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    My girlfriend has been lying to me.. need advice/help!

    Asked Nov 27, 2005, 04:07 AM — 25 Answers
    Ok, I am so lost and confused and need major help, as this is the most screwed up position I have EVER been in. Me and my girlfriend have been together for a couple of months now. Well, we decided to get a place together (I know.. possible mistake since we weren't together for too long... which I found out was possibly a BIG mistake). Anyway, before we moved, a friend of mine had some "suspisions" about her... saying that she was cheating on me with her ex. I knew that she was hanging out with her ex still because she is in to racing and so is he. That didn't bother me because I still hang out with my ex occasionally, and my girlfriend knows about it. Well, my friend apparently overheard them say "I love you" to each other one night at a race and that they were hanging all over each other (my friend went with them one night.. I couldn't go because I was at work). Well, I asked her about it, and she denied everything. My friend had been wrong about "suspisions" in the past and has made things up... so, I "trusted" my girlfriend. I thought, besides, why would she do that in front of my friend when she knows he would tell me about it?

    So, me and her move in to our new place. Well, despite my "trust", I was curious about what her and her ex were talking about online on Yahoo messenger, so even though I told myself I'd never go in to someone's private messages, I did anyway. I got on her computer and checked her Yahoo message archives. I found the conversations between my girlfriend and her ex, and what do I see? I see the phrase "I love you" MULTIPLE times said by both of them to each other! I was FURIOUS! I also saw some stuff about them getting married next year, basically they were still "together", even though she told me that they were broken up. So, at this point, I am so disoriented and dazed. But, it's not proof that she is physically cheating on me. She did promise me in the past that she would let me know when she was going to be at a function/get-together and he would be there. Well, their conversations also showed multiple times that they hung out at HIS place, went out to dinner, etc... and those times are on the weekends, and I work overnight on the weekends, and sleep weekend nights. Well, she has always told me she was going to hang out with some friends while I was at work. So, at this point, I am seeing nothing but lies to me!!

    Well, I wanted soooo bad to confront her about it, but at the same time, I went through her message archives after I told her I trusted her. So, I told her that a mutual friend had talked to me online one night and said that my girlfriend and her ex were in fact still together, etc. Of course, she denies everything. SHe called her ex right in front of me and basically chewed him out telling him to find out who the hell it was that talked to me, and telling him (her ex) to leave us (myself and her) alone! So, I am trying to figure this out... I was soooo confused She also mentioned to me that she was still trying to get "her" money from him, and the messages on Yahoo show that he was getting a loan for her (which happened to be about the same amount that she told me he still had of hers).. yet another lie. So, I was thinking maybe she is trying to milk everything out of him that she can? A couple of days later, I get an email from her ex (he found my name through yahoo) introducing himself her fiancé, saying that he was sorry about all of this and that this has all made "their" relationship harder. Ok, so I confronted her about it and she was pissed.. at him. SHe has always called him a pathological lier and said that he is just trying to get her back,, blah blah.

    It's weird... she has always showed nothing but love towards me.. I would have NEVER known anything if I didn't look through her archives, and sometimes I wish I never did. I am currently blinded by love, and it stinks.

    I was basically starting to get sick of all of it and was going to confront her about me looking through her archives, etc. But, here's where the big kicker comes in. Not too long ago, she comes to me and tells me she is pregnant. I was actually thrilled because I have wanted a kid for a long time. So, now I'm really lost and confused. What do I do? I never thought I'd be one to had a child, and not be with someone... I DON'T want that! So, I let it go a few more days. Me and her went to the doctor and got her ultrasound and all. SHe's not even 2 months along, and me and her have been together for almost 3 months. Well, shortly after that, she got depressed about something (I won't get in to what about), and I also had made her mad about something.. and she needed some time to herself. So she left for a while. While she was gone, I receive a phone call on our house phone... it was her EX! He said that she was worried about her (apparently she had called him or something). Well, he goes on about how he was worried about her, and started talking about how she "broke up" with him the week before, and also that she told him about the pregnancy, saying "congratulation, you're going to be a daddy". I was shaking... I was at a loss for words. He asked if me and her were seeing each other, and I was so disoriented at this point that I remember saying yes we are seeing each other, but I didn't tell him how long. I wish I would have!! He knew nothing of me, except that I was a friend of "his fiance"... this is what I gathered from the message archives as well. So, anyway, he asked me to have her call him when she gets home. SHortly afterwards she gets home and calls him. They end up arguing... very loudly,, her telling him to stay away from her and leave her alone. So, I asked her about what he had said to me, and of course she called him a lier, etc... saying that he was JUST telling her that he WISHES he was the daddy.

