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    vicorsus's Avatar
    vicorsus Posts: 24, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Oct 20, 2009, 02:29 AM
    My girlfriend of 5 years left me for another guy because of LDR, what do i do now?
    My ex and I have been together for 5 years already. During that period, we had a lot of big fights.

    4 things that I considered really big:
    1. She saw my cellular phone and saw a message from one of my friends from school. It was harmless. But she overreacted.
    2.she caught me cheating online, talking to other girls. This was bad and terrible for my part. That was 2 years ago. We decided to work on it again.
    3.I caught her having a pot session in the flat of 2 random guys that she just met with her friend.
    4.we almost broke up because she wanted to go to an event of a guy that she met in the office. She keeps on insisting that he's just a friend, but she went ballistic when we couldn't go to his event.

    I left my country after graduation to work for 2 years in singapore. She's been working at this company for almost a year now and I've been really supportive of what she does. I would always fetch her and bring her home from work and on weekends we would always be together. There are a lot of things that I did that I am really ashamed of and I keep blaming myself for the whole mess.

    before I left, we talked about marriage already, saying that we weren't ready yet because we're not yet stable in life. But if we're talking about the person involved, we are the right one for each other, so all we needed was time. When I left, I gave her all the means to communicate with me knowing that I am a very big part of her life and that she is very dependent on me. She never used any of the things that I gave her and she insisted that we just keep the communication to emails.

    I never saw it coming, I'm stupid I know there were a lot of signs already, but because she would say I love you to me and continue to do what we did before. Until the day she broke up with me.

    for the longest time, I tried to get an answer from her as to why we broke up. She told me its because of the trust issues and the distance. At some point she even told me that if I went back then we could work things out. A few days later she told me it was bound to happen even if I stayed. Then each time I would try to ask why we broke up, she would get really pissed. She made my life a living hell for a month so I decided to come home to settle things once and for all.

    when I got back, it seemed like we were together again. We were like a couple again. She told me she still loves me and that the reason why we broke up was because she couldn't bare the distance. I could see that she went through depression and that it really affected her health. She even asked me if we should try the relationship once again. I knew it would be really hard on her, so I told her that maybe we should deal with her problems first and then try to the relationship once again. I would never want to see her suffer like that again so I had to muster up the courage to say no. which I did. It felt good and at the same time depressing, but I knew it was the right thing to do. When I brought her home, a friend told me all about what she was doing behind my back. She had another guy already a month before we broke up. Aside from that she went out with several other people. One of them the guy that she met from the office that we fought about. One of them was my friend and the others I didn't really know. All along she kept insisting that it wasn't about the other guy and she told the other guys to back off already.

    I was so heartbroken, and at the same time really mad. I didn't have the appropriate time to think of what to do. I quickly went to her and lashed out. I said a lot of horrible things that I now regret. After that, I apologized and we sat down to talk about what happened. It ended up well. I told her I was willing to help her still with all the issues that surround her. (she has a lot and I really don't want to see her in this position especially since I know she relies on me so much). But then a day after, she became cold again and this time she told me she doesn't love me anymore. She was really guilty of what she did and I could tell.

    now I'm back here in singapore and I am really devastated with the situation. I feel like its my fault that I pushed her to do this. Also I can't seem to understand why I still want her back after my studies here. Its like I want a plan, I want a plan that would make her want me back. Last week however, she started dating one of the guys again, exclusively. When I found out, I told her we couldn't talk anymore and that its going to be hard to be friends. I told her that I forgave her for whatever she did. The next day she sent me a message asking for help about some of her problems, not concerning the relationship. I didn't talk to her, for a while, and then I just gave in. I couldn't help it.

    now I am all eyes on NC, and I know that I made huge mistakes before. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do. I just want to be better. I don't know if I should want her back, is there a chance that this will happen? Please help me out.
    vicorsus's Avatar
    vicorsus Posts: 24, Reputation: 1
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    #2

    Oct 20, 2009, 02:56 AM

    By the way, there were a lot of things I could have denied, but I didn't I confessed everything so that we can work things out. And she accepted and I worked triple time to make it work. I know I'm a douche for doing such things and I hate myself for that. And for me, I know that I have changed so much after that. All the plans that I have in my life involve her. Now everything is just crumbling
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #3

    Oct 20, 2009, 02:57 AM
    Your plan should be to go NC and stay that way. That includes not listening to secondhand information from mutual friends and other gossip.
    You re broken up and you need to heal from this.
    Her issues are hers now,not your problem anymore.
    You recover by staying busy.seeing friends and filling your life with activities that make you feel good.
    vicorsus's Avatar
    vicorsus Posts: 24, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Oct 20, 2009, 03:15 AM

    That's what I'm trying to do, but my work consists of research and it's really hard to start understanding stuff when everything in my mind is like a huge ball of wire.

