Here is my story. I've been dating a women eight years younger than me (I'm 34, she's 26) for a little more than two years. She's sweet, caring and trustworthy.
However, there was one thing that became a problem. In February, my roommate (younger brother) moved out because he was having financial difficulties and moved back with my parents. I couldn't afford rent on my own ($1,100 a month) so I decided to move with my parents for awhile. This did not sit well with my girlfriend. She felt I was being irresponsible. She tried to help me get my finances straight, but I resisted. I wanted to do it on my own.
That didn't work out. I stayed for six months and my girlfriend thought I was never moving out. We had a fight about it and she said she thought we should take a break. I called a few times after that, sent some flowers and a card explaining the situation more. She called back a few days after that and explained how she was feeling. She said she wasn't ready to get back into the relationship yet and wanted a break for a month. We agreed to keep in contact with each other during that time. She helped me with a lot of things like helping me find my own place and going to pick out bedsheets. We also met to have lunch.
Then she e-mailed and said she wanted to be alone without the lingering ends of this relationship hanging over her head and me pressuring for a resolution or timetable. She wants no contact. No calls, no hanging out. She said she can't see revisiting the relationship until the new year. I wrote back thanking her for her honesty. I told her I would respect her wishes and that I'd use this time to focus on myself. And I have. I have my own place, I'm putting away $300 a week in savings and increased my contribution in my 401K. I know she's not dating anyone else or is interested in dating anyone else (her sister told me that). I can't tell if this is just a test, to see if I'll make these changes and stick to them or that she can't find a way to say that it's completely over. Any insight will be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Yes and no. She's at that age where she has to make a decision on where the rest of her life is going, I think. She's confused with the prospect of sticking with you or finding something else. The best you can do is look forward. That's a long time to be on a break. It almost seems like she wants to be devoid of any feelings towards you. I would tell you to maintain no contact get your stuff together even more so--join a gym, move forwards with your career-- and don't think that it's inevitable that you will get together. I've seen this a lot. Sometimes the couples get together faster and the relationship lasts longer, sometimes the other person finds someone else. You need to be certain what's going on first. You need to brave and "email" her and ask whether either of you should date other people. If she says definitely not, hold of for a while and focus on you. If she says yes than back off and try and date yourself, if she says I don't know then back off and try and date yourself. Good luck.

She doesn't want you to contact her so don't. She WILL contact you this is for sure, She is thinking at the moment you will contact her. Don't do it she is playing with you. Let her miss you...

I wonder if the fight was just an excuse to move on? I suspect that she has maybe been unhappy awhile and your moving home may have been the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back.

Regardless, I have to ask... do you really want this girl back? Personally, I would rather have someone who sticks beside me to work our issues out together. I would be afraid of what would happen as things became more and more serious. What if you married her and you had a problem in your relationship? Is this an indication of what would happen? She should be sitting down and communicating with you about what is going on in her head and heart. Asking for a lengthy break usually means it's over.

Now, on the other side of the coin, after dating two years I imagine she may have been expecting your next move to be with her, either living together or marriage. I can imagine her shock when you moved in with your parents. She may have felt a little taken aback that you moved home and then when you wouldn't accept her help she may not have liked the way you were dealing with things either. Why wouldn't the two of you have sat down together to discuss all the options? My guess is that she doesn't feel that you are very committed to this relationship. I could be wrong, but I wonder.

At any rate, I see that you have two options. You can either ask her if you could sit down together and have an open and honest discussion together like a mature couple, or you can give her the time she has requested and move on with your life as if it's over. Sadly, I think the second one will be the most successful.

