where she wrote that I have been so much better towards her and have stopped fighting over trivial issues which had made her so happy. This really made me love her even more and I was so happy. When she comes back her closest friend (the one she went over to London with) breaks up with her boyfriend, who is the worst type of jealous guy there is and who had told her really unrespecting things about women.

    A few days later she herself becomes really irritated one time after a party where she wants me to break up with her. I say that I won't do that as I feel that we're having a great time now. Eventually she says that she doesn't think it to be a good idea to be together, but the next day she says that she doesn't want to break up but that she's not sure she has the same feelings for me as she did before.

    After her 2nd trip alone to London (3rd trip in total) we have this great party where I treat her really good and really try to make her feel that I've missed here, which she claimed she didn't feel last time. The day after she meets up with a lot of friends over coffee at different occasions, and then goes over to her moms place. She asks me if I want to come over but also that she won't be there for long, so I figure that there is no use. She comes back the next morning in tears and started packing her bag.

    When she broke up with me I reacted in ways that apparently about 95% of everyone does and was destroyed. I asked her why she was leaving but she couldn't give me any real reason she said. She also said that I was the best guy she probably would ever meet but that she had no choice. I figured she had simply fallen out of love with me completely. Later she calls and asks if we can still be friends. I tell that that won't be possible and that I probably won't be able to see her until at least half a year (which turns out may be the time it'll take me to get over her)
    Normally I hadn't earlier showed any feelings towards anyone at all really until now. Now I spoke with a lot of different friends who all helped me very much.

    She was the type of person who didn't like meeting new people and she found negative things about ALL my friends. Including my mom, sister and best friend. Well actually my sister and my best friend she didn't mind. But I was always really open to her friends and thereby they became our mutual friends.

    Now why have I not written anything here earlier? Well I have been doing just fine going NC but just found out she was dating this other guy since around the beginning of October (around my b-day where she wished me a happy b-day and wondered if it was OK. Me being an idiot answers and says that it of course is OK. Thus ending NC that had been going on for a month).

    So I found out now December that she's been going out with a guy for two months. My first reaction was one of the worst feelings ever. Same feeling I had when she in 2007 told me she had been unfaithful with a guy one time. I forgave her then. I've been a real whimp when it came to her.

    About that:
    About a month after the breakup and me becoming the person I wanted to be, I met up with her over coffee. I wanted to show her my new self, but as soon as she came I turned into the same person as I was before. The whimp.

    So you can say that I feel SO much better now that I'm a new person, a person that I've always wanted to be with a **** load of confidence. With confidence to flirt with all girls. So this is the person I want to be.
    Yet I've really felt that I still want her, but at the same time I REALLY don't.

    The feeling I have now, a mixed feeling of which I'm not sure of, is that I'm kind of happy she has a guy. It's as if it has worked as some kind of closure. Which I am happy about. At the same time that I don't want to see her anymore, I also do. I keep in touch with our mutual friends (except for her best friends, mother and step dad) but I always think about her when talking to them.

    What do you recommend I do about it? Do I befriend her in order to stop thinking about her and wonder what she's doing or is that a really bad idea?
    She's a good person with a lot of good values, but she's messed up psychologically in some points. (Threatened to kill herself holding a knife to her throat back in 2007 if she didn't get any anti-depressants).

    Any help is very very welcome.

    Wow just writing that made me feel better. First time I did it.
    I suppose what I'm also partially asking is how do I get her completely out of my life. Any tips?

    ironhide262's Avatar
    ironhide262 Posts: 277, Reputation: 243
    Full Member

    Dec 3, 2010, 07:26 AM
    I think after doing NC for a while it is tough to get back to considering talking to your ex again. All these old feeling come back. Your still not full comforatable with being around her or talking to her completely. Just take her in little bits and do your own thing.

    Continue to concentrate on your life. She has a boyfriend so, she will be focusing on that more than anything. If you happen to bump into her( and her boyfriend) then fine... do the chitchat thing but, other than that I wouldn't reach out to her. Lets face it... are we ever truly friends with our ex's? This is a moment and it's time will pass.
    redhed35's Avatar
    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
    Ultra Member

    Dec 3, 2010, 07:26 AM

    No contact is the best way to heal and recover,that means all social sites,texts,emails everything!