    I know this is a stupid question, but there's no hope for us in the future right?
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #5

    Oct 20, 2009, 03:57 AM

    You re better off thinking about your future now. Its hurtful but you should let this go. It gets better with time.
    vicorsus's Avatar
    vicorsus Posts: 24, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Oct 20, 2009, 04:08 AM

    Yeah I just want to get out of the phase of making it a competition. She was the one who screwed up in the end and now she's happy?

    Yeah life's not fair, and I want to make it fair, and I know I can't so its like a situation where id rather just curl up and just hope when I wake up it's gone.

    The picture I saw of her together with her new guy is now burned on my mind.
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
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    #7

    Oct 20, 2009, 07:03 AM
    She broke up with you not to be with another guy, nor because of the distance. She broke up with you because your relationship with her wasn't working out.

    After 5 years, you had so many chances to make this relationship work out. All the reasons you've listed is basically an accumulation of reasons. Her feelings for you have changed due to the accumulation of reasons.

    When you go into NC, realize that you are doing this to recover from the break up. We have no idea if she will ever come back to you. But if the problems that broke you up in the first place aren't fixed, the relationship will blow up again. But for you to fix the problems, BOTH of you need to be on board to fix it. However, it sounds like she's moved on with her life and gave up trying to repair the relationship, so learn to respect her wishes. You need to focus on recovering from the break up and not trying to win her back.
    vicorsus's Avatar
    vicorsus Posts: 24, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Oct 20, 2009, 07:28 AM

    So basically it was because of my faults that led her to break up with me?
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    vicorsus Posts: 24, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Oct 20, 2009, 07:36 AM

    Yes I guess I didn't want to accept it but looking back, it was because of these two things that led to our break up. I guess if anyone is to blame about the whole relationship falling apart, its me. I shouldn't be getting pissed at her because she only bailed because she got tired of trying to make things work. I think I lost the love of my life because I was immature and stupid back then. I realized too late.

    I really wish she believed me when I said I changed because I did... I can't do anything anymore. I thought I was getting better, but I guess this brings me to a different path of moving on. Because all along I thought that if she did that to me, then she doesn't deserve me. It's the other way around I guess. Because I was a douche, I didn't deserve her.

    Damn. I hate this.
    vicorsus's Avatar
    vicorsus Posts: 24, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Oct 20, 2009, 07:49 AM

    I want to call her now just to apologize and say that she doesn't have to be guilty about anything tat it was entirely my fault as to why we ended up this way. I hate what I did back then. I don't know how I can live with myself knowing that I had something lovely and then because of my mistakes it ended up this way.
    slapshot_oi's Avatar
    slapshot_oi Posts: 1,537, Reputation: 589
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    #11

    Oct 20, 2009, 08:30 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by vicorsus View Post
    4 things that I considered really big:
    1. She saw my cellular phone and saw a message from one of my friends from school. it was harmless. but she overreacted.
    2.she caught me cheating online, talking to other girls. this was bad and terrible for my part. that was 2 years ago. we decided to work on it again.
    3.i caught her having a pot session in the flat of 2 random guys that she just met with her friend.
    4.we almost broke up because she wanted to go to an event of a guy that she met in the office. she keeps on insisting that he's just a friend, but she went ballistic when we couldn't go to his event.

    now i am all eyes on NC, and i know that i made huge mistakes before. i dont know what to think, i dont know what to do. i just wanna be better. i dont know if i should want her back, is there a chance that this will happen? please help me out.
    This is all I read from your post

    Your first point is all anyone needs to read. She had already checked-out of the relationship at that point. She was trying to use anything she could find as ammunition to in an attempt to get you angry enough to break-up with her so she didn't have to be the one to pull the trigger. I've seen women overreact like who are just plain jealous, but those same women never broke up with their boyfriends, it was always the other way around. So, we can rule-out jealousy.

    And no, you shouldn't want her back because she didn't really want to be with you in the first place. You'd be wasting your time, stay NC.
    vicorsus's Avatar
    vicorsus Posts: 24, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Oct 20, 2009, 08:40 AM

    But when that happened it was years and years ago. And we had our best times after that. I'm sorry if I'm being stubborn I hope you don't get tired of my whining.

