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    wolf1's Avatar
    wolf1 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Mar 7, 2010, 12:12 PM
    My girlfriend picks up fights
    Hi. I have been in a relationship for almost 9 months, and we already talked about getting married this August. My girlfriend is younger than me by 8 years (I m 33). We usually have good time together and are very compatible, except some times when she seems depressed and it makes me feel she just wants to pick up a fight; this happens at least 3 days a month (not necessarily during her period), and the intensity of the fights is getting worst, specially since we talked about getting married and since we moved together. Usually the fight goes like this: I come back home from work, and she seems sad. When I give her space, she just gets angry and tell me that I should be sweet and comfort her, and then she complains that I am not the ideal boyfriend and that she doubt I really love her. I think she is under the impression that we are getting married because I am old, which I constantly tell her is not the case. If I comfort her when she is down, and try to make her smile, then everything is fine, EXCEPT that the next day she wants the same deal of me being there for her, regardless if I am tired. Just hugs is not enough to make her feel fine. I really have to put up an act, where I kiss her and spend at least 30 minutes just telling her how great she is to me (which I normally do, but I would like to do it when I feel like it). This makes me feel like an entertainer, and that I can not be relaxed in my own house. I wish I could be sweet spontaneoiusly, not just when she is having a bad day. I feel that when she is bored or sad about life, she just wants a boyfriend that is there, and usually I try, but it is affecting my body and soul to come back home and find her all depressed about life for no reason (when I asked her, she said that the reason is that she is not sure I love her, then I ask what can I do to prove it, and she does not know).
    Yesterday we had the worst fight(at 11:30 PM, after a long working day for me), and I was so frustrated that I told her I don't want to marry her. She just became hysterical, and told me that how come I give up on her so easily, and she said "you see? I was right, you really don't love me".
    What can I do? Is she depressive? Is she spoiled? Am I the problem? I feel she is being passive-agressive, by not respecting my personal space (she pokes me and pokes me until I can not take it anymore). I don't want to break up, but I am running out of ideas, and I don't think I can keep taking a fight every month.
    Please give me some advice. I am very lonely and I don't have any body I trust to discuss this topic.
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #2

    Mar 7, 2010, 12:50 PM

    She could be depressed I suppose,has she seen a doctor?

    It sounds like low selfesteem possibly combined with hormonal moodswings,but then again only a doctor can diagnose her.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,272, Reputation: 7690
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    #3

    Mar 7, 2010, 12:52 PM

    And you have to decide if she does not change how many years can this go on
    Gemini54's Avatar
    Gemini54 Posts: 2,871, Reputation: 1116
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    #4

    Mar 7, 2010, 07:10 PM
    She probably needs to speak to someone about her moods and what seems like low grade chronic depression.

    It seems also as if she's looking to you to solve all her problems and to make her feel happy rather than taking responsibility for her own feelings.

    Both of you sound as if you've only each other to rely on, and I suspect that this has created a type of co-dependency.

    However, her behavior from what you describe, is controlling and fearful and could well be passive-aggressive or even Histrionic.

    Once things are calmer why don't you have a talk with her and suggest she see a doctor? You could also see a counsellor yourself so that you can get assistance to deal with her behavior and your feelings of loneliness and helplessness.

    I agree with Fr Chuck - you have a hard decision to make regarding this relationship - is this the sort of person you REALLY want to be married to?
    vanheart's Avatar
    vanheart Posts: 2,806, Reputation: 708
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    #5

    Mar 7, 2010, 08:02 PM

    I agree.
    Marriage should be based on a solid foundation.

    Those talks are just talks. Way premature.

    Plus once someone says "Im not the ideal" yet super needy. Then split. She's confused about what she needs. Not a "complete" individual.

    Is that what you want?

    Don't wait around to fix this "girl" & don't make her let you feel like you are too old. That's insane. Either she loves you & wants to show it, or she can make her own excuses why to you & herself. Might be not for you to fix.

    She's young & trying to figure it out. Doesn't know how, honestly. You're 33 & still trying to figure it out. Do you know how?
    CarrotTalker's Avatar
    CarrotTalker Posts: 392, Reputation: 189
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    #6

    Mar 7, 2010, 08:11 PM

    I think the marriage issue is too much of a burden on her. I feel there might be too much of an age difference here for that.

    I think what she means when she "fights" with you, is she wants you to simply ask what is on her mind and listen. Don't try to solve her problem, just listen and be supportive/positive of her.
    vanheart's Avatar
    vanheart Posts: 2,806, Reputation: 708
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    #7

    Mar 7, 2010, 08:19 PM

    Good point.

    With all things in life, if we don't listen, we don't learn.

    Once we get that down, we can listen to our gut.

    Pretty soon your gut will kick in.

    I disagree, be supportive & positive to yourself. She's super insecure & needs some growing. Want to wait?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,884, Reputation: 10852
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    #8

    Mar 8, 2010, 02:40 PM

    This is but a preview of long term behavior, and I wouldn't think of getting married until its resolved to the benefit of you both, and that's about communicating, and defining boundaries.

    I think it takes longer than 9 months for that though, and maybe this is more of a sign the lust is gone, and you see each other differently, and don't like it, or the honeymoon is over, and you both need to find mature ways to deal with your differences, and personal needs.

    If you can't figure out how to work together through honest communications, guess what?

    Its already over, and your wasting your time, and fooling yourselves with talk of marriage.

    You're both clearly the problem. Maybe couples counseling can help, and it sure can't hurt.

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