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    Claret123's Avatar
    Claret123 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Mar 28, 2019, 09:15 AM
    A guy with no emotions - driving me crazy
    I have been dating someone since 2 months. Since I had a breakup (about 5 months ago), I was not ready for any sorts of commitment with this guy and we agreed to see how things go for a year. He said that I could go out and meet other people though he said he didn't want to and that he would like to focus on one person at a time. He claimed to be someone who never loved anyone romantically and who doesn't have emotions, but cares for people who are important to him. He also was someone who never really enjoyed sex in his life and was not even sexually active for years. I found him very interesting since he was very honest and upfront about things. Though I told him that his lack of emotions and no sex are something I am concerned about, he said that's how he was. However, in the first one month, since I was not into him much, he really tried to chase me. He would send me texts, update me about how his day was going, or send me videos and photos of him etc. Though I was meeting people here and there, I never had any real interest in dating anyone else, since I clearly started liking him a lot. I insisted that he date others as well, since I was not being fair otherwise. When the second month started, he started meeting people, and I kind of stopped meeting anyone else. I was clearly very much interested in him. Also, he started having sex with me (since I insisted), and he started enjoying it. Honestly, I would still believe that he wasn't into sex before, from the way he had it with me the first time, it was very evident that he didn't have much of an experience. Things started to change after a month. He would come stay with me most of the time, and we would have sex. He still doesn't know if it is me that has caused him to enjoy sex, or if i fixed some mental blockage for him. He is in his late 20s and he apparently has never lasted for more than a minute or so and he never felt like having sex with anyone else before, except that he likes other intimate acts of making out and other things, excluding intercourse.
    He also went on one or two dates, and he was quite excited about meeting this one girl, and he said he is talking to other people. I asked him now that we have spent some time together let us focus on us first and then later we can think of being open about meeting others. But he didn't agree and he said he is okay about me seeing others or doing whatever I wanted to and that he expects the same from me as well. He said he was 200% confident that no matter who I meet, I would still go back to him. He very well knew that I was giving him a lot of importance. In the last one or two weeks, his frequency of texts reduced. He wouldn't text like how he used to before. If I ask, he says that's how he is and that, for him there is no place for emotions, and that's not how he shows care. However, when we are together his actions show that he really likes me. He definitely would be busy at work, but he wouldn't even send one single text during the day to ask if everything is okay. If he is free, he would be willing to hang out with me (for dinner or outing or at home relaxing). But I kind of feel that the chase for him is over and the initial excitement is over. When we are apart, there is hardly any texts, when we are together we have a good time. I am kind of feeling that I am being taken for granted. I don't know if I am overthinking, or is two months too early for anyone to get attached (we spent on an average 4 days together in a week). What are your thoughts on this?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,106, Reputation: 10852
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    #2

    Mar 28, 2019, 11:32 AM
    But I kind of feel that the chase for him is over and the initial excitement is over, and he is interested in other people, and his interest in me has reduced drastically. I am kind of feeling that I am being taken for granted. I don't know if I am overthinking. What are your thoughts on this?
    I don't think you are being taken for granted but more disappointed he changed his mind about that year thing, or being exclusive after YOU became ready. Otherwise I feel he has pretty much told you how he felt, and that's as straight as it gets but understand the feeling of rejection. The way I see it you both gave it a go and it's not working out that well.

    However you are not overthinking this, but maybe a bit caught up in your own growing feelings, but clearly you need to back way off, and sort that out for yourself, as it's obvious the adjustment you need is detach yourself from this 2 month experiment, feelings aside. Personally 2 months is way to soon to really know someone that well and not unusual for the lust to get in the way. After two guys in 5/6 months though, hard to be objective with raw feelings so chalk this up as a temporary scratch, a short term dalliance, and get your objectivity back and don't chase after this fellow at all as he already told you his game plan and it doesn't include your feelings at all. Nice guy, honest in his own way, but you said yourself you weren't ready and neither is he so basically the fling is over.