    I see the whole mess as something that I put upon myself. I know she's very jealous of my friends. She was never comfortable with me having girls for friends. These friends were my friends even before we met. But she was never comfortable with any of them even with some of her close friends. So I should've done better to please her.
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
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    #13

    Oct 20, 2009, 08:45 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by vicorsus View Post
    so basically it was because of my faults that led her to break up with me?
    In any relationship, both people involved might have deep feelings for one another, which you both clearly had, otherwise you wouldn't have lasted 5 years. However, feelings aren't always enough. Your personalities need to match as well, in addition to hard work. Both of you definitely put in hard work for 5 years. But at some point, she realized that neither hard work, nor feelings is enough. It's not your fault. It's not what you did. It's that your personalities just don't match up.

    The incidents that you listed are definitely factors, but they can be overcome with effort on both sides. Overcoming obstacles are ways to build a relationship. So don't see it as mistakes. No one is perfect, everybody makes mistakes. The point is, she gave up trying to repair the relationship, because it wasn't going to work out in the long run.

    Quote Originally Posted by vicorsus View Post
    i wanna call her now just to apologize and say that she doesn't have to be guilty about anything tat it was entirely my fault as to why we ended up this way. i hate what i did back then. i dont know how i can live with myself knowing that i had something lovely and then because of my mistakes it ended up this way.
    This is exactly why you need to stay in NC mode. Focus on yourself. Stop worrying about her. Let her deal with the break up her own way and you deal with it your way.

    Once you've recovered (when you've let go of the relationship and stopped over-analyzing the past) from the break up, you can consider talking to her again. But until then, it's clear that she wants to be left alone, so respect her wishes.
    vicorsus's Avatar
    vicorsus Posts: 24, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Oct 20, 2009, 08:55 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by I wish View Post
    Both of you definitely put in hard work for 5 years. But at some point, she realized that neither hard work, nor feelings is enough.
    But until then, it's clear that she wants to be left alone, so respect her wishes.
    Actually, I've been talking to her even before that she needs to work on the relationship also, because most of the time, she would just sit back and let me do all the work. I can say this for sure because most of our fights would be because she was very passive with the relationship. When we fought before, even if she was at fault, she wouldn't apologize because she'd say that I was still mad that's why she didn't want to apologize just yet things like this that kept on repeating time and time again. But I dealt with it and I never gave up on the fact that she may change.

    Also, if it wasn't for the fact that I told her we can't communicate she'd always be sending me messages asking how I am doing. Sometimes she'd let her friends do it. Before I found out that they were already together (her new guy and her) she would always send me messages, even after the day I found out. I just couldn't control my emotions anymore that's why I told her that it's impossible right now for us to be friends. And I deleted her from everything I know (yahoo messenger, mail, facebook)

    I miss her.
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
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    #15

    Oct 20, 2009, 08:59 AM
    Passive or not, it doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't matter what she did or did not do either. What matters is NOW.

    Right now, the focus should be on yourself. Focus on recovering and not over-analyzing the past. Dwelling on the past will only add to the confusion; thus, prolonging the pain and suffering.

    Try reading these stickies:
    https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ck-187766.html
    https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ed-123862.html

    Here's a list of things to do after your break up so that you can divert your focus: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...kup-78597.html
    vicorsus's Avatar
    vicorsus Posts: 24, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Oct 20, 2009, 09:12 AM

    I just want to fast forward the days when I get back home after this to see if we can work it out. I don't care if I have to step up to make it work.
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    vicorsus Posts: 24, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Oct 20, 2009, 11:40 AM

    I can't sleep now thinking of what I did... I know I should let go I should let go. But its just too much its like I was the one who pulled the trigger.

    I just want her to make me feel important again. I just want to be in that same place we were before.
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    vicorsus Posts: 24, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Oct 20, 2009, 09:55 PM

    I feel the urge to talk to her now, damn. I know ill hate myself after if I do, but this is just eating me up inside. I know I need to fight it. But its getting the best of me
    vicorsus's Avatar
    vicorsus Posts: 24, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    Oct 22, 2009, 07:46 AM

    I'm feeling the itch to call her, she was a last night calling me and shouting at me. And the next morning she kept on saying sorry.

    I was really pissed because she can't yank me around like that so I just gave her a piece of my mind and I got through. I just hate the way she makes it seem like her and the other guy were meant to happen. Of course it would happen, because you allowed it to happen. Its not like he found her and she found him. It was more of he found her and she told him she didn't have a boyfriend. What the hell is that what you mean by fate?by destiny?

    So now she's saying sorry and she's telling me that she hopes I reply and that I can forgive her and that we can be friends soon.
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
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    #20

    Oct 22, 2009, 08:02 AM
    It's your choice what you want to do.

    If you keep talking to her, you will get "false hope, more confusion and more pain + suffering".

    If you avoid talking to her, which includes avoid picking up her calls, you can focus on yourself and heal.

    Your choice.

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