    Its difficult to get over a relationship that you have invested so much in but it can and has been done many many times.

    Perhaps now that you have some clarity on the situation you can start making plans for yourself,maybe travel? It is very possible to save and head to thailand next year, or australia, or wherever you fancy.

    There is a big world out there,with amazing sites and people and cultures,the world is your playground.

    Perhaps you may like to take up another challenge, train to do a marathon? Study for a degree? Break a guinness world record!

    My point is you can get over your ex if you put your mind to it,change your focus, set goals for yourself, you have already made the first steps towards healing,keep going.
    answerme_tender's Avatar
    answerme_tender Posts: 1,148, Reputation: 689
    Ultra Member

    Dec 3, 2010, 07:30 AM


    First of all, congrats on the beginning of "rest of your life". I know its kind of trivial, but you now know what's going on with your health, you know how to handle it. Also not to be harsh, but you have lived through "what goes around, comes back around ". Its never good to start seeing any woman when she is actually dating another guy. They say cheating the first time is the hardest after that its pretty easy for them. Apparently for your ex-girlfriend that turned out to be true!

    Its now time for you to continue getting your life together and moving on and experiencing all that there is out there. Remember this means moving forward, NOT backwards. If you continue to have ANY TYPE of contact with her, then you are still allowing her to call the shots. Get a new phone number if you need to, erase her from Facebook, etc. Nobody in their right minds deliberately put themselves in front a moving car, Im sure it hurts like hell to get hit, but most of us tend to do exactly that with out emotions by letting the ex still have access to us!

    Good luck
    kctiger's Avatar
    kctiger Posts: 3,653, Reputation: 1319
    Ultra Member

    Dec 3, 2010, 08:30 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by JoeSwede View Post
    Wow just writing that made me feel better. First time I did it.
    I suppose what I'm also partially asking is how do I get her completely out of my life. Any tips?
    Keep on being the level headed, calm and mature guy you are. You sound well spoken with a good head on your shoulders. That is great!

    By getting your own life together, your own goals, your own priorities and your own happiness, you will soon be able to cope with this break up as a part of life and not take it as anything personal. From the sounds of it, you were constantly trying to make her happy. Pamper yourself now and remember to always give yourself a little love! Good luck Joe, and welcome to AMHD!
    Aleeravilu's Avatar
    Aleeravilu Posts: 77, Reputation: 22
    Junior Member

    Dec 3, 2010, 08:51 AM
    She cheated once, she can always cheat again, and may even find the pleasure of doing that. And cheating also comes with lying. Do You really want a girl who has cheated more than two times, and probably lied a hundred time? And she even has a small psychological problem. I don't know about you but my answer is a definite No.
    So gather your thoughts together, click the "refresh" button and start over. Don't contact her by any mean, online or offline, not now at least. And don't try to not think about her, because the harder you try not to think about something, you end up thinking about it even more. Instead, try something more fun. Create a new hobby for example? Make yourself busy. And remember, no romantic stuffs or going to that little special place that's full of "beautiful" memories. The most important thing is to take good care of yourself and enjoy life as it is.
    Best of luck~~
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,250, Reputation: 10853

    Dec 3, 2010, 10:20 AM
    I also do. I keep in touch with our mutual friends (except for her best friends, mother and step dad) but I always think about her when talking to them.

    Do I befriend her in order to stop thinking about her and wonder what she's doing or is that a really bad idea?

    Eliminate the way you hear about what she is doing and who she does it with will help the No Contact go a lot better for you.
    JoeSwede's Avatar
    JoeSwede Posts: 18, Reputation: 3
    New Member

    Dec 3, 2010, 11:40 AM
    Really appreciate all the fast replies.

    Aleeravilu: Very true about not thinking about the person and how not to think in that manner. Up until today I've had lots of days without thinking about her, mainly due to NC. NC really is what I'll recommend everyone from now on. Everybody needs space no matter what.