    Ok, so after this long story, here's what it boils down to. She is no longer with him at this point, BUT he thinks that the child is his. If he in fact knows how far along she is, then yes, she was cheating me if he thinks the child is his. Here is where I need help. At this point, I want to tell her that I know everything! I want to tell her that I KNOW she has been lying to me this whole time! I would confront her, except there is going to be a child in the picture soon. One thing that was suggested to me was to ask the doctor to figure out the date of conception for me. If the conception date is on a weekend, then the kid is not mine (we have never had sex on the weekends, mainly because of my work schedule). But I don't know how accurate that would be, plus if my girlfriend found out, I'd just have to confront her anyway. I guess my question is... should I wait to find out if the child is mine before I say anything, or should I just tell her now that I know everything. Her ex is out of the picture now as far as them seeing each other, and I could just let things go as if nothing ever happened, and she apparently wants me to be the dad since I am the one going to the doctor with her and whatnot. But then again, this whole thing was proof that trust is going to be an issue. I am so blind-sided because we fell in love with each other so early... but then again I wonder if her "love" for me is also a lie? The only thing holding me back from telling her that I know she has been lying to me, is the fact that we have a 1 year lease at this house (both names on the lease), and there is a child on the way. I am so lost and confused. :confused:

    Last edited by bassistguy; Nov 27, 2005 at 04:57 AM.
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    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,930, Reputation: 674
    Ultra Member

    Nov 27, 2005, 05:01 AM
    Your post is really long.
    But, you said you and your girlfriend have been together for a couple of months now. That really isn't time for 2 people to get to know one another very well. I've been married for 28 yrs, and it takes longer than an couple of months!
    I would be honest with her, and in a respectful way, talk with her about it.
    Get it out in the open, and talk about it.
    Stop being confused, and face the question about the lying part.
    She will either tell you the truth, or lie about it. A good relationship cannot grow with lies.
    I do sincerely wish you good luck, and please talk with her about it, before it gets much worse.
    lilfyre's Avatar
    lilfyre Posts: 508, Reputation: 98
    Senior Member

    Nov 27, 2005, 08:39 AM
    I hate to say this because I truly feel for you, but your relationship is still very new
    Quote Originally Posted by fredg
    You and your girlfriend have been together for a couple of months now. That really isn't time for 2 people to get to know one another very well. I've been married for 28 yrs, and it takes longer than an couple of months!
    I would be honest with her, and in a respectful way, talk with her about it.
    Get it out in the open, and talk about it.
    Stop being confused, and face the question about the lying part.
    She will either tell you the truth, or lie about it. A good relationship cannot grow with lies.
    I do sincerely wish you good luck, and please talk with her about it, before it gets much worse.
    and you two are already having problems. I have been married for 17 years, and yes we have had our problems, but they where never lying and cheating. Now you add to the blender of problems a baby that you do not even know if it is yours.

    You need to be truthful to yourself and evaluated what you know as fact. You need to confront her. She will tell you what you want to hear. Do not stay together because there is a baby is involved. If you are fighting now you will be fighting then, and this will only hurt the child as the child grows to adolescents and then into adulthood. If the child is yours it will still be yours as he or she grows. The one that need to grow seems to be the girl you are involved with. Please keep in mind that this is only my opinion. You have to do what is best for you.
    CaptainForest's Avatar
    CaptainForest Posts: 3,646, Reputation: 393
    Ultra Member

    Nov 27, 2005, 06:17 PM
    She's like what 8 weeks pregnant?

    At 10 weeks pregnancy, you can have a paternity test run. HAVE ONE RUN. Don't take her word of you being the father.

    That being said, confront her over the stuff in the Yahoo archives. So you looked though her stuff, you needed confirmation.

    But from the way you talked about it, it doesn't sound like u 2 should be together.

