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    ben90's Avatar
    ben90 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Jan 5, 2011, 09:02 PM
    My girlfriend of 4.5 years left me
    Hi guys my girlfriend of 4 1/2 years left me 1 month ago and I still feel as bad if not worse as when it happened. We started going out at 18 and have lived together ever since. We have the most awsome relationship and have dog together, and love spending every moment together, although we do go out and do things with our friends alone.

    The one problem in the relationship which is my fault is that sometimes I get a violent and have a bad temper and can say and do things I don't mean. This would happen roughly every six months or so. I have never hit her but have grabbed her arm and certain things like this when I'm angry. When we broke up a month ago we had an argument at the bar that lasted less than a minute. She was talking to other guys the whole night and didn't speak to me once or even introduce me. I confonted her about it and she laughed it off and I got angry and grabbed her. MY Fault, I shouldn't have acted that way. She immediately walked off and went to her friends house and I kept calling and she wouldn't answer. The next day I reached her and she said she didn't want to be with me anymore.

    I was heartbroken, we have never broken up before. She came over to our apartment that day and she explained she has been thinking about doing this for six months. I'm really confused because to me I thought she was happy and everything was great, we told each other we loved each other everyday and always were having fun and chatting. We were like this till the last day. She says she loves me but because some of the things I have done over the years she can't think of me the same way anymore. A couple of days later she came over and picked up here stuff and took our dog and left and has moved in with her friend who just broke up with her boyfriend who happens to be one of my best mates.

    THis situation is crazy. I told her that I wanted to fix my problems and see a counselor about this. I went and got the paperwork filled out and told her I was starting. This didn't seem to change her mind the least.She said it's great but she can't love like that anymore because of what I have done. I thought there might be other factors as well but she refuses there is. She said I'm the perfect guy except for my temper. She says I'm the funnest person to be around and she still finds me attractive. I called her a couple of times in the first week to make up and went down to where she is staying late one night drunk. She says she still loves me but not like she used to.

    I made nc for 2 1/2 weeks but called after to see how her holiday was going that she is on. This was booked before the breakup and she is going with one of her friends. She seems to have moved on and dosen't even seem to care. I don't know why she could act so happy until the breakup and never tell me she was unhappy. I miss her so much and want to spend the rest of my life with her. What should I do? I will see her in 2 weeks when she comes to pick the rest of her stuff up from our place. I don't think there are any other guys involved? I fully trusted her. She says she wants to be friends at a later date but needs her space now. This came out of the blue and just don't know what to say or do. Please help?
    LightCross's Avatar
    LightCross Posts: 87, Reputation: 29
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    #2

    Jan 6, 2011, 12:59 AM
    Gals can be pretty tricky sometimes, hurt a man and the next day the same man most of the timewould forget what you have done ,for gal however things are not like that. Hurt them once and they will remember it for longggggggggggggggggggggggg time , at least that was what I experienced with my ex girlfriend, second things is gal won't accept forgiveness unless you REALLY show them that you have changed w/e in your character that hurted them. As for this situation , she probably still mad to you , the scar that you created on her heart hasn't healed yet so until she patched her scar naturally you can't see her or ask her to get back to you because it make the patching process delayed. Let her patch her scar that you created, and after that if she still love you she will certainly come back to you.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,234, Reputation: 10853
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    #3

    Jan 6, 2011, 07:20 AM

    Repeat after me.

    You scare her when you lose your temper!!

    So much so that she left. So why do you expect her to take your word that you will change? Unrealistic. You said you got the paperwork done to get help, but have you actually done it, and attended anger management classes? Leave her alone until you do.

    She has already given you chances for 4 and a half years, and I bet you made promises then, after losing it. Focus on you, and your problem guy, and stop minimizing the affects your temper can have on others because when "I'm sorry" is not enough, you better pay close attention to that problem of yours.

    Getting her back at this time is never going to work, as she has to recover from this abuse, and so do you and the last thing you want is to address your issues half a$$ed and not overcome them. Trust me guy that will take a while, and so will her healing.

    That's why I say to leave her alone, so you both can heal and be healthy again, if not together, then apart.
    acciosnivellus's Avatar
    acciosnivellus Posts: 52, Reputation: 51
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    #4

    Jan 6, 2011, 03:30 PM
    I know it's painful losing the one you love, but do not even think about asking for her back until you have ACTUALLY changed. Just don't put her through the torment. I went through this with my ex for 4 years. He would tell me he would really change this time, only to be back to his old ways soon enough. It was so painful. She's smart for have dignity and standing up for herself and realizing what she deserves. Please, leave the girl alone until you've gone through real, concrete changes.
    answerme_tender's Avatar
    answerme_tender Posts: 1,148, Reputation: 689
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    #5

    Jan 6, 2011, 03:48 PM

    Ben,

    No offense, but I have been around abuse, the saying" Im sorry" doesn't mean crap after its said more then once on the SAME ISSUE. More then once means there is no change and probably won't be.

    I know that you don't think yelling, screaming and grabbing an arm is real abuse, but between the physical and emotional I would say that emotional was the absolute WORSE. You never new what was going to set off the screaming and yelling and if that was going to move into physical. NEVER KNOWING IS HELL TO LIVE WITH!! Living with big bully who is bigger then you is not an intelligent choice!!

