Hi I'm Dan and I'm 27. I get laughed at when I ask this question in real life so I'm taking it to the internet.

My long time girlfriend of 3 years is the love of my life. We have so much fun together. She's my best friend. You can do things with her that you couldn't do with most women. She's the only girl I know who plays basketball well and video games. She never nags me about the toilet seat or the mess I've made once I leave the room. She means everything to me and I hope I can call her me wife one day. But, she doesn't let me provide anything for her. Not even the smallest gesture of kindness. She doesn't want me getting the door for her or pulling out her chair for her. She said she'd rather get them herself. When it came to paying the bill at dinner, we use to go dutch during the first 3 months of our relationship. Now we take turns. First she paid, then I paid, then she paid, etc. Apart from that, the only time I can get her anything is on her birthday and our anniversaries. When we first started going out I thought I was in heaven having such a self sufficient, low maintenance girl who doesn't want a man who pays for everything or buys her anything. She was practically one of the guys. Except for the sex of course lol. But now, the man in me wants to come out. I am a born provider and protecter and I'm getting to a point where I don't want her to be totally self sufficient. I want her to need things from me. Because that's what a relationship is based on. Both people being needed by the other. I asked my friends about this and they kind of laughed. They don't have the 'problem' I do. Their girlfriends are more than happy to take gifts and they earn brownie points if they practice Chivalry. Not me.

I don't mean to go back to 1950 or anything but I do want my girlfriend to be a little submissive to me. There's nothing wrong with her being so strong. I just want to be the stronger one in her life. I want to be the rock that she leans on. But she's never really needed me for anything. I feel useless in this relationship. I'm a man. A man wants to leader. But it's like we're fighting for power.

We're physical and all but I want her to be my little girl. She's petite and cute and I can't help but want to protect her and provide for her and be a man. But when I bring it up she says "I don't need to be a man. I just need to be 'her' man." I know that what she said sounds deep and all when I write it but it's left me with a big empty feeling inside. I want to be the Dominant alpha male in her life but... she freaking won't let me! I tried to sort of force my Dominance upon her once but holding the door for her and refusing to let go until she went in. We stood there for a good solid minute just staring at each other as she defiantly said 'no'. People were behind her so I had to eventually accept that. Worst feeling ever. I love her too much to break up with her. Besides, what kind of a reason for breaking up with her is that? "Oh she wouldn't let me hold the door open for her so I called our 3 year relationship off." But this is the only thing that's sort of keeping me from popping the question. When I'm married I want to be the head of household. I'm a Christian and I strongly believe that Men and the head and women are the backbone. What if she won't let me be?

I don't mean to offend any women here but... How can I get my girlfriend to act like a freaking girl? How do I get her to be a little needy? Be a little submissive? Be a WOMAN?

You have to let her when she is ready and when she IS needy.
She sounds very independent. Don't take that away. You could maybe approach her with lets role play and give her a scenerio.
If she doesn't feel comfortable with that either then drop it.
She has her style love her for it.

Here are the red flags I got out of your message.

Is that really what a relationship is based on?? Or is that what you NEED from her. Do you want her to be dependent on you? To me a relationship is about giving 100% of yourself to her and committing your heart 100% to her. And her committing 100% to you! Not 50/50. Not NEEDING you. It sounds like 2 issues:
1) she can't accept 100% of you because then she owes you. You buy, then she buys, you might as well just pull her chair out when you buy, and let her pull the chair out when she buys. Again 50/50 is what its sounding like.

And 2) you sound like you need her to give you 50/50 so that you feel like she is dependent on you and makes you feel like "the man". Just my 2 cents.

I dated a girl like this once, she had so much pride it was insulting. She would drive, pay for stuff, buy me stuff and then want nothing in return... I didn't get it. She even tried paying the bill for my buddy, his wife and their daughter when they went out to eat once. Naturally, he was offended and I told her, "way to make [the father] feel like a provider, you really need to think about the message your sending before doing something this 'nice' again'".