    I say confront her about everything, and have a paternity test run.
    Helpful (1)
    lovelydragonessash's Avatar
    lovelydragonessash Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Nov 27, 2005, 06:48 PM
    I would definaltly confront her about everything.. she needs to know that you know and I promise you will feel better after you tell her what you know.. and if your not sure that you're the father you need to find out soon...
    letmeno's Avatar
    letmeno Posts: 216, Reputation: 23
    Full Member

    Nov 27, 2005, 06:57 PM
    You have stepped in some major crap, and I honestly don't know where to start... I don't care what a person say's, how many times they say it, if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck... you know the rest. She is going to be pissed about you checking her e-mail, SO WHAT!! I think that she would be more pissed about the fact that she is caught more so than you going through her personal belonging. She needs to know that you know all of this. I don't know if you would get the truth out of her @ that point, but fabricating a lie about the evidence that you found would be extremely hard for her to do. Confront her about it now.
    I have a son, and if he were in a situation such as this, I would tell him to hold on to his wallet for dear life until he had the results of a positive DNA test in his hand. I know that you are in love and it does hurt but this lady has been taking you on a ride that is going to last for the next 18 years of your life and beyond if you don't put the brakes on this right now.
    This woman has carried on a full fledge relationship right under your nose, I don't get what it is that you are confused about. If she would be a woman about it, confess, apologize, and try and make the situation right and work on you two's relationship, I would say work it out if you can, but the fact that she had a RELATIONSHIP with another guy and carried it on, and lied and lied some more, and is STILL lying. If you don't get out and run right now, you will regret this.
    Good Luck
    Helpful (1)
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,583, Reputation: 435
    Ultra Member

    Nov 27, 2005, 08:45 PM
    1. Well, what I tell everyone here... once a chaeter - always a chaeter. I have never seen any different - those folks don't change - hey, it's a way of life for these folks... they thinks it OK. They don't know any different. It's their problem and no longer should be yours. They WILL do it again. I bet her parents were divorced or her fahter left or she didn't know her father or she some how abused.

    2. She has LIED to you and you really don't know her. I few months is nothing - people can act differently in the short term. Not the long term. You don't want to be with some one who lies so much and you have only know for such a short time. Some who feels it's OK to tell you they will be in one place and in fact actually be somewhere else - WITH HER EX!!

    3. She's supposedly engaged!!

    4. I am sure when she told you she was on the phone him - no one was on the phone. This is some kind of weird game with her. I have a feeling she is nuts!! Can't quite face reality.

    5. Relationship at the very nutsheel is are based on TRUST and RESPECT.

    You don't and can never TRUST this woman. She DOES NOT RESPECT YOU!! Hello??

    And when you don't trust someone - you don't respect them.

    This is horrible and no relationship.

    6. Get a paternity test and pray to god it's not your kid!! (I doubt it is and bet she is farther along like maybe 3 + months)

    7. I have a feeling you're pawn in a broken relations (her and her ex) and they both are crazy.

    Move on - quit having anything to do with her unless that's your kid. Nothing gto work out here - RUN!

    Here the KEY though... YOU rushed a relationship. FELL too fast... first the first few months you should take it slow... date other... AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD don't move in until like 6 months or more. Get to know some one so these skelletons in the closet don't come out and you DON'T get hurt!!

    You still don't know her and there may be more crap to come.

    THE KEY IS: It sounds like you don't want or deserve someone like this. I am sure you want a relationship... but not with this gal please.
    Helpful (3)
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,473, Reputation: 760
    Uber Member

    Nov 28, 2005, 06:24 PM
    I'd confront her up front about everything. The more naïve she thinks you are, the more she'll try to pull with you. Letting her know that you're wise to her may stop her. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like there's much of a future for the two of you, the child and the lease on the house notwithstanding. As soon as the child is born, get a DNA test to ascertain whether you are the father. If you are, then of course you'll have obligations to the child but that doesn't mean you have obligations to her. As for the one-year lease on the house, when that expires I'd seriously consider getting a new residence, without her. Find yourself a nice, trustworthy girl who'll enjoy being a stepmom to your child ; someone with whom you can raise your son/daughter in a healthy, loving relationship.
    Helpful (1)
    nymphetamine's Avatar
    nymphetamine Posts: 900, Reputation: 109
    Senior Member

    Nov 28, 2005, 07:15 PM
    This girl should meet my ex husband. He loved to play little games like that.This yelling at her ex on the phone thing? Bs. Anyone can play that game. She's a liar. She's had years of practice. Her on phone: '''bastard leave me alone. You wish! Don't ever come near us!" Her to other guy when you arent around:" I love you. Blabla mushy lovely stuff." the other guy acts like he's all innocent. Pu-lease! He in on it too, honey child.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,583, Reputation: 435
    Ultra Member

    Nov 28, 2005, 07:58 PM
    Exactly. Crankiebabie is right here. Ughhhhhh.

    Again you're a pawn in a broken relationship btween her and her ex. She's USING you against him... hanging with you when your lonely.

