Hello Everybody,

I joined here because this seems to be a pretty big help website, and I would like to have some guidance right now.

Ive been dating the same girl (now my ex) for about 5 years. We started dating in our first year of high school. All throughout high school we were together. We spent every minute together. We alienated most of our friends for each other. After we graduated, we moved out into an income based apartment. That was last year. Well on Friday she came to me with some news I never expected to hear; she wanted out.

Let me give some background. As with all couples who have been together for a while, we had our disagreements and arguments of course. We have both been faithful to each other. And we both made some considerable sacrifices for one another. I always did things that annoyed her, she always did things that annoyed me; its just how it was. Now looking back, I will confess that I wasn't as good a boyfriend that I couldve been. I never really gave her the affection she deserved. I was mean a lot of the time. Just wasn't really what she deserved, I realize it now. She was always the loving one. Of course she did things that bothered me, but not on the level that I treated her.

Last year, after we graduated, she started college. She finished her first year while we were still together, and still living together. Everything has been fine this summer, but she always nagged me to do stuff. I work 40-48 hours a week, so I don't always feel like doing stuff during the week. She was always getting me to do stuff with her, go out, just do stuff and have fun, not just sit around and relax like I did. Keep in mind that I am off on weekends, and she normally would work on weekends, so our schedules never really matched 100% and never really had enough time to do something substantial.

This is where ill put everything together, this is her reasoning for wanting to be single. First is she says she feels like she's missing out on things, and one is her college experience (remember when I said I never really wanted to do things because I work?) Another thing is that she says she wants her space, and just doesn't know if she wants to be in a relationship right now. I don't understand how you can go from being in a relationship with someone for 5 years to wanting to be single all of a sudden. She said she has been tossing this idea around in her head for about a month, but she never came to me. She never came to me and expressed herself to me. She never came to me about anything, until she told me she wanted to be single. She's not giving me the chance to make up either. She says that she doesn't want to meet anybody else, and she says she hasn't met anybody else. She also says her friends haven't put her up to this either. Ive told her I'm willing to compromise, and I've told her I can change. I told her she can have her college experience with me. Her sister says that she is confused about everything right now. And it really shows, because its like she can't give me a straight answer, its just the same old vague "i just want my space right now".

Here's my real delimma: Why wouldn't she come to me and talk to me? What is a reason for a female wanting her space so quick? Everybody says that if I give her her space, she may realize where her heart is. Everybody has been telling me to cut off ties with her, and I am trying. Anybody who has broken up from a long relationship knows the first few days and weeks are hard. Is completely shutting her out a good idea? I am mainly scared because I don't know what she is capable of, I don't know what she is going to do. I just have this nagging feeling she wants to go smash other guys.

I know for a fact that she has already been asked for her number, I don't know if she gave it to the dude or not. And I know that she is planning a double date with her sister and one of her sisters friends to six flags. Its like she is already getting out there with other guys without it bothering her. Also she isn't showing any emotion barely either.

I know what I have to do, I'm just really confused as to why she wants her space all of a sudden after 5 years.. Thanks for the help everybody.

Wow she sounds like me. Me and my man live together 3yrs now and we alienated our friends. He is just like you in the not going out part because he works fulltime and also our schedules never really match up. At least you make the effort to do fun things with her which means you care about her and want to do things that will make her happy. My boyfriend isn't affectionate with me either unless he wants sex. Now I too have been bouncing the idea in my mind about wanting out and I also feel like I'm missing out in the world because I am in a relationship. I'm not in a healthy relationship because we control each other and hopefully that's not the case with you guys. I also feel like I want space. Did she go from her parents house strAight to living with you? If so then she might want space because she never had the opurtunity to live on her own (just like me) I enjoy having my own things and decorating how I want but when you live with someone it kind of turns into "us". About the other guys, it seems like maybe she met this person while you were together and maybe that could have influenced her decision in leaving especially if you say she isn't showing any emotions.