    Only problem with the NC: When I sent a message asking her not to contact me, she accepted it and said she would respect it. But I noticed how she became irritated about it a few weeks later after having commenting or writing to our mutual friends. She would ask why I contact them but not her. Even if it was a childhood friends boyfriend, who she has absolutely no contact with unlike me, she would send a message wondering.
    I of course ignored these except for once when she called me from a number I didn't recognize.

    First she tried being kind but I sent an uncomfortable aggressive tone where I acted like my old self. I said I wouldn't contact them but then thought: "*** should I listen to her rules?" so I continued talking to them.

    I have her as a "friend" in a couple of social sites, but there are options to ignore everything from them. Anybody with similar experiences or should I remove her and receive a childish reaction from her where she most probably will ask all of our mutual friends to remove me as well. She never had any male friends so they are all female (or you OK a few gay friends) and I know that they will take her side. These women can go on and on, in a semi-joking manner, on how guys are idiots. I never took it in but I can tell you it was rather annoying when they rambled on about it every time...

    I know that I could just accept that, but one of my best friends is the boyfriend of one of her closest friends and I have never had any problem with her.

    KCtiger, thanks for the compliment. I reall have been concentrating on making myself a better person and haven't thanked no to a single event/party that I've been invited to. Has been a great experience even though I'm very busy all the time due to it, something that would have been impossible in my old relationship and with my old self.

    What my brain wants is to wipe her out of my mind, whilst my rather dumb heart keeps bringing all of the memories up again. Am dating a few girls now, nothing serious though but it's a confidence booster.
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
    Family & People Expert

    Dec 3, 2010, 12:01 PM

    First off, you've only broken up for about 3 months, which isn't very long considering that you've been together for almost 5 years. I'm even sure 6 months is enough for you to get over this break up.

    It's clear that you're completely overanalyzing all the details, which shows that you're not done with NC. Every time you have any sort of contact with her, your feelings go for a roller-coaster ride. If you can't get your feelings together while staying in contact with her, then maybe you're better off blocking her out of your life and pretending that she never existed.

    As for old feelings resurficing, that's only normal. This is probably going to continue for years done the line and it's only normal. She played a huge part of your life. Wouldn't it be weird if you pretended that she never even existed?

    You need to give yourself more time to allow everything to sink it. Past feelings and memories are going to stir up all the time, it's how you handle these emotions that counts. With time, you will gain more experience on how to handle it.

    Until then, I would say stick with NC. Check out the NC related threads in my signature.
    Gmoney25's Avatar
    Gmoney25 Posts: 22, Reputation: 4
    New Member

    Dec 3, 2010, 12:41 PM
    Wow, reading your story is almost like reading my own. Very similar situation. After a few weeks, I decided to unfriend her from FB. I'm glad I did it, but like you, I'm still friends with some of her girlfriends. The trouble with that is that I know she uses them to spy on my page, which it sounds like your ex does the same. I have to admit that I'm guilty of looking on their FB to see if I can see any updates on her life. When I finally do see a picture of her on their page, I feel like crap and wish I never looked at it.
    NC is the way to go. We've been broken up for about 1.5 months and have gone NC for about 2 weeks. It gets a little easier as time goes on, but keeping up with her only slows the process down. As some of the smart people on here have pointed out many times, if she wants to contact you... she will. Good luck.
    magneton1's Avatar
    magneton1 Posts: 7, Reputation: 2
    New Member

    Dec 3, 2010, 05:05 PM
    Your story iwldsay is similar to mine as well, its quite difficult to accept that the one you loved is no more going to be in your life, I at this point in time it is best to deal with your emotions and the best way to go about it is through NC. I have on and off on Nc but this time round I hae promised myself not to end the year feeling miserable like I use to be.I am now in day 6 of the current NC, it is hard but my emotion and well being comes first , the person you tot you loved didn't take that into consideration its up to you to do that. All the best
    Aleeravilu's Avatar
    Aleeravilu Posts: 77, Reputation: 22
    Junior Member