    I bet she loves this other guy and he is a REAL jerk and dumps here and treats her like crap... AND SHE LOVES IT!! Loves it!!
    momincali's Avatar
    momincali Posts: 641, Reputation: 242
    Senior Member

    Nov 29, 2005, 12:40 AM
    Bassist- Okay, here it goes... RUN! To the nearest paternity lawyer... get proof positive. This girl and her boyfriend are Shady with a capital S! Wildcat is right, I hope this isn't your child because then you can kick her butt out of your apartment and out of your life. Who cares how pissed off she gets at you, she has no right after all the lies she's told you. You read her email only because she gave you sufficient cause to doubt her and you followed your gut, that's good, don't ever be ashamed of that. This all sounds pretty fishy and doesn't sit well with me. They are really a match made in hell and if this is really his baby then you've just been given the rest of your life back because dealing with this female for the next 18 years trying to raise your kid will not be very much fun. She's into games and life's too short for that. Oh, and if this turns out okay, don't do it again! Don't move in with a girl after 2 months because you "think" you love her, you don't even know her and you're risking making an innocent baby and bringing them into this crap! Know this, she doesn't love you, that's obvious, love just doesn't act that way and you don't love her either, deeply infatuated and love the excitement of a new relationship maybe, but not love, I don't think so anyway!
    DJ 'H''s Avatar
    DJ 'H' Posts: 1,109, Reputation: 114
    Ultra Member

    Nov 29, 2005, 03:13 AM
    Get out now...
    This girl is the female version of my ex. Tells you what you want to hear - Is very good lier; able to make you doubt what you know deep down is true and able to get what she wants when she wants it.

    This girl is manipulating you and trying to control you - don't let her. You can confront her about everything, but there is noway she is going to admit anything to you.

    My ex was cheating on me for the majority of our relationship - towards the end he went behind my back with my so called "Best Friend" went there with two of his ex's and then left me for some girl who was friends with his family and had met me before.

    He was spotted by several of my work colleagues and friends. I even checked his email account and found emails that confirmed my worst fears. I was in love with this guy and would have done anything for him.

    I confronted him and he lied to me about everything - I even confronted my so called "Best Friend" and she lied to me. I asked her 3 times and each story was different and did not match what my ex had told me. They just thought I was stupid - but my instincts had said all along he was playing away. But because of my love for him I did not want to admit it to myself.

    But with help & support from family and friends I did and I am so glad I got out. He made me so unhappy and I became a person that I never ever wanted to be.

    I know it's hard now that there is a baby involved but please don't do this to yourself. The doctor will know the date she conceived; but from what you have said it does not sound like it's yours and you probably know deep down if it is or isn't. She just knows you will stand by her and the baby that's why she has chosen you. She does not care about you only her own well being.

    Get out before it's too late - put yourself first!
    Helpful (1)
    thomas27's Avatar
    thomas27 Posts: 25, Reputation: 5
    New Member

    Nov 29, 2005, 09:01 AM
    I agree with fredg... always has good advice.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,259, Reputation: 10825

    Dec 3, 2005, 10:08 PM
    I knew you where in trouble when you move in with this girl after two months.My friend you have been truly kicked in your.. Its time to cut and run for the hills.a paternity test is a must,no doubt.Somebody has to get out of the place you share right now no ifs ands or butts(yours is already sore)The sooner you get her out of your life the sooner you heal,and I bet you'll know better next time.No matter how much in loooove you think you are there's no excuse to rush into things so blindly.Don't beat yourself up but look at the part you played to make the mess your in now,get a plan to deal with it and say whew glad its over.I hope its not your kid tho' but if it is do the right thing none of this is his fault.I wish you all the luck but a surgeon to remove her boot would be better :cool: P.S. don't mean to sound harsh but you need to get busy :cool:
    bassistguy's Avatar
    bassistguy Posts: 32, Reputation: 4
    Junior Member