I think part of it is that since we have been together since we are so young, she wants to see if there are any other things out there. SHe wants to experience new things. I don't think she has been talking to any other guys or has met any others, but I'm not 100%. Her sister says that she is just tired of waiting. Tired of waiting for me to change, everything. I understand my faults now

Its amazing how getting dumped makes us see the error of our ways and motivates us wanting to change, but in reality, only a fool falls for that "I will change " routine. You didn't while you had the chance and won't now. Why? Because all you want is another chance, and fail to see that she has grown, and changed herself while you were working and relaxing.

If you are serious, then you leave her alone, and let her do her thing, and you do what you have to, to get a thing to do, without her, and see where you both end up later.

Any attempt to convince her you have changed, or deserve another chance, will only compromise your dignity, and self respect, and push her even further away than she is now. Bow out gracefully with mutual respect, and get a life that you enjoy without her.

Well - first of all - it's not all of a sudden. It never is. She hasn't come to you before because she wasn't ready. Now she made her decision and she came to you with it. If you started dating in high school - than it's understandable that she wants to experiment and find out what life is like as a single adult.

I wouldn't blame yourself too much neither. If you're working full time - it's understandable that you're tired and don't want to go out during the week. Not all the time any way. Of course the key would be compromise.

There's really nothing else for you to do but let her go. Keep your dignity - so don't beg (not saying that you would) - it won't help. But don't show anger neither. Time apart might actually be a good thing for both of you... Weather you get back together or stay apart.. Good luck!

Yes, I understand my faults now. And if she was wanting to work on our relationship, she would have came to me. Our relationship took this turn, and here in the last month it was unhealthy. I had to go by our apartment today to get the last of my things, and tried talking to her. Before I get yelled at, I know it wasn't the smart thing to do, but I was there, and had to try one final time, sort of a final bit of closure for myself. She said that she wants to be single now. I guess she just really wants to experience things alone now, since we spent all of high school together. She said that she couldn't believe me when I say I will change, and that she can't give me another chance right now. She mentioned something, and I can't for the life of me remember what it was now, but she said something along the lines of maybe in the future but not now, and it gave me a glimmer of hope, but I'm not holding my breath. I understand what I need to do, the hard part right now is keeping to it. Now I am starting my no contact period.

Just don't blame yourself... it's not fair for her to blame you for the fact that she wants to be single. It is what it is - and it's no one's fault...

Hi OP this one line or few words in your post really stood out to me these being
" I always did things that annoyed her, she always did things that annoyed me;"

Why they stood out is because I believe there is where your g/f discontend began and yours too for that matter, you had annoyances and yet you didn't speak to her about them or her to you, and as time has gone on you've both built up a wall of resentment, and now its come to bigger issues or annoyances your g/f doesn't or didn't feel she could approach you with them.

It happens all the time some little trivial thing is over looked or not dealt with and from there things just build on it and build on it, and before you know it one person in the relationship says to themselves that's it enough is enough.

Then they say they want a break or some space. Its for this very reason that communication between two people is so vital in a relationship.

If after giving your g/f space or the break she's asked for ends with you getting back with each other, then whatever you do make sure you tell each other when you feel you have a problem, don't try to iron over it, thinking if you ignore it it will go away, because it won't, it will multiply and grow out of all proportion, and eventually it will destroy what you have or had.

Also you're on a break I assume right now, basically what this means in real terms is the relationship is as good as over. So your g/f is free to do as she wants so are you.

You cannot hope to tell her what to do or who to see, not only at this time but ever.

Give her space she might want to re start the relationship, but she might not. If you hassle her or put her under pressure then you may as well pack your bags now because you'll get your marching orders for certain if you do this...