I, like you, had a problem with her behavior. I felt like the woman in the relationship and two-months later she stopped talking to me. She sure as sh*t ran that show.

Then there are two possibilities, you're either not right for each other or you're not as dominant as you think you are.

Wow, I'm surprised so many people have problems with this. So, she isn't conventional... she wants a relationship based on equality and not submission. How is that bad? It's okay to have certain expectations of your significant other, but unfair to insist on them when those expectations change who they are. I'm sure she sees being dependent on you as unappealing as you've determined her being independent is to you. You already dislike the change you've had to cope with in the relationship, so you want to turn the tables and have her accommodate you? That's selfish. Sounds like you aren't right for each other.

So, from what I'm getting, it sounds like I'm in the wrong. That's fine. I'm willing to admit that. I guess I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Either I accept her as she is or I break it off. Neither are looking very good right now.

You can talk compromise but it is hard compromising a persons character, personality and over all makeup of who they are.

I understand what you're getting at... but look at the big picture. You've found someone you love... after three years this is your worst complaint? That's a pretty good thing in my eyes. So she's strong, independent, and can take care of herself. She doesn't need a "crutch" in life which is great. If you need the feeling of being the "provider" then maybe this isn't the right relationship for you. She could change, but what if she doesn't? You can't rely on something that is an "unknown" and something you have no control over.

I know it's nice to feel needed sometimes, but on the flip side imagine if she needed EVERYTHING. Be careful what you wish for... it sounds like you have things pretty good in my book.

Just take a step back and look at your relationship objectively... if this is really something you need then consider ending it. Best of luck!

If your not willing to make adjustments, and accept your partner what's the point?

I think it's a big red flag that you should pay attention to, when your female intimidates you enough that you question your own manhood.

You do have some decisions to make as 3 years and you haven't figured out how to work together, that too, is a big red flag to pay attention to.

You're not in the wrong, you just have a preference. And I have to say that most guys would agree with you on this.

Refusing a gift from someone when he went out of his way to get it because you mean that much to him is analogous to the OP's relationship. You might think you're being humble by sparing him the trouble, but you're really spitting in his face. You'd make him believe that his actions, and really that he is unappreciated and unwanted. At least, that's how I felt when I was in the OP's shoes, and I only dated her briefly. Don't get me wrong, being treated like a king or queen all the time is a bad thing, but once in a while, who doesn't like being treated?

In a matter of words, everyone drew the same conclusion about you two: you probably just aren't right for one another.

Aside from all this, Daaan, she's pretty lucky to have you in that you want to treat her better than she believes she deserves, because I know a lot of guys would see this girl as a cash cow and drain from her as many free meals, money, and time as humanly possible.

If you want a submissive woman, then go through an arranged marriage in a country where women ARE submissive.

Your woman is HERSELF. What you can't deal with is YOURSELF. What she does and doesn't do is not a reflection on YOU.

SHE needs to be a strong woman, for herself. Any woman that changes to be MORE submissive in a relationship is just LOOKING to become a victim of domestic violence.

Look--if you can't compromise with her (and by that, I mean having a discussion about what you BOTH need in a relationship and working together toward that), then you may as well walk away. You aren't going to start feeling any less threat to your manhood, and she's not going to give up the strength that makes her a woman.

I am, by the way, offended that you think that women should NEED men. Or really, that people in a relationship should NEED each other. That's kind of scary. People should be able to depend on each other, and be willing to help each other, but neither one should NEED the other person for the relationship to survive.

Daaan, you really punched some hot buttons amongst the experts. It sounds like you and she have different definitions for the relationship. If you'd like to open a door when you get there first and she waits to open it herself regardless of who gets there first then she has an issue. If you rush to get there first every time then it's your issue.

The tone of your posts suggest that this is new in your relationship, how long has this been building? Did it come to mind about the same time as marriage? Is it part of your definition of "wife" as opposed to "girlfriend?"

Get your definitions clear, compare them to hers, and you'll have a basis to decide on your future from.