Hugs, Didi

I guess I should offer more of an explanation. I discussed what was going on with her (i.e. moving back with my parents). I said it would be a good thing considering I could save money and it help us in the future. Problem was things started snowballing while I was there. My mom lost her job, my dad found he had bladder cancer. They had high medical bills. I felt I needed to stay there longer than I wanted to because I didn't want to abandon them. At the same time, there were rumors about layoffs where I work. It just seemed like a very bad time to get into a new lease. I told about this, but I never mentioned the fact that I was giving my parents money to help them out and not saving as much until we got into a fight. She said after two years of dating I should have been able to trust her with that and that it was going to take a long time to build up her trust.
In the e-mail she sent me to say she wanted to be left alone, she said she watched her sister marry a guy with all kinds of debt and did not want to be burdened with that life. She also felt so perplexed about our situation that she wrote into an adice columnist but never showed me the response until then. She wrote that I was caring, sweet and trustworthy and that we have fun together. She said she loved me, but she was worried that if we stick together, she would be left to carry all the responsibility in the relationship, including children. The columnist told her to take a full break, enough to see if I've made significant changes.
During this break, it seemed like things would be great. We talked and things seemed as if they might be resolved. Then she would pull away. In my heart of hearts I think she's pulling away because she's scared that if she comes back right away, then the changes I've made would be superficial and not real. If she stays away awhile, then she can see if the changes will last and I'll stick to them. Hope that clarifies things.

I think you've got the crux of this situation. What would you advise someone with this issue? What would you suggest your girlfriend should do with her fears?

I think giving her the time she asked for is not a bad idea. She understands what you are going though and her worries are a bit justified. Both of you made a good step forward in asking for advice. This tells me that the concern is based on love and caring and not an ego issued on either part. Just two humans who have problems and not too proud to seek help.

While helping your parents, please don't forget yourself - they will love and understand. Keep on planning for your future and support your girlfriend when she needs your reassurance. Until then, let her have her time off to miss what she has in you.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

To enigmagnetic: I'm torn about emailing her. On one hand, I would like to know where she stands on dating other people. But I also feel it's a backanded way to see if there's any resoltion or timetable in the near future.
To grammadidi: Yes I want this girl back. I feel like she actually did me a favor. I think in some ways I took her for granted. It wasn't until she said she wanted this break, and we weren't contacting each other that I realized I could actually lose her. I knew I had to change, not only for myself, but also for our relationship. It has done me a world of good. I have made a lot of changes. I think she has too. One thing that always frustrated me was I never thought she took her job or career seriously and was kind of going through the motions. I know through her sister that she's taking this time to focus on herself and she is pouring a lot more into her job. I think we both just need to find ourselves. If we do tthat, then in time we should be able to find each other.

I think you have pretty much answered your own question then. I think that you have two choices. Firstly, you can do as she asked, give her the time she needs while working on the things you feel are important. The other choice is risky, but in my opinion, not as risky if you are sincere and this relationship really is founded in love. You seem, in the last two posts, to be able to express yourself well. Perhaps you should share all of your thoughts, emotions, etc. in a letter to her? First apologize for breaking no contact but tell her that there are things you need to say. Then, admit your faults, explain the things she didn't/doesn't know, tell her how very much you love her and although you feel it is important to work things out together, and that is really what you would prefer to do, you will respect her position on wanting a break because your ultimate goal is to be together. I would finish your letter with the last two sentences in your last post, suggest that if at any time she wishes to change her mind and work together on the issues to please contact you, but either way you would work towards the things that she wants because you, too, want them and you will also wait until the new year before moving on.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

Hugs, Didi

To Grammadidi: That's a tough one. I sent her a letter along with flowers a week or so after our first argument. I explained a lot of what I was feeling and that I loved her. When she called, she said my words were hollow. She was upset that I got her flowers, partly because I never sent a bouquet to her work until then. (I would buy store flowers and give them to her from time to time). After that, she said she wanted a break and said she couldn't say I love you, at least not right away.
Yet during the break, she constantly tried to help me. She helped me figure out the best deal for an apartment, and it was her suggestion to go pick out bedsheets together.
What makes it so strange is when she e-mailed me that she wanted to be left alone, she said she was trying to do the right thing and help me and that I gladly accepted. But then she says I should have declined her help with the bedsheets. She said I'm always looking for the easy out, to have things set out and explained for me rather than figuring them out on my own. Huh? She was so upset when she offered to help get my finances straight and I declined her help. Because of that, I didn't want to make the same mistake of declining her help again. And now that I accept her help, she says I shouldn't.
Verry confusing. I still think there's a lot of hurt and confusion on her part right now and anything I do is going to be taken the wrong way. Right now I think I should just stay no contact. Maybe I can send a Christmas card in December or something. But for now I should probably let time heal that wound. What do you think?

