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    hardtoheal's Avatar
    hardtoheal Posts: 6, Reputation: 3
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    #1

    May 20, 2011, 10:31 AM
    Girlfriend left with no explanation after almost 8 years. Depressed as all hell.
    I was in a serious relationship with my ex girlfriend/fiancee for 7 years and 7 months before the first unexpected breakup. Before I get to my question I'll give some backstory.

    I first met my girlfriend in the 10th grade in spanish class. When we first met we hit it off as friends and after we graduated from High School we started dating in 2003. Fast forward to now we were always in sync with each other: nicknames, finishing each other sentences, calling each other at the exact moment the other was thinking about the other.I asked her to be my wife on New Years 2009 and she was gushing with excitement and we had started making plans and everything and I could give out her first name and it would pop up instantly in Google our wedding registry because she has a unique name but I won't.

    We never had any problems until march 29th. She told me that we need to break up. Naturally it caught me off guard and she basically said she just wanted to be by herself and that she wanted some space just for herself. We cried and went our separate ways. 10 days later we start talking again and I'm thinking "Thank GOD". We start hanging out again and talking every now and then. I take her out for her birthday (may 2nd) and we make plans to go to the movies and everything else.

    On may 10th I heard nothing from her. The next morning she tells me she was just tired and went to bed early and that was fine. The next night after she gets off work she calls and says and I quote:"I can't do this anymore. I can't see you anymore.I can't talk to you anymore" and then she hung up and cut her phone off. Really? After all we've done together it ends like that? I sent her two text messages and left a phone message and she hasn't responded to this day. I remember after the first time we broke up she said that's that what she thought she wanted to do but she could never truly give me up. She also said that all she had was memories of us and not just her by herself. It sounds like she just wants to be independent and build memories of her own so why not just say it?

    So why the change of heart again? Two days before she broke up with me she was talking about moving in with me again and seeing a movie that Friday. What could cause someone to change so quickly like that? She was my best friend for almost 10 years and that's how she ends it all. Im having trouble moving on and I would appreciate everyone's opinion because I know I will never get closure on this but I need help. I loved her with all of my heart. I am still completely head over hills for her. I text once every 3 days just reminding her I still love her but in my heart I don't believe she'll ever come back.Also if anyone out there is thinking of breaking up without giving their partner at least something to close with, please don't. It's the one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #2

    May 20, 2011, 10:48 AM

    First, I'd stop contacting her. Leave her alone to sort out her feelings.

    She DID tell you why she wanted to break up - not in the exact words you would like to hear. "She also said that all she had was memories of us and not just her by herself. It sounds like she just wants to be independent and build memories of her own so why not just say it?" She did say it, just not using the words you would like to hear.

    It sounds like she broke up, gave the relationship a second chance, that second chance didn't "work" for her and now she wants out of the relationship.

    All breakups hurt. Maybe she doesn't want to argue with you, maybe she doesn't want to say something that will hurt you, maybe she thinks she already gave you an explanation.

    I don't know that anyone who has ever watched someone walk away has received an explanation they understand or believe... or don't try to argue about.
    88sunflower's Avatar
    88sunflower Posts: 1,207, Reputation: 462
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    #3

    May 20, 2011, 11:19 AM
    I am so sorry for your pain and lost dreams. But honestly at this point I don't think any reason she gives you for this split will give you closure. You will not see it and you are hoping for her return. I believe in what she says. I believe in it because you started dating young and then started to plan a wedding. Which in wonderful. But I am sorry to say I applaud her for turning the other cheek on her wedding plans and stepping back. If she needs space and wants to be on her own then so be it. Would you rather go forward and get married only for her to realize her mistake and want a divorce or she has an affair?

    Its tough. You love her. But you can't make her be with you if she has other ideas. Leave her alone and let her have her space. She more then likely went back to you short term like she did because she was insecure with her decision. But as much as it hurts be happy she was strong enough to stop the wedding plans before it was to late.
    hardtoheal's Avatar
    hardtoheal Posts: 6, Reputation: 3
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    #4

    May 20, 2011, 11:58 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by JudyKayTee View Post
    First, I'd stop contacting her. Leave her alone to sort out her feelings.

    She DID tell you why she wanted to break up - in the exact words you would like to hear. "She also said that all she had was memories of us and not just her by herself. It sounds like she just wants to be independent and build memories of her own so why not just say it?" She did say it, just not using the words you would like to hear.

    It sounds like she broke up, gave the relationship a second chance, that second chance didn't "work" for her and now she wants out of the relationship.

