?

The best way to deal with it is give her what she is asking for. Give her NC or No Contact until she calls you. I have been dealing with this for almost 2 months now with my ex of 2 years. Its rough but if you swallow it now you will look back and be glad you didn't drag it out any longer. It will be painful but cut off all contact and the ball is in her court not yours.

Move on and get a life. I hope you haven't been waiting around for 5 weeks.
BREAK = BREAK-UP. Ask yourself if there is any difference. The only difference is that you wasted 5 weeks wondering what might happen or what she might do.

Don't waste your time wondering. You should start by beginning the process of forgetting her RIGHT NOW. It will take a long time, and it is a difficult process. But in the end, you'll be a better person.

--Cali

Ok, so I had my full story on here, but I got paranoid and took it down at the last minute because I thought maybe my ex might stumble across this site and find out that I've posted the "break" up here. I need advice though, so I wanted to ask, has anyone's ex come across your post?

Move on... you'll be better for it. If she wants you back, and you're ready to take her back that's one thing--but you need to live your life, and can't keep moping around until she's ready.

Don't worry about her finding your post... if she's "on break" I doubt she's hunting down information about you. I'm sorry if that sounds mean... but it's probably true.

Break-up means break-up. What to do you do? Get over it and move on.
What to you think you're supposed to do?

You're probably right Farmgirl. OK, so here's my story. About 5 weeks ago, my girlfriend (well I guess my ex girlfriend now) decided she wanted to take a "break." I am 25 and she's 23, and we had been together about 4 years, and I loved her (and still do) very much, and we were great together. We hardly ever got into fights, and when we did, I always tried to diffuse the argument or end up blaming most of it on myself (which was not the right thing to do, which I see now, but these low points were rare, so anyway... ) We did everything together. We hung out every single day, and spent every night together unless she had to go out of town or something like that, and we had fun practically all the time. I finally moved into her apartment about 4 months ago. We had planned to live together at her place for a little while, and then move off to a big city together. We even started selling some of our things, and we also took a trip up there to check out the city and the neighborhoods around it. I wasn't really excited about the idea when she brought it up, but once I went (I had never been there before) I thought it would be a really fun thing to do for a year - you know, while we were still young and not tied down.

Right before she decided we needed a break, we went to her friend's wedding. As soon as we get back in town from this wedding I had to run out on an errand, and when I come home she is crying. I ask what is up, and she says we need a break, which completely shocked me because I NEVER saw this coming. She tells me that she loves me, and thinks she wants to spend her life with me but isn't sure right now, and needs some space. She then says that she is 23 and that she wants to be just "her" instead of "me and her" and its not that she doesn't love me or love our time together or living together, but that she is confused right now. Basically, she says all of the generic things that it seems like everyone else's ex says when they want a break, even though she says them all with conviction and tears. She then says that she's been thinking about this for a couple of weeks, and wouldn't do this to us if she didn't really think it would make us better off in the long run. So of course I lose it and start to cry, and I tell her that I love her so much and that I don't think we need a break. I say that I can't believe this is happening, but that I understand if it's something she needs to do for herself, and if this is what she needs to do then I guess I have to be OK with that. Then I ask her if there is someone else like 5 times, to which she responds no each time, telling me that she wouldn't do that to me, and if she was interested in someone else she wouldn't want to go on a "break" but would just want to end it completely. So then I say well, if we are on a break then I can't stay at the apartment, so I call up my best friend who lives about 30 minutes away, and luckily he is cool enough to let me move in with him. She then tells me that I don't need to move all of my things out because even though we are on a break it is only going to be for a little while (she is saying all these things through tears of course). She basically told me that I only need to bring enough things to stay for a short amount of time. So after a few hours of both of us just hurting and crying, we decide that I will spend one more night at the apartment and then the next night I will start living at my best friend's place. That night was so hard. We hardly slept and just held each other very tightly in bed all night long, with her crying off and on through the night. The next day I go to work and feel like crap, and when I come home, we do some more crying and hugging, and then she gives me some groceries and things she bought me to take with me. We then kiss passionately as if it will be the last time ever, and then I'm on my way. She is texting me the whole time, telling me to let her know when I got there, and other things like "she hates herself for doing this" and that she "thinks she is an idiot" and that I am so awesome for understanding and giving her space.