I think she's crazy. That sounds like she is effing with your head. So she offers to help you and then you do it because you love her and then she gets mad because you do what anyone else would. She offered mind you, so she is playing a game? Testing you? I think you need some space to clear up your mind to reevaluate if you want to be with someone so annoyingly confusing. Cheers.

I know exactly what I want. But I think she's very confused about she wants. That's where a lot of this comes from. Maybe it's a game. Maybe it's a test. I do think she's hurt and acting out. That's to be expected. But she also doesn't want to let go. This was the longest relationship for both of us. And it's one of those things where we've met just about everyone's family down to cousins. That's what makes it tough.

In view of this post, I think you should honour her wishes 100%. I suggest that you tuck her away into a little place in your heart, then live like your relationship is permanently over. Do the things she wanted you to do only if that was your goal anyway. Do not phone her, text her, see her or message her in any way. Make a real serious attempt at moving on.

I know this will be difficult for you, but this is what she has requested from you and if you love her I think you must do it. She obviously has some things to work out for herself. If she truly loves you she will return and you can make a decision if this is what you still want at that time. I hate to say it... but I wouldn't hold my breath that this is going to work out the way you want it to right now.

Hugs, Didi

Bottom line is this. She is terrible at communication. She fails horribly at being open and quite frankly seems a bit controlling. I would suggest you really think about what you're going to go through in the process of trying to appease her. Can you really live never knowing whether something you do will tick her off? That's walking on eggshells man, that's insanity. You would need couples counseling before anything stabilizes for the long run. You seem like your honestly a reasonable person, just have had setback but your poised to attempt to change, the question is is she? Vaya con Dios.

Better communication is an absolute necessity. I was bothered she had to write to an advice columnist rather than come to me and say how she was feeling. But communcation is a two-way street and it would be foolish to absolve myself of blame. I could have been better at it, too. The problem was always confronting each other when we were upset about something. We both tend to shut down. I usually do it more to analyze things, look at the big picture and decide whether something is really worth it to be upset over. I think she gets upset and just lets it stew and stew until it boils over. And one thing I can work on is my intuition skills. They really stink. I know I can do a better job of sensing when she's quiet and ask what's wrong and talk things out.
The letter she wrote to the advice columnist at least let me know she cared about the relationship. It was well-thought out, and based on love. It was a step in the right direction. Now I'll I need is her to say things like that out loud to me.

The bottom line is that there already was communication. She's upset because you kept financial issues from her - that to her meant that you thought that you could go it alone and that it was off limits to her. Communicating with someone else is what we here are all doing. She did it, and you did it. There is nothing there to be upset about. Communicating with each other in all subjects was something you were hesitant about and it bothered her.
Now, she needs space to rehash the relationship, decide if she wants to trust you again, and she will need some feedback from you - but in this case words will not be enough. Actions will speak louder than words. We don't know how long it will take for her to see that the actions you are taking are truly meant, but this is the reassurance she needs. So, stop pondering and start working on getting yourself and your future plans in order. When she sees that you have advanced and that it is not just a ploy on getting her back, she will make her decision.

Whether she will come back or not will be her choice, and she has set a time limit on herself, for the new year. Give her that time and until then stop trying to second-guess her. It will not do you any good and only divert you from what you need to do.

I hope it works out, but you really should give her the time she asked for and see what happens.

Good luck, and keep us posted as to your other achievements made during you 'probation' period.