    The question is what are you going to do about this problem of YOURS!! Just sitting around feeling sorry for yourself is not going to help your anger problem. You need to move forward in life and the first step in getting some professional help.
    jmjoseph's Avatar
    jmjoseph Posts: 2,727, Reputation: 1244
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    #6

    Jan 6, 2011, 05:50 PM

    Please get help with your rage.

    And no, you don't get credit for "not hitting" her.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,910, Reputation: 5430
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    #7

    Jan 6, 2011, 06:00 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ben90 View Post
    The one problem in the relationship which is my fault is that sometimes I get a violent and have a bad temper and can say and do things I don't mean. This would happen roughly every six months or so.
    This [breakup] came out of the blue.
    No, it didn't.

    Like acciosnivellus said, "I went through this with my ex for 4 years. He would tell me he would really change this time, only to be back to his old ways soon enough. "
    Enigma1999's Avatar
    Enigma1999 Posts: 2,223, Reputation: 1077
    Welbeing Expert
     
    #8

    Jan 8, 2011, 11:35 PM

    This is the way I see it...

    After 4+ years, she got sick of YOUR temper. Grabbing her, saying mean things, so on and so forth...

    I really strongly believe that you should get the counseling that you need, with or with out her in your life.

    It's good that you recognize you have a temper. Now rectify it.

    She has moved on... Move on yourself. Take this as a learning lesson that WE as women don't like to be grabbed, pushed, pulled around.

    Keep your hands off women. Take it to the gym...
    Enigma1999's Avatar
    Enigma1999 Posts: 2,223, Reputation: 1077
    Welbeing Expert
     
    #9

    Jan 8, 2011, 11:40 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by LightCross View Post
    Gals can be pretty tricky sometimes, hurt a man and the next day the same man most of the timewould forget what u have done ,for gal however things are not like that. Hurt em once and they wil remember it for longggggggggggggggggggggggg time.
    LightCross,

    Did you even read the OP's situation?

    You make it sound like it's HER fault, HER deal..

    No no... HE has temper issues. SHE got sick of it and left. Plain and simple.

    I respect the fact that she left. It shows she has self worth and didn't put up with that. HE needs counseling for his problem, so that it doesn't become a bigger problem...
    jmjoseph's Avatar
    jmjoseph Posts: 2,727, Reputation: 1244
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    #10

    Jan 9, 2011, 10:06 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by LightCross View Post
    Gals can be pretty tricky sometimes, hurt a man and the next day the same man most of the timewould forget what u have done ,for gal however things are not like that. Hurt em once and they wil remember it for longggggggggggggggggggggggg time , at least that was what i experienced with my ex gf, second things is gal wont accept forgiveness unless you REALLY show em that you have changed w/e in ur character that hurted em. As for this situation , she probably still mad to you , the scar that you created on her heart hasnt healed yet so until she patched her scar naturally you can't see her or ask her to get back to you cus it make the patching proccess delayed. Let her patch her scar that u created, and after that if she still love you she will certainly come back to you.
    And very well they should remember it for a long time. Forever actually.


    Learn how to treat women with love and respect FIRST, before you attempt to have interaction with them.
    poolking2011's Avatar
    poolking2011 Posts: 14, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #11

    Jan 18, 2011, 03:51 PM
    HI

    Ive been in this situation with my now ex girlfriend,
    We were together 7 years we split up about 3 years ago and I thought it was the end of the world I would text her and call her all the time saying please get back with me and I love you! Until one day I woke up and thought this is doing me no good, I also had a anger problem and I thought to myself I need help I never once hit her either but the shouting and saying horrible things at the top of your voice still does as much damage! I went and got angermanagement and not to get her back but because I wanted to change,I learnt a lot of things from there and highly recommend it. Even on are break I saw her kissing another bloke and instead of losing it like I would have done before I used some of the calming tecniques I learnt from my conseller and I walk away with my head high!
    Anyway I stopped hastling her and didn't text her at all I started living my life again and doing things that made me happy! Some how my ex heard about my angermanagment and that I was out enjoying myself again! And then one day after being split up for 3months I got a text out of the blue from her saying I miss you! We then got back 2gever, there was a lot to us splitting up and it wasn't actually to do with my anger, but I won't get into them problems.
    Best thing you can do is get this conselling and start to find yourself again and give your ex abit of space its not easy and I found it really hard, my girlfriend left saying she loves me etc and as they say if they truly love you they will find there way back to you!
    But with this time also decided if they truly are the one for you I jumped back into getting back with my ex and even though I had sorted my problems out she hadn't at all in fact the 3months apart all she done to find herself was go out and get pissed and then carried that on once she had me back! And ended up treating me like dirt and walking all over me for the next 3 years and left me again last week for no reason other than she wants to find herself!! Haha so far I haven't messgaed her at all and I won't as this time I no she needs to sort her probs out! So what I'm saying is don't rush into anything and change yourself completely otherwise your back to square one again! Good luck though mate and remember I got my ex back and I thought she hated me she went 1 month without even replying to my texts then 2months without me txting her aswel so 3months with no contact then that one I miss you!
    Chin up and smile as often as you can!

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