Since then my life has pretty much sucked, and its been 5 weeks and then some. I went from a 5 minute drive to work to having to drive 30 minutes there and back, and I can't focus on my job. I haven't been eating right or sleeping well, and I got sick about 4 weeks in. Weekends are practically impossible to deal with because I end up thinking about how I want to be with her and all the good times we had, and then wonder why she would just give those up. Its just terrible because we used to live together, and she told me that I don't have to move all my things, but in reality I know I need to get my stuff out of the apartment because I just don't know if her saying that I don't have to move my stuff is true. I'm trying to move it because I don't want to find out that she's moved on and I still have half my crap there. So I have to go over there during my lunch breaks and pick up small loads of stuff. I'm still having to do this 5 weeks out, but I don't have much left to get. Would have got it done sooner but I was sick.

I think it's also important to note that I noticed while I was at the apartment getting things that one of my ex's girlfriends who used to come hang with us and spend the night a few nights a week (she works with my ex but lives kind of far away), who I think is a bad influence on her, has sort of moved in and is basically crashing there every night. She moved in probably a week after I left. This girl is kind of a flirt and drinks heavily, and has probably hooked up with most of the guys at their job. I don't totally dislike this girl, but before this "break" thing I was feeling frustrated with her because she was at our apartment all the time and I felt like she was taking time away from me and my (ex) girl. But, I don't know, maybe my ex just needed someone to be there with her.

In these 5 weeks, different things have happened. For starters, this whole time she has texted me almost every day. She's even texted to see if I'm still exited about moving to a big city together. I think there has been only a few days where there was no text from her (yesterday being one of them). As far as face to face contact, I confronted her about the relationship a few days after the break and asked her what the deal was, and if she was seeing someone else (I know I shouldn't have). She gave me the same reasons as before. We have also had extended face to face contact five times since then. The first time was a little less than two weeks in. We had a great time - went out to eat, wandered around a shopping center together. I didn't bring up the relationship at all. She texted me afterward and told me she had a great time. It made me feel great to hang out with her, but it had some negative effects, because I wanted to do it again the next weekend. She made it seem like she really wanted to as well, but when the next weekend came her days got "filled up." I called her and was upset, and told her that if she really had wanted to hang out with me, she would have. The next time was about three weeks in. I had moved all of my clothes out of my closet and she sent me a text saying that my empty closet made her cry. I didn't respond. She called. I didn't answer. She sent me a text later that night saying she was upset all day and that I completely ignored her and she didn't get it. I didn't respond. She called my job the next day upset and I told her she wanted a break and that I was trying to respect her wishes. I asked her if she wanted me to come over to talk about it - she did. I went over there and basically told her that I wasn't going to be strung along, and that I am not going to wait around forever, and that if there is someone else to please just end it with me. She said she wasn't trying to do any of those things and there wasn't anyone else. The third time was about a week after that - she came to my place and we hung out and watched TV. She ended up spending the night and sleeping in my bed, but we didn't do anything if you know what I mean. Just another good time where I didn't bring up the relationship at all. The fourth time was last Monday. My car had broken down last weekend, and so I had to call her because she was the only person I knew in the area that could help me out. She was so sweet to me. She let me use her AAA, and while my car was getting fixed she let me hang out at her apartment. While we were laying on her bed watching TV, we hooked up. This has totally thrown me for a loop because I don't know what to do now. She has texted me since then, with the exception of yesterday. The last time was last Thurs. I went on my lunch break to go get some things from there, but she was there. I called and asked if it was OK if I came and got some things. She said it was fine. We talked about the relationship. I told her again that I don't want to be strung along and if there is someone else then end it. She asked if I wanted her to call me and text me. I told her its fine to conact me as long as its not a way for her to feel better about herself for going on on a "break," or if she's trying to slowly let me go. She said she wasn't, and was thinking she wants to get back with me, but needs more time.

I am so confused guys, I just don't know what to do now. I loved this girl with all my heart for 4 years, and I still do. I care about her so much and I just can't wrap my mind around why she would want to go on a "break." The sad thing is, when she told me all the reasons for wanting to go on this break, I believed her, and I wanted them to be true, but I keep having doubts. I also thought that it would maybe only last a month at most, but here I am at 5 weeks and then some, and now I'm even more confused than I was before. I really just want her back. Please help!

Oh and also, her birthday is coming up next week. She mentioned that she would like to hang out sometime next weekend. What do I do? What should I get her?

Freak;

I have to say I think that your situation is different than most that I read here. My initial thought is that she wants to get married and after 4 years with you it's not happening, but she's not bringing that up so I don't know. It is surprising she broke the news after the wedding.

Normally, once they are done, they are cold and she's not. My sense is that she is still interested, confused and cares and doesn't want to hurt you, hence the frequent contact.

I would keep the contact light and do what you are doing until you are 100% sure she is done. As for the birthday, get her a card and an inconsequential gift and drop it off.

Keep us posted.