Before, if there was a problem (which there was, and those problems led her to wanting out) she never came to me. She just thought about it and one day dumped it on me. She gave up basically. She got tired of waiting. Yes. At this point in time the relationship is as good as over. I tried on several occasions to get her to listen to me, to get her to reconcile, and to get her to give me a last chance because things will be different. Instead she gets annoyed (expected), and she just continues to say she wants to be single and wants her space. Im hoping that if I give her space, she will have a change of heart, but its not looking that positive right now. That is false hope though, something I need not have. Is it worth giving her her space now, and after a month or two contacting her to see if I can slowly wean myself back into her trust, and have a possibility of making the relationship work again? Or should I just wait for her to contact me and if she does, take it from there?

Tala,

I usually agree with most of what you write. However, in my opinion, human beings usually change drastically, and internally when there is a significant loss as a result of their actions. We become introspective, and try to figure out our roles, at least many of us do. So I think that change for the better as a result of being dumped is very much a possibility, however, it may be too late for that relationship.

I haven't had contact with her for almost 5 days now. It has been killing me. I desperately want to ask her to meet with me, like on a date type thing, so I can slowly start building her trust back up. The last time I tried to reason with her, she just got annoyed because she didn't want to hear it, which was the obvious because she's the one who broke it off. She hasn't made any attempts to contact me, and I just feel like I should try one last time to get her to take me back. I know it sounds foolish, and I know ill probably sound like a fool to her, but I'm just a man in love with her. Everybody keeps telling me to enjoy being single, but honestly, I want her around. Any advice concerning this?

Absolutely not! This is not an issue that can be resolved rationally (convincing) short term. Let's look at the reverse, let's say you lost your attraction for someone, other than that, she is perfect, good manners, treats you right, takes good care of you, little argument, will you be convinced to go back if you felt no attraction for that person? I bet you would not.
This is more of an emotional issue, and rational thoughts, or even facts play a minimal role at this time. Especially since she is been thinking about this issue for a while, it is not sudden thing(it normally is not anyway). You have to let her figure this out, let the emotions subside, and then let her assess this rationally. By talking to her, you are definitely turning her off more. Don't do it, believe me, it will only make it worse.

I understand what you are saying. I decided not to contact her at all. I have been giving her the space she needs for now. As of right now, I am writing a letter expressing everything I feel. It contains everything I have been thinking. I have been thinking that if I send it to her, it will make her realize things. But like you said, it is up to her to figure it out I guess.

Hi OP, you cannot make anyone realise something, if they don't see it they just don't see it.

However you can do something to improve yourself, to change yourself so that if not with this girl then in the future any relationships you embark on will be more mutually satisfying, more easy going, more flow in them and less conflict, which has got to be good.

You are doing right with NC but you're writing a letter, that's not NC, you're attempting to contact, so I recommend you write the letter and then you put it away some place or burn it. Instead of telling your ex what you intend to do in the letter, just do it, make those changes now, make them for you that way they'll be made with a positive intention.

Most women and men hear it daily the partner will change it will be better, things will be different. All said by others who only want to get back in favour with their estranged or ex partners.

Ill tell you what happens next, if the other person falls for the spiel then they get back together, yes great you may think, however, there's always a but... and the but here is, but give it say 3 months and the one who claimed they would change would make it different would do things differently, goes right back to being who and what they were before the break in the relationship, they've got what they wanted to get back in favour, and yes they did as they said, until it felt safe again, and as is always the case with these empty promises they go right back to being who they've always been the promises forgotten. Because they didn't mean any of it, it was all just to get back in favour.

Then 6 months or maybe a year down the line they break up again, and this can repeat itself for yonks, but in truth that relationship isn't going anywhere, why because its still broken and will always be broken whilst the people in it fail to fix what went wrong to start with. You're just fooling each other, and trying to iron over the cracks. Fix it first. Or it'll always fail...

As false as it sounds, I really mean it when I say that I will change. There has been things we have compromised over before, and I am willing to change now. I am willing to make this relationship work at any cost, but she is not. Unfortunately I can't make her believe me. Even now, after 4 days of no contact, I think that even if I sent her an email or a letter, it would most likely just push her farther away.