    Dec 3, 2010, 07:53 PM
    yes, NC all the way!
    Your heart just randomly brings up the memories? Ignore it! I once had this boyfriend, for four years. But then we broke up because he got famous thanks to his excellent dancing skill and started cheating on me with his fan-girls, who literally threw themselves at him. At first it was very hard, because we used to be inseparable. But I had to move on, so I blocked him on Facebook, banned him on Y!M, set auto reject to his phone numbers, he tried to phone me with a different, I hung up the very moment I recognized his voice. . In general, avoid him in every aspect. I think you should do the same. Don't just unfriend her, block her. That way neither of you can see each other's comments, and she won't be able to send you messages either. If she ever asks you dumb question like why won't you talk to her, state it clear that You're doing NC, and She agreed with it, so don't complain.
    About her girl friends, ignore them too if you can. Girls who talk about the others behind their backs without knowing both side of the story aren't worth hanging out with. (Though I have to admit... I did talk about him with my best friend and my sisters, but we all kept silent and never brought up the story in public so maybe it was OK, or was it? :D)
    But, even until now all the memories about him still comes back to my head every once in awhile, but the feeling is no longer "hurt", it was just plain irritation. Still it's a good lesson to keep in my head.
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
    Uber Member

    Dec 3, 2010, 09:00 PM
    You need to do NC because you need to do it and not worry about her being irritated.

    She gets to you still... even the "new" you... its going to be that way for a time.

    Hell... I'm around my ex a lot. We have a son together and I see him as much as I can. I also limit my time around her. I know, despite logical reasoning that tells me she is absolutely no good for me, that I'm wildly attracted to her, I still respond well to her, and its just too easy to get wound up in an unguarded moment.

    Now... I know its going to happen. I expect it. And when it hits I say "there it is" and try to focus on important things, like my son. All the energy I could spend on the roller coaster of being attracted to a person you aren't with is a waste.

    So... I can't just do NC. I can do limited contact. And I can remind myself that focusing on her... who she is with... what she thinks of me... seeing her missing me... seeing her not miss me... none of this noise helps me, for the most part. Occasionally ill use it to get a little p!ssed... to remind myself to keep distance. But I accept I'm attracted to her, I have been for ten years, and I accept little good comes from putting her feelings or needs before mine, outside of keeping things civil and kind so that I may see my son as much as possible.

    Go easy on yourself. Give yourself some wiggle room to be mortal.

    I did NC with a great love that ended in major crash and burn. Didn't speak for years. We now are on very friendly terms. And I don't state that to give you false hope of having any kind of close relationship with your ex. I say that because NC and time and focus on things Not Her eventually made it all OK.

    Just because you didn't stay in confident mode while with her doesn't mean you aren't changing your ways, you aren't learning a different path. It takes time and work and effort and its slow.
    flowerchildfala's Avatar
    flowerchildfala Posts: 96, Reputation: 16
    Junior Member

    Dec 4, 2010, 02:43 AM
    You sound like a such an amazing guy and like you would be a great boyfriend so I think you need to walk away from this because she doesn't seem to have relised this ever! The best thingis to go back to no contact and start new. Try new things and meet new people! It will help a lot! Befriending her will only make things hard on you and easier on her. You should want someone that won't walk out of your life but will fight to stay in it and be yours!!
    JoeSwede's Avatar
    JoeSwede Posts: 18, Reputation: 3
    New Member

    Dec 4, 2010, 08:30 AM
    It's comforting to hear that a lot of you have gone through similar situations.
    Before the break up I didn't really have a good idea about how these things worked. Just pure chaos really. Reading all these stories and comments is surely the best way of self healing.

    Flowerchildfala, haha yeah I do perceive myself as being quite the catch. But my feeling is that this is quite natural for a majority of people, best combined with humbleness. There is always room for improvement and without the break up I would never have taken the time that I have now to see what parts of myself that has needed the most improvement.

    But the more I think about it the more I really don't want to be with someone who hasn't appreciated me. I really don't want to be with someone who doesn't value me enough and who makes judges like that. When after the break up saying that I was probably the best guy she would ever meet, without bloating I feel that she was correct. Then why would you throw something like that away? For thrills of something new?