    All breakups hurt. Maybe she doesn't want to argue with you, maybe she doesn't want to say something that will hurt you, maybe she thinks she already gave you an explanation.

    I don't know that anyone who has ever watched someone walk away has received an explanation they understand or believe ... or don't try to argue about.
    Thanks for the response. Ill stop contacting her but I have that feeling that she'll forget that I love her even though I know she knows that. I think most people have that same feeling in situations like this. It comforts me in a way but I know that at the same time it could be pushing her further away. I think I see now why most people prefer casual relationships now as to avoid the loss of a loved one and just date for fun.
    hardtoheal's Avatar
    hardtoheal Posts: 6, Reputation: 3
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    #5

    May 20, 2011, 12:21 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by 88sunflower View Post
    I am so sorry for your pain and lost dreams. But honestly at this point I don't think any reason she gives you for this split will give you closure. You will not see it and you are hoping for her return. I believe in what she says. I believe in it because you started dating young and then started to plan a wedding. Which in wonderful. But I am sorry to say I applaud her for turning the other cheek on her wedding plans and stepping back. If she needs space and wants to be on her own then so be it. Would you rather go forward and get married only for her to realize her mistake and want a divorce or she has an affair?

    Its tough. You love her. But you can't make her be with you if she has other ideas. Leave her alone and let her have her space. She more then likely went back to you short term like she did because she was insecure with her decision. But as much as it hurts be happy she was strong enough to stop the wedding plans before it was to late.
    The thing that kills me though is that SHE was the one setting the majority of the wedding stuff up. She was watching "Say yes to the dress" religiously and talking about the wedding budget
    mmresd's Avatar
    mmresd Posts: 2,001, Reputation: 553
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    #6

    May 20, 2011, 12:21 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by hardtoheal View Post
    It sounds like she just wants to be independent and build memories of her own so why not just say it?
    She did tell you, you just didn't listen, what do you think this means? "Naturally it caught me off guard and she basically said she just wanted to be by herself and that she wanted some space just for herself." She might have not specified why it was but does it really matter, her decision was made already. Be happy at least you got broken up over her losing her individual identity, which happens sometimes, you didn't have to feel her telling you she was running off with someone else or something worse.

    Quote Originally Posted by hardtoheal View Post
    So why the change of heart again?
    I don't think is a different change of hear, I believe it is the same one, just that she was still gathering courage to break the relationship, it takes a lot of it after a relationship that lasted so long.

    Quote Originally Posted by hardtoheal View Post
    What could cause someone to change so quickly like that?
    Who knows only she does, however I can pretty much guarantee that she has been thinking about it for a while, it probably did not "change so quickly like that".

    Quote Originally Posted by hardtoheal View Post
    She was my best friend for almost 10 years and that's how she ends it all.
    She is ending it all because she knows better, and No Contact would benefit both of you, which is why she is not responding, as far as ending the friendship maybe she just doesn't believe you guys can simply become friends, and with the way your feelings are right now, neither do I. However if you continue to stalk her with the "I love you" messages when she is not responding she WILL end ALL ties with you, so stop if you would like to make her a friend in the future (several YEARS from now), your infatuation with this girl is enormous and any romantic interest needs to STOP before trying to have a friendship.

    Quote Originally Posted by hardtoheal View Post
    Im having trouble moving on and I would appreciate everyones opinion because I know I will never get closure on this but I need help.
    Closure on a relationship is when you are completely over it, so you WILL receive closure someday, it is going to take a while, but as she has moved on, life moves on too, and you will meet someone else. You have trouble because you are very used to her being your girlfriend, but just as you got used to that, you will also get used to being single again, eventually you will not think about her and be happy on your own, it sounds like nonsense now, but you will remember this when you achieved it.

    Quote Originally Posted by hardtoheal View Post
    I text once every 3 days just reminding her I still love her but in my heart I don't believe she'll ever come back.Also if anyone out there is thinking of breaking up without giving their partner at least something to close with, please don't. Its the one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced.
    Like I said, STOP texting her, she obviously doesn't want it and you don't want to push her away any further than she is. I have made that mistake. I don't know if she will come back or not, but it doesn't sound like it is going to happen anytime soon, and if she comes back after you have already started healing then think about it first, because she might put you through this again, and the second time is even worse. I believe is one of the worst feelings A LOT of the people in this website has ALREADY felt before.