You have to let her go, she left and probably will not be coming back. That is why it is imperative that you work on yourself and get to know the real you again. Writing a letter is a good idea but DO NOT send it!! It will allow you to get your emotions on the table and see where you went wrong so that you may correct it in the future.

Once a girl says she needs space, 98% of the time that means its over. It didn't happen all of a sudden. She was feeling this way long before she told you. She doesn't feel any emotion because she already made up her mind a long time ago. That is why you really have no choice but to move on and try and better yourself. False hope is not healthy.

Its up to her to come back to you but don't wait around, you will only drive yourself bonkers wondering what she is thinking. You may not see it now but everything happeens for a reason so look at this as a blessing in disguise. 5 years is a long time but would you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone like this? You dated in high school so she may want to go see if the grass is greener and it may be; for both of you.

Good luck and take care of yourself man!

I know she wants to see if things are better being single, but is there an amount of time it will take for her to realize things and talk to me? I know she has to let some of her emotions settle, but she hasn't really given me any real strong answers yet, they have just been kind of vague like "i need my space". Is it possible that she doesn't think she should tell me because she is no longer my business?

Hi Again OP,
As strange as it may seem your ex may not even know for sure herself why she's ended it with you, it could be that she just knows or feels that she no longer wants to be in a relationship with you, something wasn't right and perhaps she herself can't figure out what it is.

Maybe she will in time figure it out, assuming she's not sure herself, and maybe when or if she does she`ll tell you.

Don't bank on it though, and you have to just accept that the relationship is over, and for all intents and purposes its over for good.

You have only been in NC for a few days you need to give it more time, concentrate on you, go out keep busy stop deliberating on why, just be happy you had the time together, and let it be.

In truth you're time together has run its course.

I do believe she is a little unsure of this, even though I've heard that she had been thinking about this for a month, which shows her lack of emotion. I have been trying to come to terms that our relationship is over, but I keep giving myself false hope, and I know that is no good. I know that I need to give her the space she wants, and that could mean months without talking to her. Its just hard seeing how I've talked to her everyday for 5 years, and how she's just not there. Its like my best friend is gone.

I have been trying to get out more. Ive reconnected with some old friends and have been hanging out with them a lot. Ive been partying some, I've been doing a lot of things to help get my mind off things. But I still find down time to where I can just think to myself. I know its not healthy, but that's the sad reality of my situation. Everyday I tell myself that I'm going to give her her space, and that she will want me back. But I relapse.

Hi again,
What you're experiencing is perfectly normal, you cannot spend 5 years of your life with a person and not miss them, and their role in your life.

A Relationship ending is in many ways similar to a loss by death, and in many ways it is just that,however instead of it being a physical literal death it's the death of the relationship, and you will go through a period similar to that of mourning.

You will have down days and you'll also have good days.

I won't tell you it'll be easy it won't, your whole world has changed, your outlook will be changing to, now you are having to learn how to function as a single person a Me and not a We, and that's not easy you'll miss the company the banter between a couple, you'll miss many aspects of the relationship, and it will at times feel as if you'll go mad on your own.

This is why its recommended you get out and mix with others as much as possible, do you have friends you could ask to help you by being like a support team, for when you are feeling really down, ask them if they would mind you phoning them at these times, Your family could also help you in this way.

Im sure if you asked your friends and family they would be happy to help you in this.

Could you take up a hobby or do some voluntary work.

Perhaps you could vamp up your home somehow, you could make changes to yourself physically, like change your hairstyle. Or your mode of dress.

If you're feeling really depressed, try to go out for a walk, day or night, this will help you, just go to a park and look around at nature, and see how beautiful she is.

Go out star gazing, could you go to visit a relative who lives in another area, maybe take a holiday, or take a holiday and take your Mum with you.

Spend time with friends and family, but try to keep the subject off the ex, listen to upbeat music. Learn to play a musical instrument.

Check the forum stickies for more ideas you could put to use.

Come here anytime you feel you need to vent or post updates for us, because we here care about you and how you're doing. We will be here for you at anytime.

So always know you're not alone. Were here and we care...