Well, sounds like a perfect relationship, you are the man and she knows it, but she also wants to be (your) women, it sounds like she is absolutely independent and that's great, I wish I was as lucky as (you) and had a women like (your) women

Well cats, At first this 'was' perfect. Simply because I've dated women who 'expect' me to pay for the both of us (dinner, movie tickets, provide the ride, etc... ). As a matter of act, most women I've dated in the past expected this. And, like any guy, I didn't really like dishing out cash for someone who I may not even like after 2 or three dates. Then I started dating Shelli. She was great because it was almost like taking a guy out. Except she had sex appeal. We went to the movies and red robin on our first date and she paid her own way. Eventually we started going steady and it was nice to know that she didn't 'expect' me to give and give and give. But once I knew I loved her, I started 'wanting' to do things for her. I assume this is the Dominant, nurturing side of me. I wanted to provide for her. I guess her 'needing' me was the wrong way to put it. And I didn't mean to offend anyone by saying it. But I do want to be the leader and provider. I guess it's who I am. It's my preference, like someone already said.

Anyway, When I discovered that I was in love with this woman, that's when this feeling of wanting to provide came it. When you love someone, you want to do things for them and be praised for them. I want to get her flowers. Not only that I want her to act like the other girls I've been around. You know, when they gush about how their boyfriend gave them flowers at work "just because". Shelli doesn't like flowers really. She says they stink and they don't last long. What she does like is stuff like video games and electronics. I got her GTA4 in January (one of the few gifts she actually let me get her) and she says "Aww sweet! Let's try it out." Kind of like a guy friend would. I guess I want more feminine gratitude. She treats us more like 'chums'. Honestly if you met her, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between her and a best guy friend. I guess that's why I really liked her in the beginning. She was like a guy... with a vagina lol. But it developed into something more for me and I loved her. She says she loves me too but what I'm afraid of is that she only sees me as a guyfriend with a . Any guy could be that. I want to be someone that she could never leave because of who I am and what I do. You know girls always talk about "Oh I love the way he never forgets my birthday." or "Oh I love how he always opens the door for me before getting in the car. He's such a gentleman. You don't see that much anymore." Or "One time her visited me at work with a bouquet of flowers just to say he loved me. he's so sweet." What can my girlfriend say about me? That I'm... nice? That I'm... cute? What have a done for her that no other guy would do for her? I feel like if someone cuter and nicer came along, I'd be threatened. Other guys keep their girls because of the special things they do for them that other guys don't do. I guess I am a little insecure about myself as her boyfriend. I don't know...

That's the part about comparing her definitions to yours. You really really need to find out if you're a potential husband or "Player 2 with a vibrator."

So you have changed, well my friend if you both aren't willing to work together, through honest communications to resolve your issues, so you both benefit, then the love doesn't matter, nor will it help you at all. You will have no relationship.

Not saying your right or wrong, but its possible your in love, but not compatible.

My husband got me a gig of memory one year for Valentine's. I bragged about it to everyone the way the other girls brag about flowers.

See, I didn't NEED flowers, and it would have been a wasted expense. You might check to see if your girl feels that way too. Maybe she DOES get more excited about video games--I know I do! But that doesn't mean she's a "guy" for having that attitude.

The ONLY way you are going to be able to fix this is to talk to her. Maybe YOU aren't understanding HER point of view, and maybe SHE isn't getting YOUR point of view.

Personally, I like it when anyone gets the door for me. Especially if my hands are full. But if you're sprinting and pulling a standoff on the door thing--that's just silly.

TALK about it. Try to understand where SHE is coming from, not just try to make her understand where YOU are coming from. Maybe she feels the need to prove that she can do it herself--I know I sometimes do that!

Either way, you both have to work together to make things work, and if you can't even discuss HOW to make things work, you're doomed from the get-go.

OK this might sound silly, but you could get her a couple games, mount them on a stick in a vase and wrap bows around it. That way it's something she likes, so it's the kind of container flowers would be delivered in, but it's right up her alley. Have it delivered, even if it's by a friend.