    To wrap up. You need to start thinking of mental well being and start healing from this relationship. I would advice to go No Contact, the rules are written down on the main page of relationships in case you don't know what it is. It is for you to get over it ASAP (this will take a while though) and to not have to suffer more than you have to. Keep yourself busy, work out more, swim, run, work, study, do your best to limit your mind wondering thoughts about your ex-girlfriend (this is what she is and you need to accept it). You will be fine, is going to take some time and is not going to be easy, but you WILL be fine.

    Good Luck,
    Javi
    hardtoheal's Avatar
    hardtoheal Posts: 6, Reputation: 3
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    #7

    May 20, 2011, 01:13 PM
    Thank you for this. This is something I needed. I'll take your advice. Im sure the woman that was meant for me will come along sooner or later. I need to focus on myself for now anyway.
    mmresd's Avatar
    mmresd Posts: 2,001, Reputation: 553
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    #8

    May 20, 2011, 01:31 PM
    Comment on hardtoheal's post
    Good Choice! ;)
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #9

    May 20, 2011, 01:59 PM

    She also would not be the first woman who was swept away by the wedding planning and THEN thought about the actual marriage.

    She is very clearly conflicted. I think it would be a mistake to contact her, pressure her, remind her that you love her and have her come back and decide again that she "can't do this."

    What happens next is up to her. Take care of yourself and see where life takes you next.
    vanheart's Avatar
    vanheart Posts: 2,806, Reputation: 708
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    #10

    May 21, 2011, 07:07 PM
    The reasons never matter.

    Don't trip too hard on that & spend your time wondering why.

    There's only one thing now. NC for good. Forever. That is the ultimate reward. Show her indifference.

    Disappear from her and anyone(thing) that has to do with her. Block her.

    She doesn't deserve one more second of your time.

    This sucks, I know.
    The good thing is NOW, you have a chance to grow, reflect & treat yourself. Live a better life w/o her.
    Your life.

    That's what she's doing.

    Takes time & strength. Don't beg, hunt for gossip or wait around for her.
    All that will only set you back.



    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,915, Reputation: 10852
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    #11

    May 22, 2011, 03:36 PM

    Break ups suck! Sometimes I get tired of telling broken hearts that come for advice that they suck big time! You already know that they do.

    But they are supposed to suck! That's so you learn to deal with loss, and know you will survive. The amazing thing is that most that do survive get stronger, and want to risk it again... and again... and again..!
    jmjoseph's Avatar
    jmjoseph Posts: 2,727, Reputation: 1244
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    #12

    May 22, 2011, 04:13 PM

    I know you don't want to hear it, but if you do stay apart, you'll be just fine.

    The world is full of women.

    Women who know what they want, and don't put you on hold for the "answers" to their lives.

    Maybe it will work in the long run. Who knows for sure? But for the time being, I agree with no contact.

    You're putting way too much into a leaky vessel.

    Good luck to you.
    hardtoheal's Avatar
    hardtoheal Posts: 6, Reputation: 3
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    #13

    May 22, 2011, 04:23 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by jmjoseph View Post
    I know you don't want to hear it, but if you do stay apart, you'll be just fine.

    The world is full of women.

    Women who know what they want, and don't put you on hold for the "answers" to their lives.

    Maybe it will work in the long run. Who knows for sure? But for the time being, I agree with no contact.

    You're putting way too much into a leaky vessel.

    Good luck to you.
    I know. Its just so weird not talking to her for this long. But at the same time I realize that she has lots of things to remind her of me as well as things reminding me of her. Hopefully in the long run we will reunite but I'm not going to hold my breath hoping it happens. The feeling of being alone is what really gets to me though. I've been in relationships for the last 11 years straight with a couple of different women and now to be solo is different for me.
    88sunflower's Avatar
    88sunflower Posts: 1,207, Reputation: 462
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    #14

    May 22, 2011, 06:10 PM
    Grasp your new freedom and run with it. Eleven years is a long time to be in relationships with no break. You have every chance in the world right now to live life for you. Do what you like, when you like and how you like. Stay who you are or work on changes.

    You will have memories of her. You have memories of the one before her and so on. Each person that walks in your life you have a memory of some sort. We all leave a mark one way or another. That's great. Memories are fun. One day when you look back at her memory as a "what if" but only it will be a good one you let pass over.

    One more thing.
    It is feeling strange not talking with her for so long because she is all you were used to. Its your routine and comfort zone. You will get used to a new routine and then it will be strange to actually talk to her if you ever should.
    vanheart's Avatar
    vanheart Posts: 2,806, Reputation: 708
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    #15

    May 23, 2011, 06:06 PM
    I know what you are feeling.