Can you tell her you're not getting any younger and would like to date (others) again because, after all, it's been almost six weeks and there has to be either a clean break with her or a reunion with no conditions? Give her a deadline of two more weeks and then she has to decide?

In other words, put the ball into your court and establish some boundaries.

I hear a lot about this type of thing when people have been together as teens and become young adults. They get to be 22-25 years old and discover they have spent all of that time with one person and are not sure if they now want to be with that person. They may love the person, but the thought of settling down before they have time to be free is scary.
Instead of having a break, they should just beak up. It makes it easier on both parties.
I personally think this dating someone exclusively in your teen years is not a good idea. When you get in your 20's the way you see things change and often you find that this person you thought you could never do without, is not the person you now see spending your life with. She wants to do this and still have her life line to you.
Break it off with her completely. You two go your separate ways, if you are meant to be , you will hook up again down the road.

First that does suck, secondly you can't be so sensitive and I know this because of the book you just wrote above.Its obvious you care about her a great deal and it also seems to me that your life is built around her and that is a problem in itself, Its great to be all about you and her, but you have to be happy with just yourself. So for now let her be, give her some time, as for you go out with your friends, get a hobby, find yourself again, remember this is a great time to look at yourself in the mirror and work on you.

Thanks, I've really been trying to do this! I've been playing music with my room mate (my best friend who was cool enough to let me move in when the crap happened) and a drummer that we know. I've also been trying to go for runs when I can to keep my mind off things. I've even started to clean up my new room - it's basically just been a pile of junk that I've thrown in here since I moved in because, well for a while I thought I would be going back soon, but I see that now that's probably not going to happen. It's still really hard though because, even though I try not to, I find myself thinking about her all the time. Also, two nights ago she "drunk dialed" me, even though it wasn't really a drunk dial because she told me in a text earlier that she was going to drunk dial me (a premeditated drunk dial is not a drunk dial), plus she didn't even sound drunk at all on the phone. She told me that she missed me and loved me, and that she wanted to hang out soon. I told her that Monday (today) I had a few things to do but I wasn't doing a whole lot, so maybe we could hang out then. She said that sounded cool, but my guess is she won't even call or text today, and she'll just play it off like she was "drunk" and didn't remember what she said. It's just so weird, you know? Why does she tell me she misses me and loves me (and I definitely believe her when she says it and I have those same feelings ALL the time), but she is the one who created the situation? I don't get it.

She created it and does not know how to let go. She knows she needs and wants to be away. She is probably hurting too. I suggest you break it off and tell her to go on with her life and not to call or text you for at least 6 months and you do the same.

I'm not sure that my not asking her to marry me is it. I mean, we had talked about getting married before, and we both agreed that it is hopefully in our future but right now we are too young. I don't really even want to get married until around 30, or late twenties at the earliest, but I don't know. She knows that though, and I thought she at least agreed with me. If anything I thought the wedding may have freaked her out and made her realize that she is too young to be tied down right now. She had even said before that she doesn't understand why people get married so young. Homegirl has brought this point up later in this post. Plus, if that was really the case, I think she would have brought it up. But, I my thoughts on this aren't exactly solid either. We had planned (and I think she is still planning) to move to a big city together. My thoughts lately had been, well if we do that, then I might see how things go there and then maybe ask her. But, of course it's all up in the air now...

Well I was wrong about Monday. She called me up and wanted to hang out and do something "alone with me" a.k.a. get out of her house and away from her ever-present room mate. So I drove out to where she lives, and we went out for ice cream, and then went back to her place to hang out. We had a pretty good time. We talked lightly about the relationship. I told her that my feelings about the relationship swing all the time, and that I'll be angry one day, upset the next, and then not too bad on some days, etc. but that I love her and want to be with her. We talked about her job (she's a bartender/GM of a bar/restaurant. Not sure if I mentioned that before), and how she is supposed to be done there in December, and how from there she wants to move to a city with me. So, we are just sitting around chatting and stuff, and her "room mate," the bad influence girl (go read my story) ran out to do some errands, and we hooked up again (my suggestion though, but she was all for it). Don't know if it was the right thing to do or not, but we did. I don't know guys, it's just so weird. What bothers me though is that she seems happy by herself and hanging out with her new friends (the bar she worked at recently merged with a restaurant and so now she has a bunch of new coworkers that she hangs out with), but then she keeps talking about moving off with me, and that this break is a good time for us to find ourselves again. To be perfectly honest though, I just don't give a crap about going on a break to find myself. I just want her. This is so lame. How do I get this girl to realize that she needs to be back with me, and that, to be honest, it will be really hard for her to find someone that treated her as well as I did? I mean, I know I can't make her think a certain way - that's pretty evident from reading similar posts to mine on this site. No one can make someone think or feel a certain way about them, but what I'm interested in doing, if I haven't blown it already, is trying to recreate that attraction between us that was once there. I mean, there was a time when, not all that long ago really, she wanted to spend all her time with me and told me that she loved me so much all the time and just never wanted to leave my side. But now it almost seems like she's trying to "friend zone" me, but at the same time I'm just not sure if that's even it. This just sucks really bad right now because she seems to be happy with what she's doing, but I can't tell if it's a fake happiness that she puts on while she's around me, or what. I sent her a text this morning when I woke up telling her that I really miss her, and that I'm not trying to sound clingy or anything but I miss waking up next to her and seeing her face. All she sent back was "Aww, I miss you too!" which to me seemed like a lame response to my text. I mean, I'm not trying to read into her words here because it's a freakin text, but it just came across as "oh yeah, well I miss you too. Stop texting me." I don't know guys, what do I do to make this chick see that she is missing out on something awesome?