Stop the 'maybes' and work on the 'for sure' things in life. Take charge of the things that you can control.

Thanks Chery. I've already started working toward a lot of things. I got a second job this week (part time) to help me put away even more in savings. A friend gave me some great advice. He said from the things I've told him, basically she wants me to become a man in every way, whether it be physically, emotionally or financially speaking. Think about it. What have I done. I got a new place and put some money away. Big deal. Anyone can do that. Will that change our relationship right now? No. I can't marry her now even if I wanted to because I don't have the financial wherewithal to do so. She knows this. I think that's why she wants to give it time. I know she is pleased with the progress I've made (she's told a mutual friend of ours that). But right now I think she's worried I'm making these changes for her and not for myself. And that's not the case. I realized I had to make these changes, whether we get back together or not. I just hope in time she can see that.

Who care who you are making those changes for. The point is whether you benefit from them. Keep your concentration on YOU, and don't worry about what she might think or not. The end justifies the means here, and it does not sound as if the 'end' for you is a total loss. So, keep up the good work and she will see it to.

The coming new year might be one you'll never forget.

An update. I saw my ex-girlfriend for the first time in nearly two months. I knew this would happen eventually. We work for rival companies and we were at the same event. It was awkward at first, but it turned out to be okay. We smiled, laughed, and just caught up. Afterward, I went to dinner with her and a co-worker of mine. I ended up staying at the same hotel as her (not in the same room). The next morning we had breakfast. That's when she told me something interesting.
I asked her if she still hung out with a mutual friend of ours. She said no. The reason was because when we were having problems in our reationship, this supposed friend was the one that kept pushing her to break up with me. She said if she did that, they would hang out all the time as girlfriends. And so we went on a break. After that, this friend kept pushing her to hook up with other guys and tried to introduce her to bunch of them. My ex said she's never wanted that. She had no interest in hooking up with anyone else. She just want to be by herself for awhile.
I'm so glad she told me that. It's more clear what she is going through. When she said she wanted to go on a break, I asked her for how long. She said lets give it a month. To me, I fet I had to do EVERYTHING in a month because tht's all I had. I sent flowers, gifts. We kept in contact.
At the same time, this other friend was always in her ear, telling her to break up and hook up with other guys. It must have made my ex's head spin.
When we left, I told her it was nice to see her again. I said our schedules would be crazy the next two months, but I'd like to catch up again maybe sometime in December. She said okay.
It's strange. I don't why she volunteered to tell me that about our mutual friend. I feel in some way she has regrets about listening to her. I do know she told me she couldn't sleep at all that night. Anyway, this is where we stand now. I think everything just needs to be relaxed. I'm still staying no contact until sometime in December. That's when I'll e-mail and see if she wants to meet again.

Glad that you are in acceptance stage...

Like I said before, this might just turn out the way you'd like after all. Just don't go overboard in the flowers and stuff. This is not a race as to who gets the girl..
Her friend is certainly not your friend, or maybe she's interested in you and wants you for herself, or she could just pretend to be a friend and not want your ex to be happy with anyone.

We can guess the reasons for days, and still not come to a conclusion, but from what you told us, you - at this time seem to be doing OK and I sincerely hope it all comes out right for you. Just don't forget the focus on your future and think positive!

Lots of luck, dear..

This was a blessing in disguise and you will see in the time to come... First everyone comes into your life for a reason, those that want to stay will stay no matter what the circumstances are. People often wait things to happen to find an escape to end a relationship. Because if you want something that bad you will do whatever it takes to make it work. Speaking as a woman who loves hard. When I am in a relationship I don't expect everything to go right all the time. But the downs are what make people stronger, and if someone loves you they will be there! A lot of people mistake Money for happiness, You can be the poorest person in the world with the richest heart... Don't get me wrong finances are important and I understand that we need money to live a good life. But don't let that be too much the focus on your happiness where your constantly working and neglecting yourself, And not doing anything active for your own personal growth..