    Dec 31, 2005, 09:16 AM
    Update on the situation
    Well, I am now living in the house by myself. I am loving that, but hating it at the same time, if that makes sense. Basically what happened is that I ended up not confronting her about it, so my anger and confusion kept building up. Well, she was seeing it more and more and started telling me that I don't think about her and that I'm ignoring her, etc. I wasn't ignoring her, I was just not wanting to be around someone who is rude and ignorant towards me for just saying "Good morning, did you sleep well last night?". She blames it on her being pregnant, but no one has to be that big of a b*tch (I can not recall ever calling any girl that in my life). So, what did she do? She disappeared for a few days. I went to where her ex lives and saw her car there. I tried calling her, but she has her phone turned off.
    Well, she came back a few days later while I wasn't there, and took some clothes, and one of her TV's. I was pissed! So, then she comes another day when I'm there. I was supposed to be at work at this time, but I was off half of the day, because it was Christmas. She called before she got there and was surprised that I was there. Anyway, she had the audasidy (spelling) to walk inside, with her EX!! He then goes back outside after grabbing something he handed her. I asked her "so, were you ever going to tell me that you were still seeing (name not disclosed) behind my back throughout our "relationship"? Her response "Whatever... as she is walking away from me". She then says that she wasn't staying there because she doesn't like to be ignored. My response (I ignored what she said since she basically changed the subject on me quickly)... why have you been lying to me the whole time. Her response, "whatever... ". SHe then says she'll be back some other time, and walks out. I tried to go out so I could confront her in front of her ex, as her ex literally has no idea that me and her were seeing each other.. but they took of pretty damn quickly (she was driving). I am going to let him know everything... he has a right to know, I think anyway. She never denied anything I said, which is the funny part.

    So, this has been literally been tearing me up. I have cried.. a lot actually, and it sucks. I left a note in the room that she has her clothes in... typed up with a huge font basically stating my mind about how I think it was crap that our whole relationship was a lie, etc. I also stated that the next time she comes by that she better have the rest of her stuff out, or she'll be finding it on the front lawn. I know 2 wrongs don't make a right, but this has really changed my attitude, hopefully not permanently.

    But, yeah, that's the update. I am done and hope I have not bored anyone. SHe is just about out of my life.. for now, until I get a paternity test (I mentioned that to her as well and she didn't seem to give a crap). As I am typing all of this, it is really making me feel like I'm 15 again. What she pulled was immature, and very heartless. So, for now, I am done dating for a while and I believe I have learned not to rush in to future relationships so quickly, and to not give my trust out so easily. I am a lot better, now that she has been basically gone for the past couple of weeks, but it still hurts every once in a while. Thank you everyone for your support. It was very much appreciated!
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,583, Reputation: 435
    Ultra Member

    Dec 31, 2005, 02:30 PM
    I am sorry... but it's ALWAYS another guy when they act that way. Believe me... ALWAYS. GUYS - PLEASE learn from this.

    I said that in my first post.

    Get out of that house. Forget this woman forever.

    Once a cheater... always a cheater... for get her!!
    spyyder's Avatar
    spyyder Posts: 35, Reputation: -2
    Junior Member

    Dec 31, 2005, 03:05 PM
    To Bassistguy
    Ok dude... your posts where pretty long so I didn't read much (its probably because your mad that you wrote so much... and writing a lot can also ease the pain/ make you feel better)...

    But here is my advice to you... when (or if) you get married... get a prenup contract for your money/property (unless she is richer)!

    Also.. don't chill for a while because your mad... go out and get a girl TODAY (or tomorrow, whatever) dude... (it can be a 'rebound girl').. trust me it feels a lot better.

    I'm also a revenge kind of person... I've been cheated on a few times... usually what I do is go into her house and pee in all her drinks (not too much so she won't get suspicious), and do a bunch of stuff (that give me pleasure.. without her noticing).

    There is also this girl that really hurt me... and is also getting married next month.. so I'm going to come and right when they are going to be married I'm going to yell out "penis"... anyway... just a thought hehe.
    bizygurl's Avatar
    bizygurl Posts: 522, Reputation: 110
    Senior Member

    Dec 31, 2005, 07:00 PM
    When a supposedly "grown woman" responds with "whatever" to an otherwise serious situation she isn't worth wasting another minute thinking about. It sounds to me that she didn't really care about how youfelt and the stress and confusion she put you through this whole time. Because if she did, she would have ended it much more maturely than she did. I CANNOT stand it when I ask someone a question and they respond with "whatever".. uhhh! At least, if anything, it shows a person's true colors and gives you an insite into how they truly are. You only invested a few moths into the relationship so I'm sure you will be okay. Oh by the way, Im not sure if you said anything about the baby, but do you know if its your's or not?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,259, Reputation: 10825

    Jan 1, 2006, 01:28 AM
    At least you where not dumb enough to marry the girl.If its your baby send the check and leave her to her issues I hope you learned your lesson and can move on,give yourself time to heal before you even think about trying the relationship thing again and you won't get punked out by a lying a****female.(No offense to decent women):cool:
    bassistguy's Avatar
    bassistguy Posts: 32, Reputation: 4
    Junior Member

    Jan 1, 2006, 06:17 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by bizygurl
    Oh by the way, Im not sure if you said anything about the baby, but do you know if its your's or not?
    I'm not going to know until the baby is born. I'm going to get a paternity test.

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