    Being in long relationships, then not.

    Ive been single for 2 years now. Needed the time. Believe me.
    Miss the closeness & security sometimes, but certainly not the BS. Or from someone that isn't right. What's the point?

    My last breakup & this forum opened my eyes quite a bit. How little I really know.
    Happy Anniversary to me & amhd!

    You will be fine. Use this time to get in your own head & heart, not hers. Grow as you.
    Be more aware of everything.

    Use this to your benefit.

    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,915, Reputation: 10852
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    #16

    May 23, 2011, 08:19 PM

    Has it been that long Van? Glad you stuck around to give excellent advice, and insights to others.
    vanheart's Avatar
    vanheart Posts: 2,806, Reputation: 708
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    #17

    May 23, 2011, 08:24 PM
    Comment on talaniman's post
    Yup, time flies. Thanks man. I owe a lot to you. Im here for good.
    reckless's Avatar
    reckless Posts: 109, Reputation: 30
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    #18

    May 23, 2011, 11:45 PM

    Telling her that you love her is making her feel guilty, not more in love with you. That painful guilt only reinforces her feeling that this breakup was a necessary evil, something painful but something that had to be done.

    If she ever took you back, it'd have to be from inside her, not from an outside force like you. She needs to think of you on her own, not be forced into it.

    What this means is that you should stop contacting her. It will make her think about you more because she's wondering why you're not there, calling her and texting her every second. It'll make her wonder what you're doing as much as you wonder what she's doing. Even so, that can't be your motive. It has to be to move forward and not repeat the same mistakes you made.

    Completing each other's sentences, calling each other at the same time, and getting engaged might have been too much. You might have known each other too well. Did you smother her? Did you make her feel trapped? Did you lose your aura of mystery? Probably. Stop being predictable and stop calling her. Start taking risks and doing things that the old self would never consider doing. Go out and have fun.

    Even if you do get her back, things will never be the same. I can say this from experience because I got an ex girlfriend of 1 and a half years back, but was haunted with fears that we would break up again. I just couldn't be myself. I felt insecure and inadequate, constantly questioning whether I was treating her right. Can you really say that you'll trust her exactly as much as you used to? Probably not. It may seem counterintuitive, but you need to stop caring. You need to distract yourself.

    She's probably already moved on, my ex broke up with me to explore. Yours probably did too. Think about it, yours was with you through half of high school and through college, all that time and she hasn't experimented around. I found out mine was flirting with some other guy during the time we were apart. Don't be surprised if yours is too. And I'm not saying to expect it, I'm saying that you should be so uninvolved in her life that you don't even know about it.

    GO live your LIFE

    It took me 8 months to refind myself and 7 months after that to find the girl I'm with now. There is a life after this. Start looking for it.
    JoeJ4684's Avatar
    JoeJ4684 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    May 24, 2011, 10:48 PM
    I know how you feel man and it's tough. It was probably the worst 6 months of my life... Same thing happened with me (you can read my story from a year ago if you like). However, you need to be strong, I know how hard it is and everyday you wake up you feel like something is missing (like someone punched you in the stomach). You can't sleep, rarely eat and constantly check the phone. Every time you hear it ring or chirp you will literally bust through a wall just to answer it. Then when you realize it's not her you feel even worse. But, time heals all wounds. I know what your thinking, that you'll never be happy again. I was in the same boat, I thought my life was over. No matter how many people told me to move on I wouldn't. No matter how many friends, colleagues or family members told me it was over I wouldn't listen. But with every passing day it gets better. I know it's hard to believe, but it's true you will pull through this. Then one day you'll wake up and you'll feel better and realize that there are many fish in the sea. Then that girl that walks out of the bar to ask you for a light for her cigarette, turns out to be your new girlfriend (like what happened with me). Stay strong and don't let her get the best of you brother.
    88sunflower's Avatar
    88sunflower Posts: 1,207, Reputation: 462
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    #20

    May 25, 2011, 03:17 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by reckless View Post
    Telling her that you love her is making her feel guilty, not more in love with you. That painful guilt only reinforces her feeling that this breakup was a necessary evil, something painful but something that had to be done.
    This post right here says it all and I have seen it personally in my life. The more you tell her you love her or want her back or whatever other words your using she is there only out of guilt. Think about it. Its like seeing that lonely puppy in the pound. You know you don't want that in your life but its little face and eyes drag you in to take it home.

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