Ok so here's the deal. After talking to one of my good friends last night, I've pretty much reached the conclusion that I can't deal with this crap any longer. I feel like all she's doing is stringing me along while she sees what else is out there, which is really just completely unfair to me. I mean, as far as I know she's dating someone else already, although I have absolutely no evidence of that. But what I do know is that she wants to be just "her" instead of "me and her" which basically means she wants to be single and not tied down. Her birthday is Friday, so I think between now and her birthday I'm simply just not going to respond to any of her text messages (if there even are any, but she's been pretty consistent about sending one every day). Then on Friday, I'll call her up and wish her happy birthday. Also, between now and then, I had planned on getting her a card and a gift card or something like that and maybe dropping it off. Anyway, after her birthday weekend (which she mentioned that we should hang out at some point, but I don't know what will happen now), I'm thinking like Tuesday I'm going to ask her if it's OK if I stop by after work and ask to talk to her. Then I'm basically just going to have to tell her that I can't do this being on a "break" thing any longer, and that I love her very much, and never wanted this break, and would love to be with her, but its becoming pretty clear that this is all just false hope, and that I need to move on with my life. Then I will ask if she feels any differently about the "break," and if not I want to talk to her about the relationship and what she didn't like so that I can maybe learn a good lesson about what not to do next time. If she still wants this "break" then I guess I'm just going to have to tell her to not call me or text me (unless its like an emergency or something) until she figures out what she wants in her life, and in the meantime I'm just going to have to act like this is completely done, and arrange some time to go get the rest of my things from her apartment. Does ANYONE out there think this is a good idea? Or should I just start ignoring texts/calls/Gmail chat right now? I mean, ideally I would like this girl to realize that she's made a mistake and want to get back with me, but I know that's probably not going to happen, so what do I do? Please help.

I think she is enjoying being unattached and is learning things about herself, which is what she wanted to do and suggested you do the same. The difference is you are not likeing it. You could learn something's about yourself as well.
This break could be the beginning of the end and maybe she does not realize it yet. She likes being around you, but does not want to be with you. If you can't deal with it, tell her and break it off completely, but don't try andmake her feel the villain just because she does not want to be with you. She is not a bad person, and neither are you, you two are just not the right ones for each other. She is coming to realize that, you haven't yet.

Some people unwittingly cause harm to others. They string people along without even realising it or perhaps not caring. In your case give her what she wanted at the start. A break. That means no contact. Just disappear of the face of the earth.

If she gets in contact, say 'its best we don't speak for a while. I honestly wish you the best for the future and now I must go."

Negative feelings are not good. One day it might be nice to remember the good times and that things ended on a positive note. The future is allways 'open' as such then.

If she wants you back she knows where you are. So get going with NC and see where that leads you. In time you will heal and you will probably become indifferent to the past. She will be more like an old friend and you will be a new happy person, changed and learned from the experience.

Thank you Homegirl, your advice has always been really awesome! Please keep it coming, this is really helping me get through my days. I don't want her to feel like a villain because she doesn't want to be with me right now. I understand that the way people feel about each other can change over time. It's just hard for me to sit there and wonder if she will ever shift back to wanting me, because I definitely still want her. I really would like for that to happen, and given my circumstances, should I keep up light contact to maybe help the possibility that might happen, or should I start acting a little bit more cold and aloof and see if she will pursue me at all? I mean, I know the probability of this happening is slim, but I need to feel like I at least tried, you know? But, in trying, I don't want to be overbearing or push her away either, like I've seen many others on this sight do. So, light contact and birthday card? Or just stop responding to texts? I'm honestly willing to try what I have to, but I don't want to be obvious or pushy about it, know what I mean? Want to be subtle, but just don't know the route to take.