    Of course I know nothing of your relationship before this guy, how long was that and why did that end? Personally I think going from one guy to another in such a short time doesn't always allow for a good healing, or being objective enough to make accurate decisions based on facts and not just feelings.

    Could you have talked yourself into this latest tryst? Could you have ignored red flags along the way, or warning signs about Honest Abe? Be honest with yourself about the last 2 months. I don't think he was chasing you at all, but I do feel you wanted to be caught. Sorry just a guys point of view. Am I on the right track, or way off. Either way leave him alone since you couldn't give him a proper run for his money, nor make him give up his control which player guy needs.
    Claret123's Avatar
    Claret123 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Mar 28, 2019, 11:49 AM
    The relationship before was close to 3 years. I was always in long term relationships. However, my previous boyfriend was very abusive (physically and emotionally) and controlling, and I know ending it was the best decision for the both of us. Regarding this guy, he is very much confident that I am attached to him and I would go back to him no matter what. Whenever he is free, he comes over and we have a good time. But when he is away, there won't be any communication - no texts/calls. As per him, what we have is not a casual relation, however not official/exclusive yet, but with a possibility of becoming one in the future. I am not sure, if I am worrying too early.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #4

    Mar 28, 2019, 12:47 PM
    Why did you give him permission to go out with other people if you don't want him going out with other people? And as far as his personality goes, that has developed over his 20+ years and it's probably not going to change. You don't have a lot invested in it over two months so walk if you can't accept him. Don't try to change it because it will be wasted effort. Plus it's only been two months - you two haven't seen the real you two yet.
    Claret123's Avatar
    Claret123 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Mar 28, 2019, 12:50 PM
    I meant the previous relationship was 3 years not 3 months.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,106, Reputation: 10852
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    #6

    Mar 28, 2019, 05:22 PM
    Nothing wrong with friends with benefits until one gets a lot more attached than the other, and starts thinking there will be more later. You seem to let him define it his way and you go along with it, and that's not good for you, but I bet it's great for him, when he needs what we use to refer to in my day as a booty call.

    I seriously doubt that you are the only one, and I seriously doubt it gets better. That would be a false hope. Have you considered doing other things with other people? Why settle for a part time love? You've had your fling now do something good for yourself and end this detachment, unless you just like it like that.

    Do you?
    Claret123's Avatar
    Claret123 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Mar 30, 2019, 06:38 AM
    I totally agree with the others here and I do not want to be taken for granted. So I had a talk with him on this and told him that I feel like I am just being a friend with benefits. So he told me that he usually doesn’t text anyone and that’s how he has been with women in the past or even with his mom, and he showed me his chats with his mom. He also told me that I could check his phone whenever I want to and shared his password. He also told me that we would go out instead of sitting at home. He said that he was sorry that I felt that way. He told me that I should just follow my instincts if I don’t trust him. This just added to my confusion honestly.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,106, Reputation: 10852
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    #8

    Mar 30, 2019, 07:28 AM
    Of course you are confused, because I suspect you want more from him than he is giving. Not to mention you are to deep into him, certainly much deeper than he is by far. That's your confusion in a nutshell. Either you date others, or go along with his way, or detach yourself, but whatever you choose adjust your expectations of him. Was it not you who said to just date for a year and see what happens? That's certainly not what your doing. Seems you have accelerated your own plan after a few months, WHY? What do you need to not be taken for granted?

    Simply put you want to be exclusive NOW, he does NOT! What's confusing about that? Hard to even enjoy getting to know someone on those terms, and maybe your expectation of this being a long term relationship as you have been use to is at the heart of this and appears you rebounded to fast from your last break up. It happens to most people that way. Long term attachments are very hard to heal from.

    When I am confused I step back until I am not. No harm in you giving yourself a break and re-evaluating YOURSELF, and where you REALLY are. No hurry either. You can always just go out with family and friends and give that relationship/dating and sex a rest for now.
    Claret123's Avatar
    Claret123 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Mar 30, 2019, 07:34 AM
    I get it. Thanks so much. I will give it time and take it slow.

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