    GMoney25: But what if she calls me? Up 'til now I have been ignoring her calls/messages as well as her mothers. Like I said I don't feel like I want to be with her anymore, but why would I want her to contact me? For the purpose of being friends in the future? I can't say what I want in 2-3 years from now but I don't want to be with a girl who I know is a thrill seeker when it comes to emotions (definitely not trying out new things like climbing, gokarting etc.) Like Aleeravilu mentioned I'm sure she feels cheating is easier second time around.
    Aleeravilu's Avatar
    Aleeravilu Posts: 77, Reputation: 22
    Junior Member

    Dec 4, 2010, 10:07 AM
    Maybe you were too good for her. Don't take it wrong, because personally I would love to have a great boyfriend like you. But in other cases, some girls think that they don't deserve someone That good, or simple, they don't want someone that good.
    But really, don't care about what other people say about you, even if they say you're perfect, awesome, fantastic etc... None of them matters, because they will eventually change their minds if you accidentally do something wrong to them or refuse to help with something. It's only important what you think about yourself.
    And yeah, sure, nobody would want to be with someone who doesn't appreciate their true self. You will find your real soul-mate sooner or later, don't worry. Right now just focus on yourself first :D
    Ah I think you misunderstand GMoney25's idea, he meant that if she wanted to contact you, nothing would stop her. All you can do is to stay as far away as possible.
    And call me Al please ^^
    Gmoney25's Avatar
    Gmoney25 Posts: 22, Reputation: 4
    New Member

    Dec 4, 2010, 11:40 AM
    Comment on Aleeravilu's post
    Correct... I meant that if she wants to contact you to reconcile, etc. she knows how to get in touch with you. Contacting you just to see how you are doing is her way of keeping you near her, but not WITH her. Trust me, I can totally relate to you
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
    Family & People Expert

    Dec 4, 2010, 02:08 PM

    A break up does give us a lot of history to reflect on and it really helps us understand ourselves better. It sounds like you're making good progress on healing and moving forward.

    In terms of what you should do when she calls, that just depends on whether you're ready to speak with her. If you're picking up with the false sense of hope that she might want you back, then you're setting yourself up for disappointment. By picking up that call, you could potentially reset all the progress you have made during the healing process.

    Remember, the priority is to heal from your pains.
    JoeSwede's Avatar
    JoeSwede Posts: 18, Reputation: 3
    New Member

    Dec 4, 2010, 03:55 PM
    Just removed her from all my social site accounts. Felt like a huge load was just lifted off my back to be honest.

    GCMoney25: Yeah I see what you mean. Naturally I want to be in control of what I feel and, as you all are implying, not answering her calls is a way of doing this. I have had experiences where she earlier has called and asked a few things. I then answered these but would have preferred to just cut off the line. As I don't really care anymore about what she thinks, this won't be a problem.

    I Wish: But you're making a valid point. If I in the future feel it would be OK for me to answer her calls with no false sense of hope then I suppose I wouldn't have a problem with it. Her last call did reset a lot of my progress so I know what to do next.

    Al: The whole deserving/ don't want someone good thing is really what I see as a huge problem in society in overall. But that's human nature, we simply just need to adapt to this.
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
    Uber Member

    Dec 4, 2010, 07:05 PM
    Just expect the roller coaster. Accept you are going to feel powerfully over this at times, and then some times you are going to be side swiped. Expect it to happen, acknowledge it when it does, and remember how much better you felt when you took her off the books and you focused on you.

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions


Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search

Check out some similar questions!

My wife was chatting to a guy on Facebook and skype and I found out... [ 11 Answers ]

My wife was talking to a guy on Facebook then skype,and I found out about it... she says he's just a friend,when found out about it... she says she has nothing to hide,as she says you even know my pass word for my email... so she deleted him from her face book... saying I'd rather have you on my...

Just found out guy I'm sleeping with has a girlfriend! [ 2 Answers ]

I met this guy a few months ago through mutual friends. For the first couple of months, I would only hear from him maybe once a week, things were very casual at first. But in the last few weeks or so, I have been hearing from him almost daily. Random texts everyday, not necessarily to get together,...

Just found out I'm daddy, and the other guy won't give up custody, but doesn't love her [ 2 Answers ]

Hey, Our daughter is 15 months old, I just found out that I am her father. Since then me and mommy are togather raising our daughter. The guy she was with last she also has children with, when Kate was born I wasn't around and they were told they need a father, when she was knocked out from the...

View more questions Search