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    Browntollio's Avatar
    Browntollio Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jan 7, 2009, 03:35 PM
    GF is a Bi-Polar person with a BAD PAST
    Hello,
    My GF and I decided after 6 months of living with each other, that we should take a break. She is a great girl BUT has had a multitude of issues, 13 years of up and down bad past (rape, abortion, drug issues, drinking issues, mental abuse from family) and I met her when she was very stable, good job, nice place, etc. We hit it off big time, she is older than me, and I was proud to be her man. She's gorgeous and smart and hard working, but since we decided to move in, it has been one bad moment after another. First a bad car accident in the moving process, a job that she got fired for before she got started, costing us $$ on a sec dep for a place, then a solid job that has broken for two months now due to the economy. She brings no money to the table, and she is drinking a lot when I'm not around. She is a bi-polar person, classified as one, and the moments between us sadly have become tied to her feelings. My feelings are now co-dependent on hers. I am very stable strong person, going through my own hardships and 5 years of counseling which I am proud to say. She needs it, BADLY, the mood swings are out of control, and now depression has set in. We have had SOME NASTY NASTY fights, that we throw every name, word, etc at each other out of anger. I sadly say I have lost my control to be patient or strong when she is weak. So we decided that she needs to go, she has nothing in New York (she moved here from Florida), and the market, city, life, has totally beaten her up, and frankily she isn't strong enough to stop it from happening. So she's going back to her home in OH (which scares me because its where all her issues from being a teen began) but is in the process of getting help. She is on medication, and it is very obvious when she is on and off. I love this girl, I used to "be in love" with her, but now it's different, I have become a caretaker, and one that gets abused by this. Most say leave, and I want to, as much as it hurts to have her go, I know it's right. But I want to be supportive of her and her time getting help. I am stuck between NC and being there, I don't know. I know when she leaves our relationship will turn into friend level, but friend level can be scary because it could teeder on the relationship line. Should we take a break from taking, NC for a while after I know she gets back home OK? I love her, and it seems like WE have had nothing but bad break after bad break in being together. But a lot of more recent issues stem from her, and most of the time, I hold back making her feel guilty in that. But she does, very guilty for ruining us, herself, all of it. I told her the $$ responsibility means nothing to me, if WE are better, if she is getting better. She has lost her loves in life, and it sucks that I am a part of it because, I am realest and closest thing she has ever had in this life to real love. But it requires time, patience, trust, and communication, all these things that since she became so weak and stuck on her own problems have taken a back seat to us. I don't really have many questions, I guess I'm looking for advice on what to do. Ever since the fight 3 nights ago, we have had some great moments, some real moments, and moments that make you go "WHAT THE F--- HAPPENED TO US?", but it's too late now. The fact is that we still love each other, I've been reading a book in regards to loving a Bi-Polar person, and it's hard, it's real hard. If she wants to be us again, herself again (now the most humbled part of her life), she needs to clean it up, but there is a fear that those who haven't when things were bad, what makes you think they will make it this time? If she wants to be us again, she needs to be clean, needs to work on closure from her past that now daily influences her present, and needs to be consistent. How do I be consistent? Do I be there daily? Once or twice a week? I know I want time for myself, to focus on myself, but that doesn't mean being with someone else. I want her to know that NC doesn't mean I don't love her, or that I'm looking for someone new, it seems like it would help, especially knowing that we love each other from a distance. Thanks for the responses!
    plonak's Avatar
    plonak Posts: 742, Reputation: 117
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    #2

    Jan 7, 2009, 03:50 PM

    Ok man that relationship was a total mess, and I mean messss

    Why would you want to stick around for that? It seems to me that she's dragging you down with all her "issues" and believe me, she has plenty.

    Take it from me, I dated an addict (sober alcoholic and gambling addict) and it was not fun, let me tell you. Addicts are all the same, if they are not active in either AA or with a higher power they will be their own worst enemies and drag down everyone around them as well

    You seem to be an intelligent person, I think you should leave this girl and chalk it up to experience. I know it's easier said than done, but I left my boyfriend.. Im living proof that there is happiness outside our high maintenance significant others.
    Browntollio's Avatar
    Browntollio Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Jan 7, 2009, 04:01 PM

    Thank you. . I guess I forgot to mention that again, while I met her, in her stability, and mine, there was a great influence by our religion. We were both heavily into it, and it seems the farther and farther away we got, the worse the relationship got. Just yesterday I found a church that is similar to the ones we used to go, and they are starting this class on relationships soon. I told her about it, and she wants me to go, and call her to tell her how it went, how we can apply that to ours. She has it in her heart, it seems like it's so below all the bad past and recent hurt that it rarely comes out, thanks for the response
    NItEMArE129's Avatar
    NItEMArE129 Posts: 222, Reputation: 29
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    #4

    Jan 7, 2009, 08:25 PM

    I don't think you can start to fix the relationship until you start to work with her addiction issues. I know you guys are distant right now, but maybe you could bring it up with her?

    I know exactly how you feel about being the caretaker. My girlfriend has bi-polar disorder and clinical depression, and whenever she's on a low I always feel like it's my responsibility to make her feel better. But it's NOT. If you can't make her feel better right away, don't beat yourself up over it. Ask her if there's ANYTHING at all you can do to help her when she's like that (preferably when she's in a more normal state). Keep us posted! I'm curious to know how this turns out =]

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